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What I Would Have Written About Montreal Pre-Playoffs

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This is the article I WOULD have written about the Canadiens before playoffs had I thought they were worth the digital ink and a morning of my life:

The following are the reasons the Canadiens aren’t good enough to do jack-s**t in playoffs.  I mean, no way they could ever be dangerous with that team of theirs, right?

1) The Goalie Carosel

The Canadiens have been unable to pin down their starting goalie all year, rotating between Carey Price and Jaroslav Halak.  They’ve repeatedly tried to let either guy win the job, but they both refuse to play good enough to permanently take it.  Interesting to see which one gets traded in the off-season.

2) Their Forwards Are Too Small to Handle The Abuse of Physical Playoff Hockey

This team struggled enough in the regular season, so when the physical, grinding style of playoff hockey takes over, their crew of tiny, overpaid forwards are going to wilt like orchids under fast food lamps.  They simply won’t be able to create offense.

3) Their D-Corps

Hal Gill is immobile, MA Bergeron can’t play defense, Gorges is a no-name depth guy, and their skilled d-men (Markov/Spacek) can’t defend.  It’s too much of a rag-tag group to hang with the big boys, and hold up when the pressure is on.

4) Washington/Pittsburgh

Frankly, for a team that backed into playoffs and looked somewhat pathetic doing it, they have no hope of getting through the toast of the league, the respective Presidents Trophy and Stanley Cup owners.  They shouldn’t even be on the same ice with names like Ovechkin, Semin, Backstrom Green, Crosby and Malkin.  Who’s gonna stop them?  HAL GILL?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

AND HERE’S WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE COMMENTED

Commenter X:

LOL, IMHO, it’s Crosby FTW.  BRB.

Commenter Y:

Great points.  You’re so right.  Montreal is stupid and Gainey sucks and they won’t even win a game and I hope Montreal dies because they booed the US anthem before the War of 1812.

Big Fan of Slandered Team Z:

The plus/minus differential for the Canadiens in that last quadrant of the final sector was substantially better than the Capitals and the Penguins.  If the Canadiens just don’t give up any powerplay, even strength or short handed goals, we can take them.  I think Halak will get hot, Hal Gill and Gorges will shut down Ovechkin and Crosby, and Cammalleri will be a Conn Smythe favourite.  It won’t be easy, but we’ll win the first two rounds in seven games.

Everyone Else’s Thoughts Z:

OMG you think Gill can shut down Ovy, and Halak will suddenly get good, and little Cammelleri will score in playoffs?  Respectfully, you’re dumb.

Bourne:

@Everyone Else’s Thoughts Z: +1 ZOMG, totally.

******

Couple quick thoughts on game seven:

a) Sergei Gonchar was just so bad, I feel like using more adjectives: disinterested, pathetic, unfocused, lacsidasical, lolly-gagger. 

b) Fleury, I mean, ulgh, he left a Luongo-hair-gel taste in my mouth

c) Cammalleri was just so good, I feel like using more adjectives: assassin-like, dangerous, locked-in, fully-automatic, slick.

d) Halak doesn’t look like a one-hit wonder.  He looks like all the good goaltenders I’ve played with or against, or more accurately, like guys who have success in the NHL.  Tall, positional and square with sharp reflexes.  I think he’d be a great pick up for someone next year, and deserves some surious cash.

******

So Montreal wins, Philly takes it to game seven, and suddenly the NHL playoffs are sabatoged.  No offense to fans of Montreal, and I mean that sincerely – your team is doing amazing things, and deserves all the praise in the world (starting with world-beater Halak…. that toe save on Malkin yesterday was ridiculous) – but really, the “series I’m excited to watch” chart just dwindled down to one: the Western Conference Finals.

Whether it’s Montreal/Boston or Montreal/Philly (and i’m calling Boston to pull one out of their you-know-where), it’s the third round of playoffs.  So these already not-so-deep teams will be playing with injuries after grinding through a combined 27 playoff games.  Basically, we’ll be watching (or not watching) a 7 vs. 8 seed series, who are playing tired and without some of their best players.  What’s that equal, a 12 vs. 13 series on the thrill-ometer?

I bet the games will be super close (maybe some overtimes), and it’ll be a sluggish, defensive war of attrition, but because the games are close, we’ll have to claim the games were well-played.  I desperately want to be wrong about this. Playoffs have been stunning.  I really don’t want to feel like saying “fine, I’d rather watch The Biggest Loser too, Bri….”, but it’s a real possibility in the later games of the series.

And assuming the two teams in the West don’t strip each other down to near-lifelessness, we’re looking at a five or six game final at most, any way you slice the matchups.

Ahhhh well.  At least we have more rioting to look forward to from Quebec.

*****

Two pieces of big news, folks:

One, while Puck Daddy’s Greg Wyshynski is on paternity leave (which apparently exists, lucky for me), I’ll be taking over his spot.  First post will probably be tomorrow, and will increase in frequency over the next week or so.  Basically, my blog’s for this site will just be links to my blogs on that site.  For a lil bit here.

*Feel free to email or comment suggestions on topics from playoffs you’d like to see covered!

And two, SIDNEY CROSBY IS MOVING OUT OF LEMIEUX’S HOUSE.  It’s a big step for the filthy rich 23 year old, I know, so let’s all say a prayer for him!

