One-Touch Passes, Zero Theme

 

Y’know what I don’t need when asking for directions?  Options.  “Well, you can either take the 40 to the 105, or you can just stay on 3rd street and take it up to -” NO.  I obviously don’t know WTF I’m doing, which is why I’m asking.  Narrow it down to one route for me and go with that set.  THANKS.

*****

Y’know what else is stupid?  When a bunch of people go out for dinner, the bill comes, and one or a few of the people don’t address it immediately.  It’s not that they don’t want to pay, they’re just not in any rush to deal with it.  The no-rush comes with a hint of “I’m so rich I could care less what the final number even is.” 

I sit there and stress out about the server coming back and looking to run cards or cash, and we haven’t addressed the situation.  WHY ARE YOU ALL SO CASUAL ABOUT THIS, THE BILL IS HERE!  {Also, don’t call it “the cheque”.  You pay bills, you get paid with a cheque.} *nothing to do with this past weekend Char, it’s a saved note in my phone

*****

I recently met Fred Couples ex-girlfriend (who had apparently just installed FJ’s, by the way.  …As in, fake jammers).  Freddy’s been my favourite golfer for as long as I can remember, but I’m a little weirded out by how he was living – at her house, with her roommates.  Hardly the palatial situation I saw for Freddy, his money, his smooth swing and his flowing hair.

*****

I busted out a column for USA Today on how being a free agent is like a choose your own adventure novel.  Spoiler: I didn’t finish the novel without failing the first time.

*****

I like that baseball’s All-Star Game means something.  All fans of other sports (hi, hockey fans) do is complain about their sport’s ASG, so it’s nice that there’s some relevance in one sport.  I don’t necessarily want to take away from the team with the best record, but surely there’s some reward we can give the NHL conference that wins.  Last change in game one?  A designated hitter that gets to roam the ice?  Extra ice girls?  Just something.

*****

Puck Daddy Live Chat at 1 PM EST, lets do dis like Brutus.  Puck Daddy

*****

It’s almost time for the British Open!  I’m pumped – I’ll actually be around the place this weekend, and my good ‘ol DVR machine is gonna let me watch Tiger’s triumphant return to glory (yes, I just predicted he’ll win).  It’s too bad golf’s majors get less interesting as the year goes on (okay, the first two are probably tied), but at least there’s always the, um… Fedex Cup?  Boo.

*****

So far in the “easier to get a passport in Canada or the US” debate, the US is wayyyy out in front.  Chill, Canada, it’s just me, Justin.

*****

Okay, I’ve gotta go chat with the boys at PD!  What’s up in the hockey world that we can discuss today?

A Diamond And A Rough. And Also Some Hockey.

 

A couple weeks back in late April, my lovely mother was in Phoenix with two of her girlfriends.  (My parents just got a place down here last year, which was how Bri and I came to visit and say “hmm, wanna live here?”)

After a busy day followed by dinner at our place, the call came.

Somewhere in Mom’s travels that day – her place, mall hopping, lunch out, dinner here – the diamond had come out of her ring. 

I scoured our house, and especially the pool area, where we had eaten our classy feast of pizza and wine.  It wasn’t a huge diamond or anything, but combining sentimental value you with a few thousand dollars of actual value make it crisis worthy.  And we never found it.  It could’ve been anywhere in Phoenix.

So yesterday, my allergies are killing me.  I can’t breathe.  I figure I might be able to clear my sinuses by heading to the steam room at my complex.  I turn the steam room on, and decided to um, have a sit-down in a nearby bathroom stall to have a little me time.  After a few seconds, I see a shard of glass.  But wait, that’s a sparkly shard of…. there, 200 yards and two weeks later, was her freaking diamond.

No idea how it could have feasibly ended up that far away, let alone in my line of vision.  But it did.  Crazy.

*****

My new column is up on USA Today.  It’s on what’s being discussed during a last-minute timeout in a close game.  Speaking of crazy things….

I wrote the rough draft for that column, and fired it off to my uncle to see what he thought of it.  He thought it was good, but had a few recommendations.  I took those recommendations and ran with it, re-writing about 30% of the column.  Happy with my final work, I fired it off.

The sports editor said he liked it, and that it would run.  I went to check it out and…. I had sent the rough draft in.  First time I’ve ever done that.  But since the editor liked the column, I figured, eh, let’s leave it.

Sooo, the slightly-rougher-than-planned version doesn’t mention the focus inside the defensive team’s huddle, but that’s a pretty short couple paragraphs anyways: don’t leave anybody uncovered low in the zone (just one guy left to cover high players), keep player’s sticks up around the net, and keep your sticks in passing lanes.  Pretty simple, meatheads.  Work hard and block shots.

*****

Blackhawks/Canucks

2-2 with a couple minutes to go in the third, and Brent Seabrook fires a rocket pass through a seam to Kris Versteeg, the type of pass you simply can’t make in rec hockey.  A laser.

