The Trade Deadline Ends. Thankfully.

 

Not sure if you caught it yesterday, but David Booth squared up and fought Mike Richards last night, which was the greatest thing in the history of the NHL ever.  I think.  Oh, and he had a goal and three assists.  And he’s on my fantasy hockey team.  I love David Booth.

Think Team USA could have used one more goal scorer?  God it sucks that he didn’t get to play for his country… If I were Booth I’d have waited til Richards dropped his gloves, picked my stick back up and tried to crush his hands.  I’m just really proud of the guy for sticking up for himself against a tough character in Richards, that’s old time hockey.  Toe Blake n shit.

*****

Mercifully, that trade deadline is over. The paint has dried.

But in the end, I like the paint colour.  I’m so excited that the Coyotes got Wojtek Wolski.  Living here in Phoenix, who did you want to go see play, who sold tickets?  Jovonovski?

I finally have some real insentive to go.  I love that they were so aggressive, I was just completely blindsided by it (seeing that they’re spending the leagues money and all.  But this makes so much sense!  This is what I’ve been saying!  If they want to make it here, they can’t do it without having a team worth watching!).  I’m not so sure if I stand by my prediction of “sell” now that they have five new guys in the lineup working to make a first impression on Tippett.

So yes – I like the moves my “hometown” boys made, trading for the offense I thought they lacked, and that I thought was going to catch up with them.  Even picking up Petteri Nokelainen was a great move, this guy is just waiting to blow up.  The only thing I don’t really get, is trading for Morris and Schneider.

The Phoenix Coyotes are leading the NHL in goals scored by a d-corp.  They’ve been solid defensively, playing in front of a guy they trust.  So what’s the point in bringing in offensive d-men when you’re doing great in that area, when the two guys coming in are both a “little” suspect defensively?  Now your defensive-liability-list is starting to look a little scary (and old).  It’s a good thing Tippett is such a good coach.  ….Plus, anytime you can get Vandermeer out of steady rotation you’ve improved your team, so good for the Coyotes there.

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The NHL Network asked the question “who improved more, Washington or Pittsburgh?

Washington added: Joe Corvo, Scott Walker, Eric Belanger and Milan Jurcina.

Pittsburgh added: Alex Ponikarovsky and Jordan Leopold.

So many people loved Olympic hockey, because you didn’t have to sit through the shifts of tough-humans-who-can-skate-but-not-play-hockey like, oh I dunno, Scott Walker.  Admittedly, I don’t know much about Belanger (step up, Wild fans) or Corvo (step up, that-one-guy-from-Carolina-who-occasionally-defends-his-team-that-we-haven’t-really-heard-from-much-this-year), so I’m not really sure what happenend with Washington, I just know that any team adding Scott Walker is confused about how winning happens.

As for Pittsburgh, they made two golden, golden moves.  For me, last years Stanley Cup win was so incredible, because I thought they did it on the backs of about four or five guys, not a full team.  I figured it was going to be a lot harder for them to repeat than people thought.

With these moves, they picked up depth on D – Leopold is a hell of a player – as well as some size and scoring in PonikathankgodI’moutofToronto.

So early ruling, until we hear from readers – Pittsburgh gets the verdict over Washington…. likel usual.

 

Western Conference Playoff Spots

 

The battle for playoff spots in the West is always a little more intriguing when some unexpected teams blow up and have good seasons, and this is one of those years.  Phoenix, Nashville and LA are all better than I expected, and I think better than the rest of the West had hoped.

So without really any ado, here’s how I see the bubble teams finishing up:

4th, Vancouver Canucks, 52 games played, 66 points

The only reason the Canucks get a blurb in the “bubble teams” section at all is their upcoming road trip.  They set an NHL record by being gone for something like six weeks, and playing 14 straight road games (Olympic preparation in Vancouver).  They’re 22-7-1 at home, but below .500 at 10-11-1 on the road this year.  If they survive the trip at .500, they’ll be in great shape.

{Only Washington, Pittsburgh and San Jose have scored more goals than the Canucks this year, and only New Jersey, Buffalo and Chicago have given up less.  Not bad, VanCity.  Not bad.}

5th, Phoenix Coyotes, 52 games played, 63 points

The ‘Yotes have played the majority of their games to date at home in the friendly confines of Jobing.com Arena (29), where they’re a dominant 19-8-2.  On the road, the Coyotes are an even 10-10-3 (23 games), sort of how your record is supposed to look.  With a third of the season left to play, they’re in position to push for a quality playoff spot.

Have you noticed a trend in the teams that are “overachieving”?  The Coyotes, Sabres, and Avalanche all have similar team builds, to some extent.  They’re fast over big, mostly young over mostly old, they’ve got great goaltending and most importantly, their top six forwards are almost all interchangeable as ”first line” guys.  Instead of the NBA method – pay one player to be your star and build around him – they all seem to be deeper teams without “that guy” to watch out for (the top two scorers from the teams I just listed are Tim Connolly and Paul Stastny, both below a point a game at 48 points in 51 games).

The Coyotes are going to make playoffs this year, but to have any hope of moving beyond a quick round one exit, they need to finish in 5th or 6th – 7th or 8th (versus San Jose or Chicago) would be hopeless.

6th, Los Angeles Kings, 51 games played, 61 points

The Kings seem fragile, don’t they?  Points are always easier to come by before Christmas, just like wins.  When Anze Kopitar has Ryan Smyth to help him out, he’s useful, but his production has seriously slowed down.  He just doesn’t seem like a guy who can get it done when his opponents key on him, they way the real elite stars can.  That says to me he’s not ready to be “the guy” on a team that needs one.  They’re good enough to win even with him struggling, so they’ll hang on to playoffs, but you certainly get the impression they aren’t headed the right direction.

7th, Nashville Predators, 51 games played, 61 points

I almost included the Preds in the group of “overachieving teams with the same build” from the Coyotes paragraph, but in the end, I didn’t think their Dan Ellis or Pekka Rinne deserved to be in the same class as Bryzgalov, Miller and Anderson.  Nashville could be the best team to miss playoffs this year… and I see it happening.

