Avatar, Figure Skating, Lockouts, Milbury, Tiger

 

I finally got around to seeing Avatar last night, on a Bri-sponsored date.

We did it the right way – IMAX, 3D, a sack of popcorn bigger than the screen, all that good stuff.  And I’ve gotta say….  WOW.  Just wow.  That movie was unbelievable.  I was 90% certain I would leave going “meh”, but I gave it a fair shot, and man, I thought it was just great.  It’s like Planet Earth on acid, splashed with a pretty cool story.  Check it out before you have to watch it on your 18″ RCA at home.

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I don’t get why male figure skating has to be so flamboyant.  I really don’t.  It’s the same as “why doesn’t Norway have a good hockey team?”

Why all the glitter and jazz hands to distract from one of the most unbelievably difficult events in individual sport?  Triple spins on skates?  And you need SEQUINS to make it impressive?

I understand not wearing something loose, as that would detract from your ability to perform.  But I find all the pomp and flash detract from my attention on what they’re actually able to accomplish.  There’s too much substance buried under all that style. 

But, I guess every sport has a culture.  The American snowboarders are rocking the jeans and plaid look (because the Cobain/grunge/Seattle look needed to be revived…. okay, I actually like the their gear), so I guess the figure skaters can rock bedazzled unitards and sparkles, if that’s what the culture is.  What they do is still ultra-impressive (just look at this pages bottom image for proof).

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In all of ESPN’s holy-crap-there’s-nothing-to-coverness, they’ve been chucking around the possibility of NFL and NBA strikes.  Do you think all those fans would immediately forgive “us” for the hockey lockout if that happened?  Would they come running back?  They would right?  Please pay attention to us.  Please!  I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.

 

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 So Roenick and Milbury are the newest Pierre McGuire and Milbury.  As in, duo who argues because they’re both so opinionated they both have to be somewhat wrong.  I think the reason we’re seeing more Inflamatory Mike is that he’s starting to get comfortable on-air.  He probably started as a decent GM too *gag*, but now that he thinks he’s safe in his analyst job, he’s starting to say the stupid red flag things that make people go “…pardon?” (like that time when he started saying things like “Do you think we can turn Chara, Luongo, Jokinen and the future Spezza pick into some real Yashiny/Kvasha/Parrish-ish type guys?”).

My first taste of this was when Inflamatory Mike explained in a sentence or two to Clark Gillies that, since he had been with the Islanders for 13 years, and Clark played there for a mere 12, he was as much or more of an Islander.  This was spurred on by a bit of Grandpa’s cough syrup, it’s safe to say, but there were some mighty unhappy ex-Islanders in the room after that.  Since, y’know, Mike said it on the microphone while hosting an event to a bunch of them.

Let’s not launch a Milbury hate parade in the comments section.  We’ve covered he’s not the most popular guy, I just wanted to tell the “Mike’s a true Islander” story.

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Last for today: Tiger speaks tomorrow.  Holy crap.  This means a return to golf.  Before the Masters.  Holy crap.

I sure hope he apologizes to us for cheating on his wife.  Wait… why’s he holding a press conference again?

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Fact:  You can’t do this.

Kittens and Sucker Punches

 

(Quick thought on this blog title – is “Sucker-Punching Kittens” the best band name ever, or is it just me that thinks that?  Just me?  Crap.)

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Ahhh, another beautiful day in the sports world.

A badass MNF game, a good slate of hockey, and the confirmation that yes… this week Bri and I get our first pet, a Scottish Fold/American Shorthair cat.  And, like a pregnant couple noticing everyone else who’s pregnant, we’re noticing all things cats.  For example, this lolcat is, um, noteworthy.  For being awesome:

Here’s the little bastard we’re picking up Wednesday:

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A friend of mine is playing over in Norway, and sent me this hilarious clip of himself I had to share - it’s basically a three-second flipbook, but on the internet.  It came with the caption “These Norwegians think they can run their mouths and nothing will happen”.  Cue the sucker punch.  Yeah.  Those Norwegians, man…

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Sooo, I just learned this yesterday, which basically explains: 2010 Olympic hockey?  Not gonna be played on “Olympic” ice.  Seems kinda counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

They didn’t want to take out seating, which makes sense.  As most of you know, an NHL rink is 200 x 85.  An olympic sheet is more like 200 x 100 (actually, it’s 60 meters by 30, making it 200 x 98.5), giving the skaters more room, but making the game less physical.  Ah.  Ohhhh…. less physical.  Did I just stumble onto another major reason?  Smaller sheet, more physical game, better for the Canadians?  Ignore this segment.

