And For His Next Act, Dorsett Slips On A Banana Peel

 

And now, your bi-daily violent hit review -- the hit-from-behind on Columbus player Derek Dorsett, courtesy James Neal.

‘

First, thanks to Bob Mckenzie for the review of “I think there’s a chance there could be a suspension here”.  Let’s continue discussing while we scour the ice for the rest of Dorsett’s frontal lobe.

Second, WEAR A FUCKING VISOR, Derek. 

Third, okay, the hit is horrible.  Dorsett is really really hurt.  We need to stop this stuff.  ….But that was funny, right?  I mean, wasn’t it exactly how a vaudeville actor would have played “getting knocked unconscious?”  Or like, in a pre-teeny-after-school-special type show?  Right over backwards, arms out wide?  Okay, okay, you’re right, it was brutal.    ….Ohscrewyou, that was funny.

*****

Pre-season this year, I predicted the St. Louis Blues to be a sneak-into-playoffs type team, then they got off to a real crap start.  Then, I predicted the Coyotes to get off to a real crap start, and they came out looking like a sneak-into-playoffs type team (or Stanley Cup winner, depending on who you ask).

Though I’ve backed off on the Coyote bashing, I’ll take this chance to re-affirm my stance that the Blues are good.  With their goaltending, and depth at forwards, their ship has to turn around eventually.  And if not, I’ll start blaming totally arbitrary things like their schedule, or being stuck in a tough division with Nashville and Columbus.

I also predicted Chicago to win the Presidents trophy.  I’m not far off on that one, but I may have overlooked the fact that the Capitals division -- Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Carolina and Florida is the most nauseatingly poor grouping of teams since the WNBA (ahhh, felt good to get another shot in.  Been awhile).

*****

You can say what you like about last nights Toronto/Carolina game -- battle for the basement, two teams who can’t hold a lead, whatever… but for fans buying a ticket to a hockey game, that was epic.

Not many fans out there appreciate the nuances of a fine goaltending duel - but they all love what they saw out there last night.  Props to those who stayed to watch the last 30 seconds after the ‘Canes did their best to puke the game away in the last minute.  No, no… not props.  Big ups.  I’m switching to using “big ups” more.  Big ups to ‘Canes fans.

*****

Everyone who had the Devils leading their division (vs. Philly, Pitt, the Rangers and… my Isles) raise their hand.  Liars.  Put your hand down.

On the topic of the Devils, I put in a call to my buddy Stan Fischler yesterday -- “The Maven” as he’s affectionately known, deserves at least a whole post, and I will get to that.  For now, I want to do two things -- One, thank him for applying to get me NHL credentials (I’ll occassionally submit pieces on the Coyotes for his newsletter, in exchange), and two, plug his new book Who’s Better: Rangers, Devils, Islanders or the Flyers? (Hint: it’s not the Rangers)

It’s a full comparison of each team’s history, everything from goaltending to tough guys to best Cup-winning team.  Oh, and I wrote the story of Dad’s end-to-end rush against the Rangers for Stan.  So, you know… that was sorta cool.

*****

Have a great weekend folks.  Oh, and watch this.  I legitimately “lol’ed”:

‘

Homophobia in Hockey

 

I’m excited today.  My USA Today column on homosexuals in professional hockey is “out” this morning (did you gasp?  You gasped didn’t you.)  Major thank you’s to the people there for allowing me to run it, and for only editing out certain sentences, like, “I’ve said fag more times than a British smoker”, which was at one point my entire intro paragraph.  Please give it a read people, I think I make a fair point.

Secondly, Bourne’s Blog had it’s best reader comment ever, in regards to head injuries.  Verbatim, jbrown:

“We’ve covered NFL and NHL in this thread, but what about MLB? Baseball is responsible for some of the worst head injuries around. The other day I accidentally left the TV on Sportsnet and the World Series was on when I walked by. I vaguely recall being overcome with an intense malaise and dizzying level of apathy. When I came to, I was laying on the ground beside the coffee table with a small cut on my forehead.” 

I still can’t read that without laughing. 

I’m not sure what’s happening with me and baseball.  It makes no sense that I can love to play a sport so much, and have so much fun going to a game in person, yet can’t watch so much as a full inning of the World Series final on TV, even with two of the leagues most interesting teams playing.