8th, Detroit Red Wings, 51 games played, 58 points

The depressing part for the teams on the wrong side of the playoff cutoff line looking in right now is, you’re not trying to catch Detroit’s 58 points, you’re looking at Nashvilles 61.  Detroit has played with half a team all year.  They’re the best coached team in the league, with some of the best names in the entire NHL in their dressing room (even with all they lost from last year).  The Canucks and Avalanche can start stressing now about which one of them is going to get unfortunately stuck in a (4) vs. (5) battle with Detroit.

9th, Calgary Flames, 52 games played, 58 points

What the hell happened to the Flames?  I feel like I fell asleep for an hour and they dropped a half-dozen spots.  Hmm.  1-8-1 in their last ten, with six straight losses.  By all logic, the Flames should be okay:  great goaltender, maybe the best defensive trio in the league, and a couple of guys up front who can score.  For me, the major difference between their offensive firepower and the teams “overacheiving” this year, is that their goal scorers aren’t young and energetic.  They don’t have that legs churning, relentless effort type threat right now – they’re scary in the “HolyCrapDon’tLetHimShootFromThereAWww.  They scored.” type of way.

10th, Anaheim Ducks, 52 games played, 55 points

This is the difference between the Eastern and Western conference.  The 10th and 11th place teams in the West are still really good (so are the Isles, but um, I just…. crap).  The problem is, they can’t all make playoffs, and Anaheim didn’t get off to a great start.  I don’t think they’re good enough to have a huge second half and make up for it.

11th, Dallas Stars, 52 games played, 55 points

I was waiting for them to end up in this spot in the conference, and here they are.  Dallas is a good team, but when teams like Phoenix and LA are good too, it toughens up their usually soft division.

12th, Minnesota Wild, 52 games played, 54 points

I don’t know a lot about Minnesota this year, and that’s not a good sign.  I do know when you’ve pinned a chunk of your offensive hopes on Chuck Kobasew and Andrew Ebbett, you’re in a whole heap of trouble (both are good enough players, but very shutdownable.  Yep, I can make up words on my blog.)  I guess their go-to guy is Havlat, I’m just not sure what else they’ve got.  I’m sure my oddly heavy Wild readership can fill me in on them, but from what I can tell, they don’t have a hockey teams chance in Phoenix snowballs chance in an oven.

13th, St. Louis Blues, 52 games played, 54 points

I’m sticking to my guns on the Blues, especially with the addition of Davis Payne.  They’ve got good top six forwards, good goaltending, and hopefully enough D to get into contention during the last few weeks.  I still think they’ll make a push.

 

Scott Gordon and Halle Berry (…No Connection)

 

So, I’m sure I’m not alone in periodically liking (or disliking) something for reasons that are unbeknownst to even myself.  When the Islanders hired Scott Gordon, a guy I’d never heard of, I liked it, but wasn’t sure why.  Let me try to explain it to myself:

Some owners hire coaches to give their fans the impression they hired a good coach.  You know, a guy with a name, something that won’t cause a huge negative ruckus.  This means you end up recycling coaches based on fame, not success, and before you know it, Mike Keenan is running your franchise.

I’d love to see more coaches with lower level success work their way up the ladder.  Mike Babcock didn’t get the Red Wings job based on his days as a player, he got it cause he won with every damn team he coached.  I think the game today is well-suited for a young coach who understands the more free-wheeling NHL (hint: defense-first is still your focus), and I wouldn’t be surprised to see the hiring trend in this direction continue (again, St. Louis hiring Davis Payne was exceptional – he’s doesn’t have Babcock’s NHL success yet, but I believe he’s got the same ability).

So good for teams that hire Davis Paynes and Scott Gordons – if Tampa Bay would do the same, they’d find out real fast what sort of team they’re actually dealing with.

Islanders are in a playoff spot in the middle of January, Rick DiPietro just got a shutout, and a 19 year old is leading the team in scoring.  And the Red Wings are currently in 9th in the West.  AND THE COYOTES ARE TIED FOR HOME ICE ADVANTAGE AT FOURTH.  I’m dizzy.  I need to sit down.

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I doubt many of you watch much ECHL hockey.  So far this year, I’ve watched zero minutes and no seconds, so I know where you’re coming from.

Well, the Victoria Salmon Kings (real name) scored a goal so ridiculous it ran on ESPN SportCenter yesterday.  Yeah, it’s that good.

The goal made me think two things – one, that at that level, there are a few kids that are going to be legit NHL studs mixed in with a few who’re going to be legit rec league duds (though not many, you’d be surprised at the quality).  What that means is, occasionally, someone gets burned so bad they should be forced to take their gear off and quit.  If that were the case, the Islanders Andrew Macdonald would’ve put entire teams into retirement during his months in Utah.

Secondly, it made me shudder at the sound of their goal song.  I was twice on teams that eliminated Victoria from playoffs, but when you’re on the wrong end of a game there, and that crowd gets fired up, it’s real easy to post a plus/minus that looks like Tiger got hot at The Masters. 

Oh, minus five, good hustle Bourne.

*****

Really, Dwayne Johnson… “The Tooth Fairy”?  I guess we can finally start calling him “The Rock Bottom”.

*****

I watched the Golden (Halle Berry’s) Globes on Sunday night, and thought it might be worth mentioning that I, like pretty much everyone else, love me some Ricky Gervais.  That guy is money.  Also, Halle Berry continues to defy human aging laws.  ———->

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Puck Daddy wrote an interesting bit on Mike Richards battle with the media.  The guy is the perfect captain for that team o’ douches. 

Here’s what sucks about how fun it is hating them: if they can get some GD goaltending (I feel like I’ve written that before), wouldn’t you not want your highly rated team to play them in the first round of playoffs?  If I’m Buffalo or New Jersey, I’m praying the Isles or Panthers sneak in.  I’d be interested to see the betting lines on them come playoffs, they might make for a sneaky round one money-maker.