 

Comments

19 Responses to “What I Would Have Written About Montreal Pre-Playoffs”
  1. nightfly says:

    they have no hope of getting through the toast of the league, the respective Presidents Trophy and Stanley Cup owners.

    They’re toast, all right.

  2. nightfly says:

    AND – congrats on babysitting for the Puck Daddy! (I just wanted to hit post on that joke before anyone else beat me to it.)

  3. Sioux in the Cities says:

    Not sure if I believe Crosby is totally moving out. I bet he’ll just be like E from Entourage and move from the main house into the guest house and claim he doesn’t live there anymore.

  4. Seawolf Fan says:

    I continue to be amazed at the Canadians success and root for our Alaskan NHL’er Scotty Gomez to prevail and bring the Cup back to Anchorage, again!!

  5. Char says:

    Congrats! Just don’t pose for a picture with a phallic symbol in your mouth, OK? ;-)

  6. kitten fister says:

    think this means cros will finally lose his V card?

  7. ms.conduct says:

    Ha! Habs bit was gold.

  8. dunc says:

    As crazy as the Habs have been you still would have been right about 1 thing… MAB can’t play defence.

    And congrats on the Puck Daddy gig

  9. wychwood says:

    while Puck Daddy’s Greg Wyshynski is on paternity leave (which apparently exists, lucky for me), I’ll be taking over his spot.

    Duuuuuuude. AWESOME.

  10. Sherry says:

    I didn’t start watching the game until after 8:30 PDT last night (had a scotch tasting to go to – followed that up with some serious vodka, straight, after watching the game) – but I sure wanted to text (tweet, whatever) my fave hockey guru (that’s you Justin) after I was done watching and ask him, “What the eff just happened?!?”.

    Is it some kind of hockey karma backlash becasue the Pens had such a fairy tale run last year? Or because the media overloads the public with all-Sid-all-the-time and everyone but Pens fans are sofaking tired of it?

    How could Gonchar possibly play so [insert your adjectives from above], if for no other reason (and there are plenty), than to get the contract terms that he wants from the Pens?!?

    How could he-always-comes-up-big-when-it-counts MAF so decidedly NOT come-up-big-when-it-counts?!?

    Is it just the inevitable attrition that comes from two consecutive trips to the Final?

    I still feel sick to my stomach (and it’s not from the vodka)…

    Funny thing is I remarked to my mom (who shares my Pens psychosis) after the game , that Sid would at least be free to move out of Mario’s place now (being the incredibly superstitious sort that he is). Then I read that he had bought a house! Methinks the Kid messed with the mojo just a tad early…

  11. caps says:

    That’s sweet news on the Puck Daddy deal. Congrats.

  12. karlooch says:

    JB i read your thoughts on Pitt in game 7. I agreed and proceeded to lay down a couple benji’s on Pitt ( shtoooopid move). That sucked. You are a better handicapper at NFL bro :)

  13. Steve C. says:

    …does this mean you might be making a guest appearance on the “Daily Line”?

  14. neil says:

    lemme add one more to the “congrats on puck daddy” team, that’s pretty awesome. Don’t be surprised or upset when you get 50 comments a day telling you about every spelling and grammar error you made and accusing you of being completely biased against every team in the NHL. Surriously.

    Ya know, I am starting to think that although Bourne’s thoughts are pretty reasonable and shared by many, the smart money might be on betting for the opposite of his predictions to happen (which can just as easily be said for about 80% of the hockey media this year). In that spirit…. the Habs beat Philly in 5 and then sweep the Sharks in the SCF.

  15. Richie says:

    Congrats on the yahoo gig. It’s music to my boss’s ears since puck daddy and your blog are my daily dose of hockey so you’ve just stream-lined my work-dodging….thanks…seriously though it’s a great opportunity to further your writing/journalism career.

    On an unrelated note – I really hope these playoffs are finally putting to bed the myth that Reboundo Luongo & MAF are world-class goalies. The are above average but ultimately not money goalies like say a Broduer (at his peak not now) or Roy. Just my $0.02.

  16. Meg Jarrell says:

    Puck Daddy news is AMAZING! You’re gonna be excellent, and I can’t wait to see what you bring. And I’m with you on the status of the play-offs. The horses to watch are in the West…it’s gonna be a barn burner. GO HAWKS!!!

  17. Kristy says:

    Here by way of Puck Daddy b/c I cannot get my yahoo login to work, which is fine because I am not sure I want to post with that group of yahoos over there anyways.

    I have liked your articles, and look forward to more of them. Particularly the article about why the epic Boston meltdown is always going to hurt, suck, and haunt all involved that has had people lambasting you. (Not a Boston fan, I am more of a West coaster myself).

    Don’t listen to that crew of commentors, that bunch whines about everything…And then insults you and corrects your spelling/typing/grammar/insignificant points. Brutal. Could be a new game, see how much you can annoy them.

  18. Alanna says:

    YIKES! Some of the commenters at Puck Daddy have their panties in a wad. I hope you’re getting well paid for that. I guess thems the breaks with such a large audience…you’re bound to find some of the a-holes. Maybe it’s time to stop reading the comments.
    Good luck with the rest of the week (?) over there!

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