GO CANADA!!!

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Recently I linked to the Shane Doan article where he explained that “if we win, fans will come”, because I like to pat myself on the back.  It was my “I sorta made that point too!” moment.

Well, here I go again. 

Not sure if you read my last column for USA Today – basically it explained, from my point of view, that the game is less safe because of things like the salary cap and instigator penalties.

And, here’s the link to the article I wrote for The Hockey News on head shots.  And so, for the Bourne-on-Bourne back-pat, here’s New York Rangers coach John Tortorella a few days back- explaining we need to do something about head shots and the instigator penalty.  Not like it’s breaking news, but hey, indulge me.

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Those of you who follow me on twitter already read these, but they’re too good not to share with the blog crew.  The best TextFromLastNight ever came a few days ago:  “I guess I finally out-drove Tiger Woods this morning…”

Followed by the tremendous tweet: “@nealbrennan Tiger Woods: half black/half Asian. Beef with wife – black. Can’t control car – Asian.

Ohhh, the joke deposit these comedians found to mine…

Don’t Tap Your Stick On The Ice. Ever.

 

Finally, FINALLY, I’m in a real, permanent home.  Or at least as close to permanent as possible without buying one.  My bags are (getting) unpacked, the intenet is fast, and watching a TV this big in a living room this small is like being at IMAX.  It’s amazing.  Oh, and as an aside, I got the NHL and NFL packages.  But that’s just as an aside.

A major side effect of playing sports for a living is travel.  As athletes, most people realize that the pro’s of the job so heavily outweigh the cons that it’s not even worth the breath to complain, but permanently living somewhere temporary does suck. 

After I moved out of the house in which I lived for nearly three years in college, I haven’t unpacked until today.  I lived in a small apartment with the Alaska Aces, then split my summer between Kelowna (BC) and New York with the family and GF, then New York for hockey, then Bridgeport, then Utah, then Bridgeport, then Utah, then Kelowna/New York, then Hershey, Reading, Boise, Kelowna/New York and most recently, my parents place in Arizona while Bri and I found this place.

I finally f**k**g unpacked.

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I’ll keep it mostly hockey today, because lets be honest, that’s probably why you check this site.

I saw something disturbing in a rec league game the other night, and it reminded me of something that I’d seen as a kid, and needs to be stopped before it can spread.

The guy on the other team triple tapped his stick on the ice to call for a pass… again, from the other team.  You know, the minor hockey move where the other team has the puck, and kids would just blindly pass it to anything they thought was a teammate - shadows, sounds, smells, whatever – so you could tap your stick and get a pass from just about anybody on the ice.

But this was a 30 year old adult male of the species.  You should have seen how hilarious it was, the guy hunched over his stick, doing those quick rabbit taps.  I blushed I was so embarrassed for him.  Yes, the move is that pathetic that I blushed.

In other sports, I’m a major fan of some things that people consider unethical, but I’d call gamesmanship.  If you can steal signs in baseball, why wouldn’t you?  They’re the ones who “need” to agree on a pitch, but don’t want to say it out loud – If you can figure out a “tell” in poker, you use it.  You’re trying to win.  So if you know what pitch is coming because their signs involve holding up ACTUAL SIGNS, sit on that fastball. 

Similarly, football is the perfect sample of the American rat race in general – anything to get ahead.  If that means renting a blimp and dangling into a stadium to get cellphone videos of the Jets 4-3 defense the day before you play them, then I say good on ya.

But the stick tap?  Grow up.

{Tangent brackets – don’t even call for passes from your own team with the stick tap.  Call for the damn puck like an adult so he/she can at least hear your voice.}

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Why can’t every sport institute football’s “challenge flag”?  It’s great that there’s some humanity involved in calling sporting matches.  That way refs can feel the momentum and energy, and adjust their calls accordingly.  But a missed call on a crucial play can unfairly penalize an undeserving team. 

It wouldn’t be used for calls like “hey, that was a foul” in basketball, but like “hey, that ball was actually fair” in baseball.  *flag*  or “hey, the puck hit their defenseman last before going over the glass, the draw should be inside.”  *flag* 

What’s so great about the challege flag, is that if you’re right, the game became more fair.  If you’re wrong, you lose your privileges, and we don’t have to put up with your petty grievences for the rest of the game, cause clearly, you’re frequently wrong.

Look how great its been for tennis.

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Despite the fact I had a tough first week in Fantasy Hockey (in my defense, the guy I played had not just a killer week, but also a shutout from CRAIG ANDERSON, and a short-handed assist… there’s two free “W’s”), I’ve agreed to be a weekly fantasy hockey “expert” on XM radio.  I’ll run my latest interview on my blog as soon as I get it.