*****

That’s all for today!  Sorry no Monday post – I was super busy watching FIVE STRAIGHT HOURS of Dexter with Bri. 

Behind Brodeur

 

I watched the Coyotes/Devils game last night from all of ten feet behind Martin Brodeur’s back (and Bryzgalov’s in the second), standing in the zamboni doors with Stan (The Man, The Maven) Fischler.  I love that man, and watching from there, with him, was amazing.  Huge thank you to the great people at MSG+ for including me in the production of last nights broadcast.

Even when I attend Coyotes games as a member of the media, I can’t handle sitting in the press box.  Honestly, I can’t fathom how anyone can give insightful game reviews from up there.  Not a dig to those that choose to, and are able to, I just can’t get a feel for the game if I’m not closer to the speed of it.

Sitting where I was, I could see Yandle make a look-off with his eyes before firing the puck at Lombardi’s stick.  I could see Mueller’s eyes down before he (luckily) beat Brodeur five-hole (who goes five-hole on a padstack?).  You can get a legitimate idea for who’s doing what out there, instead of watching for strictly x’s and o’s like you have to do from eagle perspective.  Maybe it just doesn’t work for my type of writing.

The point is, sitting back there was one of my favourite hockey-watching experiences ever. 

I was shocked to note two things I should’ve long-ago noted: Marty’s simple helmet design is really sharp, and for some reason, it’s never registered with me that Brodeur wears #30.  I bet if you’d asked me yesterday pre-game, I couldn’t have answered that correctly.  Embarrassing.

Watching his huge two-pad jammer on Upshall from mere feet away was surreal.

*****

I still get super nervous before doing stuff like this, so cut me some slack:

 *****

So, no girls-in-skirts cleaning the ice, huh Phoenix?  It seems to me like this is the exact market they’d have that going on, so I asked the guy running the crew there what the deal was (ice crew also stands in zam gates – paid $8.50 an hour to have the best seats in the arena).

Here’s the end of a conversation I had with an unnamed staff member, explaining why the girls-in-skirts got outed for dudes-in-tracksuits:

 ”Girls are too unreliable.  They would call an hour before the game and bail out.”

“…Girls are too unreliable?”

“Well, the type that want to be displayed in skirts in an igloo are.”

“Ahhh, yep.”

*****

John Tortorella has the exact personality you want your head coach to have, but I’m starting to think he might be a “work ethic” coach over a “systems” guy.  In translation, he’d be a great junior coach, but maybe not so much of an NHL one.

*****

I had an awkward, hallway walk-by with Brodeur after the game.  Just him and I, going in opposite directions in a smallish hallway where you should probably at least acknowledge the other person.  I had roughly seven seconds to think of something clever to say to him once I saw him coming down the hall.

I nodded.

*****

I tried to explain the player-ref on-ice relationship in an article for The Hockey News - It’s a tad long, but I think it includes the funniest thing I’ve done as a writer…. I convinced them to link the words “stubborn ECHL refs” to something awesome.  Enjoy.

Couple Blurbs ‘N Links

I know it’s been a long time -  I shouldn’t have left you… without a dope beat to step to, but I was having some holiday hullabaloo with the fam.  Had my brother in town which was cool.  We rocked a lil Buck Hunter, a Coyotes game, hit the zoo, the whole deal.  I’m back on the Bourne’s Blog horse today.

 

*****

The Coyotes game we went to was great.  Major thanks to Doug Moss for taking care of my family.  And congratulations to Shane Doan on his 1000th career game… that’s crazy man.  My Dad played 14 years and got to 962, and my father-in-law-to-be played 14 years and hit 958 (though it might be worth noting that they combined for over 300 playoff games too, compared to Shane’s 32, but still, wow…. his achievement makes me feel old, I feel like I remember his whole career.)

Far and away, the highlight of the game was the blanket giveaway – we had three girls at the game, and nothing ruins everyones mood like cold girls.  So that was sweet.

*mumbling* AlsotheCoyoteslookreallygoodthisyear,Ireallyamimpressed… it turns out I WAS WRONG.

*****

We have a gay superstar.  Only, not on this continent.  One of Rugby’s biggest stars, Gareth Thomas, has come out.

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You must be pining for a new column from me, it’s been ages.  It’s tough to focus on hockey around the holiday season.  Let me tell ya aboot the players take on how that goes.  (If you like the article, feel free to comment or click “recommend” – I’d love to contribute more to their newpaper than a column every two weeks.)

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Name-dropping:  I sent Goligoski a text complaining about his fantasy hockey performance of late (he’s been hurt a few times), and he told me to trade his stock while it’s still worth something, cause he sucks. 

What other sport do players so consistently turn to self-deprication?  I have to believe it’s because we play such a humbling sport.  Just when you think you’ve got it figured, some guy puts it through your wickets, you toe pick and chip a tooth.  Or this whole “nobody’s bigger than the game thing” is really working out well, one of the two.

*****

Oh, and then there’s this -  the puppy dog re-creation of the Snooki punch from that high-quality TV drama “Jersey Shore”.  Pure, unadulterated win.

 *****

 More to come later – I gotta catch up on the work that earns me money!  Thanks for readin!

Clark Gillies is the Chardonnay of Men, Apparently

 

I can’t help but laugh at this:

The NHL Alumni Association is selling wine.  It appears they’ve partnered with “Ironstone Winery”, put the names of a few random NHLers on the bottles, and are giving an unspecified “percentage” of the sales to the charities of the players on the bottles.  But that’s not the funny part.

Clark Gillies….. is on the bottle of Chardonnay? 

How did they chose to assign guys to types of wine, comedic value?  I love that their description of Clark as ”a ferocious competitor whose rugged play led his teams to win championships” is one of the first lines under “Clark Gillies: Chardonnay”.   …Ooo, you beast, you.

On a somewhat related note, his charity – the Clark Gillies Foundation – does raise sizable chunks of money (recently gave a million dollars to a local hospital) and can always use your help.  Forget “percentages” – check out the video about his charity here if you haven’t seen it yet, and feel free to donate… the money will go straight to helping children on Long Island.  Also, I’ll give you a dollar if you don’t cry after watching it.