Versteeg shows great patience, and reads the sliding d-man with a pull-up/cut.  He looks at his options, and sees everyone falling all over Luongo’s crease.  As he takes it to his forehand, everyone commits to him shooting.  Then he tries to pull it to his backhand, which I saw developing – to a wide open side of the net, to one of the prettiest goals of the year…. and loses it.  I was bummed, just because I love slick goals off the rush.

Then Chicago makes a couple passes only Chicago and Washington make.  They regain composure, fire it up to Keith, who fires it back to Versteeg (Chicago’s what, 6th best forward?) who’s able to stop it and fire a perfect wrister over a sliding Luongo.  That play is why I’m so enamoured with this Blackhawks team (but still, I’m rooting for the Canuckleheads).

The same way I mentioned that Pittsburgh and Detroit can score with skill or grit, the Canucks have their own options (Sedin/Sedin for skill, Kesler/Burrows for grit).  With a quality goaltender, I think the Canucks could cause Chicago (and beyond) absolute fits in playoffs.

This series easily gets the nod as the best series of all the conferece semi’s.

 

Boston/Philadelphia

As we begin the three or four game march to Philly’s funeral, here’s what I want to talk about:

Post-game interviews.

Often, I complain that hockey players are too generic in their responses, and holycrapsaysomethinginterestingsoon.

But the reporters are just as often to blame, because they force players into those answers.  And sometimes, they force you into full-out lying to not make them look like idiots.  This is the hardest thing to do as a player sometimes, it’s like taking an SAT question after doing cardio on a spin bike.

For example: I assume Lucic scored the winning goal yesterday, because they were interviewing him after the game.  Yes, that’s how little of that game I watched last night (went with some of Dexter season three until Bri went to bed, then watched the DVR’ed Canucks/Hawks game).

Anyways, the guy says to Milan:  “All three Bruins goals were on the shooters sticks for a combined total of under five seconds, how much did you guys preach quick release?”

How much did we preach quick release?

Well, not at all, actually, we always shoot it as quickly as possible when trying to score.  Y’know, so the goalie doesn’t have time to set?  That’d be like preaching “hey guys, when there’s a stick in the way of somewhere you want to pass, let’s really try this new saucer thing that takes advantage of the air above the guy’s blade.”

To Lucic’s credit, he saved the guy “Well, y’know, that’s the way you score on any goalie in this league, so we knew that….” blah blah blah.

It happens all the time.  One year I remember constantly being asked by our beat reporter some variation of ”what was your game plan on your opponents goalie tonight?”.  By the end of the year I had to tell the guy I couldn’t find any more jibber-jabber for that question “look, you try to find a hole and hit it.  If you have more time, you try to make him think you’re shooting somewhere you’re not with a fake, a look, a move.  Goalie’s with obvious weak spots can’t play professional hockey, so we didn’t ‘game plan’ anything.”  It’s not like NHL ’93 where everytime you skate across the crease the goalie gets caught on the post or something.  Half the time you’re just shooting for rebounds.

And then I shanked him with a shattered Synergy, cause I’m badass. (*note: that part may not have actually happened)

But seriously, c’mon guys, you’re better than that.

*****

Anywho, happy tuesday people!  Hope spring has sprung, wherever you’re at!

Sugar Cookies Suck. And Other Stuff.

Ahh, I’m back and feeling refreshed today.  Lets dive in.

My “rec hockey tip of the week” is for defenceman, on stick position.

When a guy is coming down on you one-on-one (or two-on-two, whatever), you aren’t being sneaky by keeping your stick out to the side for the big swing check.  I’m aware you have a stick, I haven’t forgotten from the previous thousand games I’ve played, like a puppy re-biting on the fake-thrown tennis ball.  Hiding it isn’t helping your cause. 

In fact, 90% of the time, I’m looking for your stick to put the puck under.  And when you swing it, I’m gonna skate to the side you’re swinging from everytime, slide the puck close to your feet so said stick misses badly, and cross you over.  The stick-swing weight-shift f**ks you.  Keep it in front of you, “on” the puck. 

{kitten just walked up my legs, and stuck his stupid round head over the screen, like a whack-a-mole.  He’s a healthy happy boy, judging by the purrs/terrorism}.

*****

Is Hannah Storm hot or not?  I’m confused.

*****

Hey, fellow Canadians.  Inconsisent but talented defenseman Tomas Kaberle just passed Tim freaking Horton on the all-time assist-list for Toronto Maple Leafs.  Nothing warms your heart like that I bet.  Save for the occassional double-double.  Those things are like crack.