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In other news, Glenn Beck narrowly edged out Gary Bettman for the person my readers would most like to punch.  I’ll be booking the flight to deliver that gift ASAP.

The Start of Everything Great

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Ahhh Monday, October 5th – the start of everything great.

Great:   This week kicks off the start of the 2009 – 2010 NHL season, and the excitment in North America is at it’s highest level in years.  08-09 saw the league make great strides towards regaining national interest, and this season got out of the gates even quicker than the one past.  It’s year five of the channel Versus’ NHL coverage, and though they do a slightly worse job of covering it than the Detroit Lions defense does of covering anything, it’s still a positive sign that this year’s opening day game had the highest ratings they’ve ever had by a run-away. 

Welcome back NHL season, and a welcome to Bourne’s fantasy hockey dominance – my guys have 12 points already, and my goalies have an average save percentage of like  .952!  …wait… what??  I’m losing with those stats?  Someone must have created a stupid league.

Also great: The NFL season just finished it’s fourth week, and we’re finally getting into the heart of the year.  My Jets are 3-1, which, despite a Mark Sanchez implosion last game, is the type of start any team would happily accept.  Good stuff from Gang Green.

Also great: The NBA season starts soon.  Not that I care all that much, but I like watching Lebron dunk on fools like the league is playing on Fischer-Price hoops.  I like the phrase ”posterize” (the act of dunking so hard on someone that they become the guy getting dunked-on in the poster on the wall of a kid’s room), and I like buzzer-beaters.  But really, it’s about Lebron (and the Cavs awesome team chemistry).  He’s like Tiger Woods – he makes an otherwise barely interesting sport mandatory to watch when he’s involved. 

Also great: My lady-friend and I are moving into our first place on Thursday.  Well, the first one we’re trading our own money to stay in, anyways.  As the Phoenix residents have explained, we’ve now entered the second six-month season, simply known here as “bragging”.  88, blue and clear here today.  How’s things Alaska?  Boston?  (Sorry, I had to).

Also great: 46″ Sharp Aquos, in the box, waiting to be opened.  Next topic.

Also great: Now that I got my Negative Nancy article out of my system (the firestorm-inducing piece in the Arizona Republic), I have a bunch of positive-ish columns coming out this week.  I’ll be linking to them here, because I’m not certain I’ll have time to blog later this week with the move and all.  The article’s title will become a link the second they become available around the ‘net.

Monday: HockeyPrimetime.com – The Last Two Cents For Fleury

Tuesday: USA Today – A New Season Begins

Wednesday: The Hockey News – Life After Hockey

Whenever Botta Wants: Islanders Point Blank – Trevor Smith

Two more quick things:

One: Give HockeyPrimetime a thorough check-out in the coming weeks.  They’re focused on providing quality original content, while amalagamating some of the best hockey stuff from around the ‘net.  They have radio shows in the works, and they built this site.  Hence, I’m a fan.

Two: If I may, I’d recommend reading the pieces for USA Today and The Hockey News.  The USA Today piece is a nice, light piece on how the start of the season feels, right before the marathon season begins.  If you like the piece, please, let them know, since they took the (massive) risk in hiring me.  The Hockey News piece is an article that stands in stark contrast to the USA Today one, but is strong in it’s own, different way.  It carries a lot of my own honest emotion about leaving the game, and was theraputic to write.

I hope you enjoy them all, and most of all, enjoy this hockey season.  Islanders, for the Cup! (enjoy the money I lost on that bet, Vegas…)

Things That Matter: Sports and Music

 

 

Music:  It’s so deflating that my passion for football is shared with a group of people who feel that an “Opening Kickoff” concert would be best played by the Black-Eyed Peas and Tim Mcgraw.  I stomached every second of every song just so nobody could invalidate my hatred with a “you have to really listen to it all” garden-variety response.  It’s awful.

Its a real testament to technology that the Black-Eyed Peas can be successful in the music world today.  F*** they’re painful.  And then Tim Mcgraw gets up and plays the exact same song I would write if I were trying to do a parody of everything that’s awful about country music – “Southern boys like beer and football and hats and rodeos…” (*may not have been exact lyrics).

Musically, I’ve got broad tastes – I’m all over the map.  And I’d never try to defend the rap music I listen to when I’m in a good mood.  With the baseball “up-to-bat” songs, I just like a little swagger in the step if you’re not trying to funny with it.  Maybe this one’s not quite up-to-bat worthy, but it definitely gets the “volume up” honor when it comes on in the car {random thought: the car is almost officially named.  Public release coming soon}. 

