Videos and Conversation Starters

WAKE UP!  Let’s get today goin’ with three must-see videos:

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You only need the first 30 seconds or so of this next one. A “fake robbery” prank gone wrong… I love how shady the guy is after, like “nothing to see here…”:

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Have you seen “Jersey Shore” yet?  God I hope not.  Unfortunately, some of us live with east coast girls who think reality TV is hilarious, and I’ll admit, this one is tough to turn away from for all the wrong reasons. For my Canadian friends, here’s a sneak peek at the high-quality television MTV is running these days (by the way, a million thanks to the news anchors for their insightful commentary on the show.)

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(*high-pitched* WHAT GUY DOES THAT??)

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Thinking: "I haven't used this thing in years, since I discovered hockey."

 I understand how some things are tough for countries to change, like for the US, it would be expensive to switch to the reasonable system of measurement, metric.  What I don’t get, is why it would be a huge, raging difficulty for both Canada and the US to simply change our national sports to what our countries national sports actually are. 

Really, Canada?  Lacrosse?  At least Americans can debate over a couple stupid loopholes, like the word “pasttime”.  What’s our excuse for ignoring the obvious?  And not to sound like Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler, but REALLY, USA?  Baseball?  Can you be proud of yourselves being represented by A NON-CONTACT sport?  That doesn’t seem very American to me.  What gets better ratings, the Superbowl or MLB playoff “action”? 

The toque can't overcome sabotage, bastard.

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Jose Theodore spent two months sabotaging my fantasy hockey team from the inside, like a double agent.  After the discovery of his bad intentions and his subsequent release, he went back to his true owner, whoever it is I’m playing this week (I believe that’s you, AiH). 

 Theodore nearly put up a shutout for my opponent (head-to-head league) in a 6-1 win with a huge save percentage.  I wanted to like you, Jose, I really did.  In the prime of your career, you wore a toque on your helmet for an outdoor game.  And now, all you have are reservations for one at Justin Bourne’s Sports Hate Bar and Grill.

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Isn’t having “divisions” in sports just a generally horrible idea?  In all seriousness, why do we need them, just to lower travel expenses?  What would be so bad about just having two conferences and the top teams making it?

Yeah that seems fair.

It just makes no sense to me that you can get the three seed in playoffs when you don’t have the third best record in your conference.  It also make no sense to me that good teams like the Toronto Blue Jays routinely have to take the no-jock crotch-kick of being in the same division with the Yankees and Red Sox, while teams like the Washington Capitals get 20-some night-off-free-W’s a year by being good enough to coast past Carolina, Florida, Tampa Bay or Atlanta once every few games.

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 Happy humpday.  Time to start holiday shopping?

Homophobia in Hockey

I’m excited today.  My USA Today column on homosexuals in professional hockey is “out” this morning (did you gasp?  You gasped didn’t you.)  Major thank you’s to the people there for allowing me to run it, and for only editing out certain sentences, like, “I’ve said fag more times than a British smoker”, which was at one point my entire intro paragraph.  Please give it a read people, I think I make a fair point.

Secondly, Bourne’s Blog had it’s best reader comment ever, in regards to head injuries.  Verbatim, jbrown:

This is what watching game 73 of 162 on TV feels like.

“We’ve covered NFL and NHL in this thread, but what about MLB? Baseball is responsible for some of the worst head injuries around. The other day I accidentally left the TV on Sportsnet and the World Series was on when I walked by. I vaguely recall being overcome with an intense malaise and dizzying level of apathy. When I came to, I was laying on the ground beside the coffee table with a small cut on my forehead.” 

I still can’t read that without laughing. 

I’m not sure what’s happening with me and baseball.  It makes no sense that I can love to play a sport so much, and have so much fun going to a game in person, yet can’t watch so much as a full inning of the World Series final on TV, even with two of the leagues most interesting teams playing.

I literally found it hard to flip back to the baseball game last night because the football game was so good, and the Coyotes were tied 3-3 in the third.  That’s how I knew I was really over baseball on TV.