*****

Being 100% honest, my blog is less fun to write now than when I started it in January/Febuary of this year, minus the fact that I can open my mouth to consume sustinence now (see: the tale of Bourne’s busted face).  Big perk.  Reason being is that now I make an effort to keep it about hockey, which occassionally doesn’t hold my interest.  It was more of a poorly-written review of documentaries and stand-up comedy in it’s inception, my two favourite things to watch (or Seinfeldian “what’s the deal with’s”). 

Point is, I have a running argument with a friend where I explain that sugar cookies are at the bottom of the cookie totem pole, and he’s in denial (my mom makes mmm, ballpark, 90 varieties of Christmas cookies/squares, general deliciousnesses, and he picks the sugar cookies off the chocolate-laden tray).  Which brings me to a long-time-due re-running of this Gary Gulman bit on sugar cookies that I ran allll the way back then:

[frustratedly still searching for clip I know is somewhere on the internet]

*****

The ice cream on the back of the lid rules. 

*****

So, after watching Rick Nash fall post-shootout attempt (again), it’s safe to say that, as a goalie, he’s the last person you want to see coming down on a breakaway, right?  Three reasons -- A) He can score  B) He’s huge, and very well might fall/run you over  C) He might do them simultaneously.

‘
‘
‘
Third Video: Shootout where he destroys tender and net, scores (still looking for that too)

Also on Nash: If you do a Youtube search of his shootout goals, they’re identical.  I don’t know why goalies don’t know this yet.  Everytime he almost falls, it’s because he’s doing something different.  We have the internet now. Goalies need to Nash is going forehand to the blocker side.  Tambellini is going high glove.  EVERY TIME.  Research, people!

*****

And last, a little bit of disappointing news.

This summer, I got a call from a guy named Dan Friedell.  Dan was the online hockey editor for USA Today, and at the urgings of a mutual friend, had read a little of my hockey writing.

Dan called me out of the blue one day, thinking we might be able to help each other out.  I agreed to write a hockey “blog” for them (aka the best I could possibly write a column ever), they get free hockey content, and in turn, I got the hope that if the stories were good, and people liked them, he would push to have me on as staff for the 09-10 season.

Well, the blogumns went well, and true to his word, Dan hired me to write a bi-weekly column.  I was ecstatic.

Dan got laid off yesterday (hopefully not for hiring me), as a result of the newspaper industry’s continued need to hack costs (and in turn, often quality) in an attempt to keep up with us “new media” folk and all our free content.  Because nothing say “news” like “Is Hannah Storm hot?”

So anyways, thanks Dan.  I really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to do what I do on a larger scale, and I’ll do my best to make that column something people look forward to reading, to show you’re a guy who makes good decisions.  My most recent, on old school coaches, came out yesterday.

Brendan and Brian Burke. And Me.

 

Let’s hit the links.

Yesterday, ESPN’s John Buccigross posted the Brendan Burke story - as was to be expected, the article has been passed around on Twitter like  it’s running a five-on-three powerplay.  As a result, I’m back in the mix (“the mix”, being the 286 comments received on my gay slurs article for USA Today).

I did an email interview on the story for Yahoo! hockey blogger “Puck Daddy” (Greg Wyshynski).  You can check that out here.

Also, I responded via email to a Buccigross question – he’ll be running that response later today, and of course, that’ll be up on here when he puts it up.

For my Canadian readers, I’ll be going on CBC’s primetime show “Connect with Mark Kelley” if one of the Burke’s are unable to make it – that’s at five o’clock today.  All I can say is, I’m cut out for radio today, not TV.  I look like I got lost in the woods, found and drank some grain alcohol, fought Manny Pacquiao, then slept in a ditch.  In reality, I just haven’t shaved in a week and couldn’t sleep because of late-night rec hockey.  …and I may have had a Stella or two.

***AMENDED*** – Apparently, it IS for TV.  Five o’clock Arizona time on the CBC.  I just scraped a razor over my dumb face, and will be heading to the studio in a bit, if the CBC can track down a willing partner in this.

And again, I received further confirmation in my inbox today that, yes, I am indeed a “flaming homo”.  So… I’ve got that going for me.

*****

Since I’m receiving a bit of an influx in the ‘ol number-of-hits category today, I thought I’d direct some first-time Bourne’s Bloggers to a few things I wrote that managed to not suck.

*An inordinately serious column on leaving the game of hockey, for The Hockey News

*The “How I Met Your Mother” of Bourne’s Blog.  The story written for Islanders Point Blank on how I ended up engaged to Clark Gillies daughter, Brianna.

*And the story of how I ended up being a writer, for The Hockey News – I’m having trouble getting their site to work right now, so you can find it as the bottom article on this page.

*****

So that’s all you get today, friends.  Looking forward to more feedback, and when the ESPN bit gets posted, you’ll be the first to know.

 

Homophobia in Hockey

 

I’m excited today.  My USA Today column on homosexuals in professional hockey is “out” this morning (did you gasp?  You gasped didn’t you.)  Major thank you’s to the people there for allowing me to run it, and for only editing out certain sentences, like, “I’ve said fag more times than a British smoker”, which was at one point my entire intro paragraph.  Please give it a read people, I think I make a fair point.

