Bonus Content, Lebron, and CUTE ANIMALS

For those of you who haven’t been with me since day one of the blog (you bandwagoners): here’s the truth: I’m a hockey writer by default.  I started out just…. blogging.  Stand-up comedy, animal pictures, football rants, and the occassional mention of a sport I sometimes followed, hockey.

Glenn, Bri, Mom and Jeff, hangin' out in AZ

Blogger Bourne was like Hockey Bourne - I loved me some stats.  I had thirty “views” my first day, and wanted the number to head up.  I checked progress religiously throughout the day as A) it was super-easy when I had a wordpress.com account and didn’t have to go through the whole Google Analytics rigamaroll and B) I was confined to the couch for a couple months thanks to my shattered face, and was f**king bored.

What I noticed was, every time I wrote about hockey, things kaboomed.  Ahhh– since I actually knew what the hell I was talking about on that topic, people were more inclined to care.  Noted.

And here we are today.  It’s just me, jumping around waving hockey sticks, wearing a helmet and visor, yelling “HockeyHockeyHockey!  HOCKEY!  HHOOCCKKEEEEEEY!”

On that note, it’s summertime, and you’re going to have to periodically deal with the fact that the roots of this blog are not fully planted in ice.  But don’t fret too much – if something puckportant comes up, I’ll still be here to jump on it.

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A question:

Would you pay for bonus content?  As in, if I did a weekly video blog and a bi-weekly podcast, would you pay 3/4/5 dollars a month to listen/watch something like that?  (Potential podcast guests: Greg Wyshynski, Cabbie Richards from “Cabbie on the Street”, some player friends like Eric Nystrom, Charlie Kronschnabel, um… Clark Gillies and Bob Bourne?)

I personally know I refuse to pay for anything online.  Like, I followed the Islanders beat writer Katie Strang on Twitter this year, and refused to pay the $5 a month Newsday asks to read her blogs.  I figured if it was important news, I’d find out about it one way or the other.  So I understand if the answer is no. 

Please click this link and answer the poll so I can figure out if I should do that stuff for next season.  The “donate” button has helped (thanks to you generous readers), but doesn’t wield anything consistent.

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LEBRON. 

Let’s talk Lebron.

Lebronathan

First off, check out Bill Simmons great column for some context - Lebron has spurned three things for what Simmons thinks appears to be a cry for basketball help:  Home (Cleveland), “Global Icon” status (New York Knicks), and the best chance at winning (Chicago, in BS’s opinion).

So go ahead and read that if you feel like reading about his free agency decision from a more serious sports standpoint. 

But how about the human side of it?  What the f**k is this guy doing?  He’s letting some new agent DESTROY him… and he can’t see it?  His new agent’s name, by the way, is Maverick.  Neato. 

After the launch of his new website, the announcement of his ESPN show ”The Decision”, and the start-up of his twitter account, I thought I couldn’t take anymore.  Then he’s tweeting stuff like “submit a question to #lebrondecision for me to answer tonight”?  Now I KNOW I can’t take anymore. 

I really did like this guy before, but the whole transforming into a brand thing is nauseating.  Corporate-advised tweets?  I mean, c’mon, man…. 

Everything his camp has done has made it so Lebron HAS to win a title.  Anything less is Space-Shuttle-Challenger-level failure.  I don’t care what league you’re in, or what team you’re on, titles are NEVER a given.  Yes, basketball is the sport where the best team usually wins, for sure more than the other three big leagues, but with nine minimum-salary players, winning it all is no gimme.  Why pile onto your own pressure like this?

“KidCanada” tweeted a question for Lebron today: “Have you crossed over from regular villainy to cartoon super-villainy? #lebrondecision“  Fair question. 

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If I were a gambler, I’d – wait, I am. ….. If I had the money to gamble, I’d put it all on Ilya signing today.  Don’t you think?  More than enough time has passed for him to figure out his choices.  Now that you know your options, pick one buddy.  We’re tiring of this. 

I recently lost a lot of weight, turned green, and grew spikes.

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Tomorrow I head out to LA to meet with my producer/friend, first and foremost to get the Justin Bourne Hockey Show underway so we can get the pilot out, and try to have it on TV for next season.  I figure mentioning it on the blog and twitter is a great way to generate some buzz, and “groupthink” some ideas. 

What were your favourite things I’ve discussed in column/blog form over the past year?  What new ideas would you like to see me break down in a segment?  Basically it’ll be me, some highlights, some conversations, some demonstrations and possibly some beer tasting.  …In every segment.  And before the show.  Admit it, you’d watch that 1000% more often than ”frozen in time” games. 

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And, while I’m reaching back to my blog roots, here’s one for all of you that write “stop with the animal pictures”.  

EAT IT. 