HD TV has done well by so many sports, but I think baseball needs to go back to low-def.  Maybe seeing guys eating Spitz and not paying attention to their own game takes some of the fire out of it for me.  Imagine eating seeds on the bench in hockey?  You’d choke and die.  Hearing that Manny took a shower mid-game last series says a lot about baseball, unfortunately.

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Some quick hits:

...thinking "boy-oh-boy do I like finishing my checks and playing defensively responsible hockey"

The Coyotes were one win away from a blogged apology last night.  I saw they were up 3-1, and I wrote in my phone “admit you were wrong to Coyotes fans tomorrow”.  Then they puked on their shoes.  Now you’re going to have to wait a little longer for that apology.  …I hear a rattling… did a few screws get loosened around the bandwagon wheels?

Here’s the problem with this – I moved here intending to like the Coyotes, but I “knew” they were going to be bad.  So I wrote my opinion.  Now, they have a fast, hardworking, probably likable team (Shane Doan as the superstar made me type “likable” while cringing.  Nice guy, but as exciting as beige), but I want my prediction to come true, so I root against them.  At the very least, I offer the fans this:  I’ll stop rooting against them.  There.  That’s what you get.

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In hockey, did you know team bus drivers honk the horn twice when pulling away from an arena after a road win?  Wasn’t sure if fans knew that or not.  Every level, every team.

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Blog would have been up earlier, but I google imaged "tartan skirt". My bad.

In reference to a Paul Shirley tweet, isn’t it amazing that any Catholic school anywhere still makes teenage girls wear Tartan skirts as a uniform?  Are they that socially oblivious to what those have come to represent?

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Is switch-hitting the most impressive thing in sports?  It has my vote.  I can’t imagine the spinal damage I’d incur trying to hit a slider left-handed.

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I tweeted this in the past (God we need a better word for microblogs), but in the cap era of team building, is prolonged suckage the best path to success?  Isles are 4-0-2 in their last six, the Pens have been in two finals in two years, and the Blackhawks might win the Presidents trophy.  And those three teams sucked, sucked and sucked the first half of this decade.

Weird, the case was made by a UNH alum.

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I had someone make the case to me about James Van Riemsdyk in Philly being a potential Calder Trophy winner.  I’m sold.  Seven points in his last six, and looking like he’s just getting more comfortable.

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That’s all for today.  Again, check out my USA Today piece, and let me know what you’re thoughts on the issue are.  Preferably on their site, not this one.  Thanks!

Lawson Translation

The Islanders have signed a third starter, Martin Biron, to a one year, $1.4 million dollar contract.  I just. don’t. get it.

So then, we’re admitting DiPietro is beyond being a functioning goalie, right?

I mean, it makes no sense to sign someone to well over a million dollars if you intend for them to play in the AHL.  And we aren’t going to trade Biron or Roloson, both of whom we just signed, or we simply wouldn’t have signed them.  So this was the Islanders admitting DP is a no-go, wasn’t it?

Lawson reads the play before you do, and plays the puck like Marty Turco

The Sound Tigers had a stud in net last year in Nathan Lawson, who didn’t see NHL games at the end of the AHL season strictly because the BPST’s needed him too bad (truf).  If they were looking to lock up a talented kid with scads of potential starter for the Sound Tigers, they had Lawson in their hands (statline: 2.16 GAA, .927 Save %, 19 wins, 9 losses -- better than Mannino in every category).  Who knows if he’ll sign without getting a NHL -- AHL two way, which the Isles won’t do (15 years looked crazy, but 4 NHL goalie contracts looks bat-shit crazy).  So should we shuffle Laws into the “Islanders squandered talent” bin?  They better at least lock him up for Bridgeport somehow, and soon… or someone will.

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Ahhh, the Red Sox got rid of Julio Lugo, at last.  He never really fit in there, did he?  Never quite had the swagger, always kinda looked weak.  I’m sure Sawks fans shed zero tears, and are already demanding results of the new guys.

