Reader Stories and Tips For Hillen

If you didn’t catch it, yesterday’s post on my buddy Neil owning me at basketball came with one of the best stories of all-time in the comment section.  I suggest you check out the comment by The Franchise here.

Along that same topic, I’d love more of the same.  I have my stories, and I generally tell them as they happen.  But every person on the planet has “that story” – the one they tell after a couple drinks, or in the utmost comfort of a situation.  The most crazy, “is that really true?” story of their life.  I’d love to hear them.  If you post yours in the comment section, I’ll post mine next week.  My non-hockey one is pretty decent too.  Step your game up.

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Quick thought: who the f**k thought it’d be a good idea to perforate parts of price stickers, so when you go to rip ‘em off, you can’t get a smooth, whole sticker peel?  It has to come off in those frustrating, divided, blood-boiling parts.  Everything in the last ten years has gotten quicker and easier, but stickers, for some reason, need to be twice as binding and in tiny little sections.  If this is the path humanity is heading down, the world is devolving into a fiery hell-hole of evil.

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I bet Iginla thinks Phaneuf is a joke, in every way possible.

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You hear about the Paul Shirley fiasco?  What a shame.  He’s always been good about corresponding with me, giving advice and all that stuff.  I ran an interview with him recently on this very blog.

Shirley writes a column on ESPN The Life about music.  Or rather, he did.

He also runs a website called Flip Collective - a daily compilation of essays from what he deems to be worthy contributors (friends, brother, etc.).  It was on Flip Collective, I believe Tuesday, that he ran his thoughts on the dire situation in Haiti.  To summarize, his point was “they kinda f***ed up by living in crappy conditions on the fault line of tectonic plates in the first place, lets not send them money” – or as a big picture analyst would call it “burning every bridge you’ve ever crossed by being a heartless dick”.

Sorry about the awful language in this post. 

I’m okay with him presenting the idea of “giving with a plan”, but most of it comes off as pretty insensitive.

Anyways – for a summation of the events, check out Deadspin.  They’re all over any drama they can get their condescending keyboards on, as per usual.

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Jack Hillen is out 6 to 8 weeks with a broken jaw.  A few quick tips for Jack, from a guy who knows:

*Campbells makes “Soup at Hand” – just over a minute in the microwave, and plenty of noodle-less flavours to drink.  You WILL develop an aversion to all smooth foods eventually, so enjoy ‘em now.

*Don’t try to blend solid foods into liquid.  I tried Hamburger Helper, chicken noodle soup, cheesecake (see page bottom), you name it.  It never turns out well, as many times as I lied to myself.

*To keep weight on, I made ridiculous blended shakes.  After the fruit, juice and yogurt base, I was adding protein powder, oatmeal, peanut butter, eggs, you name it… all at once.  If you can force it down, it’s for your own good.

*Carnation instant breakfast is a nice change from all the Boosts and Ensures you’ll be chugging.

*Enjoy the delicious liquid painkiller.  Chasing food with a shot of percaset makes it allll better, buddy.

*You have to stare at the TV forever, so you might as well learn some shit.  I watched documentaries galore (and lots of stand-up comedy, just to feel positive about something).  But the best thing you can do, is have a box-set to watch.  As this blog recently discussed, Lost, 24, Dexter, Entourage, whatever — just be sure to keep lots of entertainment nearby.

*Puzzles.  Board games.  Stuff you thought you’d never do again.

*Take a page from Louis CK, and hate random people for no reason.  Just sit there and actively hate them, even though they don’t deserve it.  “Positive thinking” is for hippies.  Your situation blows.

*Blog.  You should start writing a blog.  It can be a career option if the whole hockey thing doesn’t work out.  Okay, “career” is an overstatment.  But it’s cathartic!

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Okay, time to tidy the place for the in-laws.  They’ll be so glad to get out of NY this time year, to Arizona where it’s…… raining.  Damnit.

Sports to Writing Done Right – Paul Shirley

I’ll keep it short after yesterday’s marathon, promise.

After reading Paul Shirley’s book, I got in contact with him about the road from player to writer.  We’ve exchanged a couple emails here and there, so I thought I’d do a little email interview with him for the blog.  The following are a few excerpts from that:

(For those of you who don’t know, Paul spent some time on four NBA teams before playing all over Europe, hence the title of his book “Can I Keep My Jersey? – 11 teams, 5 countries and 4 years in my life as a basketball vagabond“.  He now writes for ESPN and runs Flip Collective.com)

One of those "too smart for sports" guys.

I’m not fully sure on your playing status.  It sounds like you kinda wanna play/kinda don’t?  Only if the right thing comes along?

 
That makes two of us who are unsure.  The summary is that I’m staying in shape and open to the possibility of joining a European team for some part of this season.  Sadly, no one has put me in charge of one of those teams, so I have no way of knowing when or where that might happen.  I do know that I’m not willing to play in outposts or border towns, making my farewell tour the “No More Outposts” Tour.  I don’t think it will look good on T-shirts.

Are you able to be a fan of basketball, what with knowing what you know about how it’s run, how certain guys play/act, etc?

 
I’m only a fan because it’s entertaining to see players and coaches I
knew on television.  Because I’ve seen behind the proverbial curtain,
and understand that the NBA – like most things in life – is wholly
about turning a profit, the childlike glee that others are able to
affect when they watch a basketball game is remarkably absent from my
face as I sit in my basement and watch the Warriors and Clippers
bastardize the game.

