Aimless, Arbitrary, and Awesome

 

On a daily basis, I scribble down random thoughts I have and dumb things I do.  Periodically I print a few. This, is a.d.d. at its finest:

 

A buddy came up with a great way to avoid misleading player stats in hockey, and now it seems so obvious.  Why is points-per-game a stat, when it should be points-per-minute?  Wouldn’t it be easier to dig up diamonds in the rough if you could prove that some kid who scores every tenth game is twice as productive as someone scoring every fourth game, simply because he gets a fraction of the playing time?  Seems like a practical stat, no? 

(Fact: using this simple theory, Sidney Crosby is still nine times as productive as Taylor Pyatt.  In other ground-breaking news, people like ice cream in the summer.)

*****

Today, I remembered to answer a business call in my most professional voice while driving.  Unfortunately, I didn’t remember that I was pumping “Hot Steppa” in the car.  There’s a chance it detracted from my credibility.

*****

An expression I recently heard and liked:  “If at first you dont succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you”. 

An expression I recently saw and loved: 

 

 

 

 

 

*****

 

I just hate Carlos Mencia so much.  I just watched six hour-long DVD’s on the history of comedy, the pioneers, the classics, the gems.  The fact that he gets mentioned at all on a DVD with so many great names rattles me.  Who does he think he is, acting like he’s doggedly fighting to raise minority awareness or something.  Ha! to that.  He exploits them for a living.  He makes Mexican jokes that appeal to the slower class, and aren’t that clever.  He’s basically Larry the Cable guy without the likability.

*****

An old joke from the “Make ‘em Laugh – The Business of Comedy” box set that I still love is about the trials and tribulations of Nelson Mandela, who endured 27 years of jail time and torture, to finally get freed to his home and his wife.  Six months later, divorce.  Chris Rock, fake-quoting Mandela:  “I can take beatings, abuse, torture and misery, but I just CAN’T. TAKE. ANY MORE OF THIS WOMAN!”. 

*****

How important is having a solid pillow?  To phrase it like Seinfeld, who arrre these people who want the squishy, supportless pillow?  They must exist, since hotels strictly cater to these people who clealy enjoy resting their head on a napkin and six feathers. I hope you’re comfortable, because you’re RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US.

*****

Michael Vick got re-instated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, I assume because he believes that everyone deserves a second chance, except dogs that suck at fighting.  Those we drown permanently.

*****

What is it about awful pants that’s satisfying the jones for booze in John Daly?  Maybe just feeling like an extremist again?  I hope this new image overhaul is panning out for him, cause I know it’s been a huge pain having to adjust the contrast on my TV everytime him and his pants make a cameo.

*****

What was so immovable when they built the Houston Astros new stadium that they had to build an uphill slope in centerfield?  An indian burial ground?  Used PED needles from the 90′s?  Maybe hockey teams should look at designing some completely arbitrary features like this.  Maybe a random ramp at one of the blue-lines so guys can do freestyle skiing moves mid breakaway.  Canada would dominate that sport.

*****

Has anyone heard an interview with the classic band “Spinal Tap”?  Can we get them a radio show or something?

****

Jimmy Fallon is money in the late night spot, but it makes me not want to watch when he has to do those awful “commercials” where he holds a Sprint phone up and talks about how and why he loves it for a minute or two.  They have to realize this is a major turn off soon. Embarrassing for Fallon, no?

*****

I had no idea Hawerchuk was the first to jump on the Lemieux-Gretter ’87 Canada Cup goal pile until I saw a random clip yesterday.  I’m gonna ask him some question about that when he’s at our fantasy camp like “why were you an entire zone behind at the time”?

*****

There!

That cleans my idea locker out a bit.  What are your thoughts?

I’m 6’3″, 200, I Swear

 

Here’s a comment/question from reader Far North:  

“A player who was listed as 6’3″, 200 pounds on last year’s college roster  is listed as 6’2,” 175 pounds by his new NHL team.  I’ve stood next to enough college players to think that the roster stats are often optimistic.  Does this continue at the higher levels?  Are NHL teams required to report those things accurately?”

The craziest thing about height measurement, in my experience, is that there’s no uniform, standard procedure for doing it, even in the NHL.  It’s like a slightly upgraded version of a mom putting notches on the wall as her kid grows.

My favourite year was the one in college where they measured us using the advanced clipboard-on-head method, followed by the measuring of that mark.  The guy taking the measurements that particular year was all of about 5’8″, so all the clipboards had a nice uphill slant to them.  I literally had to call the athletic administration to tell them not to list me at 6’3″, because I figured scouts would notice I wasn’t, and label me full-of-shit before I even had the chance to prove them right (I’m 6’1 and a half, but was always listed at 6’2″). 

But every year, in a split second, your height and weight were both measured and permanent, to be splashed on a dozen websites, in programs, on scouting reports, wherever.  All the guys tried to drink about a gallon of water (literally) the morning of the weigh-in, as to appear more muscle-dense.  I actually played with a defensemen who was drafted that was told to “beef up” in the off-season, so he literally had two 2.5 pound weights hidden on him for weigh-in (they didn’t make us strip down in college like they do in pro either, which is nice - wearing jeans tacks on at least a pair of crucial l.b.’s).

It’s probably just the lack of thorough measuring in college that leads to the misrepresentation of height and weight.  They want the guys to look bigger to increase their chances of moving on too, as it looks good on the program.  Once you’re in the NHL, there’s no advantage in lying about your size – results are finally what matters, not potential, so you tend to see a more honest representation of size (even though there are in fact no rules governing truth in advertising).

But sure enough, at Islander camp, in Hershey, wherever;  you simply took your shoes off and stood against a wall with heights on it.  I always managed to get my heels just that half-inch of the floor to make the 6’2″ mark.  Nobody cared (MLIA).