Secondly, Bourne’s Blog had it’s best reader comment ever, in regards to head injuries.  Verbatim, jbrown:

“We’ve covered NFL and NHL in this thread, but what about MLB? Baseball is responsible for some of the worst head injuries around. The other day I accidentally left the TV on Sportsnet and the World Series was on when I walked by. I vaguely recall being overcome with an intense malaise and dizzying level of apathy. When I came to, I was laying on the ground beside the coffee table with a small cut on my forehead.” 

I still can’t read that without laughing. 

I’m not sure what’s happening with me and baseball.  It makes no sense that I can love to play a sport so much, and have so much fun going to a game in person, yet can’t watch so much as a full inning of the World Series final on TV, even with two of the leagues most interesting teams playing.

I literally found it hard to flip back to the baseball game last night because the football game was so good, and the Coyotes were tied 3-3 in the third.  That’s how I knew I was really over baseball on TV.

HD TV has done well by so many sports, but I think baseball needs to go back to low-def.  Maybe seeing guys eating Spitz and not paying attention to their own game takes some of the fire out of it for me.  Imagine eating seeds on the bench in hockey?  You’d choke and die.  Hearing that Manny took a shower mid-game last series says a lot about baseball, unfortunately.

*****

Some quick hits:

The Coyotes were one win away from a blogged apology last night.  I saw they were up 3-1, and I wrote in my phone “admit you were wrong to Coyotes fans tomorrow”.  Then they puked on their shoes.  Now you’re going to have to wait a little longer for that apology.  …I hear a rattling… did a few screws get loosened around the bandwagon wheels?

Here’s the problem with this – I moved here intending to like the Coyotes, but I “knew” they were going to be bad.  So I wrote my opinion.  Now, they have a fast, hardworking, probably likable team (Shane Doan as the superstar made me type “likable” while cringing.  Nice guy, but as exciting as beige), but I want my prediction to come true, so I root against them.  At the very least, I offer the fans this:  I’ll stop rooting against them.  There.  That’s what you get.

*****

In hockey, did you know team bus drivers honk the horn twice when pulling away from an arena after a road win?  Wasn’t sure if fans knew that or not.  Every level, every team.

*****

In reference to a Paul Shirley tweet, isn’t it amazing that any Catholic school anywhere still makes teenage girls wear Tartan skirts as a uniform?  Are they that socially oblivious to what those have come to represent?

*****

Is switch-hitting the most impressive thing in sports?  It has my vote.  I can’t imagine the spinal damage I’d incur trying to hit a slider left-handed.

*****

 

I tweeted this in the past (God we need a better word for microblogs), but in the cap era of team building, is prolonged suckage the best path to success?  Isles are 4-0-2 in their last six, the Pens have been in two finals in two years, and the Blackhawks might win the Presidents trophy.  And those three teams sucked, sucked and sucked the first half of this decade.

*****

I had someone make the case to me about James Van Riemsdyk in Philly being a potential Calder Trophy winner.  I’m sold.  Seven points in his last six, and looking like he’s just getting more comfortable.

*****

That’s all for today.  Again, check out my USA Today piece, and let me know what you’re thoughts on the issue are.  Preferably on their site, not this one.  Thanks!

Aimed At You, Phoenix Fans

 

Let’s be clear on something Phoenix fans – I don’t dislike the Coyotes.  I keep saying they aren’t going to do well because I don’t think they’re going to do well.  I don’t like Carolina.  I think your team is bad.  There’s a difference.

I did my Power Rankings for USA Today… today… and I feel good about them.  I’ll link to the rest of my rankings tomorrow, but for today, I’ll just run my top ten teams:

1. Pittsburgh
2. Colorado
3. Washington
4. New York Rangers
5. Buffalo
6. Calgary
7. Los Angeles
8. Chicago
9. New Jersey
10. Phoenix

Worth noting

* Philly dropped from second to out of my top ten this week.  5-3-1 in 9 games with a roster as impressive as theirs just continues to defy logic.  Why aren’t they better?

* Phoenix crept into my top ten.  I’m never quite sure if a power ranking is supposed to be “top ten seasons so far” or “top ten teams who’ll win the cup” or something totally different.  I tend to think its a reflection of the season to date, with a minor bias towards those teams with more promise.  And up til now, the Coyotes have had the tenth best season in the NHL (and of course, that’s judging them as a real team with no “…for the Coyotes” kicker.  I bet it feels good to shed that kicker with their good start).

* Both at 6-3 in nine games, I have New Jersey ahead of Phoenix because they’re 5-0-0 on the road. 1-3 at home sucks, but five road wins makes their season to date better.