I literally found it hard to flip back to the baseball game last night because the football game was so good, and the Coyotes were tied 3-3 in the third.  That’s how I knew I was really over baseball on TV.

HD TV has done well by so many sports, but I think baseball needs to go back to low-def.  Maybe seeing guys eating Spitz and not paying attention to their own game takes some of the fire out of it for me.  Imagine eating seeds on the bench in hockey?  You’d choke and die.  Hearing that Manny took a shower mid-game last series says a lot about baseball, unfortunately.

*****

Some quick hits:

The Coyotes were one win away from a blogged apology last night.  I saw they were up 3-1, and I wrote in my phone “admit you were wrong to Coyotes fans tomorrow”.  Then they puked on their shoes.  Now you’re going to have to wait a little longer for that apology.  …I hear a rattling… did a few screws get loosened around the bandwagon wheels?

Here’s the problem with this – I moved here intending to like the Coyotes, but I “knew” they were going to be bad.  So I wrote my opinion.  Now, they have a fast, hardworking, probably likable team (Shane Doan as the superstar made me type “likable” while cringing.  Nice guy, but as exciting as beige), but I want my prediction to come true, so I root against them.  At the very least, I offer the fans this:  I’ll stop rooting against them.  There.  That’s what you get.

*****

In hockey, did you know team bus drivers honk the horn twice when pulling away from an arena after a road win?  Wasn’t sure if fans knew that or not.  Every level, every team.

*****

In reference to a Paul Shirley tweet, isn’t it amazing that any Catholic school anywhere still makes teenage girls wear Tartan skirts as a uniform?  Are they that socially oblivious to what those have come to represent?

*****

Is switch-hitting the most impressive thing in sports?  It has my vote.  I can’t imagine the spinal damage I’d incur trying to hit a slider left-handed.

*****

 

I tweeted this in the past (God we need a better word for microblogs), but in the cap era of team building, is prolonged suckage the best path to success?  Isles are 4-0-2 in their last six, the Pens have been in two finals in two years, and the Blackhawks might win the Presidents trophy.  And those three teams sucked, sucked and sucked the first half of this decade.

*****

I had someone make the case to me about James Van Riemsdyk in Philly being a potential Calder Trophy winner.  I’m sold.  Seven points in his last six, and looking like he’s just getting more comfortable.

*****

That’s all for today.  Again, check out my USA Today piece, and let me know what you’re thoughts on the issue are.  Preferably on their site, not this one.  Thanks!

Aimed At You, Phoenix Fans

 

Let’s be clear on something Phoenix fans – I don’t dislike the Coyotes.  I keep saying they aren’t going to do well because I don’t think they’re going to do well.  I don’t like Carolina.  I think your team is bad.  There’s a difference.

I did my Power Rankings for USA Today… today… and I feel good about them.  I’ll link to the rest of my rankings tomorrow, but for today, I’ll just run my top ten teams:

1. Pittsburgh
2. Colorado
3. Washington
4. New York Rangers
5. Buffalo
6. Calgary
7. Los Angeles
8. Chicago
9. New Jersey
10. Phoenix

Worth noting

* Philly dropped from second to out of my top ten this week.  5-3-1 in 9 games with a roster as impressive as theirs just continues to defy logic.  Why aren’t they better?

* Phoenix crept into my top ten.  I’m never quite sure if a power ranking is supposed to be “top ten seasons so far” or “top ten teams who’ll win the cup” or something totally different.  I tend to think its a reflection of the season to date, with a minor bias towards those teams with more promise.  And up til now, the Coyotes have had the tenth best season in the NHL (and of course, that’s judging them as a real team with no “…for the Coyotes” kicker.  I bet it feels good to shed that kicker with their good start).

* Both at 6-3 in nine games, I have New Jersey ahead of Phoenix because they’re 5-0-0 on the road. 1-3 at home sucks, but five road wins makes their season to date better.

* My top five has four Eastern Conference teams.  When you look at the records, it’s tough to argue – even though Buffalo has only played 8 times, it’s still impressive to only have one loss (6-1-1).