*****

 There’s only one other thing I want to write about for today, and it’s of crucial importance to me.  I have a neat opportunity to contribute to the USA Today’s online hockey section, so starting today, I’m writing an occasional blog (every week or so) on a profile there.  If all goes well, it could be a great thing for the other sites I write for as well, bringing more credibility to what I do, while helping increase readership.

Basically, it would be in my best interest if the blog did well there, so please, if you’re an avid Bourne’s Blog reader, click THIS LINK and feel free to contribute a positive comment or two.  The article is a more current re-packaging of my piece  ”A Love-Hate Relationship With Hockey” , and has a link on the main USA Today hockey page, www.nhl.usatoday.com (thanks to those of you who commented already – minor technical difficulties at USA Today have meant I’ve had to re-post the article, and lose the early comments).  Turns out there is hope in this writing world…

Exercising Two Legs and One Finger

 

I’m feeling refreshed and alive today people.

I finally soaked in a little vitamin D in the midst of this gorgeous Kelowna summer we’ve been having (gorgeous, just no fires allowed.  Also, no: smoking, rubbing sticks together or dragons allowed in the park).  We chucked together a surprise birthday party for one of my best friends yesterday, Dave Cunning (www.davecunning.wordpress.com).  A few of us headed out for little evening of wakeboarding, swimming and Ogopogo hunting.

It reminded me of a little hockey nugget I thought I’d share, cause this is the type of thing not all hockey fans are around to hear: 

Scott Hannan, a Kelowna resident, genuinely claimed that he stopped doing leg workouts a few summers back, because wakeboarding was his new workout.  I know it’s a leg burn, but it isn’t squatting 315 pounds 12 times.

The guy consistently showed up to skate minutes before we went out, fully equipped with his crazy long hair, uber-summer tan, and surfer-dude mentality.  Kinda strikes me as more of a “minus-five SPF-oil guy” than the “concerned-about-melanoma’s type”.

Not that I’m hear to pass judgement, but I’m not so sure his career has been heading in the right direction since I heard him say that.  But then again, maybe I should withhold criticizing his regimine.  Things have gone pret-ty decent for him over his 10 years or so in the league.

*****

So… I stepped on the ice for about the third time since December last night.  The good news is, I’m still a decent player.  What wasn’t great, is that I’m in roughly the same shape as John Candy was while shooting ”Uncle Buck”.  I drove home looking worse than Nick Nolte before a mug shot.  I can’t imagine playing contact hockey (which, for those of you who don’t know, is only about 80 times as tiring as non-contact). 

But still, I got thinking… “yeah… yeah… I could figure this game out again real quick-like.  I’ve been getting some calls from teams for next year, maybe I’ll just whip my ass back into shape…”

And then I took the heel-end of a stick across my mustache, and starting planning my next blog.

 

Dear Hockey,

F. you too.

Love,

Bourne.

Advantages in Hockey

 

In sports, being slightly better has major advantages.

As Malcolm Gladwell discussed in “Outliers”, a huge percentage of NHL hockey players were born in January, February, and March.

The reason for this is as follows: At the age where we start separating kids into the ”elite” and “for fun” groups, we separate the advanced kids from the ones who do stuff like re-tape their stick without peeling off the previous layer (if you’re reading this, and you do that, feel free to feel some shame).  At eight years old, a kid born in January has had a lot more time to develop than the nearly-eight-year-old born in December, yet the kids play the same “year” of hockey.

So, the older, probably bigger kid makes the cut – in turn, he gets more ice times, better coaching, and plays with better kids (I literally summed up 100 pages of Gladwell in four really long sentences).

He gets better, and next year, the gap between him and that kid born in December is wider (fine, five).  And now the December kid has started wearing yellow laces and taping his stick with multi-colour fun-tape.  It’s not okay.

Thus, that slight advantage snowballs into major gains for the early-year birth (which sports-obsessed fathers have become keenly aware of. There are plenty of Dad’s trying to time the early-year birth these days).

So, in the same spirit, I thought I’d mention how players in the higher professional leagues enjoy an advantage to those players trying to work from the bottom up (and I don’t mean the millions of dollars and groupies).

This is meant to be aside from the smaller advantages, which add up in their own right: unlimited sticks, so they’re always crisp.  Better medical and training staffs.  Flights over buses.  Better meals.

The advantage is that it’s actually easier to think and play in higher leagues.

As you move higher in the ranks, your teammates have better hockey smarts.  They tend to play their position, they tend to stay in their lane.  You know you can trust that they’ll be where they’re supposed to be, and it’s easier to play (no-look a pass to the point in the ECHL and you might be icing the puck into your own zone).

This is why NHL fans see a lot of AHL players come up, play fine, not hurt the team, but never stick – it’s actually easier to think the game when it’s more controlled, as the higher leagues are.

They don’t stick because, any half-decent player can fit into a system and do fine, especially when everyone is doing their part properly.  In the NHL, and AHL, if you aren’t doing something on top of what the teams system is, you’re expendable.

Returning to the ECHL after spending time in the “A” feels like you’ve gone back to play in your high school gym class’s ball hockey game.  The entire pack of people seems to chase the ball.

But the league is extremely talented… don’t get me wrong.

People assume the NHL is comprised of the most talented players – it’s really just the most talented that managed to avoid the idiot gene.

What this means is, there are plenty of players that are just as talented, but sadly, did get beaten with the genetic idiot stick.

And what that also means, is that for a lot of ECHL’ers (or CHL’ers, SPHL’ers…) trying to move up the ranks, you’re trying to figure out where Gretzky the Clown on your line is headed to next.

This is a unique problem that a guy like Kyle Okposo will rarely have to deal with (I say rarely, because he did get stuck with me as a linemate for a weekend), whereas some kid playing in “the Coast” trying to prove himself to scouts can end up minus three simply by having brain-dead linemates.