*****

 Marty Brodeur is the NHL’s all-time shutout leader, taking over the lead from Rollie Melanson.  Or some other old goalie.  On a somewhat serious note, the most impressive part about Marty’s career has to be his durability, right?  70-75 games a year at that high level? 

So, whaddya think?  Best in the history of the NHL?  (By the way, can we really try to compare Brodeur to guys like Johnny Bower?  What a wasted conversation that is.  Let’s keep it apples to apples, not apples to no-mask-stand-up-goalies-taking-shots-from-guys-using-tree-trunk-sticks-on-roller-skates-in-a-completely-different-game.)

*****

For the first time since Richards decapitated Booth, the Flyers played the Panthers.  And thank god, the Panthers beat the stuffing out of the Flyers – four goals and four fights is a decent response to Richards knocking four months of Booth’s lifespan.

*****

The Blues hung seven goals on the Oilers, exacerbating the misery that is being an Oilers fan in a year where the Flames don’t suck too.

*****

The Coyotes won their seventh straight home game.  A certain blogger is starting to think they’re good.  How could he not?  Have you seen their roster??

*****

 Congrats to Nate Thompson for scoring his first of the ye- … wait.  So that empty net miss would have been his first of the year?  *head in hands* …ho-ly shit.

*****

That’s all I got for now folks – my brother is here, and since its the 22nd, we need to start Christmas shopping, dude-style.  ….At Lowes.  (Ratchet sets for everyone!)

Dustin Brown, The Flyers, The Preds

 

Did you see the Kings/Flames highlight package from last night?  Mark Giordano pwned Dustin Brown so many times I thought they accidentally clipped one highlight and ran it on loop.

Brown’s a fantastic player, but by the third time he was in the neutral zone trying to hustle around a forward wide with the puck all I could think was ”…dude, even a puppy learns from a few newspapers to the snout…”

*****

Not sure if you saw the Deadspin article about the Flyers yesterday, but it was stirring the pot about rumours than Jeff Carter is, um, affiliated with Scott Hartnell’s wife.  TMZ stuff aside, I actually learned a few things about the Flyers in it, and I was wondering what was true.

Do Pronger and Richards actually not get along?  Does the team party too much?  Do they simply hate each other?  I gotta call some people.

I will say this about the Flyers (especially in the wake of Neil’s Flyer-hating comments on the “sports hate” blog) -- it feels right that they’ve resumed their role in the league as the WWE-like heel.  Just bad guys being bad guys, villains that every team wants to destroy.  After going through their roster, I can tolerate four players.  I like Gagne and van Riemsdyk, while admiring the skill of Briere and Carle.  That is all.

*****

The Predators of Nashville have accumlated a record of 235-6, or something.  (21-11). Say wha now?  I’ve been doing Power Rankings every two weeks and was utterly oblivious that they were doing so well.  And you know who else is still rocking the party that rocks the party?  The Phoenix Coyotes.  Tell your friends.  Go buy tickets.  Do something.  The West is chaos!  The East is chaos!  THE NHL IS CHAOS THIS YEAR!

*****

Our rec league team has accpeted the challenge to play a local midget team (not little people.  High school juniors/seniors.  I wish it was little people.)  Full contact.  I’ll post pictures of the black eye I have from fighting some kid who had the audacity to hit me.  Or of my collapsed lung, from having to actually hustle.  Whichever happens first, I’ll take a picture of it.

*****

 

 

Dear Flo, from Progressive commercials:  I loved you, we had our fling, but it’s over.  Stop making commercials now, please.

***** 

‘

(The clipped line is: “But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive?”  …all jokes people, just jokes.)

*****

Big ups to Islander not great Nate Thompson, for reaching number one on ESPN’s Not Top Ten.  Here’s bad footage that doesn’t do his empty net shot proper (in?)justice:

‘

“…and SOMEHOW Thompson missed!” — Gotta admire that hustle though.

*****

Have a great weekened everyone!  Thanks for reading!

Teams, Trophies and Tenders

 

Let me plug you into my ever-so-nimble Tuesday brain.

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1) I went to the Coyotes game last night, versus the Wild.  I Clockwork Oranged my eyeballs open as best as possible, but really, a 2-0 Monday night game against a piss-poor Wild team was a battle to endure.  Buuut, the Coyotes continue to look really sound defensively (Bryzgalov is ridiculous), so I’ll give my hard-done-by Coyote readership this – your boys will be looking at a tight “every point matters” six through 10 seed battle heading into the playoff push. 

****

2) It’s time to change the Hart Trophy from “Most Valuable Player” to “Best Year”.   Voting for “Most Valuable” misses the point, and clouds what most of us really want to judge.

Most people are just debating who had the best season anyway – but there’s always a few people following the technicalities of the award title, which leaves people arguing about different things… which sucks crappy suckballs.  It ends up being a circular argument “yes, but without the waterboy, the guys would die of thirst, thus his value is…”  shut up.  I wonder if the NHL admits that the guy who had the best season won’t always win the award?

Also, it punishes players on good teams.  Maybe Joe Thornton scores 120 points this year, but the Sharks would still be a good squad without him, because they’re so deep.  Same with Chicago – are all their players ineligible?  Without Tavares, the Isles are probably teasing the basement again.  Maybe Matt Moulson doesn’t get a few big goals early that develop huge confidence.  Maybe John Tavares has the most value to his team.  But nobody’s giving him the Hart, are they?

Let’s just call it the “Best Year” award, and judge the best few offensive players against the best defensive and goaltenders, and give it to that guy.  Congrats.  You had the best year. 

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3) There seems to be an inordinate amount of goaltender parity in the league these days.  You gotta believe, with only 60 NHL  jobs available, NHL scouts don’t have to try too hard to find quality goaltending.  Seems like every team has at least a “pretty good” goalie.  I mean, really, teams could just rummage through another teams trash to dig up a viable tender at this point.