* How about some of the teams I thought would struggle in the West flying outta the gates?  Phoenix, LA, and Dallas all started surprisingly well.  Unfortunately, someone has to lose every time a game is played.  Watch for a trend towards reality in the coming weeks.

* I realize I have Washington high again.  They’re 6-2-2, and that “slight bias towards teams with promise” did it to me again.  If you were the GM of a team that was a goalie away from being a legit Cup threat, wouldn’t you be making calls around the league every day?  Twice a day?  TO EVERY TEAM?

*****

 For hockey fans in Phoenix (and they do exist), coverage of your home boys isn’t great.  Actually, coverage of hockey period isn’t great.

I have good news.

Bourne’s Blog has a new sponsor.  In general, as I start adding more sponsors, I may have to lie to you.  “Oh, I really love using Glidden paint, and you should too”.  “When I score goals, I do it using Hammertime’s double-shafted lead sticks – it’s got a built-in cup holder!”.  But this one is no lie - Cactus Jack’s bar is awesome.

With more than 15 flat screens, the NHL package, TSN and CBC… if you wanna see a game covered at all, or better than Versus does it, it’s at 4747 Elliot Road by the Safeway in Ahwatukee.  Good food and cheap drinks.  And I mean cheap.  And though it’s not my cup of tea, they have three pool tables, Golden Tee, all the good bar staples.

So, here’s what I’m thinkin Phoenix fans.

You hate me.  That’s fine.  But lots of you hit my site everyday, I have that sort of technology that exposes you, believe it or not.

This Saturday, let’s go watch Hockey Night in Canada.  Let’s talk hockey.  Let’s hash this out.  I’m just trying to get a feel for this idea, so you can comment on here or write me an email, whatever.  My new sponsor wins, and I get to actually get to know you.  Thankfully, while drinking. 

How many of you would want to watch some hockey on a million-inch (give or take) with real commentators with me?  We’ll even put the Phoenix game on an adjacent TV, and I won’t make any smart-ass remarks (everyone who already knows me in person just spit water on their monitors).  You in?

Islanders and Coyotes Thoughts

 

Dad’s observation on hockey coverage, from yesterday: “It’s interesting that between all the hockey analysts on TSN, ESPN, NHL Network, Sportsnet and Headline Sports, not one of them has ever really won – let alone a Cup.”  I’m not sure if he’s right about that or not, but I certainly can’t think of one.  Kevin Weeks?  Ray Ferraro?  Mike Milbury?  Maybe Bob McKenzie has one? 

By the way, I still can’t mention Pierre McGuire’s name without having the other half of the conversation get spitting mad. As my buddy Neil mentioned on here, he’s “polarizing”… only thing is, I’m yet to hear anyone be on any pole other than “that guy’s an idiot”.  “You see what Evander Kane’s thinking HERE?  He’s thinking ‘I’ve got big Ron Hainsey backing me up, two forwards caught deep, a defenseman that struggles doing an eagle-pivot to the left, and I’m coming down on a goalie with damaged confidence from last weeks shellacking when he got pulled in the second period, so I’m gonna drive it wide and fire it off the back wall so it comes out to my lightning fast linemate streaking on the other side, who’s gonna BURY it.’  How good is this kid, Gord?  Only 18 years old.  EIGHTEEN!”.

*****

Couple slew-foots in the NHL lately.  I hate the f***ing play.  How cheap is that?  It’s the one-man equivalent of having someone kneel behind a guy and pushing him, only twice as dangerous.  That play isn’t regarded with a whole lot of respect in the hockey community, as I’m sure you could’ve guessed.  Ovy’s wasn’t that bad (the “borderline slewy” can be tough to gage), but Arthuykykykykyku-e-i-e-i-o-kin’s was.

*****

My Isles, they’re a-strugglin’.

When I watched the highlights, and saw some of the namebars, I was a little less surprised at their struggles.  I had been so caught up in their positive names (ie. young guns Tavares/Okposo, supposedly better goaltending in Rolo/Biron, d-man Streit), that I forgot they were occasionally dressing guys like Thompson and Reichlicz. 