* My top five has four Eastern Conference teams.  When you look at the records, it’s tough to argue – even though Buffalo has only played 8 times, it’s still impressive to only have one loss (6-1-1).

* How about some of the teams I thought would struggle in the West flying outta the gates?  Phoenix, LA, and Dallas all started surprisingly well.  Unfortunately, someone has to lose every time a game is played.  Watch for a trend towards reality in the coming weeks.

* I realize I have Washington high again.  They’re 6-2-2, and that “slight bias towards teams with promise” did it to me again.  If you were the GM of a team that was a goalie away from being a legit Cup threat, wouldn’t you be making calls around the league every day?  Twice a day?  TO EVERY TEAM?

*****

 For hockey fans in Phoenix (and they do exist), coverage of your home boys isn’t great.  Actually, coverage of hockey period isn’t great.

I have good news.

Bourne’s Blog has a new sponsor.  In general, as I start adding more sponsors, I may have to lie to you.  “Oh, I really love using Glidden paint, and you should too”.  “When I score goals, I do it using Hammertime’s double-shafted lead sticks – it’s got a built-in cup holder!”.  But this one is no lie - Cactus Jack’s bar is awesome.

With more than 15 flat screens, the NHL package, TSN and CBC… if you wanna see a game covered at all, or better than Versus does it, it’s at 4747 Elliot Road by the Safeway in Ahwatukee.  Good food and cheap drinks.  And I mean cheap.  And though it’s not my cup of tea, they have three pool tables, Golden Tee, all the good bar staples.

So, here’s what I’m thinkin Phoenix fans.

You hate me.  That’s fine.  But lots of you hit my site everyday, I have that sort of technology that exposes you, believe it or not.

This Saturday, let’s go watch Hockey Night in Canada.  Let’s talk hockey.  Let’s hash this out.  I’m just trying to get a feel for this idea, so you can comment on here or write me an email, whatever.  My new sponsor wins, and I get to actually get to know you.  Thankfully, while drinking. 

How many of you would want to watch some hockey on a million-inch (give or take) with real commentators with me?  We’ll even put the Phoenix game on an adjacent TV, and I won’t make any smart-ass remarks (everyone who already knows me in person just spit water on their monitors).  You in?

North America or Europe?

 

Before we get too deep into anything on the blog (you know, cause I usually discuss such deep topics), check out my latest column for USA Today here.  It’s on team identity, how tough it is to find one when you’re losing, and how the Toronto Maple Leafs are the perfect example of that.  Don’t be shy to comment, recommend, and just generally make the major newspaper provider feel like they’ve made a good hire.

*****

It’s weird, how getting older means you see your friends less.  People move, get married, have kids, all that.  So of course, it’s always nice when you get the chance to reconnect. 

In junior, my roommate Andrew Derton was like a part of my family.  He’s down in Phoenix playing for the CHL team (er, change of plans on that, but anyways), so he’s spending some time over at my place.  It’s been nearly FIVE YEARS since I’ve seen the guy I once lived with for two years, won a championship with, and endured Mussonlini-as-a-coach with.

And just like yesterday’s blog involved some hockey thoughts that I mentioned came up over beer with a different guy, the following came up over red wine with Derts:

Derty played in Belgium and Holland a bit last year, and in talking about that, we got onto an important point for players making the “where to play” decision after junior or college.  North American hockey matters on your resume.

A little known fact about going to play overseas for fans, is that they really want you to have some experience over here before you go over there.  For the small and talented ”he’ll be great in Europe” guys, they should really stick it out over here for a year before they go (especially since it’s a LOT harder to go Europe to NA than NA to Europe). 

Good experience here can earn you double/triple what a similar player to you will be earning, strictly because you have North American pro under your belt. 

Before I broke my face in shattery-five places last year, I was in the midst of negotiating a deal in Europe, and had just had a deal for 750 Euro a week in The Hague (Netherlands) fall through (teams there are only allowed two imports per team, and there were some complications I don’t feel like writing out).  They pay housing and bills on top of that, and there’s almost no tax.  Neato.  Glad I broke my face and took up writing… stupid computer…

{<——- No, you’re right, fate, a broken face in Boise is much better than being overpaid near Amsterdam… I look like Artie Lange there.}

Anyway, he was telling me that on his CHL team, there were Europeans coming across to play in North America for two reasons:  One, the money is gone in a lot of lower European leagues (not all are mob backed.  I’m looking at you, KHL…).  Apparently the economy isn’t just bad here.  But the bigger one, two, is that they were trying to better build their resumes to earn better money. 

He was playing with a Dane, a French fella, Czechs, a Slovak and some Russians.  And, as is to be expected, and is typical, most to all of them hate “our” style of game (here comes the flood of “then go home thoughts” from readers).  I don’t mean that in a derogatory anti-Euro way at all; I’m stating a fact.  Most of them hate the dump and chase buffonery North American coaches employ (and I side with them on that).

