Best. Coach. Ever.

 

Did I over-PC my blog?  I think I may have.  Lord knows I’ve been tap-dancing around issues lately, and that’s no fun.  So let’s collectively loosen up.

Let’s start with an unedited fuck you to Jose Theodore, who is apparently unaware that he’s my fantasy goalie, and so posted a 26.09 GAA with a .400 save percentage last night with no regard for my fantasy team.  Thanks.  That’ll be really easy to bounce back from with CAREY FUCKING PRICE as my other goaltender.

Sorry about the language.

Moving on.

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From the SPHL, here’s the type of person that made hockey so quittable for me:

 ’

Keep in mind that unless your coach has a YouTube worthy meltdown to get him fired, sometimes you’re just stuck with a dumbass for a coach.  On that train of thought, let’s put a positive spin on it…

The Best Coach I Ever Had

The best coach I ever had was my coach for less than two months, Davis Payne.

After my senior year of college, I had a few classes to wrap up, so I wasn’t able to go anywhere to start playing professionally.  Fortunately for me, Davis gave me the chance to join the Alaska Aces and at least get my feet wet playing in the ECHL playoffs, since I was there anyways.  They let me miss games when I had tests to take, and took me on the road when I was able to go.  I felt like Mario goddamn Lemieux. “No, I’ll just play games, thanks”.

Certainly that doesn’t qualify him as a good coach though… this does:

We were prepared with Davis.  X’s and O’s-wise, I mean.

“Old school coaches” that GM’s and owners love to hire (“nobody’s slackin’ on our team!”) beat up the same tired mantra.  It’s about hard work.

Gotta be ready from the drop of the puck!  Finish checks!  Out-work ‘em down low!  Gogogo!  …Oh we lost?  We got outworked.  See you at practice tomorrow.

Davis would still preach hard work, but he prepares his teams too.  Before each game, the whiteboard was JAMMED with information.  Those crib notes included our opponents most used breakouts, their powerplay breakouts, powerplay setups, who to “key on” (who’s the most frequent PP shooter, stay in his lane), what their penalty kill setup is, goalie’s weakness etc.  Then, the list of all of our info… same stuff, other side.

He had it up as soon as we walked in the room, so guys could grab a coffee and study up before he came in and went over it all.

Between periods, he made adjustments.  “They switched from a box plus-one on the powerplay to an umbrella, here’s our counter-adjustment…”

And we had the confidence of absolutely knowing we were more prepared than our opponent, especially in the ECHL (the year before that season they won the Kelly Cup, and that year we went to the conference finals).  And having played for three other coaches in the ECHL, I can tell you that we were way, way (way), more prepared on that team than any other team I’ve been on since.

And so you work hard, but you don’t waste energy.  You’re in the right spots.

On that team, I never felt like I came to feel in the following seasons, like I was chasing the puck around like a cat after a laser pointer.  Ohthereitgoes!  Thereitisagain!  CrapIcan’tgetit.

Which is why I believe the style of coach needed in the NHL has changed, but some teams haven’t realized it yet.  Mike Kennan?  Gimme a break. 

If you think Mike Babcock has had so much success just because of Datsyuk and Zetterberg, you’re nuts (don’t forget he had, ahem, Chris Osgood in net).  Plenty of coaches have stars to work with.  “The wings dig up amazing talent” isn’t an infrequent comment.  My contention is that maybe they do, but also, maybe they just put them in the best situations to be successful, they way Bill Belichick makes good players great in New England.  No, no, it was that Matt Cassel has a rocket arm.  Was it?

So there ya have it.  Cheers to the Davis Payne’s of the world.

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Davis is now the Head Coach of the AHL’s Peoria Rivermen, and in my opinion, a likely candidate for Andy Murray’s job next year.

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In the eight playoff games they chucked me in, I think I had 3 and 2 for 5, but was semi-retarded the first few times I attempted his “layering” d-zone theory.  I was used to my college “cover their D” job as a winger, better known as “don’t let Alex Goligoski get the puck”, or the ”don’t ever let Matt Carle shoot” theory. 

The Rise of Hockey

 

Now that I’ve 100% accomplished getting straight people to be nice to gays (phew, glad that’s over with), I’m tackling getting hockey on TV in the US.  Next week I’ll end racism and cure cancer.

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Hockey isn’t just re-emerging, it’s resurging.  So why did I have to buy DirecTV’s NHL package to follow it?

I’ve railed about this before, but hockey’s lack of prevalence on American television is startling.  To date, I’ve spent the majority of my life in hockey-soaked markets like Canada and Alaska, so this is all new to me.  Here in Phoenix, I’ve had to track down a hockey bar recently nicknamed the “Hoser Hut” (Cactus Jacks) to catch a conversation on anything frozen that isn’t a margarita.  The game is too good these days to fall behind the PBA, poker and a SPELLING BEE in television ratings.  I mean… right?