Six feet, nine inches of journalistic prowess.

You get one consequence-free face punch.  Who’s your recipient?

 
Bono.  I really, really liked U2 growing up.  Now I really, really
don’t like U2.

Want more Paul Shirley?  You can check out his weekly (mostly music) column for ESPN here or his newest non-sport based writing venture, Flip Collective.com

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On Friday, I did a little entry on Chad Brownlee.  We caught up yesterday, and apparently things are going even better than I originally thought.  His single cracked Canada’s Top 25 country chart, and he’s meeting with a few people about being a full-time singer/songwriter.

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He shoots! He --- wait. ...Nope, no he doesn't...

And last, the Islanders Josh Bailey has gone seven full games without recording a shot on net, as I tweeted yesterday (info provided by Isles beat bloggette, Katie Strang).  I’m sure you’re looking for some insight and analysis on what that’s like, what’s going on in his head, why the struggles… just something from a players angle.  Here’s what you get:

That’s just really, really effing awful.  I mean… the guy plays a regular shift.  I’m sure he’ll have some bright spots along the way, but man, as an offensive forward, if you aren’t even generating hope, you might just not be good enough.  Not saying he can’t get “there”, but I’m telling you, there’s no “yeah, but’s” that make that stat better.  It’s brutal.

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 Check out my article on playing sick for USA Today!

Homophobia in Hockey

I’m excited today.  My USA Today column on homosexuals in professional hockey is “out” this morning (did you gasp?  You gasped didn’t you.)  Major thank you’s to the people there for allowing me to run it, and for only editing out certain sentences, like, “I’ve said fag more times than a British smoker”, which was at one point my entire intro paragraph.  Please give it a read people, I think I make a fair point.

Secondly, Bourne’s Blog had it’s best reader comment ever, in regards to head injuries.  Verbatim, jbrown:

This is what watching game 73 of 162 on TV feels like.

“We’ve covered NFL and NHL in this thread, but what about MLB? Baseball is responsible for some of the worst head injuries around. The other day I accidentally left the TV on Sportsnet and the World Series was on when I walked by. I vaguely recall being overcome with an intense malaise and dizzying level of apathy. When I came to, I was laying on the ground beside the coffee table with a small cut on my forehead.” 

I still can’t read that without laughing. 

I’m not sure what’s happening with me and baseball.  It makes no sense that I can love to play a sport so much, and have so much fun going to a game in person, yet can’t watch so much as a full inning of the World Series final on TV, even with two of the leagues most interesting teams playing.

I literally found it hard to flip back to the baseball game last night because the football game was so good, and the Coyotes were tied 3-3 in the third.  That’s how I knew I was really over baseball on TV.

HD TV has done well by so many sports, but I think baseball needs to go back to low-def.  Maybe seeing guys eating Spitz and not paying attention to their own game takes some of the fire out of it for me.  Imagine eating seeds on the bench in hockey?  You’d choke and die.  Hearing that Manny took a shower mid-game last series says a lot about baseball, unfortunately.

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Some quick hits:

...thinking "boy-oh-boy do I like finishing my checks and playing defensively responsible hockey"

The Coyotes were one win away from a blogged apology last night.  I saw they were up 3-1, and I wrote in my phone “admit you were wrong to Coyotes fans tomorrow”.  Then they puked on their shoes.  Now you’re going to have to wait a little longer for that apology.  …I hear a rattling… did a few screws get loosened around the bandwagon wheels?

Here’s the problem with this – I moved here intending to like the Coyotes, but I “knew” they were going to be bad.  So I wrote my opinion.  Now, they have a fast, hardworking, probably likable team (Shane Doan as the superstar made me type “likable” while cringing.  Nice guy, but as exciting as beige), but I want my prediction to come true, so I root against them.  At the very least, I offer the fans this:  I’ll stop rooting against them.  There.  That’s what you get.

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In hockey, did you know team bus drivers honk the horn twice when pulling away from an arena after a road win?  Wasn’t sure if fans knew that or not.  Every level, every team.

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Blog would have been up earlier, but I google imaged "tartan skirt". My bad.

In reference to a Paul Shirley tweet, isn’t it amazing that any Catholic school anywhere still makes teenage girls wear Tartan skirts as a uniform?  Are they that socially oblivious to what those have come to represent?

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Is switch-hitting the most impressive thing in sports?  It has my vote.  I can’t imagine the spinal damage I’d incur trying to hit a slider left-handed.

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I tweeted this in the past (God we need a better word for microblogs), but in the cap era of team building, is prolonged suckage the best path to success?  Isles are 4-0-2 in their last six, the Pens have been in two finals in two years, and the Blackhawks might win the Presidents trophy.  And those three teams sucked, sucked and sucked the first half of this decade.

Weird, the case was made by a UNH alum.

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I had someone make the case to me about James Van Riemsdyk in Philly being a potential Calder Trophy winner.  I’m sold.  Seven points in his last six, and looking like he’s just getting more comfortable.

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That’s all for today.  Again, check out my USA Today piece, and let me know what you’re thoughts on the issue are.  Preferably on their site, not this one.  Thanks!