*****

I have my “to blog about” file on my phone that I update when I chat with people and think of something.  I add stuff at sporting events, at red lights, wherever.  The downside of this, is that I think I get good ideas in the middle of the night, so I enter them in the file.

I consistently wake up to some cryptic, garbled nonsense that I have no clue how to decipher.  My favourite, by far, came last night, apparently around two a.m.

PopTart from an Oscar Envelope?

…yeah.  See?  These are the type of insights you’d miss if you didn’t read this blog.  (I love the question mark, like I wasn’t certain if it was a good idea or not.)

A Brief Thought on Knuckles

 

It’s too bad you can’t up and punch people anymore.

In our society, things have changed, and largely for the better.  You can’t smoke in bars, we recycle more, and we’re more tolerant of alternative lifestyles.

But you just can’t hit a dude.  And for the most part, that’s too bad.

I can kinda see what’s happened in the NHL happening in real life.  Back when my dad and dad-to-be played in the league, there was a lot less spearing, high-sticking and mouth-running, because you couldn’t get to the “uck” part of the phrase that ends in “you” without taking your first bite of knuckle sandwich.  Guys were held accountable, so they were less likely to flap their gums just to look tough.

Now, the league protects so heavily against guys getting randomly popped, that players spend time after every other whistle getting through a lot more than just ”f*** you” (which is still a clever, intelligent thing to say), because they never have to physically back it up.

And that’s on the ice.

Off the ice, you can’t hit anyone ever.  I think you have to file paperwork at City Hall if two people agree they wanna scrap.  Here’s where I’m going with this:

Why does anyone care that Braylon Edwards might have popped a “club promoter”  (Lebron Jame’s friend) at 2:30 a.m?

Club promoters are the exact type of  people that we need to taste a few flavours of knuckle on a nightly basis anyway.  A guy gets drunk at a club and punches the promoter… and we’re calling that “an alleged assault”?  Can we not devalue the phrase “assault” so much?  That’s an alleged “straightening out of the food chain”, isn’t it?

Lebron is saying that his club promoter friend is “like 130 pounds, it’d be like hitting someones little brother”.  Okay – if you’re 130 pounds, don’t run your mouth to a professional football player, right?  Just a thought.

*****

As my Facebook status mentioned yesterday, I’m dropping more columns than a bomb at the Parthenon today. (Still only me that thinks thats funny?  My bad).  The following are links to those pieces:

USA Today – A New Season Begins

The Hockey News – Life After Hockey

The Start of Everything Great

*****

Ahhh Monday, October 5th – the start of everything great.

Great:   This week kicks off the start of the 2009 – 2010 NHL season, and the excitment in North America is at it’s highest level in years.  08-09 saw the league make great strides towards regaining national interest, and this season got out of the gates even quicker than the one past.  It’s year five of the channel Versus’ NHL coverage, and though they do a slightly worse job of covering it than the Detroit Lions defense does of covering anything, it’s still a positive sign that this year’s opening day game had the highest ratings they’ve ever had by a run-away. 

Welcome back NHL season, and a welcome to Bourne’s fantasy hockey dominance – my guys have 12 points already, and my goalies have an average save percentage of like  .952!  …wait… what??  I’m losing with those stats?  Someone must have created a stupid league.

Also great: The NFL season just finished it’s fourth week, and we’re finally getting into the heart of the year.  My Jets are 3-1, which, despite a Mark Sanchez implosion last game, is the type of start any team would happily accept.  Good stuff from Gang Green.

Also great: The NBA season starts soon.  Not that I care all that much, but I like watching Lebron dunk on fools like the league is playing on Fischer-Price hoops.  I like the phrase ”posterize” (the act of dunking so hard on someone that they become the guy getting dunked-on in the poster on the wall of a kid’s room), and I like buzzer-beaters.  But really, it’s about Lebron (and the Cavs awesome team chemistry).  He’s like Tiger Woods – he makes an otherwise barely interesting sport mandatory to watch when he’s involved. 

Also great: My lady-friend and I are moving into our first place on Thursday.  Well, the first one we’re trading our own money to stay in, anyways.  As the Phoenix residents have explained, we’ve now entered the second six-month season, simply known here as “bragging”.  88, blue and clear here today.  How’s things Alaska?  Boston?  (Sorry, I had to).

Also great: 46″ Sharp Aquos, in the box, waiting to be opened.  Next topic.

Also great: Now that I got my Negative Nancy article out of my system (the firestorm-inducing piece in the Arizona Republic), I have a bunch of positive-ish columns coming out this week.  I’ll be linking to them here, because I’m not certain I’ll have time to blog later this week with the move and all.  The article’s title will become a link the second they become available around the ‘net.