Bourne – alienating hockey fans through rap music, one reader at a time.

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Football:  Steelers tight-end Heath Miller has a farmer tan so ridiculous that the white-ness extends past his jersey length.  I love it.  Way to really emphasize your whiteness in the NFL.

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Football:  Troy Polamalu is freaking scary.  Could you imagine playing “jackpot” with him as a kid?  “500, dead or alive”… annnddd Troy gets 500 points.  Again.

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Hockey:  How much does watching old highlights of NHL games half-taint the stats of players in those days (sorry Dad… I’m just sayin…)?  The goaltending is sinful.

I was watching a game on the NHL network - some classic game, mind you - that ended in a triple overtime, on-the-ice five-hole shot, and not a single player tried to behead the goalie who let the shot in.  If an unscreened shot goes in on-the-ice five-hole nowadays, goalies (by law) have to let every fan in the first three rows punch their face.  And teammates get two punches.

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Baseball:  Why do I have to sit through intentional walks in baseball?  For that matter, why does anybody? 

If the team wants to put the guy on base, can we not accomplish that using our big-boy words?  Like, exchanging dialogue with the ump wouldn’t be okay? 

“We’re just going to throw four pitches very far away from the plate because we’d like this player to get to first base.  Permission to skip those steps?”

“Yes.  Take your base.”  Done.

Or even better… you can put the guy on base in one pitch by just hitting him with the ball.  Maybe you miss him with the first couple (evasive bastard), but you can save time by trying again on the next pitch.  If I pitched in the AL and didn’t have to bat, I’d have 0 intentional walks, and 53 intentional rib injuries (a new – but valued – stategory).

Are You Ready For Some Football??

 

Things I felt like bringing up today:

Google Analytics, as I’ve mentioned before, is amazing.  Without telling me the specific information on users, it tells me fun stuff like what cities people are checking my blog from (shout out to readers in Nykoping, Neuilly-sur-Marne, Ramat Gan, and Cagayan de Oro…seriously), what site referred them to me, and what internet connection speeds my readers were using that particular day. 

Where am I going with this? 

I have to know:  Who the hell are you, people connecting via dial-up internet??  It’s not even cheaper at this point.  I’d never checked that stat until yesterday, when four of my readers apparently connected via dial-up.  I just want to know so I can call every single one of you and knock you off your respective modems.

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NHL TV’s “portal” site is pretty neat.

This summer I met a couple of the guys who were working on the launch of this site, and it really did turn out great – fully functional, with plenty of hours to be wasted.  And the best part is, each team has an individual page (great news for all you rabid Hurricanes fans), and each video comes with the “share” URL, so I can chuck them into my blog when relevant.  Or when not.  I’ll wait for something good to go up before I waste your time.

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Today’s walk-up-to-bat music is probably “Run This Town Tonight” – Rihanna, Jay Z and Kanye, off Jay Z’s just-released album, Blueprint III (of course, I’d have the music guy start it after Rhinna’s part – possibly cutting right to Kanye’s verse {2:50}).  Parental Advisory – Explicity Lyrical Content:

 

PS – Kanye’s — “Whatchu think I rap for, to push a f****n Rav 4?” — is my favourite rap line in awhile. 

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 And the big news:

HEEELLLLLLOOOOOOOO FOOTBALL SEASON!  I feel so… American for being this excited.  But I can’t help it, I just am.  

The new look Jets with Sanchez under center?  Rodgers ready to throw a disgusting amount of touchdowns?  Brett goddamn Favre is a Viking?  They’re letting Michael Vick play again?  It’s all too much.

The NFL is the only sport that holds a candle to the NHL in the “highlight montage to music” category. 

Can’t we make this a channel?  Just non-stop videos of music paired with crazy-sick sports highlights?  Who wouldn’t watch this?  The Masters has ownership of first place overall on “montages-that-make-me-wanna-cry”, but the NFL and NHL share first place in “montages-that-make-me-want-to-punch-every-face-I-see-in-the-next-ten-minutes-cause-I’m-so-fired-up”.

So grab your case of beer, book your Sundays off, and get into it.  Jets at Houston this weekend, J-E-T-S Jets-Jets-Jets!

Brand New, Brand New, Brand New

 

Before I launch into stuff – how about me buying a new car?

 

Brand New – Rhymefest featuring Kanye West

As of a week ago, I was looking at these unforseen expenses: A crown for my front tooth ($1,100), two new (after market) tires w/ alignment ($700+), and registering my car in Arizona ($200+).  Turns out minor league hockey insurance isn’t as bad as the rumours make it out to be, cause they stepped up on the tooth, and the new car not only lowered my monthly payments, has lower interest,  and put me in an ’09, but it also took care of my tires and registration.  Sweet.

