Reader Stories and Tips For Hillen

If you didn’t catch it, yesterday’s post on my buddy Neil owning me at basketball came with one of the best stories of all-time in the comment section.  I suggest you check out the comment by The Franchise here.

Along that same topic, I’d love more of the same.  I have my stories, and I generally tell them as they happen.  But every person on the planet has “that story” – the one they tell after a couple drinks, or in the utmost comfort of a situation.  The most crazy, “is that really true?” story of their life.  I’d love to hear them.  If you post yours in the comment section, I’ll post mine next week.  My non-hockey one is pretty decent too.  Step your game up.

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Quick thought: who the f**k thought it’d be a good idea to perforate parts of price stickers, so when you go to rip ‘em off, you can’t get a smooth, whole sticker peel?  It has to come off in those frustrating, divided, blood-boiling parts.  Everything in the last ten years has gotten quicker and easier, but stickers, for some reason, need to be twice as binding and in tiny little sections.  If this is the path humanity is heading down, the world is devolving into a fiery hell-hole of evil.

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I bet Iginla thinks Phaneuf is a joke, in every way possible.

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You hear about the Paul Shirley fiasco?  What a shame.  He’s always been good about corresponding with me, giving advice and all that stuff.  I ran an interview with him recently on this very blog.

Shirley writes a column on ESPN The Life about music.  Or rather, he did.

He also runs a website called Flip Collective - a daily compilation of essays from what he deems to be worthy contributors (friends, brother, etc.).  It was on Flip Collective, I believe Tuesday, that he ran his thoughts on the dire situation in Haiti.  To summarize, his point was “they kinda f***ed up by living in crappy conditions on the fault line of tectonic plates in the first place, lets not send them money” – or as a big picture analyst would call it “burning every bridge you’ve ever crossed by being a heartless dick”.

Sorry about the awful language in this post. 

I’m okay with him presenting the idea of “giving with a plan”, but most of it comes off as pretty insensitive.

Anyways – for a summation of the events, check out Deadspin.  They’re all over any drama they can get their condescending keyboards on, as per usual.

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Jack Hillen is out 6 to 8 weeks with a broken jaw.  A few quick tips for Jack, from a guy who knows:

*Campbells makes “Soup at Hand” – just over a minute in the microwave, and plenty of noodle-less flavours to drink.  You WILL develop an aversion to all smooth foods eventually, so enjoy ‘em now.

*Don’t try to blend solid foods into liquid.  I tried Hamburger Helper, chicken noodle soup, cheesecake (see page bottom), you name it.  It never turns out well, as many times as I lied to myself.

*To keep weight on, I made ridiculous blended shakes.  After the fruit, juice and yogurt base, I was adding protein powder, oatmeal, peanut butter, eggs, you name it… all at once.  If you can force it down, it’s for your own good.

*Carnation instant breakfast is a nice change from all the Boosts and Ensures you’ll be chugging.

*Enjoy the delicious liquid painkiller.  Chasing food with a shot of percaset makes it allll better, buddy.

*You have to stare at the TV forever, so you might as well learn some shit.  I watched documentaries galore (and lots of stand-up comedy, just to feel positive about something).  But the best thing you can do, is have a box-set to watch.  As this blog recently discussed, Lost, 24, Dexter, Entourage, whatever — just be sure to keep lots of entertainment nearby.

*Puzzles.  Board games.  Stuff you thought you’d never do again.

*Take a page from Louis CK, and hate random people for no reason.  Just sit there and actively hate them, even though they don’t deserve it.  “Positive thinking” is for hippies.  Your situation blows.

*Blog.  You should start writing a blog.  It can be a career option if the whole hockey thing doesn’t work out.  Okay, “career” is an overstatment.  But it’s cathartic!

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Okay, time to tidy the place for the in-laws.  They’ll be so glad to get out of NY this time year, to Arizona where it’s…… raining.  Damnit.