Aimless, Arbitrary, and Awesome

On a daily basis, I scribble down random thoughts I have and dumb things I do.  Periodically I print a few. This, is a.d.d. at its finest:

A buddy came up with a great way to avoid misleading player stats in hockey, and now it seems so obvious.  Why is points-per-game a stat, when it should be points-per-minute?  Wouldn’t it be easier to dig up diamonds in the rough if you could prove that some kid who scores every tenth game is twice as productive as someone scoring every fourth game, simply because he gets a fraction of the playing time?  Seems like a practical stat, no? 

(Fact: using this simple theory, Sidney Crosby is still nine times as productive as Taylor Pyatt.  In other ground-breaking news, people like ice cream in the summer.)

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Today, I remembered to answer a business call in my most professional voice while driving.  Unfortunately, I didn’t remember that I was pumping “Hot Steppa” in the car.  There’s a chance it detracted from my credibility.

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An expression I recently heard and liked:  “If at first you dont succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you”. 

no she didn't.

An expression I recently saw and loved: 

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I just hate Carlos Mencia so much.  I just watched six hour-long DVD’s on the history of comedy, the pioneers, the classics, the gems.  The fact that he gets mentioned at all on a DVD with so many great names rattles me.  Who does he think he is, acting like he’s doggedly fighting to raise minority awareness or something.  Ha! to that.  He exploits them for a living.  He makes Mexican jokes that appeal to the slower class, and aren’t that clever.  He’s basically Larry the Cable guy without the likability.

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An old joke from the “Make ‘em Laugh – The Business of Comedy” box set that I still love is about the trials and tribulations of Nelson Mandela, who endured 27 years of jail time and torture, to finally get freed to his home and his wife.  Six months later, divorce.  Chris Rock, fake-quoting Mandela:  “I can take beatings, abuse, torture and misery, but I just CAN’T. TAKE. ANY MORE OF THIS WOMAN!”. 

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How important is having a solid pillow?  To phrase it like Seinfeld, who arrre these people who want the squishy, supportless pillow?  They must exist, since hotels strictly cater to these people who clealy enjoy resting their head on a napkin and six feathers. I hope you’re comfortable, because you’re RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US.

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Michael Vick got re-instated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, I assume because he believes that everyone deserves a second chance, except dogs that suck at fighting.  Those we drown permanently.

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What is it about awful pants that’s satisfying the jones for booze in John Daly?  Maybe just feeling like an extremist again?  I hope this new image overhaul is panning out for him, cause I know it’s been a huge pain having to adjust the contrast on my TV everytime him and his pants make a cameo.

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What was so immovable when they built the Houston Astros new stadium that they had to build an uphill slope in centerfield?  An indian burial ground?  Used PED needles from the 90′s?  Maybe hockey teams should look at designing some completely arbitrary features like this.  Maybe a random ramp at one of the blue-lines so guys can do freestyle skiing moves mid breakaway.  Canada would dominate that sport.

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Has anyone heard an interview with the classic band “Spinal Tap”?  Can we get them a radio show or something?

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Jimmy Fallon is money in the late night spot, but it makes me not want to watch when he has to do those awful “commercials” where he holds a Sprint phone up and talks about how and why he loves it for a minute or two.  They have to realize this is a major turn off soon. Embarrassing for Fallon, no?

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I had no idea Hawerchuk was the first to jump on the Lemieux-Gretter ’87 Canada Cup goal pile until I saw a random clip yesterday.  I’m gonna ask him some question about that when he’s at our fantasy camp like “why were you an entire zone behind at the time”?

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There!

That cleans my idea locker out a bit.  What are your thoughts?

"Blog Blog" "Who's There?"

Off the top:

1)  I can’t believe I wrote a blog combining football and religion and didn’t call it “Hail Mary”.                                                                        

 2)  With this blog entry I officially surpass my record for “Combined Words Written Towards One Thing”, a title previously held by “University”.    