 

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So, I love that Bourne’s Blog readers are passionate about their beer.  At some point, we’ll have to steal a page from Botta’s blog and have a meet and greet (where we only drink good beer, right guys?).  And by meet and greet, I mean schedule it like a year in advance, in Vegas, at the Sportsbook in Caesars or something (maybe to watch the Islanders in the first round of playoffs this year?).  I’m just spitballin’ here.

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I made my debut visit to www.dontevenreply.com yesterday, and most definitely will be back.  Much like textsfromlastnight.com (parental advisory, once again), it’s basically a way to pass time by reading about people doing/saying hilariously inappropriate things.

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The Jets are talking about picking up Brandon Marshall from the Broncos, gotta love that.  My first Fantasy Football draft is on the 11th, and I’m at the peak of my football knowledge game right now (yet I keep insisting the Blackhawks will win the Presidents Trophy in the NHL, apparently damaging my credibility in that sport).  After a meeting with Jay Dieffenbach, the Pro Sports Editor of the Arizona Republic, it’s becoming increasingly clear that my sports writing future doesn’t have to hinge on the whims of Gary Bettman and the Coyotes.  Go Jets.

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Should we start looking into a Bourne’s Blog fantasy hockey league?  Admittedly, I know nothing about setting one up or how to run one, but I’m fairly certain that as a college educated human I could figure it out.  Just a feeler really.  You in?

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Bri signed the lease on our new apartment yesterday in the Chandler/Tempe area.  To put the awesomeness of our gated community in perspective, the pool has beach sand leading into the shallow end.  But here’s my question to salespeople: Do we really have to do the whole “oh, this special just came out today”, “oh, I just got approval from my manager…” thing to get a fair price?  After four days of that BS, we haggled 10 free weeks rent, a $300 credit and another discount on a year lease (taking our monthly payments down over $230 bucks a month in the process).  Take that, desperate Arizona real estate.

So – apartment, car, engagement ring…  Did I just get domesticated?  …Wait… married guys still get to go party and crush beers after hockey games right…?  … I just… um… wait… where am I…

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Random thought a million people have had:  Why isn’t there a centrist party in the US?  I have to believe the biggest population of the people aren’t strictly left or right; not many folks are that cut and dried.  Would it be so absurd to represent moderate views?

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My new article is up today for The Hockey News.  I’d definitely recommend this one, it’s a neat players-only insight that sheds some light on how we raise money for the end of the year party, aside from fines.  Hope you like it!  The Hockey News: Put in on the Boaaaard, Yes!

ConVick

 

As a blogger, it’s mandatory that I comment on Michael Vick (it’s in the fine print).  Most of what I’ve read on Vick is redundant drivel, full of hate, and devoid of information.  I’ll try to do better, minus the information part.

Vick is a guy who once signed a contract for $130,000,000.00 over 10 years, and chose to run a dog-fighting ring.  If we can agree on anything, it’s that he’s got some wires crossed in his kitchen, right?

It’s easy to tear a strip off Vick, and he more-than deserves it.  And of course, where is the humanity in some borderline soulless human signing another multi-million dollar contract and getting the second chance at life, which he denied countless dogs?

There isn’t any.

And further, it’s easy to point the finger at the Eagles and say they’ve got blood on their hands, too.  It seems more than any other sport that football is win-at-all-costs.  A sport that almost says “we don’t care who you are or what you’ve done, we just want to win.”  And in reality, that’s what makes football so much fun to watch.  It’s a 16 game season where every game matters, and men put everything they’ve got for effort on the line (hang your head in shame, baseball).

There is no sport that serves as a better metaphor for the rest of the working world than football.  Football has produced more life-mirroring cliche’s than I care to dredge up (see: Lombardi, Vince).  In the end, it’s a rat race of people trying to get ahead under the guise of a team sport, and sometimes, those who fight dirty are the last ones standing in the end.

But Vick’s not getting ahead.  I’ve always been a “things happen for a reason” guy (speaking of cliche’s), so I feel like Vick’s seeming re-acceptance by the NFL as just the next step in the real punishment he deserves.  Things are going to be miserable for this guy.  Philly?  He signed in Philly?

There’s no worse team in the league, probably in any sport, to go play for if you were worried about fan harrassment.  This guys life might be in danger (this is your chance to get in the headlines, PETA!).  He’s going to be a pinata for sitcks and stone’s that’ll break his bones and words that’ll seriously hurt him.