This is why having one of the few real top-end elite guys, like Ryan Miller, makes such a huge difference.  What’s the Sabres record this year with Chris Osgood in net? (Sorry to pick on Chris, he’s a great guy, and had a great career.  But c’mon.  He’s in the home stretch now.) 

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4) There’s a captainly duty that’s both hilarious and stressful.  I talked to a guy playing pro somewhere yesterday, and he had to go to deal with it.

Lets say the boys have a day off on Sunday, and played at home that Saturday night.  The guys are going out after the game.  You’re the captain, and thus, you’re expected to communicate well with coach.  You have three missed calls from coach on Sunday morning, you’re just waking up, and it’s 11 a.m.  You’re a bit foggy.  (Coach doesn’t call to “chat”, FYI.).  Someone is in trouble.

This is the captains job – you need to put out the fire (and make sure you’re not in it) before the truth gets back to coach, so it can be dealt with by the guys, and not made into a “lock the door” team-meeting crisis.  Clearly, something has happened.  Somebody did some dirt.  Did the bar kick a bunch of teammates out?  Is it something serious, like someone got a DUI?  Or is it something funny, like guys broke into the arena and “wrote their names” in the crease? 

The hidden captain’s job: Damage control (especially in college).

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5) Some like, 19 year old dude at NYPD Pizza here in Phoenix, brought my fiance (27) her slice, put it down, and proceeded to give her a real fatherly ”there ya go sweetheart”… then walks away.

“Sweetheart” is reserved for a) A Grandfather to his grand-daughter  b) Father to daughter  c) A couple in love  or D) Trying to get punched by people who find you condescending.  He deserved a D+.  What is this, the ’50’s?  Slap her on the ass and give her a wink at least, pops.  Jeesh.

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That’s all for Tuesday kiddo’s.  Closer to my birthday (and the huge donation you’ll be giving to the blog on it).  Closer to Christmas.  And most importantly, closer to my birthday.  …Did I mention that already?

And For His Next Act, Dorsett Slips On A Banana Peel

 

And now, your bi-daily violent hit review -- the hit-from-behind on Columbus player Derek Dorsett, courtesy James Neal.

‘

First, thanks to Bob Mckenzie for the review of “I think there’s a chance there could be a suspension here”.  Let’s continue discussing while we scour the ice for the rest of Dorsett’s frontal lobe.

Second, WEAR A FUCKING VISOR, Derek. 

Third, okay, the hit is horrible.  Dorsett is really really hurt.  We need to stop this stuff.  ….But that was funny, right?  I mean, wasn’t it exactly how a vaudeville actor would have played “getting knocked unconscious?”  Or like, in a pre-teeny-after-school-special type show?  Right over backwards, arms out wide?  Okay, okay, you’re right, it was brutal.    ….Ohscrewyou, that was funny.

*****

Pre-season this year, I predicted the St. Louis Blues to be a sneak-into-playoffs type team, then they got off to a real crap start.  Then, I predicted the Coyotes to get off to a real crap start, and they came out looking like a sneak-into-playoffs type team (or Stanley Cup winner, depending on who you ask).

Though I’ve backed off on the Coyote bashing, I’ll take this chance to re-affirm my stance that the Blues are good.  With their goaltending, and depth at forwards, their ship has to turn around eventually.  And if not, I’ll start blaming totally arbitrary things like their schedule, or being stuck in a tough division with Nashville and Columbus.

I also predicted Chicago to win the Presidents trophy.  I’m not far off on that one, but I may have overlooked the fact that the Capitals division -- Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Carolina and Florida is the most nauseatingly poor grouping of teams since the WNBA (ahhh, felt good to get another shot in.  Been awhile).

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You can say what you like about last nights Toronto/Carolina game -- battle for the basement, two teams who can’t hold a lead, whatever… but for fans buying a ticket to a hockey game, that was epic.

Not many fans out there appreciate the nuances of a fine goaltending duel - but they all love what they saw out there last night.  Props to those who stayed to watch the last 30 seconds after the ‘Canes did their best to puke the game away in the last minute.  No, no… not props.  Big ups.  I’m switching to using “big ups” more.  Big ups to ‘Canes fans.

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Everyone who had the Devils leading their division (vs. Philly, Pitt, the Rangers and… my Isles) raise their hand.  Liars.  Put your hand down.

On the topic of the Devils, I put in a call to my buddy Stan Fischler yesterday -- “The Maven” as he’s affectionately known, deserves at least a whole post, and I will get to that.  For now, I want to do two things -- One, thank him for applying to get me NHL credentials (I’ll occassionally submit pieces on the Coyotes for his newsletter, in exchange), and two, plug his new book Who’s Better: Rangers, Devils, Islanders or the Flyers? (Hint: it’s not the Rangers)

It’s a full comparison of each team’s history, everything from goaltending to tough guys to best Cup-winning team.  Oh, and I wrote the story of Dad’s end-to-end rush against the Rangers for Stan.  So, you know… that was sorta cool.

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Have a great weekend folks.  Oh, and watch this.  I legitimately “lol’ed”:

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Homophobia in Hockey

 

I’m excited today.  My USA Today column on homosexuals in professional hockey is “out” this morning (did you gasp?  You gasped didn’t you.)  Major thank you’s to the people there for allowing me to run it, and for only editing out certain sentences, like, “I’ve said fag more times than a British smoker”, which was at one point my entire intro paragraph.  Please give it a read people, I think I make a fair point.

Secondly, Bourne’s Blog had it’s best reader comment ever, in regards to head injuries.  Verbatim, jbrown:

“We’ve covered NFL and NHL in this thread, but what about MLB? Baseball is responsible for some of the worst head injuries around. The other day I accidentally left the TV on Sportsnet and the World Series was on when I walked by. I vaguely recall being overcome with an intense malaise and dizzying level of apathy. When I came to, I was laying on the ground beside the coffee table with a small cut on my forehead.” 

I still can’t read that without laughing. 

I’m not sure what’s happening with me and baseball.  It makes no sense that I can love to play a sport so much, and have so much fun going to a game in person, yet can’t watch so much as a full inning of the World Series final on TV, even with two of the leagues most interesting teams playing.

