WAKE UP!  Let’s get today goin’ with three must-see videos:

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqdBNffhVjc

You only need the first 30 seconds or so of this next one. A “fake robbery” prank gone wrong… I love how shady the guy is after, like “nothing to see here…”:

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ESyzEvCtE0

Have you seen “Jersey Shore” yet?  God I hope not.  Unfortunately, some of us live with east coast girls who think reality TV is hilarious, and I’ll admit, this one is tough to turn away from for all the wrong reasons. For my Canadian friends, here’s a sneak peek at the high-quality television MTV is running these days (by the way, a million thanks to the news anchors for their insightful commentary on the show.)

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www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe7V85lA-bI

(*high-pitched* WHAT GUY DOES THAT??)

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Thinking: "I haven't used this thing in years, since I discovered hockey."

 I understand how some things are tough for countries to change, like for the US, it would be expensive to switch to the reasonable system of measurement, metric.  What I don’t get, is why it would be a huge, raging difficulty for both Canada and the US to simply change our national sports to what our countries national sports actually are. 

Really, Canada?  Lacrosse?  At least Americans can debate over a couple stupid loopholes, like the word “pasttime”.  What’s our excuse for ignoring the obvious?  And not to sound like Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler, but REALLY, USA?  Baseball?  Can you be proud of yourselves being represented by A NON-CONTACT sport?  That doesn’t seem very American to me.  What gets better ratings, the Superbowl or MLB playoff “action”? 

The toque can't overcome sabotage, bastard.

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Jose Theodore spent two months sabotaging my fantasy hockey team from the inside, like a double agent.  After the discovery of his bad intentions and his subsequent release, he went back to his true owner, whoever it is I’m playing this week (I believe that’s you, AiH). 

 Theodore nearly put up a shutout for my opponent (head-to-head league) in a 6-1 win with a huge save percentage.  I wanted to like you, Jose, I really did.  In the prime of your career, you wore a toque on your helmet for an outdoor game.  And now, all you have are reservations for one at Justin Bourne’s Sports Hate Bar and Grill.

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Isn’t having “divisions” in sports just a generally horrible idea?  In all seriousness, why do we need them, just to lower travel expenses?  What would be so bad about just having two conferences and the top teams making it?

Yeah that seems fair.

It just makes no sense to me that you can get the three seed in playoffs when you don’t have the third best record in your conference.  It also make no sense to me that good teams like the Toronto Blue Jays routinely have to take the no-jock crotch-kick of being in the same division with the Yankees and Red Sox, while teams like the Washington Capitals get 20-some night-off-free-W’s a year by being good enough to coast past Carolina, Florida, Tampa Bay or Atlanta once every few games.

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 Happy humpday.  Time to start holiday shopping?

First, thanks to Hardcore Sports on Sirius 98 for including me in today’s conversation.  Looking forward to doing it again sometime soon, it was fun.

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On the heels of a borderline intelligent post, let’s bring this blog back to reality.  Some crucial business:

The Nintendo Wii: Is the point to come full-circle so I’m actually just playing tennis?  They’ve added some new feature with a gyroscope that tracks your movements better so your character does exactly what you do on-screen.  What’s the deal here people?

In a few years they’re going to add the feeling of a ball hitting a racquet, that way we’ll be able to have all the benefits of playing tennis, while still not having to socialize with anyone.  Congrats on the… progress?

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I think yuppies get a bad rap. 

That, or I’m on my way to becoming one.  My point is this – I really like nice things.  Don’t you?

It would be hard to go back to driving my Geo Tracker now that I drive an Altima Coupe.  I don’t think I could go back to drinking six dollar whiskey now that I’ve had Crown Royal.  The only leap I haven’t made is to a fancy phone, and it’s an inevitable jump I can’t wait to make.

So maybe I won’t need to part my hair at the side, change my name to Chet and rock sweater-vests, but if loving nice stuff is in Yuppieville, then pack the U-Haul and change my zip code.

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I gotta show the Toronto Blue Jays some love.

The boys just dusted up the White Sox for a little sweeparoo, and have officially sent me into the Canucks realm of “this is going to be really disappointing when it doesn’t pan out”. 

That damn division is stupid strong, but at 27 – 14, this group of shouldn’t-be’s look like a finely tuned group of actually-are’s.  Let’s hop on Sniders back and ride these guys all the way to the soul-crushing defeat at the hands of the Skankees in September!

Oh, and PS, the Mets are leading their division too.  No big deal.  Everybody remain calm. 

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Reliever Will Ohman made this hilarious comment about the recent female-fertility-drug-bust of teammate Manny Ramirez:  “For a guy going into his second trimester, he looks great.  He’s barely showing”. 

Hilarious.

My interview today was about athletes and how limited they are in what they’re allowed to say, with me preaching that they need more leeway.  Then, my favourite talk sports show, Pardon The Interruption, posed the question “Fair or Foul” on the comment.  I was disappointed, until they answered, by praising the humour in it.  I love you more each day, PTI.

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Science time!  Why do frozen perogies not float?  Cooked perogies float.  Ice floats.  But frozen perogies don’t? 

Explain (and show your work).

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So, between re-locating, house-buying, job-hunting, and working towards the Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp, I’m a little occupado (as is the misses, who’s also finishing her Masters).

Why I continue to spend time blogging, I’m not sure – so thanks for justifying it with your support, and further feeding my narcissism.  Hits continue to increase!

Enjoy Pens-Carpetbaggers tonight, I’ll break it down tomorrow!