By the way, has the Sox morphing into the Yankees over this decade turned anyone else off?  So much for the scrappy underdog taking down those Rockefeller-esque Yankees.  They’re just poured outta the same mold at this point.

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Like me, you may find it hard to sit through 36 seconds of “metal”, or whatever we’re calling that genre of “music”, so you may want to mute this.  I think I actually like it better with sound though.

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So good news, for those of you who have subscribed to the blog.  You’re about to get your first bonus offering from Bourne’s Blog!  I’m going to take questions from now until the Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp that you may have for any of our ex-NHL stars, ask those questions, and do a fun little question and answer write up for you.  I think I may do this throughout the year with current NHLers that I’m still in touch with too.

I feel safer when he wears gloves.

So, you have your pick, ask a question to any of the following:  Battlin’ Billy Smith, Dave Semenko, Bryan Trottier, Dale Hawerchuk, Doug Bodger, Steve Shutt, Ron Flockhart, Cliff Ronning, Larry Melnyk, Gary Nylund, Clark Gillies, or of course, my Dad.

Two weeks from now that crew will be on the ice with our guests, pulling groins, tweaking backs, and generally keeping ibuprofen providers in business.  Lookin’ forward to it!

Swaggerin' Down The Highway To Hell

Alright, alright, I’m back in Kelowna.

Everytime I’m in New York I gain about nine pounds and take ninety minutes off my life.  Those people like the sauce.

Should we talk hockey, or me? 

Me?  If you insist.  (But then I’m gonna talk about hockey)

Major thank you to my Uncle Ken and Aunt Sue, who were a part of a weekend that went something like this:

First, the Broadway play “God of Carnage“.  James Gandolfini, Jeff Daniels, Marcia Harden (and some other great actress) tear up the set in a not so subtle hint that “marriage is the worst thing god can inflict on a person”.  Well timed. 

Meanwhile, my bride-to-be has recently started driving at ten-and-two just so she can stare at her ring while driving.  Which is nice, because I was feeling way too safe on the NY roads when she was looking at the road.

The play was followed by a fancy-pants dinner, a hotel in the city, a Yankees game in premier seats, and a 4th of July party.  I spent about six dollars.  I suspect others spent more (thanks, um, I’m a career blogger).

The only downside?

Someone made me hold a baby.

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In other news, Alexi freakin’ Kovalev signed with the Senators, bumping a Heatley return into the “unlikely” file, right next to the Sens playoff hopes.

And, to make matters worse for the Sens, all the sudden the Leafs have a legitimate d-corps with the signing of Beauchemin and Komisarek.  I realize Brian Burke is human sandpaper thats as well liked as Billy Buckner in Boston, but come on… that’s a pretty nice back end he slapped together.

(Huh.  That kinda sounded gay.)

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One more thing:  You know what we all need to think about more?  Our hypothetical at-bat song.

You know, the one the guys pick to play as they walk up to the plate in baseball?  It’s like, the real-life equivalent of WWF (still can’t say ”WWE”) entry songs.  It’s my new obsession.

I’m pretty sure right now I’d be steppin’ up to “Turn My Swag On” by Soulja Boy, strictly because it’s the worst good song I’ve heard since the stuff ”Ma$e” used to put out.

But what are some of the Yankees thinking?  Teixera steps up to “I Wanna Rock”?  Really Mark?  That’s the best song in the last 20 years?

I’m convinced Hideki Matsui doesn’t know what they’re gonna play, and it’s a running gag on the team.  They all get to pick the song for one of his at-bats per week, then they vote on who embarrassed him the most.  Just a theory.

At least A-Rod has a little “Public Service Announcement” by Jay-Z.  I can dig that.

In keeping with the entry song spirit, I’ve recieved some input, and we came up with the most important tune of all.  The one I walk down the aisle to, on my way to being married.

In the lead?

Highway to Hell.

Can anyone beat that??

*PS, let the record show, Bri has a great sense of humor about the slew of past and future anti-marriage jokes.  She’s the best.