I played with a number of kids who must have had promise in junior, because they had been signed to three-year NHL deals out of junior (sidenote: all these kids get the same contract now – can we not flip Tavares an extra 20 bucks for helping the Isles sell 53,000 jerseys?).

Frankly, a lot of them (most?) weren’t very good.  But by signing that deal, it gave them the time at a high level in a more controlled game to develop their talents – an opportunity not afforded those who weren’t ahead of the game by junior.  The good thing for them is, the organization is invested in them, and doesn’t want those contracts to look like bad decisions. 

Bowling for Kneecaps

 

Hockey fans, a general inquiry from a player, to you:

Why, oh why, do you all love short players so much?

Why does being 5’6″ guarantee any player an instant, devoted following?

My father was been widely cited as the “fastest skater of his era” – a nice quote considering he played during the Gretzky days with teammates like Bossy and Trottier.

It’s one of his favourite rants:  Shorter players look like they’re working twice as hard as tall guys, because their little legs have to pump more reps to keep up with us long-legged folk.  And people see the increased reps, and say things like “that little guy just never stops working”.

At 6’4″, it takes a tad more effort to get one of those stems up-and-through than it does when you’ve got the legs of a Pembroke Corgi.  We’re working here too, alright?  We’re trying.

Every year at fitness testing, there’s some kid with T-Rex arms that can do 45 pull-ups and only stops because the trainers like “fine, fine, we get it, enough”.

They aren’t skating faster, they just have really short legs!

I get that fans like to watch them play physical – as a taller guy, you always want to thump that little bastard that’s running around like a possessed bowling ball, but the odds of running over a guy with a lower center of gravity than a flat-side-down bosu-ball is unlikely.

Of course, all sports are, to quote Al Pacino “a game of inches”.  Two guys reach to poke the puck, or a forward drags his leg to stay onside, whatever.  The small guys are disadvantaged there.  So sure, love them, they do have a few little hurdles to jump.

Just do us lanky-leggers a favour:  Don’t say they’re working harder.  And don’t applaud the (rare) small guy who (lacks respect and) goes low (fans love the front-flip after a sub-hit, but half my college team would give their left one for the chance to beat the piss out of Nick Licari from Wisconsin.  And unlike fighting, low hits don’t come with smiles and respect at the bar).

Do you know how hard it is to co-ordinate 15 miles of limbs?  I’m not even quite at the 6’2″ line and it took me to 20 before I could get them working in the same direction.

So why, hockey fans? 

Where’s the love for the gangletrons? 

Cheering for the small guy is like being a Yankees fan.  How’s that beaten path feel under your crocs?

*****

* The final piece of my series “A Hockey Players Life” for Max Hockey.com is up on their site, or it can simply be found as the latest article under the Max Hockey.com button at the top of this page.

Crucial Asparagus Related Information

 

Are “I’m with stupid” shirts officially the calling card of the socially oblivious?

It seems as fads come and go, there comes a time where everybody sort of agrees “yeah, for sure, No Fear shirts totally do suck”.

For some poor soul to head out for a day downtown with this never-that-funny, definitely-not-now tee on, it makes me want to help.  Even it’s supposed to be ironic.

It’s sole, redeeming quality?  It probably pioneered the sequence of “You looked better on MySpace” and “Your Mom’s in my Top 8″ tee’s that made me laugh, one time each, five years ago.  Props.

*****

Alright, f**k it, I like Twitter.

There, I said it.

I don’t feel good about it.  I’m not smiling while I tweet, proud of being involved in a nauseatingly sweet social device.  I fought it.  I planted my feet in the flood like the Trees in the Lord of the Rings, but I got swept away.

I only follow 19 people, but I can’t wait to see what Bill Simmons, Fitzy GFY and Shaq have to say on the daily (actually, not Shaq, he think’s he’s a bunch more funny than he is).

It combines a potential laugh with narcissistic indulgence.  Who wouldn’t want to know I made the best asparagus tonight?

I’m not saying its a good thing.  In fact, I could do with out BarackObama letting me know which representatives to write to influence legislation.  But I definitely see a place in the world for Bill Simmons tweeting about soccer:

“sportsguy33 Third great save of the half by Tim Howard! He’s sooooooo getting laid by Lindsay Lohan when he gets back to the States.”

 ”sportsguy33 Are the announcers worried that if they admit that was a goal it will somehow put US troops in danger?”

Or, my own musings:

“jtbourne I like to touch as many things as possible on the subway to really put my immune system through a good workout.”

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?”

*****

 On July 1st (Canada Day!), free agent signings will be out of control, providing me with ample material to break down.  Stick with me, I’ll provide some commentary as it happens. 

No doubt I’ll be providing factual, non-judgemental musings.  You know how I do.

Two – Spit Detroit

 

The fact of the matter is, Osgood is outplaying Fleury, and Detroit plays the best team defense I think I’ve ever seen.  They look like the Devils during the trap and smother days, but they do it without making fans feel like they ordered the Nyquil Big Gulp from the concession stand.

Random thought: Can Babcock win the Conn Smythe?

I gotta say, I loved seeing Malkin realize he was 6’4″ and give Zetterberg a little scare at the end of the game.  I can promise you, guys in the Red Wings room are dying laughing about Zetterberg engaging with Malkin, even throwing punches, but leaving one glove on.  If I may Don Cherry up this blog a bit, that really is something only a European player would do.

I’m pre-frustrated for the “Sid has been shut down” coverage that’s coming.  Sid was a flurry of skates and will, creating a couple great chances: Walking out from behind the net and hitting the inside post; feeding Guerin for a one-time in front that rattled off the inside post; slicing through the D at mach speed and throwing a quick snapper that Osgood kicksaved like only Billy Ranford could… he’s still damn near everywhere.