Monday: HockeyPrimetime.com – The Last Two Cents For Fleury

Tuesday: USA Today – A New Season Begins

Wednesday: The Hockey News – Life After Hockey

Whenever Botta Wants: Islanders Point Blank – Trevor Smith

Two more quick things:

One: Give HockeyPrimetime a thorough check-out in the coming weeks.  They’re focused on providing quality original content, while amalagamating some of the best hockey stuff from around the ‘net.  They have radio shows in the works, and they built this site.  Hence, I’m a fan.

Two: If I may, I’d recommend reading the pieces for USA Today and The Hockey News.  The USA Today piece is a nice, light piece on how the start of the season feels, right before the marathon season begins.  If you like the piece, please, let them know, since they took the (massive) risk in hiring me.  The Hockey News piece is an article that stands in stark contrast to the USA Today one, but is strong in it’s own, different way.  It carries a lot of my own honest emotion about leaving the game, and was theraputic to write.

I hope you enjoy them all, and most of all, enjoy this hockey season.  Islanders, for the Cup! (enjoy the money I lost on that bet, Vegas…)

Sports Prediction of the Year

 

I love sports for a million different reasons.  Last night was the best example of reason number 834,777 that I’ve ever seen in my life.

#834,777  - the random prediction come true.  You know, when you’re sitting at your cubicle and you call your shot with the crumpled paper -- “Off the printer, clip the water cooler, then garbage”.  Bam.  In the garbage. 

Whether you call it a prediction, or a called shot, you have to love those moments.  And it’s just as great to call someone elses shot.  It’s fun being the guy standing behind your buddy while pointing Out-Of-Bounds right, just before he tees off… only to have him hammer it Out-Of-Bounds right.

Listen to the call by the Mariners announcer before the game - a prediction about a kid who’s never hit a big league homerun.  I so so apologize that the only place I could find the clip was from *shudder* Rachel Maddow (poorly clipped too.  The announcers start getting excited earlier in the count when it starts looking possible).  But you’ll enjoy it:

‘

Sick.

*****

Sooo, what the hell?  Hossa is out til “late November”?  And I was so pumped about picking him up as a third rounder in the Bourne’s Blog Hockey League.  Don’t worry though, I just checked out my team and we’re still stacked.  There was nooo bias in my “Carey Price is going to have a good year” comment from the video blog… Noooo bias at all.

*****

And last… It’s official.  I’m a USA Today staffer.

The blog on their site was sort of a “tryout” period, so thanks for all your support -- especially you, Alaska and New York.  You combine for almost 50% of my blog hits (with my long-time hometown of Kelowna contributing about 1-2%… thanks Mom, Dad and Bro).  To those of you who’ve linked to my blog, and promoted me on hockey forums, blogs and everywhere else… more thank you’s.

I’ll be writing a bi-weekly NHL column called “Other Side of the Glass”.

So, throughout the year, I’ll be looking for NHL topics to write about.  Given that the column isn’t all that frequent, I’ll have ample research time.  Hit me up if you think you have something story worthy!

Simply A Link

 

My latest entry for USA Today will run sometime tonight, and can be found by clicking nhl.usatoday.com, and scrolling down a bit.  On the left is a “Bourne’s Blog” link.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

Three Things On The Way Up

 

ONE -- Sledge Hockey: Murderball on ice.

I’ve played the majority of all wheelchair sports -- basketball, rugby, hockey, bowling, kayaking, football and cow-tipping - if it exists, I’ve tried it.  And, I’ve been pretty decent at most of it.

My brother Jeff however, is downright good.  From being a gold medalist at the BC Disabled Games, to  dominating the occasional game of Shoot-The-Tennis-Ball-At-Your-Brothers-Junk, he’s always been pretty successful.  In following the family rules, he was always especially good at floor hockey.  Once you master minor complications like “how to move while holding a stick”, the game gets a little easier.

But obviously, hockey could never quite be the same for disabled players as stand-up guys.   Until sledge hockey.

These athletes are about to take the international sports world by storm.

In an exciting move, CTV has committed to showing all of Canada’s games in the 2010 winter Olympics.  Have you seen these guys haul yet?  You’ll be floored, unless (heaven forbid) you get in the way of one of them, in which case you’ll be iced.

Here’s what you need to know to fully enjoy the sport when you watch it on tv (because you will watch it on tv):

The sleds are balanced on two legit skate blades, with a third little one at the front.  The national team studs have the blades nearly touching each other under their bucket seat, where you’d need them to function like training wheels.  Your first time out on a narrow-bladed sled is like trying to balance in a wheelbarrow on a unicycle… not that easy.

The sticks are nearly flat (like a super-obtuse angle in geometry class), and have picks on the back to pull the sled around.  Only it’s less of a pull, and more of a “holy-christ that human is a missle in a bucket”. 

In a sentence, it’s a well-organized car accident.