They have officially given my friends on the team enough “development”.  They need Comeau, Tambellini and Neilsen to be good now, not “up-and-comers”, or they’ve wasted their time on them.  Tim Jackman has been consistently good, but his “good” is different from those guys I just mentioned, that are supposed to provide some offense.  Tim isn’t.

It’s like some of the guys on that team have free passes to be NHLers, and they’re just happy to be there.  Not that Bailey won’t be a good NHLer by the time he’s old enough to legally consume alcohol, but would he have played on any other NHL team last year?  This year?  I keep waiting for somebody to grab an opportunity by the balls and run with it on that team.

*****

And last, after the Coyotes hot start, and me writing an article saying they’d suck, I hadn’t backed down.  Then they beat the Bruins.  Then they beat the Red Wings.  At some point (speaking of cutting losses) I’m going to have to say I was wrong.  But I’m just. not. ready yet.

The Coyotes will still miss the playoffs, but instead of 15th, they’re looking at 9th/10th.  TSN has them ranked somewhere in the NHL’s top three.  Hard to argue – they’ve handed Pittsburgh their only loss, and even their own losses were games they could have won.

So I’m sitting down to do USA Today’s power rankings…. and the boys cracked the top ten.  Right now, I’d be an idiot to claim otherwise.

*****

Last, you can now sign up for membership on HockeyPrimetime.com (www.hockeyprimetime.com).  In November, HPT will be unveiling it’s discount shopping portal to it’s members (certain percentages off at stores like Best Buy, Home Depot and more when you buy online).  They support me, so definitely support them.  The latest piece I wrote for them is on bad travel experiences, from the mouths of the players that live them.

Mommy, Wow, I’m A Big-Boy Now

 

Well, that was stressful.

Last night, I was the NHL.com correspondent covering the Coyotes home opener.

It turns out “being a hockey reporter” doesn’t actually mean ”getting paid to watch the game”.  There’s a ton of work involved.  I have a new respect for those guys, honestly.  In fact (as I’ve so often suspected from reading game articles), the toughest thing to find time to do is watch the game.  There’s such a need for immediacy, that the writing ends up looking like upscale bullet points.

The gentleman editing my pieces, Mr. Kreiser at the NHL, deserves at least half of what I earned (which is just short of enough to retire on, of course).  It was fun reading the articles today to find out what I wrote.  Turns out I knew a whole buncha stuff about the facts.  Good for me.

Had I not had an editor, or anyone screening my thoughts, they’d have looked something closer to this:

- Hmm, Phoenix/Columbus.  This should be sufficiently disappointing for the fans.

- Wow, this atmosphere rules

- Upshall, big hit.  Mueller looks great.  Columbus wants to murder Fiddler.  Jovonovski wants to murder the powerplay.

- Just score a damn goal for the fans already

- I’m hungry

- Just score a damn goal for the fans already

- Oh god, they’re going to get shutout

- How much does Jovocop make again?

And then I missed the rest of the third trying to write something coherent.  Check out my main contribution here, and keep your eyes peeled for the follow-up piece I submitted this morning.  Thanks to Bob Condor at NHL.com for giving me the opportunity.  I learned more in one working Saturday night than I did over the hundreds in college where I was shown the complex inner workings of beer bongs, keg stands and “quarters”.  So now I’m well-rounded.

*****

Also, check out the Five Reason I Love Hockey, on Puck Daddy’s hockey blog for Yahoo! sports.  I’ll have the internet up and running at the new apartment Tuesday, so I’ll have a new post then!

Pre-Season NHL Stuff

Thoughts from my first Phoenix Coyotes pre-season game:

(1)  Matt Greene, now of the LA Kings, played for the U of North Dakota when I was in college.  I always thought he was a bit of a liability for them (based on his big, lumbering nature), but UND was one of a few teams that had an NHL (as opposed to olympic) sized rink in college, so he made it work.

Plus, if he hit you, it hurt really, really bad.  He was unaware of the battle going on between him and my roommate Charlie Kronsch.  The battle was that Matt frequently gave Charlie stitches in the chin (wearing the full cage in college makes for a lot of chin stiches), and Charlie wanted to return the favour.  But every year for poor Chuck, here’s your new zips, courtesy Greener.  Final score, Greene, 17, Kronschnabel, 0.  Oh, and by the way Char, Greene is in the NHL now.  18-0.