I made a comment to my Dad today, something to effect of “how long can they count on fourth liners for offense?” in regards to Detroit, but apparently they can do it all the way to the Cup.  Abdenflavour, or whatever that kids name is, is shooting rabbits feet with horseshoes I think.  That, or Fleury is single-handedly crushing the entire city of Pittsburgh.  Either or.

Zetterberg is making game changing, Stanley Cup earning plays, like drapping himself across the goal-line to stop Sid from making it 2-2 in the third, right before Allenskater scored to make it 3-1.  TSN turning point. 

Big game coming up in Pitt – here’s to hoping for a long series.

Friends and fam – I’m sans cell phone ’til I get to the States to buy a new one, probably on Friday.  I finally had to take Old Yeller behind the shed and thank it for the memories.

Round Three

 

Alright everyone, conference finals!

Despite being down to one game a night, I’ll still be in a committed relationship with my Sharp Aquos.  Here’s what I see going down in part three of Stanley’s Saga:

(2)Detroit Red Wings vs. (4) Chicago Blackhawks

I. Am. Pumped about this series.  It could be a wonderful thriller - but here’s my concern:

It may not be that close. 

For those of you who watch basketball, the defending camps are the Boston Celtics.  This year, they’re minus KG and in general, not very good.  But they keep that win-train packed with coal and cruise along nonetheless, because they’ve won before.  You really do grow more comfortable in difficult situations when you’ve been through it before.

The Red Wings have the same knowledge and comfort, with the small difference that they’re really good.  And well coached.

The hawks are well coached too, but man, do they seem fragile.  Did anybody watch the interviews by the young guns talking about this series?  These guys seemed more vulnerable than Luongo in a big game (ooooo, totally kidding Canucks fans, just thought I’d try to alienate another fan base).

The Hawks only chance to win is to get off to a great start in the series.  If they fall behind, I don’t see them having the confidence to make the same bounce-back they did in the last round.

Sometimes when you know you’re up against a better team, the guys on the lesser team - when it’s just them and a buddy - will openly admit “we’re f***ed”.

Wings in five.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (6)Carolina Whalers

Dear Matt (and the rest of the Canes fan),

Granted, your team had Ron Francis, the least-celebrated great player in NHL history (I dare anyone to argue that).

Beyond him, as you know, I find your team inherently unlikeable.  I started out by refusing to comment on whatever series they were involved in.  But now they’re in a third one.  Sigh…

If they win the cup, I vow to write a long, scintillating piece for The Hockey News on how awesome they are, scintillation not included.  Any other result… and I plan to continue to drag them through the mud.  I just can’t help it.

Sincerely,

jb

This series:

Sadly, the Canes are nicely tailored for playoff hockey.  The good news is, they were nicely tailored for playoff hockey in 90′s.

Yes, again, I will be betting against Carolina.  It’s like “The Secret” – if I just keep sending out what I want, it will come to me.  Did I reference “The Secret”?  Yes.  That’s how desperately I want Pittsburgh to win.

Fancy-pants Malkin is gonna wake up, and Sid is going to produce less, but regardless, he’s still a constant threat.

This series goes six, with the  Pens taking it in front of Benedict Cower (or was it Bill?), and when that happens, I won’t have to carve my name next to “Brooks was here”.

Root For The Rangers? Will Do.

 

A few round recaps, followed by a few rant hash-outs.  Enjoy.

(2) Les Capitales vs (7) New Stupid York

(Prediction: Washington   Series: NYR 3-1)

In general, my predictions have made me look like I sort of know what I’m talking about.  I’m up or tied in most of my series.  Sadly, in a moment of weakness, I picked the Capitals to win the cup.  I’m not selling out on them.  They can still do this. 

But times are dire.  Down 3-1, I’m facing the obvious fact that my Ovi-awe may have skewered my vision.  Are they tough enough?  Do they have the goaltending?  Probably not.  But dude.  Ovi is sooooo good.

(1) Beantown vs (8) Montreal

(Prediction: Boston   Series: Boston wins series, 4-0)

I’m not sure which Montreal d-man it was that set up Boston’s Michael Ryder for the one-timer right down broadway, but I wouldn’t be suprised to hear he was found downtown with his jersey tied around his neck and a fleur-de-lis up his you-know-where.  That was exactly how you would want someone to set the puck up if you were in the hardest shot contest.  Yikes.

(4) Blackhawks vs. (5) Flames

(Prediction: Blackhawks   Series: Tied, 2-2)

What a roller coaster. 

That was one of those games that fans love to watch (5-4, wow!) and coaches hate.  A turnover laden debacle, this game had more bad plays than off-broadway. 

While Calgary tried their hardest to let Chicago grab the game, the ‘hawks never stepped up.  Even after blowing three leads (2-1 in game one, 2-0 in game two, 4-1 in game four), the Flames have held on to make it a good series.  And by good, I mean there’s a chance we may get to see Iginla finally blow that gasket that we can all plainly see is under a heightening amount of pressure, and we might get to see someone commit the world’s first actual on-ice murder. 

 Chicago is likable and chalk full of talent; they even seem to have that extra bit of edge (and if I may say something Don Cherryesque), that good amount of Canadian playoff style to go with their talent.  They’re just so young, it’s tough to know if they’ll realize their potential.  But if I’m Jim Cramer from Mad Money, I’m pointing you towards Chicago’s stock and yelling “Buy! Buy! Buy!” 

Let’s hope we don’t see them go bye bye bye.

(Playoff Prediction Record: 2-0)

*****

Okaaayyy, okay, that’s a lot of hockey coverage lately.  I’m still super into it (it’s just heating up) but here’s a little lighter fare for readers who don’t drool on their baggy couch clothes the second the Hockey Night in Canada song comes on (or the second whatever-it-is-that-Versus-plays comes on for my deprived American friends).

Lemme switch gears:

1)  You know how sometimes you’re watching TV at someone else’s house and the volume is wrong?  You stew on it.  It eats at you.  Something needs to be said.  “Hey, would you mind turning the volume up a bit?”