Hey look, it’s Chubbyguts Tyson!
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B-Side Thought Barrage

Sorry about the late start today – the mornings after I play hockey are usually a little sluggish, not because I drink after, but because I NEVER EXERCISE EVER AND I HURT.

Sadly, my rec league team lost it’s first game, giving up an empty netter in the dying seconds to lose 12-10.  In our defense, our team racked up 10 man-games of suspensions the week before, so we had six skaters and a replacement goalie.  I also felt two strides away from having massive cardiac issues. 

It’s time to clear out the thought locker – that’s the place in my phone I store genius topic ideas, essentially adding three of them a day, and writing about two.  What I’m saying is, here come the B-Sides.

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I love that Carey Price went after Cam Janssen after getting run over last night….

….but it got me thinking.  Has any goalie EVER taken their helmet off to fight a player? (I know they do to fight each other)  …But it’s like they forget it’s on.  Or they figure since they’re at an over-padded disadvantage anyway, they deserve to leave it on.  For the record, I’m on their side.  Swing away, f**kers.  (Harding did the same a few nights earlier against Ott, I believe)

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Beer of the seemingly-random-length-of-time:  Jewbelation 13 by Shmaltz Brewing, strictly because it’s got a hilarious name, 13.5% alcohol, and is so dark and thick they serve it in a snifter.  I’ve never ordered one, but come on, that deserved a shout-out.

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When I was in Vegas, it was during the Fancy-New-Electronics Convention Thinger (or some similar name).  It was like being in Vancouver, if you get what I mean.  …..Ya know?  …..Feel me on that?  ….ASIANS, PEOPLE!  ASIANS EVERYWHERE. 

If he's not sleeping, he's nom-ing toes.

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I get claustrophobic when my cat falls asleep in my lap, because I want to encourage the whole affection thing, but I feel like I can’t get up/move/flinch/do-anything-ever-again.  Anyone esle feel trapped by their sleeping pet?

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As I’m sure generations did before us, we tend to think we have most universe/Earth related things mostly figured out.  Ideas that were common knowledge like “the Earth is flat” periodically get debunked, and they change our views on major topics just like that.  In TIME this week, there was an article that reviewed the discovery of a fossil that showed some four-legged creature was walking the earth 400 million years ago, long before we thought animals crawled out of the sea.

Which got me thinking: I wonder what the next big thing will be.  The next crazy, “holy crap, the Earth isn’t the center of the solar system” type discovery.  Hope it’s in my lifetime.

Wrong pic for the ProBowl blurb? Naaa, SANCHIZE!

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The NFL’s ProBowl is such a joke.  You can take the physicality out of hockey and still leave entertainment, but not football.  Why don’t they just shut that event down?  Who’s trying to maul the quarterback when it makes no difference what happens on the play?

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Washing a hat is like reincarnating it.  You end up with a totally different hat if you wash and dry it.  It makes the immediate transition from new, stiff, fancy hat, to old, worn, comfy hat.  Do you dishwasher wash yours, never wash, or washing machine them?

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Hey, pro sports leagues, guys do their ‘roids after the season to get a cycle in before they get back to testing ….can we look into some off-season bloodwork or something?

Stop. Slammertime.

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Bill Simmons wrote a wonderful article on Lebron James – We Are All Witnesses.  Read it if you like basketball in the slightest bit.  {Is it just me, or are more hockey fans one-sport-lovers than any other sport?  I feel like guys who like basketball can like football, or baseball and football, whatever, but people who like hockey like HOCKEY.}

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As a Deadspin article mentioned yesterday, shower beers rule.  Y’know, the nights you’re going out to really tear it up with your friends (see: college), so you bring your beer with you into the shower.  That’s exciting man.  You know it’s gonna be a big night.

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And just like that, we’re done.  Thanks for assisting in the tidy up!

Friday Free-For-All

So, Steven Seagal: Lawman is a real show, huh?  I’m getting a kick out of TV just mailing it in right now.

I long for natural selection.

They’re like, eff it, people just want to stare at their TV and call other people idiots anyways (whether it’s CNN or MTV), so make “Jersey Shore” a show.  And yes, let’s do more seasons of The City and Hills.  MTV, you’re just so good at sucking, any new suggestions?  Bully Beatdown? Tough Love?  It all sounds great.  Get ‘em made.  People will hate it, then watch anyways.  Why?  Because there’s nothing but crap on any channel, dipshit.”

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soooothing....

Readers from earlier this year know I’m a sucker for golf majors.  Like, during The Masters, I have a no-leaving-the-house rule on the weekend. If Tiger somehow botched my weekend with his whole debacle, he’s got bigger problems than a shattered marriage and tarnished public image.  I’m flying to Windemere to finish the job his wife started with that nine-iron.