I literally found it hard to flip back to the baseball game last night because the football game was so good, and the Coyotes were tied 3-3 in the third.  That’s how I knew I was really over baseball on TV.

HD TV has done well by so many sports, but I think baseball needs to go back to low-def.  Maybe seeing guys eating Spitz and not paying attention to their own game takes some of the fire out of it for me.  Imagine eating seeds on the bench in hockey?  You’d choke and die.  Hearing that Manny took a shower mid-game last series says a lot about baseball, unfortunately.

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Some quick hits:

The Coyotes were one win away from a blogged apology last night.  I saw they were up 3-1, and I wrote in my phone “admit you were wrong to Coyotes fans tomorrow”.  Then they puked on their shoes.  Now you’re going to have to wait a little longer for that apology.  …I hear a rattling… did a few screws get loosened around the bandwagon wheels?

Here’s the problem with this – I moved here intending to like the Coyotes, but I “knew” they were going to be bad.  So I wrote my opinion.  Now, they have a fast, hardworking, probably likable team (Shane Doan as the superstar made me type “likable” while cringing.  Nice guy, but as exciting as beige), but I want my prediction to come true, so I root against them.  At the very least, I offer the fans this:  I’ll stop rooting against them.  There.  That’s what you get.

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In hockey, did you know team bus drivers honk the horn twice when pulling away from an arena after a road win?  Wasn’t sure if fans knew that or not.  Every level, every team.

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In reference to a Paul Shirley tweet, isn’t it amazing that any Catholic school anywhere still makes teenage girls wear Tartan skirts as a uniform?  Are they that socially oblivious to what those have come to represent?

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Is switch-hitting the most impressive thing in sports?  It has my vote.  I can’t imagine the spinal damage I’d incur trying to hit a slider left-handed.

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I tweeted this in the past (God we need a better word for microblogs), but in the cap era of team building, is prolonged suckage the best path to success?  Isles are 4-0-2 in their last six, the Pens have been in two finals in two years, and the Blackhawks might win the Presidents trophy.  And those three teams sucked, sucked and sucked the first half of this decade.

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I had someone make the case to me about James Van Riemsdyk in Philly being a potential Calder Trophy winner.  I’m sold.  Seven points in his last six, and looking like he’s just getting more comfortable.

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That’s all for today.  Again, check out my USA Today piece, and let me know what you’re thoughts on the issue are.  Preferably on their site, not this one.  Thanks!

Aimed At You, Phoenix Fans

 

Let’s be clear on something Phoenix fans – I don’t dislike the Coyotes.  I keep saying they aren’t going to do well because I don’t think they’re going to do well.  I don’t like Carolina.  I think your team is bad.  There’s a difference.

I did my Power Rankings for USA Today… today… and I feel good about them.  I’ll link to the rest of my rankings tomorrow, but for today, I’ll just run my top ten teams:

1. Pittsburgh
2. Colorado
3. Washington
4. New York Rangers
5. Buffalo
6. Calgary
7. Los Angeles
8. Chicago
9. New Jersey
10. Phoenix

Worth noting

* Philly dropped from second to out of my top ten this week.  5-3-1 in 9 games with a roster as impressive as theirs just continues to defy logic.  Why aren’t they better?

* Phoenix crept into my top ten.  I’m never quite sure if a power ranking is supposed to be “top ten seasons so far” or “top ten teams who’ll win the cup” or something totally different.  I tend to think its a reflection of the season to date, with a minor bias towards those teams with more promise.  And up til now, the Coyotes have had the tenth best season in the NHL (and of course, that’s judging them as a real team with no “…for the Coyotes” kicker.  I bet it feels good to shed that kicker with their good start).

* Both at 6-3 in nine games, I have New Jersey ahead of Phoenix because they’re 5-0-0 on the road. 1-3 at home sucks, but five road wins makes their season to date better.

* My top five has four Eastern Conference teams.  When you look at the records, it’s tough to argue – even though Buffalo has only played 8 times, it’s still impressive to only have one loss (6-1-1).

* How about some of the teams I thought would struggle in the West flying outta the gates?  Phoenix, LA, and Dallas all started surprisingly well.  Unfortunately, someone has to lose every time a game is played.  Watch for a trend towards reality in the coming weeks.

* I realize I have Washington high again.  They’re 6-2-2, and that “slight bias towards teams with promise” did it to me again.  If you were the GM of a team that was a goalie away from being a legit Cup threat, wouldn’t you be making calls around the league every day?  Twice a day?  TO EVERY TEAM?

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 For hockey fans in Phoenix (and they do exist), coverage of your home boys isn’t great.  Actually, coverage of hockey period isn’t great.

I have good news.

Bourne’s Blog has a new sponsor.  In general, as I start adding more sponsors, I may have to lie to you.  “Oh, I really love using Glidden paint, and you should too”.  “When I score goals, I do it using Hammertime’s double-shafted lead sticks – it’s got a built-in cup holder!”.  But this one is no lie - Cactus Jack’s bar is awesome.

With more than 15 flat screens, the NHL package, TSN and CBC… if you wanna see a game covered at all, or better than Versus does it, it’s at 4747 Elliot Road by the Safeway in Ahwatukee.  Good food and cheap drinks.  And I mean cheap.  And though it’s not my cup of tea, they have three pool tables, Golden Tee, all the good bar staples.

So, here’s what I’m thinkin Phoenix fans.

You hate me.  That’s fine.  But lots of you hit my site everyday, I have that sort of technology that exposes you, believe it or not.

This Saturday, let’s go watch Hockey Night in Canada.  Let’s talk hockey.  Let’s hash this out.  I’m just trying to get a feel for this idea, so you can comment on here or write me an email, whatever.  My new sponsor wins, and I get to actually get to know you.  Thankfully, while drinking. 

How many of you would want to watch some hockey on a million-inch (give or take) with real commentators with me?  We’ll even put the Phoenix game on an adjacent TV, and I won’t make any smart-ass remarks (everyone who already knows me in person just spit water on their monitors).  You in?