3)  The wires are off!  The bands are on.  I scrubbed the individual angora mittens off each tooth, so If I can just learn to talk with a British accent, that should  justify my bottom row…

4)  Cliff from Cheers’ real last name is Ratzenberger.  The Pope’s is Ratzinger.  That’s all I’m saying.

 (DO NOT rule this theory out)

5)  This morning after almost 6 weeks of a wired mouth I put on a hoodie inside-out and backwards. A hoodie backwards, really?  It turns out rock bottom looks like complete darkness and smells like cheap hair product.              

It’s hard to make people feel how you want them to feel.  When someone prefaces a story with “listen to how hilarious this is”, it isn’t.  That’s why stand up comedy has to be so difficult. If the President ad-libs a little pit-a-pat baziiing everyone melts like the wicked witch.  But when you stand in front of a group of people who know it’s coming, you’ve made that bold “I’m hilarious” statement tenfold.  I love stand-up comedy, and think I’m becoming somewhat of a connoisseur of it.  I started going every week in Kelowna during the summer and watching it on tv.  Now I rent as many as possible and buy the keepers.  It’s a difficult art and deserves to be recognized, so here I go.  I’ll save you the sifting through the busts (endless) and give you the comedians that are gold (that I’ve seen. I’m sure there’s many more).  Watching junkers can be fun in person, not so much at home.

Gold:

The single best stand-up comedy routine I’ve seen to date is Jerry Seinfeld’s I’m Telling You For The Last Time.  And it’s clean, a remarkable feat in comedy.  I know some people don’t find Jerry funny, and to be honest, I thought most of his stand up wasn’t any good.  But the idea behind this routine is that he’s retiring all his material and starting from scratch, so this will be the last time he ever tells his best jokes.  So in this hour, on broadway, he does his best bits, the ones he knew were gold, and man, were they ever.  Very PG observational stuff. 

Seven minutes long, worth it if you have some time 

Classics

If you haven’t seen Eddie Murphy’s Delirious or Raw, you’re missing out.  NOT PG, but start to finish funny.  I can’t speak to classics like Rickles, Dangerfield or Pryor just for lack of viewings.  But some of the older stand-ups that were money any time you can catch ‘em are guys like Dennis Leary, George Carlin and Bill Cosby.

Todays Mainstream

Dane Cook is aimed at someone younger than me, and those people LOVE him.  It’s a real turn off.  This guy loves himself like John Mayer.  He never actually says it, but he’s clearly very impressed with himself.  Dave Chapelle does a great job everytime he touches a mic.  He’s one of those guys that doesn’t need great material to be funny, he could read an instruction manual and bust you up.  If you like political humour Bill Maher is aimed at that niche of liberal leaning funny fans.  He’s kind of take-it or leave-it, and for me, it’s great (Dennis Miller is the poor mans version, Lewis Black is better than him).  The complete other side of these guys is those Blue Collar yahoo’s (Foxworthy, Cable Guy, White, Engvall… the last guy is awful).  A lot of fun if you’re into the no-thinking low brow kind of comedy, which is fun at times.  I bet its a blast in person, you could get wrecked and never miss a punchline.  And lastly for mainstream is your black comedy (hey black guys, you can tell a different genre of jokes, watch Murphy and Chapelle).  Katt Williams, Chris Rock and Everyotherblackguy kinda do the same shtick, but those first two do it best.  It’s a laugh a minute, and jokes are every 7 seconds. I still enjoy it.

Hidden Gems

Last Comic Standing is doing a good job of turning people out.  Stars from the show like Ralphie May and Dat Phan are a must see for new stuff.  You really have to like watching stand up to enjoy it I think, but they do it very well.  Just as good or better are newcomers Iliza Shlesinger and Gary Gulman.  You have to stomach a commercial first cause I couldn’t figure out how to embed this one, but you can check out gary doin’ his thing here: http://www.comedycentral.com/videos/index.jhtml?videoId=78446&title=gary-gulman-fig-newtons

So that folks, is my comedy State of the Union address.  If I forgot anyone, or you have someone to recommend to me, drop me a line, I’d love to hear!  Here’s Eastwood trying his hand in Gran Torino: