Topics of Interest

 Thanks to everyone for the wonderful support of my brother’s situation.  He’s doing very well today!

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Did you hear about the woman who just got arrested for prostituting herself for world series tickets? (that wasn’t a set-up for a joke, believe it or not).  Her online ad had herself described as a “buxom blonde willing to get creative in a trade for World Series tickets”.  Once an undercover officer said he had the tickets and arranged the “trade”, she was cuffed and charged.  That actually happened.  Baseball tickets.  Go sit in the corner and think about what you… tried to do, woman.

{“Buxom” falls into the list words I use and understand, but would find it hard to define.}

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The Naked Shootout (for those of you who don’t know what it is)

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The naked shootout that the Tampa Bay Lightning attempted was funny -- especially within the team.  Really, they don’t know what’s going to end up happening themselves.  Guys just come up with stupid games (as people know, mustache boy -- loser grows a ‘stache -- has caught on, but guys play for dumb stuff every day.  Bagel Boy (loser gets bagels for the next morning), Juice boy (loser pours everyone gatorade), and the most frightening of my career -- earring boy (loser gets a temp earing for two weeks).

But I’m a little bothered by the public gushing about the naked shootout.  Mostly cause I think it’s not that funny, and because I can tell it’s going to catch on, despite being one of the lesser shootout games.

The  Idaho junior Steelheads (17 year olds, I guess?) did it too.  Kids that age are not mature enough for the naked shootout to be “dumb funny”, so it’s just dumb -- they think its the nudity that’s funny, not the public demeaning of a teammate (silly kids… they’re way off).  I want to slap those kids.  Then, to compound the problem, some woman who sees it calls the cops.  Right, because THATS what we need the nations police doing, stopping 17 year old boys from being harmlessly dumb.  Don’t worry.  To quote an officer “The investigation is ongoing”.

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We were musing -- in the spectrum of “difficult jobs to get as a homosexual”, do you think  there are many that would be harder to have than men’s hockey coach?  It’s such a homobphobic culture.  Is this why I don’t know of any?  And on that thought, does anybody know of an openly gay hockey player?

I mean, statistically, there has had to have been hundreds.  And, it’s no myth that women’s hockey has it’s share (one female ex-college player told me “it’s creepy watching them give each other they eye in the room”.  You can’t make that stuff up).  But to this day I know of zero.  I have a few guesses on ex-teammates (Tassone? Probably Tassone right?).  But still, zero.

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Fill it up again!

So what if Anthony Kim, young PGA tour stud parties his ass off?  There is no sport that it matters less in.  It’s not a team game, so if he hurts his game, he only hurts himself.  Not everyone strives to be the best human ever at their sport, some are just happy getting paid (ie. me). 

It’s not tennis where being at the peak of your physical prowess is key.  Fine, it’ll hurt his chances (and liver), but the guy is doing just fine the way he’s doing it.  I just can’t fathom why anyone cares, and why the story is on TV.  I like him so much more knowing he likes to put back a few shots the night before he hits a few shots, and he still kills it at the games highest level.  Win one for the guys who’d do it the same way, AK!

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I spoke with an unnamed professional coach about a month ago (possibly one that had been drinking) with a “scoop” for me to write about.  He was being blackmailed by a player that he was going to have to cut.  This player saw the writing on the wall, and I guess the year before, the coach had swung at the kid after a game.  That’s really all I’ll say about that, but isn’t it crazy that stuff happens behind closed doors?

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I’ve tried to explain a few things to rec league players on my blog, since I’ve recently become their liason between pro and their style of hockey. Now it’s your turn to explain something to me.

In your game, is there some “don’t shoot through screens” etiquette?  Yesterday a guy came down one on one on me, then blasted one into my foot.  I’m limping today, and was irate for about two seconds.  Then I thought “it’s hockey, you have no right to be mad”.  And now i’m thinking… “don’t I”?  I’ve held back a number of times from firing it into a crowd so far.  What’s the etiquette on this?

Bowling for Kneecaps

Hockey fans, a general inquiry from a player, to you:

Why, oh why, do you all love short players so much?

Why does being 5’6″ guarantee any player an instant, devoted following?

My father was been widely cited as the “fastest skater of his era” – a nice quote considering he played during the Gretzky days with teammates like Bossy and Trottier.

It’s one of his favourite rants:  Shorter players look like they’re working twice as hard as tall guys, because their little legs have to pump more reps to keep up with us long-legged folk.  And people see the increased reps, and say things like “that little guy just never stops working”.

Punching downhill sounds fun.

At 6’4″, it takes a tad more effort to get one of those stems up-and-through than it does when you’ve got the legs of a Pembroke Corgi.  We’re working here too, alright?  We’re trying.

Every year at fitness testing, there’s some kid with T-Rex arms that can do 45 pull-ups and only stops because the trainers like “fine, fine, we get it, enough”.

They aren’t skating faster, they just have really short legs!

I get that fans like to watch them play physical – as a taller guy, you always want to thump that little bastard that’s running around like a possessed bowling ball, but the odds of running over a guy with a lower center of gravity than a flat-side-down bosu-ball is unlikely.

Of course, all sports are, to quote Al Pacino “a game of inches”.  Two guys reach to poke the puck, or a forward drags his leg to stay onside, whatever.  The small guys are disadvantaged there.  So sure, love them, they do have a few little hurdles to jump.

I have a feeling St.Louis drew a lot of walks in Little League

Just do us lanky-leggers a favour:  Don’t say they’re working harder.  And don’t applaud the (rare) small guy who (lacks respect and) goes low (fans love the front-flip after a sub-hit, but half my college team would give their left one for the chance to beat the piss out of Nick Licari from Wisconsin.  And unlike fighting, low hits don’t come with smiles and respect at the bar).

Do you know how hard it is to co-ordinate 15 miles of limbs?  I’m not even quite at the 6’2″ line and it took me to 20 before I could get them working in the same direction.

So why, hockey fans? 

Where’s the love for the gangletrons? 

Cheering for the small guy is like being a Yankees fan.  How’s that beaten path feel under your crocs?

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* The final piece of my series “A Hockey Players Life” for Max Hockey.com is up on their site, or it can simply be found as the latest article under the Max Hockey.com button at the top of this page.