Islanders and Coyotes Thoughts

 

Dad’s observation on hockey coverage, from yesterday: “It’s interesting that between all the hockey analysts on TSN, ESPN, NHL Network, Sportsnet and Headline Sports, not one of them has ever really won – let alone a Cup.”  I’m not sure if he’s right about that or not, but I certainly can’t think of one.  Kevin Weeks?  Ray Ferraro?  Mike Milbury?  Maybe Bob McKenzie has one? 

By the way, I still can’t mention Pierre McGuire’s name without having the other half of the conversation get spitting mad. As my buddy Neil mentioned on here, he’s “polarizing”… only thing is, I’m yet to hear anyone be on any pole other than “that guy’s an idiot”.  “You see what Evander Kane’s thinking HERE?  He’s thinking ‘I’ve got big Ron Hainsey backing me up, two forwards caught deep, a defenseman that struggles doing an eagle-pivot to the left, and I’m coming down on a goalie with damaged confidence from last weeks shellacking when he got pulled in the second period, so I’m gonna drive it wide and fire it off the back wall so it comes out to my lightning fast linemate streaking on the other side, who’s gonna BURY it.’  How good is this kid, Gord?  Only 18 years old.  EIGHTEEN!”.

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Couple slew-foots in the NHL lately.  I hate the f***ing play.  How cheap is that?  It’s the one-man equivalent of having someone kneel behind a guy and pushing him, only twice as dangerous.  That play isn’t regarded with a whole lot of respect in the hockey community, as I’m sure you could’ve guessed.  Ovy’s wasn’t that bad (the “borderline slewy” can be tough to gage), but Arthuykykykykyku-e-i-e-i-o-kin’s was.

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My Isles, they’re a-strugglin’.

When I watched the highlights, and saw some of the namebars, I was a little less surprised at their struggles.  I had been so caught up in their positive names (ie. young guns Tavares/Okposo, supposedly better goaltending in Rolo/Biron, d-man Streit), that I forgot they were occasionally dressing guys like Thompson and Reichlicz. 

They have officially given my friends on the team enough “development”.  They need Comeau, Tambellini and Neilsen to be good now, not “up-and-comers”, or they’ve wasted their time on them.  Tim Jackman has been consistently good, but his “good” is different from those guys I just mentioned, that are supposed to provide some offense.  Tim isn’t.

It’s like some of the guys on that team have free passes to be NHLers, and they’re just happy to be there.  Not that Bailey won’t be a good NHLer by the time he’s old enough to legally consume alcohol, but would he have played on any other NHL team last year?  This year?  I keep waiting for somebody to grab an opportunity by the balls and run with it on that team.

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And last, after the Coyotes hot start, and me writing an article saying they’d suck, I hadn’t backed down.  Then they beat the Bruins.  Then they beat the Red Wings.  At some point (speaking of cutting losses) I’m going to have to say I was wrong.  But I’m just. not. ready yet.

The Coyotes will still miss the playoffs, but instead of 15th, they’re looking at 9th/10th.  TSN has them ranked somewhere in the NHL’s top three.  Hard to argue – they’ve handed Pittsburgh their only loss, and even their own losses were games they could have won.

So I’m sitting down to do USA Today’s power rankings…. and the boys cracked the top ten.  Right now, I’d be an idiot to claim otherwise.

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Last, you can now sign up for membership on HockeyPrimetime.com (www.hockeyprimetime.com).  In November, HPT will be unveiling it’s discount shopping portal to it’s members (certain percentages off at stores like Best Buy, Home Depot and more when you buy online).  They support me, so definitely support them.  The latest piece I wrote for them is on bad travel experiences, from the mouths of the players that live them.

Mommy, Wow, I’m A Big-Boy Now

 

Well, that was stressful.

Last night, I was the NHL.com correspondent covering the Coyotes home opener.

It turns out “being a hockey reporter” doesn’t actually mean ”getting paid to watch the game”.  There’s a ton of work involved.  I have a new respect for those guys, honestly.  In fact (as I’ve so often suspected from reading game articles), the toughest thing to find time to do is watch the game.  There’s such a need for immediacy, that the writing ends up looking like upscale bullet points.

The gentleman editing my pieces, Mr. Kreiser at the NHL, deserves at least half of what I earned (which is just short of enough to retire on, of course).  It was fun reading the articles today to find out what I wrote.  Turns out I knew a whole buncha stuff about the facts.  Good for me.

Had I not had an editor, or anyone screening my thoughts, they’d have looked something closer to this:

- Hmm, Phoenix/Columbus.  This should be sufficiently disappointing for the fans.

- Wow, this atmosphere rules

- Upshall, big hit.  Mueller looks great.  Columbus wants to murder Fiddler.  Jovonovski wants to murder the powerplay.

- Just score a damn goal for the fans already

- I’m hungry

- Just score a damn goal for the fans already

- Oh god, they’re going to get shutout

- How much does Jovocop make again?

And then I missed the rest of the third trying to write something coherent.  Check out my main contribution here, and keep your eyes peeled for the follow-up piece I submitted this morning.  Thanks to Bob Condor at NHL.com for giving me the opportunity.  I learned more in one working Saturday night than I did over the hundreds in college where I was shown the complex inner workings of beer bongs, keg stands and “quarters”.  So now I’m well-rounded.

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Also, check out the Five Reason I Love Hockey, on Puck Daddy’s hockey blog for Yahoo! sports.  I’ll have the internet up and running at the new apartment Tuesday, so I’ll have a new post then!

Pre-Season NHL Stuff

Thoughts from my first Phoenix Coyotes pre-season game:

(1)  Matt Greene, now of the LA Kings, played for the U of North Dakota when I was in college.  I always thought he was a bit of a liability for them (based on his big, lumbering nature), but UND was one of a few teams that had an NHL (as opposed to olympic) sized rink in college, so he made it work.

