Today I placed some premiere Superbowl bets. One of my wagers is on who the Superbowl MVP will thank first (I didn’t take God because I don’t think the Cardinals will win, therefore Warner won’t get the Mic). Other bets placed include what colour the gatorade dumped on the winning coach will be (orange) and an over/under on John Madden food references (I took the under on 1.5 and immediately regretted it). How great is that? I couldn’t damn well figure out who to put my money on, so I opted for the ridiculous bets. I plan on fully enjoying the game. Another offered category was an over/under on the amount of times they show Kurt Warners wife. Curious that they seem to do this so much. I mean, I get it if they’re hawking Mrs. Tiger Ohmygodshe’shot, but Mrs. Warner? I mean… Kurt has a trophy wife too, but apparently it wasn’t first place. Ohhh, that’s not fair, I kid. Plus, that joke is a blatant rip-off from Steven Wright (“the weather here has been crazy, it’s like the earth is bipolar”. He’s got some great one-liners). Anyways, the fun for me on Superbowl Sunday is going to be rooting for orange Gatorade and for Madden to keep his love of fried foods suppressed until commercial breaks.
How about David Justice this week. In regards to steroid accusations, he recently told a reporter: ”thats a bald-faced lie”. Bald-faced? Maybe he feels that lies from a shaven face are more vicious than ones from a bearded man? How did he feel about the ”Mission Accomplished” part of Bush’s tenure as President? Would it have hurt less had Grizzly Adams been standing under the sign? HommeeeRunnn.
Sure, people in sports say ridiculous things (and they all have to pay royalties to Sean Avery when they do). But what rattles me is how often people use sports metaphors that don’t seem to go as planned. One of my favourite songs by The Postal Service is “Nothing Better”. But it drives me hair-pulling insane that in trying to stop a girl from leaving him, he says “And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net / In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry” Tending … goalie… quarter… wait. What? What sport could he possibly have been thinking of? Sports have lingos. The soccer field? Call it a pitch. You call a segment of a baseball game an inning. And you describe a guy like Troy Aikman as queer as a football bat. There’s a few terms to know, thats all.
Even a great writer and sports fan like Mitch Albom stumbles occasionally. He recently wrote a wonderful article in Sports Illustrated on Detroit fans (and the city), describing them as scrappy, hard working fighters (I assume he’s referring to the remaining population, while the rest ambled to a town with people, jobs and sunshine). In describing the hockey passion of the city, he says something along the lines of ’what other entire city erupts when that blue light goes on?” Every single reader in Canada just went “the goal light is red, bud”. This is the stuff that I’m going to be yelling when I’m wearing that really nice jacket my kids got me, you know, that stark white one with the buckles, straps and funny sleeves? Alright, I’m done ranting.
Lastly, I’ll just say that Chris Berman is one of the best sports personalities left on television (with Skip Bayliss as the worst). He’s the most level-headed, entertaining mediator in football, earning him a spot on the 21st century’s all-broadcast team, with nominations to Ron McLean of CBC, Bob Cole and Harry Neale of Hockey Night in Canada (both have made every all-broadcast teams from the 1840′s to present) and Dick Vitale of AnythingHeSaysIsFunny. I spent a little time in the Idaho Steelheads booth with a banged up knee this year as the colour guy, and it’s a blast. I got good reviews, but I don’t think I was making any of the greats nervous. Plus, Vitale sets the bar so damn high. Get a load of this guy:
My vote for worst Dicky V was George Karl’s high-pitch rendition. But come on. This guys a legend! Random shout out: Neal DeGrasse Tyson for another awesome interview on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He’s the Dick Vitale of Astronomy.
And lastly, a friend just sent me this link. Now here’s the best speecher in America.