I’m so glad he didn’t go somewhere out of the headlines like Detroit.  With the ramped up media coverage in the City of Brotherly Abuse of Quarterbacks, we’ll all get to read the hilarious signs, see the funny costumes, and generally join in the torment of Philly’s for-now backup quarterback.

He was with people in jail who probably thought he didn’t commit much of a crime.  Now, he’s being chucked into a ginormous population of people who think he did, and fortunately, some of that same ginormous population occasionally lack the social grace to edit their verbal slander from the sidelines.  What a treat for viewers!

You know what else I take from all this? 

Our lack of belief in our ability to rehabilitate people.

I’m still sort of unclear whether jail is meant to be a miserable holding spot where we punish those who victimize our society, or whether we’re trying to help these people get better.

He did his time.  Is it possible he’s thought about what he’s done, understands it, and feels endless remorse?

Not one of my readers believes that.  Doesn’t that tell us something about our belief in prison’s ability to make people better?

But let’s stick to sports.

Vick is going to say and do all the right things for the first little while.  The second he scrambles for a 40 yard touchdown run, Philly fans will be on his side.  The second he throws a pick, however, Philly fans will come back with the bark and bite of 40 thousand pitbulls.

There’s only going to be one thing more fun to watch than Michael Vick fighting for survival in, and out of an Eagles uniform this year, and it’s approaching quickly:

Vick has been released.  The Eagles have signed him.  The NFL has re-instated him.  The fun part?

PETA?  Your move.

A Plea To Current NHLers

 

When I grew up, sports seemed so clear.

There didn’t seem to be so much legalise; this constant, in-depth coverage of the personal lives of the athletes I was watching and revering.  Our heroes of old were probably just as flawed as our heroes of present, only they didn’t catch guys like Babe Ruth doing something stupid and run it on every TV in the nation because there weren’t six cell phone camera’s around at the time.

In earlier decades, fans would have no clue that in pre-season Josh Hamilton stumbled in his attempt at a sober life, but thanks to a few college teens, we have a couple dozen pics of his bizarre meltdown. 

The mistakes our athletes make are constantly in our face, covered to the fullest, and intertwined with regular sports news. 

This steroids thing in baseball has gone from “no!” to “oh” to “so?“. 

I understand sports fans who don’t like baseball.  It’s a thrill-an-hour, and they play more games the video game world has Halo users.  But for me, there was always something kinda pure about it.  Because there’s no man-to-man contact in baseball (or very, very little), it just seems like the least relevant sport to be a steroid user.

And that may be why the steroid suspensions haven’t come crashing down too hard on the users.  There’s no risk of injury to other people, like in football, where if someone is scary strong, it’s scary for a reason.

What’s with the length of suspensions?  In baseball, getting busted for injecting your body with illegal performance enhancing juice costs you 50 games (that injection also costs the right people their jobs, and earns the wrong people more money).  And then you’re cleared to play and help your team down the playoff stretch, while most of the falsely earned new muscle is still there and about to burst through your jersey.  You’ll lose some of the muscle mass, fine, but hey, get in enough cycles before you get caught and you’ll see the benefits for a while.

Why does baseball think it’s any better now that it was before the Mitchell Report?

Of course, baseball’s not alone in it’s embarassments in recent years.

Somehow, the culture of the NFL is breeding poor decision-making too.  This hip-hop culture that has emphasized the need to be a gun-toting, take-no-guff cool guy is putting guys in prison so often it barely registers a blip on my care-dar anymore.  Thanks Plaxico.  Dante.  Pacman.  Vick. 

And the NBA is nowhere near exempt.  I’m not so sure we’ve gotten to the bottom of the officiating scandal.  One single referee gets caught betting on games he’s working, claims he’s part of a league-wide reffing circle of hustlers, and the story gets buried?

Guys are always going to get in trouble, I get that.  Like all jobs, men work them, and men are flawed (sometimes we hit cabbies).  We do expect our athletes, as role models, to hold themselves to a higher level of accountability (and not the opposite, as they may think), but mistakes are still going to happen.

But when you step back and see the frequency of the problems, and the consistency in the types of errors being made sport by sport, I’ve kinda gotta ask:

Still holding that lockout against the NHL, hey America?

I can’t stand hearing the “I used to watch before the lockout” comment.  It’s not that I don’t love the NFL (I love the NFL) or other sports, I’m just running on an equal sports-shunning platform. 

Baseball’s ratings are up in recent years.  And people claim they don’t watch the NHL because of greed?  Have you seen MLB contracts?  Occasionally, hockey ratings are below the PBA and poker, but it’s the only sport that’s gotten better this decade.

Maybe hockey will figure out that fans like a little mischief and chaos, and follow in Patty Kanes example (for the record, I’m skeptical he committed much of a crime there).  This is a call to hockey players!  Let’s start mixin’ it up!

Hell, I’m gonna be a writer guys.  I need material now!

Juicin’!  Guns!  Gambling!  Gimme something! 

We’ve got to win the lockout fans back!

We’ve got to win the lockout fans back!

Wrapping Up The Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp

 

 

 

 

Hey, Quick Question…

 

This whole Ben Roethlisberger sex scandal is just so odd, isn’t it?

I mean, you never quite know how to take it when you hear of a professional athlete getting acused of something so serious.  Or at least I don’t.

Naturally, we start by juding their prior behaviour.  You can pick through Ben’s history with tweezers and not find drama.  But that doesn’t mean he didn’t do it.

As her account goes, she was the concierge at his hotel (he was at some golf event in Lake Tahoe), and he asked her to step into his room to look at his broken TV.  She comes in, and they (allegedly) have sex that only one person wanted to have, which, is sorta frowned upon by every person ever (not to make light of a potentially serious crime). 

It’s tough to form opinions on this stuff, because if he really did it, what an awful, sick, burn-in-hell human it turns out he is.  But if he didn’t do it, it still sucks for him - once “accused of rape” is on your resume, it always kinda mars your reputation, convicted or not.  It’s just such a shady situation.  It doesn’t help her case that you could see why she’d make something like that up if it turns out that she is slightly off-in-the-head.   There’s the national attention, plus, the guy is loaded.

I don’t think Ben’s guilty, for two reasons:  One, his prior record of misbehaving (never, aside from a sober motorcycle crash), and two, the fact that she’s listed something like eight people as defendants in a rape case, which unfortunately starts her off on the crazy-looking foot.

And other times, I think, wait… Isn’t my blog way too light-hearted for a topic like this?  And it is.  So I apologize.  Won’t happen again.  Let’s ask questions about more pressing issues…

*****

One: Is there any stress that comes on quicker and stronger than being in the right lane with a “right lane must turn” sign (let alone the ominous “right lane ENDS” signs)?  Especially with the cars to your left being in a steady, packed line?  Sheer panic.  Inner-skull pandemonium.

Two:  Why won’t the CFL just accept its role as an NFL farm system?  Everything would work a whole lot smoother (and develop more players, and better), if they just used a normal sized ball, and had an appropriate sized field.  Like adults do.  Know your role, CFL.  Right?

Three:  Can you watch the pirate (with the four wood limbs) on family guy and not laugh?

Four:  What baseball player would depress you the most to find out did steroids during their career?  Gotta be Cal Ripken, doesn’t it?  Mr. Iron Man himself?

Five:  Is there any word in our language more homosexual word than the word ”prancing” (especially in fuschia)?  Not really the way any male wants any of his movements described.  Just a thought.

Ha, so yeah, there’s a non-hockey pop quiz for today.  Enjoy the lull and enjoy the sun, before you know it’ll be strong coffee, slapshots and saves allll over again.

You Should See How Fast I Can Blog

 

Whats with NFL hats, and why can’t they make a good one?  From what I’ve seen, the NFL is popular across America.  But it’s rare to see anyone under 30 who wears the hat of their favourite football team.  It would seem a hard hitting extra-macho game like football would have a lot of appeal to the young crowd.  Why then, has the NFL chosen to mirror the marketing technique of NASCAR, which from what I can tell is to recreate the experience of being at a rave, then stick that on the heads of its fans.  Major League Baseball sells hats by the bushel, largely because of their simplicity.  Nobody wants to walk around with flames on their head, with the exception of said NASCAR fans, with whom your safest bet is to not make a motion towards their PBR, and you’ll lessen the odds of them biting you. 

The New York Giants are the only team with a simple enough logo to work the MLB approach.  Put that NY on the front, put NFL on the back.  Make it blue.  Then sell the hat.  80% of people aren’t wearing baseball hats to represent their favourite team, they just want a good looking hat.  I wouldn’t worry about the other marketing practice of Major League Baseball, which is to make hats for thugs.  According to this crowd, the best hat is a flat brimmed arbitrarily coloured Yankees hat with the skyline of NYC on it.  Most of these will be stolen and not bought anyway, so think back to simple.  Face punch for that crowd.