Inevitably, someone hits the up button like a half dozen times.  Now it’s too loud.  And you can’t be a complete dick and correct their correction.  That’s just being demanding.  I wanna know… what is wrong with the double-button-push?  If other people are watching television with you, and not complaining, the volume couldn’t have been too far off.  Two in either direction can make things right, I promise.  Which brings me to my next point.

2)  Old(er) people:  I understand that your hearing goes a bit as you get older.  You like the TV louder, but for some reason, the radio quieter.  I’m not getting into that now.

But in movies, the volume will fluctuate.  People whisper.  Theres car chases.  Guns.  Tender moments.  Not everything is meant to be heard on the same plane.  It adds to the intensity of dramatic moments, and to the sincerity of quiet ones. 

I feel like every time I let an elder run the remote for a movie and someone whispers, we need a TV extension to read how far the volume bar stretches across the screen.  Just a thought: triple digit volume is never necessary.  Nothing better than the transition from the whisper to the car crash at volume higher than Courtney Love.  I like that ringing sound to last for hours.

3)  Speaking of asking people for moderate favours, is there any bigger f-you response than “will do”?  Is there any chance anybody is actually following through, taking notes on, or even thinking of that thought again after saying “will do”?

“Say hi to your folks”  … “Will do”

“Call me on the weekend!” …  “Will do”

“Dismiss me in the most demeaning way possible without using any unkind words”  …   “Will do!”

4)  Phew, long rant.  Here’s an observation:  I enjoy my tuna sashimi (the observation is coming). 

On the east coast, it has a nice dark pink colour, with little segmenty deals in each slice.  On the west, it’s a light flesh colour – equally delicious, but totally different.  So, um… yeah.

Round. Freaking. One.

 

Isles got the first pick!  Isles got the first pick!  John Tavares: welcome aboard, son.  On with the post-season preview:

__________________________________________________

‘Twas the night before playoffs, and all across the league, the analysts vote Flames, despite young Kris Versteeg…

*Predictions in bold

(4) Chicago vs. (5) Calgary

Really only addressing this series first because “Versteeg” rhymed with “league”.

You know when you start filtering things through your own bias, how you can convince yourself there’s no way you’re wrong?  This is what happens when I make sports predictions.  The second I decided the Chicago Blackhawks were going to win this series, it became painfully obvious.  Here’s why:

Teams, like relationships, are either getting better, or worse.  Whether it be chemistry, luck, or just some subtle change, like adding vinegar to baking soda, a switch gets flipped.  The Flames are in disarray.  Phaneuf is still googling a funny comeback to Avery’s comment, Rene Bourque will still be carrying the mandatory post-injury piano, and I’m still mad at the Flames for letting Tampa Bay win a Stanley Cup – thanks for that.

Anyways, the Blackhawks are getting better.  They have young studs who’ll be near impossible to wear down, solid goaltending, and d-men that are capable of making solid, quick first passes out of the d-zone, which gives them a quick transition game.  The Flames are making their way back from injuries, but it always takes a few games to get the rust off.  Flames, extinguished.

(1) Bruins vs. (75th) Habs

Okay, they finished eighth. 

I’m jacked for this series.  Expect it to look how playoffs are meant to be played, that pace that, even as a player watching the start of the game from the bench you go “wow, there’s no way the pace can stay this high”.  The Boston Bruins played 82 games this year, and sport a loss column that reads 19.  Les Habitants will give ‘em a good push, but the B’s aren’t going to get beaten 4 times in the next seven, as awesome as the fans in the Bell Centre are.

(1) Sharks vs. (8) Ducks

The NHL only puts just over half of their teams in the playoffs, 16.  This means that these are all above average teams.  When you account for injuries and other circumstances, a teams final record is probably plus or minus five for a margin of error, in terms of describing how good a team they really are.  I think the Ducks are better than their record shows, but they aren’t good enough to take four from the San Jose Sharks (loses? 18.).

The Sharks are frickin dynamite, but it still periodically befuddles me that a teal team from San Jose, California is a legit cup threat… I guess they are.

(2) Washington Capitals vs. (7) New York Rangers

Anyone who saw the sea of red in DC last year knows they aren’t going to lose to the Rangers.  The Washington Capitals are cup contenders, a team that had a good playoff experience last year, a load of firepower, and too much going for them to worry about the ever dysfunctional Rangers.

I’d be suprised if the Caps did anything but walk into MSG, dispose of the Rangers, and wait for round two.  Maybe Theodore isn’t a premier goalie these days, but New York is basically a team with only one line to shut down – a good line, sure, but if you had to take a first line off one of these playoff teams to start a team with, any chance you’d wanna start it with names like Avery and Zherdev?

(2) Red Wings vs. (7) Blue Jackets

What’s going to be frustrating for the pesky Blue Jackets, is figuring out that you can spend a whole year trying to eek into playoffs, and a team like the perennial contending Detroit Red Wings can swat you in under a week.

It’s so hard to just make playoffs, and the teams that grind for so long to make the cut often lack the foresight that teams that made the playoffs in January have.  The Blue Jackets will not survive their encounter in Hockeytown.

(3) New Jersey Devils vs. (6) Carolina Hurricanes

This series is on my “do not watch list”, simply because the other options are so tantilizing, and the Hurricanes continually have okay talent in a non-hockey town with mediocre jerseys and do well.  Stop it.

Oh, and the New Jersey Devils have… let me check my notes… Martan Brodure?  Cam Ward is no slouch, to be sure, but I’m ready for the Stall brothers to form a baseball team and go away or something, God I’m sick of them.  Why doesn’t somebody like Ovi have a plethora of brothers, even Okposo, just someone with some flair?

(3) Vancouver Canucks vs. (6) St. Louis Blues

First off, let me boldify Vancouver Canucks before everyone in B.C. boycotts my blog.