(2) When the puck first drops to start the game (especially during camp, pre-season, and weekend games), its understood that the pace is freaking intense – like, max effort, until that first whistle.  “Set the tone” stuff, ya know?  It has to settle down from there.  It was nearly ten minutes before the Yotes game saw a whistle, and I got a big kick out of guys trying to keep the pace up on their second, and third shifts.

(3) Was Balsillie there?  No, seriously, was he?  I couldn’t help but think he had to be watching from somewhere, if he’s such a big fan of hockey that he wants to own the team…

(4) They asked the fans “Shane Doan Trivia”, which I found hilarious, because…. what are their options?  Coyote history trivia would just end in “Doan” anyway, so you might as well narrow it down a bit, right?  Nice move.

(5) I feel really bad for writing an article about the Coyotes sucking after having been to a game.  The article I wrote, sadly, was accurate – just seeing the fans that do support them and hearing the interviews with the guys made me feel a bit guilty.  Sorry, guys.

(6) The highlight of the night was a Shane Doan jumbotron commercial for a bank, where a fan is taking money from the ATM, and Shane misunderstands the meaning of “free checking” and hits the guy from behind.  He has a line at the end of the commercial, and that’s when it hit me.  Shane freaking Doan is Keanu Reeves.  Right?  I mean, isn’t he?  The hair… the tone… it was all just so obvious this whole time.  I cannot believe I missed this prior to now.

(7) The rink setting in Phoenix is amazing.  One of the best I’ve ever seen.  Not only is the rink nice, new and ideal for watching a game, but everywhere outside it is just so great.  Fountains with half-Bellagio water shows, a Jimmy Buffet margaritaville, restaurants and bars, Irish pubs and shopping, it’s just too perfect.  If they do manage to survive, I’d go just to linger outside under the misters and drink a few pints in front of the outdoor TV’s.  Heaven forbid this team starts winning, they might just get popular.

(8) They charge more for Pittsburgh and Detroit games.  Just thought I’d pass that along.

(9) They still charge $8.25 for a beer.  Isn’t that unbelievable that they can do that?  A draught beer costs a restaurant something like 37 cents.  Movie theater owners would hear that mark-up and call it preposterous.  I’d have boycotted if it wasn’t a Coyote’s pre-season game, which are the most drink-inducing words you can string together on this side of “bachelor party”.

(10) I’m still a big fan of the sleek RBK jerseys (though not the Coyotes colors/logo).  Nice evolution to the look of a hockey player.

(11) Just how dumb is wearing no visor nowadays?  I don’t even feel the need to make my case beyond that sentence.

(12) There are few things as satisfying as skating behind a d-man into a nicely chipped puck with a ton of speed already going.

(13) The t-shirt shoot: I think they shot 900 t-shirts to the 450 fans, (both ballpark figures).

(14) Bryzgalov just looks like an NHL goalie.  They have that structure and size you don’t see from the amateurs.  He also has the tendency to get beat five-hole like NHL goalies, a phenomenon that never ceases to boggle me.  For some reason, I think 40% of goals in the NHL are scored five-hole.  It’s absurd.

And that was game one, pre-season.  I’m looking forward to going to more games and having my “to write about” list grow.  I think I need to write about the momentum of skating, and what a bitch having to actually stop is.  Not that I chose to stop all that much, but still, I hated it when I had to.

The Land After Time

 

I stumbled onto a massive discovery.  In trying to run some early morning errands, I had to kill some time waiting for the bank to open.  I went to the mall, only to see a sign saying that the stores weren’t open there either.  Yet people were still walking into the place.  Old people.

If we could mine the precious deposit of old people that were in the mall before it opened we could start a nursing home.  They were everywhere.  Alone, in couples, men, women, with ipods and walkmen, jogging shoes and stretchy pants.  They were using the closed mall as a big track to walk laps around.

Hundreds of them.

I took a few steps in and got caught up in the current… it all made sense:  Air conditioning, nicely sanitized tile, a food court (with a cafe that opens early to cash in on these clunkers), and it occured to me:  this is exactly the same thing I used to do when I was 12, with my friends.  We’d go public skating, move around in a big circle, be social, listen to music, and grab a hot chocolate from the concession stand. 

