The Masters: Par Three Tournament
Posted by jtbourne on April 8, 2009 · 5 Comments
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First things first – boo to all you “golf fans” who let me say that Nick Price is the next Johnny Miller. I meant Nick Faldo. Regardless, we still do have Johnny, so we can revel in him at his commentating peak, right when Tiger and Phil are in primes of their own. This is good stuff folks.
So day one coverage: The Masters par three tournament, a warm-up the day before the big event, the day the kids play caddie, and the day that actual golf fans try to sever their optical nerve with with a sand wedge because it hurts less than watching.
It’s just so corny. One of the many reasons The Masters is so great are those corny montages that show pink flowers and play classical piano, but only because it’s a nice breather from the suffocating pressure of the golf.
Guys describe it as “respite before the storm” and enjoy that they get to ”see guys have fun” – commentators glorify it so much gay pride marchers would find them flamboyant. It’s a love-fest, a deep-breath before the exhale. It’s weak.
Guys have their kids caddy for them, and by caddy, I mean ramble along in cute little white caddy outfits while the nation collectively sighs “awww…”. It’s sickening.
–Hahaha so cute, look, its – No. stop it, I hate kids.–
Regardless, it’s at Augusta, and I’d rub my face on that grass if they’d let me within rubbing range. So here’s a couple observations from it:
*Nobody has ever won the par three tournament and then won The Masters, so guys consider it a jinx. Players report intentionally hitting balls into the water to avoid winning it. I wonder if any of those idiots ever succeeded in the big tournament. I can’t exactly see Tiger hoseling a shot into a pond for superstitious purposes. Maybe just be better at golf guys, I dunno.
*Fred Couples is playin’ well. Boom-Boom of the bad-back has made a resurgence this year, no doubt thanks to technologies introduced in the physiotherapy world, like muscle relaxers and pain killers. He’s 49 and been in contention on two Sundays this PGA season alone, and was one shot back of winning the nine hole tourny before I puked in my mouth from footage of cute kids turned it off cause I was tired.
*And last, I didn’t know the players picked their playing partners. This enables Jack Nicklaus, Arnie Palmer and Gary Player to play in the same group, combining for about 220 years, nine billion wins and six grand in total earnings, because they played in the 50′s through 80′s.
Okay, maybe a little more.
On the ninth hole, Gary Player hit one in the water, re-teed, and jammed it in the hole for a fancy-pants three. He then proceeded to pound (knuckles) Arnold Palmer. Really, 80-year-old-white-guys? Black folks, it’s officially over. Today, I proclaim the pound dead to non-golfers (us golfers still need it to avoid the awkward “great shot!” moments).
Okay! Tomorrow, one o’clock west coast time, four on the east, the real fun begins. Details to come.
(PS – If you have time and haven’t read my take on socially awkward greetings, you can check it out at: http://jtbourne.wordpress.com/2009/02/10/not-much-good/)
I'm a hockey player turned writer. After playing for Alaska Anchorage in the WCHA (NCAA), I carried on with an NHL tryout (New York Islanders in 2007) before spending a couple seasons in the AHL/ECHL (last year was 2008-09). My father, Bob Bourne, won four Stanley Cups with the Islanders in the '80's, as did my fiancee's dad, Clark Gillies. I'm now the web editor for theScore's hockey blog "Backhand Shelf."
Corny yes, kids yes … but I found it to be enjoyable television to set up the next four days. Gary Player’s ace was my highlight.
Thanks for the post.
Justin – my Dad owned a 365 acre 18 hole golf course in NH over 20 yrs ago and I was never able to make the whole 18 .Usually after hole 8 I was pulling my hair out ( that would explain my resemblance to george castanza) . Watching golf is as painful as being forced to watch Lawrence Welk and the Waltons when I was a kid!!!!yeah I know you probably have never heard of either and IT Is Painful.
Haha I don’t think anyone wanted to be “that guy” who pointed out the Faldo/Price thing. But hey, they’ve both got accents so it’s all good.
Why do Hockey folks love golf so universally? I’m not shitting on you posting about golf or anything, I don’t follow it but I don’t mind reading about it. But where is the connection, in the swing, I guess? It just seems like every single player (Witt excluded) loves golf.
Hockey players love golf because it’s the off-season, summer time, outdoors, not physically demanding, you can drink and it’s a with a few buddies, much like the locker room.
The sport is an afterthought!