And of course, it’s hockey.  The goalie has picks on the bottom of the trapper and blocker for mobility, and also (I assume) because they figured the only way to make hockey more interesting was to make the goalie be a human Swiss-army knife.  Less snow-spraying, more “yessir, no sir, my fault sir”.

Sledge hockey’s popularity is rising, and it’s rising fast.  Like all new sports, its taken awhile to come into it’s own, but there’s some extremely elite players out there that’ll make you feel really bad for doing so little with your four limbs. 

So here it comes.  Just another reason to enjoy a good ol’ fashioned Canada/US on-ice suckerpunch festival.  To complete my sale, give me 45 seconds of your time.  Click!  Sold.

‘

*****

TWO -- The Crown Float: Tastes like liquified angels.

This, my American friends, is what’s known as a crown float.  It’s 50 percent Strongbow (dry cider), 50 percent Guiness, and 100% better than what you’re drinking right now.

 

The black and tan is nice (Guiness over Harp’s or Bass), but not nearly as refreshing.  And you know what?  It’s not alone in the ”strictly-in-Canada” category for popular drinks at our local watering holes.  Here, as you may know, it’s standard practice to drink your beer with Clamato juice.  Not V8, Clamato (yes, that’s clam and tomato).  I loathe it, but it’s everywhere, and, I’m told, is the hangover beverage of the pro’s (where the US cure is the Bloody Mary, Canada answers that as well with a slight variation in the Caesar).

I’m not trying to sell poutine here people.  I’m trying to help.  Strongbow and Clamato.  Call us and we’ll ship you some, it’ll be popular I swear.

*****

THREE -- My USA Today Blog: My voice to help save the US, one beer at a time.

And last, thanks to those of you who checked out and recommended my first posting on the USA Today website.  Down the left side of www.nhl.usatoday.com, is the “Bourne Blog” option.  The better reception it gets, the better for all of us, because hell, maybe they’ll send me to cover something cool one day.  I’ll start planning for my trip to the 2010 ESPY’s now, just in case.

 

 

 

I’m 6’3″, 200, I Swear

 

Here’s a comment/question from reader Far North:  

“A player who was listed as 6’3″, 200 pounds on last year’s college roster  is listed as 6’2,” 175 pounds by his new NHL team.  I’ve stood next to enough college players to think that the roster stats are often optimistic.  Does this continue at the higher levels?  Are NHL teams required to report those things accurately?”

The craziest thing about height measurement, in my experience, is that there’s no uniform, standard procedure for doing it, even in the NHL.  It’s like a slightly upgraded version of a mom putting notches on the wall as her kid grows.

My favourite year was the one in college where they measured us using the advanced clipboard-on-head method, followed by the measuring of that mark.  The guy taking the measurements that particular year was all of about 5’8″, so all the clipboards had a nice uphill slant to them.  I literally had to call the athletic administration to tell them not to list me at 6’3″, because I figured scouts would notice I wasn’t, and label me full-of-shit before I even had the chance to prove them right (I’m 6’1 and a half, but was always listed at 6’2″). 

But every year, in a split second, your height and weight were both measured and permanent, to be splashed on a dozen websites, in programs, on scouting reports, wherever.  All the guys tried to drink about a gallon of water (literally) the morning of the weigh-in, as to appear more muscle-dense.  I actually played with a defensemen who was drafted that was told to “beef up” in the off-season, so he literally had two 2.5 pound weights hidden on him for weigh-in (they didn’t make us strip down in college like they do in pro either, which is nice - wearing jeans tacks on at least a pair of crucial l.b.’s).

It’s probably just the lack of thorough measuring in college that leads to the misrepresentation of height and weight.  They want the guys to look bigger to increase their chances of moving on too, as it looks good on the program.  Once you’re in the NHL, there’s no advantage in lying about your size – results are finally what matters, not potential, so you tend to see a more honest representation of size (even though there are in fact no rules governing truth in advertising).

But sure enough, at Islander camp, in Hershey, wherever;  you simply took your shoes off and stood against a wall with heights on it.  I always managed to get my heels just that half-inch of the floor to make the 6’2″ mark.  Nobody cared (MLIA).

*****

 There’s only one other thing I want to write about for today, and it’s of crucial importance to me.  I have a neat opportunity to contribute to the USA Today’s online hockey section, so starting today, I’m writing an occasional blog (every week or so) on a profile there.  If all goes well, it could be a great thing for the other sites I write for as well, bringing more credibility to what I do, while helping increase readership.

Basically, it would be in my best interest if the blog did well there, so please, if you’re an avid Bourne’s Blog reader, click THIS LINK and feel free to contribute a positive comment or two.  The article is a more current re-packaging of my piece  ”A Love-Hate Relationship With Hockey” , and has a link on the main USA Today hockey page, www.nhl.usatoday.com (thanks to those of you who commented already – minor technical difficulties at USA Today have meant I’ve had to re-post the article, and lose the early comments).  Turns out there is hope in this writing world…