I think it was a tough break for Van to end up with the Blues, teams don’t end up with crazy good records in the second half by chance, so clearly, they’ve found something that makes them click.

The good news for the Canuckleheads, is that they’ve been hotter than Marisa Miller down the stretch themselves.  Okay, that was hyperbole; they’ve been hot. (why do I know that’s the only comment Bri will bring up from this whole bit?)

In the end, good goaltending - as the cliche goes - wins championships, and the Canucks have the leagues best.  I expect the dangerous (and sexually questionable) Sedins to have some of the pressure taken off them by the Sundin line, a line that won’t be facing the Blues top defensive pair.  They should be able capitalize on that, and hopefully give the Canucks a little boost.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Philadelphia Flyers

How long can the Flyers be an elite team without being the leagues best?  They’ve been in playoffs seemingly every year, and never as the last seed.  They’re always good, a major threat from the Eastern Conference… but never good enough.

Briere is one the most dangerous forwards in the league.  He can do a scary amount of smart, quick, creative things, and man can he finish.  If you put Luongo (hell, even Fleury) on Philly how scary would they be?

Crosby is an elite kid that takes a beating, and say what you want about his crying, he takes it to the hoop the next shift, and the next shift, and the next shift…  Then they have the leagues leading scorer, a goalie primed to come into his own, and a new found leader in Bill Guerin, a guy you want to play for.  I’m praying we get to see Pitt and Washington, Boston -  New Jersey… there’s some classics to come.  The Pittsburgh Penguins will prevail in a series that’ll go at least six.

 

So that’s that hockey fans!  My dumb two cents on the weeks to come.  I realize I didn’t exactly roll the dice on too many of those, but those are my thoughts, take ‘em or leave ‘em.  I just wrote my next THN piece about why the first round is the best – because bluntly, it is.  I’ll post that link when they post the bit.  Enjoy the playoffs, no dinner-at-the-table for weeks yaaayyyyy!

The Sporting Climax Approaches

 

The sports world is heating up isn’t it?

As I sit here holding down my couch springs while loving round two of March Madness (aka Gamblers Paradise), I can’t help but get excited for the weeks to come. 

The Masters?  The freakin Masters??  If you aren’t aware of my obsession, here’s an earlier stream-of-consciousness blog:   http://jtbourne.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/why-i-love-the-masters/ .  I just saw a commercial:  “Amen Corner…     Where you pray, to survive.”  Tigers back… Phil is hot… I can’t even deal with it.

The NHL playoff race is thick right now.  There’s 20+ teams with legitimate playoff hopes, so we get treated to playoff intensity early.  And as much as everyone loves the finals, the first round has to be my favourite.  Four great games every night, anything can happen, and lots to bet on, including “who can claim the most-vague injury”.  I’m staight giddy for night number one.

Oh, and did you notice the NBA is headed down the stretch too?  I need Lebron to win a title and be the Tiger of the NBA, where they’re just too. damn. good. to question.  Even baseball is getting started, and the Mets have K-Rod; maybe I won’t have to threaten violent assaults on their bullpen this year.

The college hockey tournament gets started in a week too, with the Frozen Four the same weekend as The Masters.  It’ll be an amazing tournament like it is every year, despite the notable absence of my alma mater, the University of Alaska Anchorage Seawolves, who were “upset” by the Denver Pioneers 3-2 and 4-3, thus eliminating the fellas, and starting the mandatory post-post-season college bender.  My liver recoils at the memories.

Shout out to my linemate and road roommate from my senior year, Paul Crowder.  After his third season with Seapups, he just signed with the New York Rangers… maybe you’ve heard of them?  Paul you owe me money, I made you.  No?  Okay probably not.

Please soak in the below picture of Paul and I hooking up for a powerplay goal, with the rival Fairbanks (possibly fat) d-man turning in misery, with the ref doing the goal point.  Ye-he-hesss.

Either way, fun times ahead.  People get chunky over the holiday’s and try to start getting fit in the new year.  This is my holidays; I reserve the right to gain a wee beer belly before focusing on tidying up my flesh for summer.   After April, what’s the next thing you care about in sports?  I literally can’t think of one, which means I’ll have to get outside, thank heavens.

So get on your sweats, clean the dust off the TV and get involved.  Maybe join a gambling website.  Maybe write me and propose a bet.  I don’t quite deal in Charley Barkley dollars, but I’ll bet on anything, if I can tinker with the odds.  What are Bourne’s Blog readers most excited about in the upcoming weeks?  I bet I can guess….

[polldaddy poll=1475325]

Highlights

 

No game provides a better highlight package than hockey.

Even ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports (that they carry) sneaks a minimum of four hockey highlights into SportsCenters top ten, despite not being able to devote a hot eight seconds of actual coverage of the sport during the rest of the show.  The bastards.

In all other sports, you can only go as fast as your feet can take you, and though it can be hard to deal with catching and throwing while moving at top speed, it’s not total chaos (can we teach Usain Bolt to catch and wear a Jets uniform yet?). 

Sometimes you take a few crossovers in hockey and are suprised to find you’re suddenly moving mach six.  You get that reckless feeling and start looking for someone to mow over; you can’t waste that speed.

Adrenaline, sharp skates and hard ice are a dangerously fun equation.

Football is the closest rival.  A good throw, a great catch, a big hit; it all makes for a nice package.  But everything starts from scrimmage and has a plan.  Basketball and baseball have amazing plays, but they don’t allow many opportunities for something totally different.  It’s all the alley-oop dunk, three-pointer or block; the outfield diving catch or the double play.  Thanks, seen it.

Every broken play in hockey can become something great.  There’s rarely a moment where you can send a text mid-play, like between pitches, between plays, while the ball is being walked upcourt or during the 53rd timeout. 