Plus, if he hit you, it hurt really, really bad.  He was unaware of the battle going on between him and my roommate Charlie Kronsch.  The battle was that Matt frequently gave Charlie stitches in the chin (wearing the full cage in college makes for a lot of chin stiches), and Charlie wanted to return the favour.  But every year for poor Chuck, here’s your new zips, courtesy Greener.  Final score, Greene, 17, Kronschnabel, 0.  Oh, and by the way Char, Greene is in the NHL now.  18-0.

(2) When the puck first drops to start the game (especially during camp, pre-season, and weekend games), its understood that the pace is freaking intense – like, max effort, until that first whistle.  “Set the tone” stuff, ya know?  It has to settle down from there.  It was nearly ten minutes before the Yotes game saw a whistle, and I got a big kick out of guys trying to keep the pace up on their second, and third shifts.

(3) Was Balsillie there?  No, seriously, was he?  I couldn’t help but think he had to be watching from somewhere, if he’s such a big fan of hockey that he wants to own the team…

(4) They asked the fans “Shane Doan Trivia”, which I found hilarious, because…. what are their options?  Coyote history trivia would just end in “Doan” anyway, so you might as well narrow it down a bit, right?  Nice move.

(5) I feel really bad for writing an article about the Coyotes sucking after having been to a game.  The article I wrote, sadly, was accurate – just seeing the fans that do support them and hearing the interviews with the guys made me feel a bit guilty.  Sorry, guys.

(6) The highlight of the night was a Shane Doan jumbotron commercial for a bank, where a fan is taking money from the ATM, and Shane misunderstands the meaning of “free checking” and hits the guy from behind.  He has a line at the end of the commercial, and that’s when it hit me.  Shane freaking Doan is Keanu Reeves.  Right?  I mean, isn’t he?  The hair… the tone… it was all just so obvious this whole time.  I cannot believe I missed this prior to now.

 

(7) The rink setting in Phoenix is amazing.  One of the best I’ve ever seen.  Not only is the rink nice, new and ideal for watching a game, but everywhere outside it is just so great.  Fountains with half-Bellagio water shows, a Jimmy Buffet margaritaville, restaurants and bars, Irish pubs and shopping, it’s just too perfect.  If they do manage to survive, I’d go just to linger outside under the misters and drink a few pints in front of the outdoor TV’s.  Heaven forbid this team starts winning, they might just get popular.

(8) They charge more for Pittsburgh and Detroit games.  Just thought I’d pass that along.

(9) They still charge $8.25 for a beer.  Isn’t that unbelievable that they can do that?  A draught beer costs a restaurant something like 37 cents.  Movie theater owners would hear that mark-up and call it preposterous.  I’d have boycotted if it wasn’t a Coyote’s pre-season game, which are the most drink-inducing words you can string together on this side of “bachelor party”.

(10) I’m still a big fan of the sleek RBK jerseys (though not the Coyotes colors/logo).  Nice evolution to the look of a hockey player.

(11) Just how dumb is wearing no visor nowadays?  I don’t even feel the need to make my case beyond that sentence.

(12) There are few things as satisfying as skating behind a d-man into a nicely chipped puck with a ton of speed already going.

(13) The t-shirt shoot: I think they shot 900 t-shirts to the 450 fans, (both ballpark figures).

(14) Bryzgalov just looks like an NHL goalie.  They have that structure and size you don’t see from the amateurs.  He also has the tendency to get beat five-hole like NHL goalies, a phenomenon that never ceases to boggle me.  For some reason, I think 40% of goals in the NHL are scored five-hole.  It’s absurd.

And that was game one, pre-season.  I’m looking forward to going to more games and having my “to write about” list grow.  I think I need to write about the momentum of skating, and what a bitch having to actually stop is.  Not that I chose to stop all that much, but still, I hated it when I had to.

The Land After Time

 

I stumbled onto a massive discovery.  In trying to run some early morning errands, I had to kill some time waiting for the bank to open.  I went to the mall, only to see a sign saying that the stores weren’t open there either.  Yet people were still walking into the place.  Old people.

If we could mine the precious deposit of old people that were in the mall before it opened we could start a nursing home.  They were everywhere.  Alone, in couples, men, women, with ipods and walkmen, jogging shoes and stretchy pants.  They were using the closed mall as a big track to walk laps around.

Hundreds of them.

I took a few steps in and got caught up in the current… it all made sense:  Air conditioning, nicely sanitized tile, a food court (with a cafe that opens early to cash in on these clunkers), and it occured to me:  this is exactly the same thing I used to do when I was 12, with my friends.  We’d go public skating, move around in a big circle, be social, listen to music, and grab a hot chocolate from the concession stand. 

The ciiircle of life…….. it’s a wheeeel of fortuuuuneeee…  What a discovery.

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Green Bay Packer Nation probably owned a collective 23 rafillion Favre jerseys.  I’m not proposing that the “Favre goes WWE villain and switches teams” moment wasn’t genuine, but how much money do you think they made selling new GB Pack jerseys to slighted fans who didn’t wan’t to wear a jersey with “Arnold” on the back anymore (read: Benedict)?

And how many Rodgers jerseys have they sold?  This guy could be the best QB in the league this year.  How well timed was his rise to prominence right when Favre basically tore down the un-built statues of himself in Green Bay?

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Does anybody else think that the mom and kid in the AT&T rollover minutes commercials have a priceless chemistry? (Can’t believe I’m about to run an AT&T commercial after they grinded me for $43.57 as a broke freshman in college, but it really does make me laugh)

 

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But if there’s a set of commercials you have to watch, it’s ESPN’s “this is SportsCenter” commercials.  Spend some time on YouTube.  I still love this one:  “…that was a poor effort”

 

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Scott Van Pelt is priceless.

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I’ll link to my take on the Phoenix Coyotes situation later today or tomorrow…  I know you need your hockey news fix.

In the meantime, I have a light-hearted article up on www.hockeyprimetime.com -- my thoughts on the experience of sharing a cold tub with another dude after a hockey game.

Also, tomorrow:  The first of a series of video blogs on the upcoming NHL season.

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