In my life, I’ve owned (in chronological order, all pro-fit) baseball hats of the Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, Baltimore Orioles, St. Louis Cardinals, and now, as I’ve gotten older and chosen to represent my favourite team, the New York Mets.  Which, coincidentally is the best style hat too, rock on orange and blue.  Random shout out to the Jays.

Now, on to more pressing issues.  Why won’t the person in the apartment below me remove the pumpkin from their deck?  I mean, I’m not exactly concerned about the re-sale value of my apartment, but I am a little hesitant about what that thing may have growing in it.  Yeah, you heard me. PUMPKIN.  You know, Halloween, end of October, that gourd. The pumpkin looks like Carrie Underwood caught it cheating.  Maybe next team it’ll think before it cheats.  If you read this, person, please. remove. the pumpkin.

Charlie Kronschnabel, my college roommate and current Iowa Chop (I literally think ”Chop” refers to pork chop.  Pretty sure their mascot is a pig.  Well done, Anaheim) wrote me today and reminded of one quick story I want to share.  In college, I took a course in Learning and Cognition.  Our professor was going over speed reading, talking about retention, it’s usefulness, if it’s possible, and its general pros and cons.  He moved on, and had started going over the next topic for a minute or so, when from the front-middle of the room, a hand arose. 

Professor:  “Yeah, Dan”

Dan:  “You should see how fast I can read”

Professor: “…….”

Dan:  “……”

And that was the conversation.  What?  These people are everywhere in college, and I just want to know, who are they?  They aren’t kids who need something explained better, or have some input.  From what I can tell, their own ego’s have them thinking that the Professor isn’t teaching, rather, they’re having a conversation.  What kind of family supports random outburts like this?  I really want to know what the kid thought might follow.  Like, the teacher was going to pull out a novel, the kid was going to look at a page, turn it quickly, then look up and say, see?  It reminds me of ”Look what I can do!” from Stewart on Mad TV.   For four years we would occasionally break the silence with “you should see how fast I can read”.  Ha….  I miss that.

Holy Wars

 

Thank God the Baltimore Ravens didn’t win the AFC Championship game.  Do you realize what would have happened?  Catastrophe, thats what.  I don’t mean catastrophe in the hyperbolic sense like “ohmygod Renne Zellwegger’s dress at the golden globes was a catastrophe”.  I mean like, tsunami’s and hurricanes would have wiped out Tampa Bay.  Haven’t you thought of this?  It’s God’s two favourite teams.  You can’t make Him choose between his two favourite sons (after Jesus).  I think he would’ve called the game on account of thestadiumdoesn’texistanymore (worse than hail).  If Kurt Warner thanks Jesus one more time I’m gonna be like a one man tsunami all up in his business.  Hi-yah!  I just can’t take it.  And the Ravens have Ray Lewis.  Ray tends to thank God though, and Warner Jesus, so… I’m not exactly a priest/minister/pastor/reverend/father/padre guy, but I think that that final would have pitted Jesus against God, and what a grudge match that would have been!  Talk about “smash-mouth football” hey, Tom Jackson? (Say it again Tom, and see what happens.  Yeah.  Hi-yah! to you too)   And after the game, they could all brush the mud off, have a laugh, and tend to the flock.  And by flock I mean Ray Lewis’ 6 kids with 5 women.  (Hypocrises 5:2 “For he whose team I cheer for most may have great success; spread the word of my name and thy shall be acquitted of all murder charges)

Breaking news from Trisha Takinowa for Canadians:  The NFL is really great.  I know the CFL is a lot of fun.  I like the Roughies and Lions, which means I’m a fan of one quarter of the league.  I like my odds of my team doing well.  But this league has a whole bunch of teams from all sorts of places.  It’s pretty cool.

Dear The Entire United States:  The NHL is really great.  I know you’ve got a lot going on.  And with global warming, you’re pretty much out of places that can have ice (PS. please slow global warming.  And then call China and see if they want to too.  Maybe it’ll be like the bridge thing.  Look, Canada jumped!).  But you can make ice indoors with fancy machines.  I have a selling point, wait:  White guys can be good at it too!  It’s a fast, tough, smart sport (with exceptions) that rewards quick thinking and decision making along with athleticism.  I think that’s where you’re getting things messed up.  I know you like to call a play and have a commercial break.  But it’s pretty exciting to watch if you can figure it out.  Try it on for size again, there’s some Crozvechkin kid that’s supposed to be rrreally fast.

*Post blog afterthought.  Does Kurt Warner really play for the Cardinals? They should move the Vatican and be the Vatican Cardinals, and they wouldn’t even have to sign a new QB.  When God makes final judgement on what play to call next, white smoke comes outta that little chimney over there.