A hockey highlight package is a quick, intense smorgasbord that goes something like: dipsy-doodle dangle, back door tap-in.  Rockin’ glove save, some guy gets blown up in the corner and yard sales his gear across the ice.  Breakaway,  Fight.  Short-handed odd-man rush. Kick-save, shoot-out, bar-down.com, game winner, thanks for playing.

I’m ragingly biased, sure.  But come on.  Check out my roommate last year tying up the game in the last minute.  That’s exciting stuff.

Speaking of goals, I can’t let this bit go that I found on Townie News.com awhile ago…

Former NHLer Randy Moller calls the Panthers games on the radio, and took calls on the Dan Le Batard show, looking for suggestions on how he could spice up his goal calls.  Fans called in, and stuffed him full of more pop culture references than SNL, taking lines from shows like Wedding Crashers and 30 Rock.  Check it check it:

 

 

Okay, new topic:  Are we done with the commercials offering  “bailouts”?  It’s a “taste bailout” from Domino’s.  It’s a “wallet bailout” from Subway.  The people at the Mattress Ranch are offering to bailout my lower lumbar.  I see what you’re doing, and thanks, but I think it’s safe to say that horse is dead.

Annnyyyways, tomorrow morning my piece on surviving the locker room is up on www.thehockeynews.com.  Enjoy!

 

 

Aw, Sidney. You're A Good Boy.

 

I figured it out Canada.  I know why hockey isn’t being embraced by the rest of the world (read: the United States).  Personality.  Thank God Ovechkin showed up, he’s given our game a chance.  The problem started with great ambassadors to the game like Gretzky.  Sure, the Gretzky trade to L.A. was probably the single biggest influence in bringing the game to Americans, but it wasn’t his playing or his personality that damped enthusiasm.  It was his level of class.  

It didn’t do harm in his era, because there was still a volume of loud mouth entertainers playing at the same time (Tiger Williams used to ride his stick.  Actually.  That happened).  The  problem became that kids grew up idolizing Wayne and in turn were speaking with respect about their opponent and modestly about their own contributions. I respect Gretzky’s public persona, and wish we could sell that game to the US without a little unnecessary flair, but I’m not sure it’s possible.  They love that stuff. 

Kids wanted to be Gretter.  And our parents wanted the same.  Whaaattt a wonnnderful example he set.  Cordial, polite and professional, he simply achieved the highest goal:  Win.  Facts and polite smiles at every turn.  Other leagues have their biggest stars saying the most obscene things and creating sub-plots fit for theatre (Slapshot reference: how about the implied storyline that never develops any farther then “He’s been living in semi-seclusion in Northern Quebec, Andre “The Poodle” Lessard…”).  These sub-plots are everywhere in hockey, but they exist behind closed doors.  Frankly, the media isn’t savvy enough to dig them up.  I think the guys covering the NFL wiretap the room or something.

But take Sidney Crosby, Gretzky’s protege.  What a player.  Whether you think he’s the best, or a baby, or whatever, you can’t deny that he’s good.  But he’s the last thing the NHL needed.  A superstar saying the right thing.  Sean Avery wasn’t a fair representation of the NHL (though he was of himself), but, man.  ESPN couldn’t get enough of this guy.  I literally didn’t know Mats Sundin played for the Canucks until I got home on the weekend.  But I knew how many pinstripes were on the suit Avery was wearing at his internship for Vogue.  I knew his dating history, his slightly effeminate manner for an agitator, and could have diagnosed him with a psychological condition. 

If Mike Comrie would say”I could care less that we lost, I’m going to Hannah Montana, er, Hillary Duffs birthday party tonight”, like he’s actually thinking, people might follow our game a bit closer.  Everyone in America cannot wait to hear what Terrell Owens says after he finishes a game with 1 catch for 8 yards.  It’s a soap opera.

(I enjoy both the hat, and that the clip helps my case at the start, in the middle, and to finish)

And thats whats lacking in our game.  We don’t need constant rule fixes, highlighted pucks or outdoor games (but those are great, keep those going).  The teams and the league need to stop worrying so much about bulletin board material.  You know, those apparently motivating comments like “The Islanders defence sucks” before you play the Islanders.  You know what?  The Islanders defence does suck.  Just because they know that you think it, doesn’t mean they can stop anything. 

This black-balling of flair from the game may be the NHL’s biggest turn-off, including Gary Bettman.  Coaches love to warn their team about the evils of disrespecting your opponent in the media and how it’s going to give them fuel.  It’s just not true.  Plus, you can respect your opponent and still say something interesting and relevant into the microphone can’t you?  Hockey definitely leads major sports in regurgitated answers.  Phrases like “gut check” are nauseasting.  I used to think it was because hockey players aren’t that smart (they aren’t), but I reeeeeaaalllly don’t think basketball or football players finished with higher GPA’s.  But it’s just not necessary to be so wary of what we say.  Never once in my career have a I thought “I can’t believe Steve Defenceman doesn’t think our team can score.  I’m gonna score so many more goals now to prove him wrong”.  I was already trying to score. 

Please, coaches, Gary Bettman, team captains… loosen up.  Let the fans see a little of that passion,  and a few of those storylines that stay buried.  I promise it will be more fun if they notice that right from the drop of the puck #17 has been clipping #22 in the mouth with his elbow everytime they line up for a face off.  I promise if will be more fun if more people notice your game.  Enough Sidney.  You’re a good boy.  You’re a good boy.

     Okay, maybe we could use a liiiittle censorship. 

I haven’t seen an NHL highlight in the US since that clip.  Loosen up boys.

The Trifecta

 

Howdy folks.  Sorry I’ve been away.  I’m finally reaching a stage of jaw-healing that allows me to function beyond the couch, so the bevy of blogs may temper a tad.  Tomorrow I’ve been green-lighted to chew food and skate, two of the basic rights I assumed I was afforded under the Constitution of SpoiledWhiteCanadianKids, but those have recently been denied.  This also allows me the opportunity to add something to my own constitution aside from skin, a skeleton, and tape.  Sigh… tomorrow shall be a glorious day.