On another Tiger note – if you’re the girl, are you crazy to let that phone message out, knowing what it’ll do to his wife and family?  Or are you crazy to not accept the money?  Do you have zero obligation to not chuck him under the front wheels of the bus at that point?  I guess bangin’ a married guy sort of eliminates any chance you’re concerned about his wife, huh?

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Looking for reviews on Bud Lights “Golden Wheat”.

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Okay guys, it’s time to talk. 

Say something about it, I dare you...

Bad news….  Most of us are over the mustache thing. 

Sucks right?  They were such a gold mine of humour for so many years.  But too many people are in on the joke now.  And like mullets, some people still rock them despite our culture’s obvious penchant for verbally abusing the owner, so those people can still be the butt-end of a few cookie-duster barbs.  But for the most part… it’s over.  Someone tell George Parros (and I suggest you do it nicely).

(Sidebar – we all agree he rocks the ‘stache just so he can get somebody to talk shit, and thus give himself more chances to justify his role on the team as a fighter, right?)

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So I got thinking, in the wake of Tiger sleeping with more people than Ambien… who are our holy saints now?

Here’s the best of what we got left.  Top three.

Wanna see me comb my hair, really fast?

Third Place: Albert Pujols (as Deadspin pointed out)

It’s amazing that his name hasn’t come up in any steroid allegations for two reasons.  One, he’s built like from-ten-years-ago never-that-popular cartoon character Johnny Bravo.  And two, during the steroid era, all he’s done is hit the stuffing out of the ball, every year, consistently and politely, while winning MVP awards.  But it’s baseball, so I’m less inclined to care (Go Mets!).

Second Place: Lebron James

The homie’s still only 25, but for a man with stature like his, the slate is pretty damn sparkly.

First Place: Sid “I’m taking over Tigers ‘most boring athlete’ title” Crosby

If you found out Sid was up to some dirt, you’d be floored, wouldn’t you?  Anything beyond a speeding ticket from the guy and I’d be completely befuddled.  The carefully cultivated image, the boring-but-proper interviews…. he’s Tiger, minus the mystique.  He really does seem straight up bland.  By the way, is he still living at Lemieux’s, does anyone know?  That’s officially well past acceptable if he is.  Hey, wait a second… maybe Brendan Burke will have some support soon!

[*Note - Blog has been up for two hours, and I've already been dominated by two reader suggestions.  Joe Mauer and Peyton Manning should definitely be on that list.  Or a longer one, at worst.]

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Frrrrrriiiiiiiiiidddddddaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!  And I’m ready to admit it’s almost Christmas.  And almost my birthday.  And still 70 degrees here.  All of which, you may have noticed, are great things.  So have a wonderful weekend, peeps.  Lookin’ forward to the comments!

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{RANDOM LIST: TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

5. A Christmas Carol
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
3. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
2. It’s a Wonderful Life
1. Christmas Vacation}

A Brief Thought on Knuckles

It’s too bad you can’t up and punch people anymore.

"Hahaha, guys, did you see? I toootally rubbed our win in that guys face!"

In our society, things have changed, and largely for the better.  You can’t smoke in bars, we recycle more, and we’re more tolerant of alternative lifestyles.

But you just can’t hit a dude.  And for the most part, that’s too bad.

I can kinda see what’s happened in the NHL happening in real life.  Back when my dad and dad-to-be played in the league, there was a lot less spearing, high-sticking and mouth-running, because you couldn’t get to the “uck” part of the phrase that ends in “you” without taking your first bite of knuckle sandwich.  Guys were held accountable, so they were less likely to flap their gums just to look tough.

Now, the league protects so heavily against guys getting randomly popped, that players spend time after every other whistle getting through a lot more than just ”f*** you” (which is still a clever, intelligent thing to say), because they never have to physically back it up.

And that’s on the ice.

Off the ice, you can’t hit anyone ever.  I think you have to file paperwork at City Hall if two people agree they wanna scrap.  Here’s where I’m going with this:

This is what you get by Googling "club promoter". The law protects these guys from being hit, why?

Why does anyone care that Braylon Edwards might have popped a “club promoter”  (Lebron Jame’s friend) at 2:30 a.m?

Club promoters are the exact type of  people that we need to taste a few flavours of knuckle on a nightly basis anyway.  A guy gets drunk at a club and punches the promoter… and we’re calling that “an alleged assault”?  Can we not devalue the phrase “assault” so much?  That’s an alleged “straightening out of the food chain”, isn’t it?

Lebron is saying that his club promoter friend is “like 130 pounds, it’d be like hitting someones little brother”.  Okay – if you’re 130 pounds, don’t run your mouth to a professional football player, right?  Just a thought.

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As my Facebook status mentioned yesterday, I’m dropping more columns than a bomb at the Parthenon today. (Still only me that thinks thats funny?  My bad).  The following are links to those pieces:

USA Today – A New Season Begins

The Hockey News – Life After Hockey