The ciiircle of life…….. it’s a wheeeel of fortuuuuneeee…  What a discovery.

*****

Green Bay Packer Nation probably owned a collective 23 rafillion Favre jerseys.  I’m not proposing that the “Favre goes WWE villain and switches teams” moment wasn’t genuine, but how much money do you think they made selling new GB Pack jerseys to slighted fans who didn’t wan’t to wear a jersey with “Arnold” on the back anymore (read: Benedict)?

And how many Rodgers jerseys have they sold?  This guy could be the best QB in the league this year.  How well timed was his rise to prominence right when Favre basically tore down the un-built statues of himself in Green Bay?

*****

Does anybody else think that the mom and kid in the AT&T rollover minutes commercials have a priceless chemistry? (Can’t believe I’m about to run an AT&T commercial after they grinded me for $43.57 as a broke freshman in college, but it really does make me laugh)

 

‘

*****

But if there’s a set of commercials you have to watch, it’s ESPN’s “this is SportsCenter” commercials.  Spend some time on YouTube.  I still love this one:  “…that was a poor effort”

 

‘

Scott Van Pelt is priceless.

*****

I’ll link to my take on the Phoenix Coyotes situation later today or tomorrow…  I know you need your hockey news fix.

In the meantime, I have a light-hearted article up on www.hockeyprimetime.com -- my thoughts on the experience of sharing a cold tub with another dude after a hockey game.

Also, tomorrow:  The first of a series of video blogs on the upcoming NHL season.

Take Your Ball and Go Home, Jim

 

Still in my relative infancy as a writer, I’ve been encountering a frequent problem:

How can I write honestly and accurately about NHL news, when the players in question are not only playing like dogs and making poor decisions, but personal friends?

How can I sit down and write something about Dany Heatley conducting himself in a less-than-professional manner this summer, something that could show up in USA Today, when I know and like him?  What if he reads it?

Will I ever get another genuine comment?  Am I a leper next summer in Kelowna?  I don’t want to start alienating people.

The solution, thus far, has been to not touch those topics, but it’s getting increasingly hard to do that as writing has morphed into an actual job.

I’m still feeling out the boundries, but I’ve started getting more confident in my ability to give opinions without coming off too snide.

The good news? 

I’ve never met, let alone seen, Jim Balsillie.  And you know what I think he should do?  Take his ball and go home.  That link will take you to Hockey Primetime.com, where I explain his current situation a little better.

The Coyotes, Guerin, And The Mets

 

I’m not sure why the sports networks are so insistent on using Redfield T. Baum’s full name, Redfield T.Baum, but it appears the guy made exactly the decision I needed down in Phoenix, shooting down vacant-eyed DingleBerry inventor Jim Balsillie.

As I mentioned earlier, I met with the head of the ‘Yotes marketing department, Mike Bucek, and still hold some hopes of being a part of their staff.  There’s probably easier jobs than marketing the Coyotes right now, like being a deep-sea diver without oxygen, but I’m excited about the potential challenge.

“Your 2009-2010 Phoenix Coyotes: Now offering small 401(k) contributions to season ticket holders!”

*****

Anybody happen to catch Guerin’s interview at the Penguins Stanley Cup parade?

He represented everything the playoffs does to a guy.  Pale, haggard, and hung-the-f**k-over.  He sounded like he started hacking darts the second the final buzzer went, and finished the pack right before his morning baileys and coffee.  Man, champagne hangovers must suck when you’re trying to keep up with 20 year olds.

*****

And lastly, for today, I’d like to thank the Mets for reinforcing what they’ve already made clear: being a fan is a struggle.  Not the way being an Islanders fan is.  Being an Isles fan, you know there is zero Cup hopes by November, and you start finding little positives and hopes for the future.

The Mets tease you, string you along with moments of greatness, and just when you let down your guard — wham!  Dropped ball by Castillo, loss to the Skankees, beatdown loss to the Skankees, I hope that hurt you stupid mook Mets fan.  It did.  Thanks for that.

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