Two crucial things to do on my green light day…

Eat a Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese from McDonalds.  I’ve been dying for a piece of red meat ever since I sat down for dinner on Christmas Eve and laid eyes on that perfectly done beef tenderloin with gravy and peppercorns and onion and oh-God-don’t-think-about-it.  From there, an amalgamation of good advertising and location to my front door have down-graded my red meat fetish to a simple QPC.   The textures.  The ketchup.  The disgusting feeling after.  I’m going to destroy one of those things.

Not hurt myself trying to be a hero.  One thing I truly love about being a hockey player is being the first player on the ice before a practice.  It’s corny, but there really isn’t anything like a fresh sheet of smooth zamboni’d ice, knowing that your coach isn’t coming on for 20 minutes, and a bucket of pucks.  The big rinks we play in are warm, and the air off the ice feels crisp on your face.  When  I was in my home rink (ie. slept well for once), there was no part of my job I enjoyed more.  A couple strides, handle the puck, snap it high.  Counter-clockwise skate.  This is the mandatory lazy warm-up before coach steps on the ice at the exact second he said he would, and you have to start trying (with exceptions.  Top 2 line guys don’t have to try in warm-up drills until they’ve earned the status of 3rd line guy, by not producing in 2 straight games).  And so, with all that said, tomorrow I get to skate.  Not with the team though, as my face is still extremely fragile, and the risk of getting hit with a stray stick or deflected puck is constant.  So tomorrow morning, I’ll set out on my own to do my favourite thing about being a professional.  I can just see me flying towards the net from the right side, snapping a puck as hard as I can at the net, hitting the crossbar and eating it as I skate towards it.  Or falling. I haven’t been scared to fall since it was a possibility.  This could be interesting.

I haven’ skated in 45 days and I haven’t eaten solid food in the same.  The way I see it, I have at least double puke-tential tomorrow.  I could skate, puke, then eat a QPC and do it again.  I only hope I don’t end up at some bar with the guys after.  Who knows?  Maybe I can go for three.

Chemistry Experiment #39

 

Today I wrote a draft on life as a hockey player, what it’s like and what it does to a guy.  I wrote that every winter you were immediately handed 20 new friends, of which I usually got along with about 19, genuinely liked 5 and found 1 gem.  In my college years, I was thrown into a dorm room with 3 other guys I’d never met, and that dorm room was a mine chalk full of those gems.  My college roommates are some of my best friends today.  I couldn’t have lived through 4 Alaskan winters without these guys (my college life partner Charlie Kronschnabel, girlfriend Nick Lowe, and good friends Chad Anderson and Brandon Segal).  I’d have lived in Siberia if I had these guys for company (when you already live in Alaska, finding an awful exaggeration of cold is hard).  So when I went on to play pro, I knew I was in for a change of lifestyle.  And I was.  There’s no stability, no constant housemate, and you can be gone in the drop of a hat.  But man, did I have amazing luck that first year in Utah.  There were some duds, but my stall was in a lively corner, and I’m thankful I got to play with the guys I did (Ford, Dwyer, KJ, Serty, shut up Hart).  But I’ve never met anyone quite like Travis Rycroft.

Talk about passion for the game.  Ryks lived and breathed this stuff.  A Dave Matthews die hard, Trav wrote and played his own music at team parties.  He was a motivator.  He never quit.  But most of all, everybody liked him.  I mean everybody.  And that doesn’t mean he liked everybody.  In fact, if I had to guess I’d say my figures of 19-5-1 would be a little high for him (minus the 19, he probably got along with 21 of every 20 guys).  He literally says “you betcha” when he agrees, and isn’t being the slightest bit facetious.

So I got to thinking…. How important is team chemistry?  Our team in Utah was about an “okay” out of ten on the talent scale, but managed to go deep into playoffs as a scrappy, hard working team.  To start this season, I was in Reading, PA, where all we heard was how good we were going to be.  The dressing room was garbage, a bunch of guys interested in self-promotion who’d have worn their jerseys backwards had it been allowed.  A game into the season I was headed to Idaho thinking, man, it sucks that that group of guys is going to be successful.  They’re dead last in a 30 team league.

There has to be a certain level where talent trumps chemistry.  I’ve never been a big believer in team chemistry, thinking that if a talented team with a good coach were to hate each other and play, it wouldn’t matter.  But the more I think about it, the more skeptical I’ve become of this idea.  Rycroft (4 year team captain) never got his chance at the next level, but he had to have been close.  Scouts today could care less about something like character, but maybe it isn’t so invaluable.  Rycroft missed some playoff games with a torn mcl (after being an iron man the previous season, never missing a game) and called the team in for a meeting without coaches to talk about that nights game.  He cried.  He was so busted up he couldn’t play, he cared that much.  You don’t think that motivates a group of people who like him?  Of course it does. Some guys were playing for contracts, but the focus shifts a bit when you see something like that.  Something about it just sets you straight.

The Dallas Cowboys are a poster for the team I had been thinking of, all talent and no chemistry.  They were a huge disappointment this year.  I’m starting to take this theory a little more seriously.  All I know is that when I leave this game, I can take something from Ryks.  For one, he’s a good friend, but two, that this sort of stuff matters in any job.  No matter what it is you do, if you dread seeing your boss or co-worker, it’s miserable.  But if you’re pumped to see them, any day can be decent, and your job can be a treat.  I know I didn’t enjoy everything about being in Utah (bite tongue bite tongue bite tongue), but Trav made it fun.  I know which co-worker I wanna be.  And for that little tidbit that should have been picked up in grade school, I say thank you.  Go.  Grizz. (not really Steelheads fans, chill, it’s an old insincere joke).

« Previous Page