Almost a decade ago, with defense at a premium, and “interesting” at a deficit, Gary Bettman recognized that it wasn’t a complete overhaul the league needed, but a makeover.  And look how pretty it is now:

Nineteen of the 24 US-based NHL teams (through October 18^th) had seen increased or level TV ratings from last year at this time.  The Anaheim Ducks, New Jersey Devils and Florida Panthers have made the biggest strides, with over 100% increased viewership over the first few weeks (while a third of NHL teams saw more than 50% gains).  Sportsnet Chicago saw the Blackhawks set their all-time record in one day ratings on October 14th when the team played a regular season game against the Oilers. 

And for the most part, attendance has mirrored the ratings – 18 teams are even or improved in that category already, with the Boston Bruins, Washington Capitals, New Jersey Devils, Florida Panthers and Columbus Blue Jackets leading the pack in percentages gained.  Aside from the Bruins, please re-read those team names.  Yeah.  Things are going well (sidenote – this information is from the NHL’s media site, where they included Atlanta in that group – I refuse to include them based strictly on seeing one game on TV where their attendance was worse than a swine-flu giveaway).

 

And NHL.com is getting more hits than Joe Mauer, up 25% from this time last year, and up 36% in unique visitors.  They’re selling NHL gear quicker than Usain Bolt riding a cheetah (or would that slow it down?… fine, YOU come up with 100 metaphors a day) , and video plays are up a whopping 139% so far.

Stewart Cink is tweeting about the Thrashers.  ESPN Sports Guy and basketball guru Bill Simmons is re-connecting with the Bruins after divorcing them years ago.  The once-mainstream NHL is slowly leaking back into the public consciousness.

And, rightfully so.  Watching hockey has replaced “doing literally anything else” on my “what I feel like doing tonight” list – a complete change from what it was five years ago.  So why is it so hard to get a game covered by anyone other than The Little Network That Could, Versus (who, by the way, is also at all-time NHL ratings highs)?

These days, Ovechkin is so nationally famous that even ESPN dares to occasionally run some of his highlights (the worldwide leader in sports they feel like covering), Sidney is more famous than Bing, and teams in major original six markets are good again (welcome back Ranger/Blackhawk fans.  Didn’t hear from you for awhile there).  Fine, Toronto isn’t good, but they could be stay popular if they went over 40 years without a cup.  …wait…

The reasons for this swell of public interest have been discussed in plenty.  But still, it’s refreshing to hear any positivity when it comes to the NHL.  Us hockey people took a beating in the 90’s there, when goalies were wearing Michelin Man style gear and the Devils were forechecking agressively, only holding up when the other team had possession.  Or were about to.  Or were in the vicinity.  That vicinity being the same half of the ice.

I know Bettman must want a TV deal as bad as anybody, so why do most people down here have to drive to their Friend-With-Pirated-Canadian-Satellite’s house to catch a game that wasn’t filmed on a Motorola Razr?  After we get the head-check thing sorted out (which I could do over lunch while eating a hotdog), it’s time the NHL made getting a good TV deal its major goal.  That should be the league’s own metaphorical Stanley Cup.

Because 2-0 scores no longer means the game is over.  Tic-tac-toe goals are a thing of the 80’s – we’re now seeing tic-tac-tac-tic-tac-toe goals (anyone catch the Capitals passing play five/six days ago? I was like a bench player in And1 basketball, standing, screaming, taking off my shirt and spinning it around…)

Every night, new young talent is meshing with resurgent names from the dark, defensive days (one rhymes with Tall Bariya), while the speed of the skating and snapshots have reached levels once thought unreachable.  Gary basically has an empty net breakaway here, and just needs to slide this one in. Get this on American television, somehow.

NHL highlight packages are truly highlights (as much as I enjoy a good dunk from a seven-footer with three foot arms or a diving catch, there’s nothing like hockey’s reel).  Even the often-sassed-by-hockey-fans network ESPN has started to include around three plays in their nightly top ten from our much improved league.  Plus, they love them some Melrose over there (I have to admit, I do too, but it’s hilarious because you know he’s about the 74,000^th smartest hockey man in America)

The Winter Classic is a big enough hit that they can afford to gouge the fans again (how nice).  And high-definition has almost voided the “I can’t see the puck” mantra chanted by fans in the heavily-defensive ‘90’s/early 00′s (what, Fox’s laser-streaks didn’t fix the problem?).

Before national coverage could be expanded, the sport has needed to qualify as “watchable” again.  And it’s exceeded that.

Bettman has applied the league with the right make-up, gave it a nice haircut, and helped it to fit into its old skinny jeans.  Now it’s time to find the league a dancin’ partner.

So come on, Bettsy-boy.  You own the ‘Yotes now, that’s over with. Step up on head-checks first, and get a TV deal second (head-checks article coming… fittingly, it’s still stored in my head).  There’s your agenda.

…And The Dust Settles

Well… that was quite the ride, wasn’t it?  Man.

Did you read the comments section on USA Today?  I didn’t have the slightest clue that an article titled “It’s time to end the use of gay slurs in hockey” could spur nearly 300 comments from people basically saying “no… no it’s not.” 

Who knew gay rights was such a polarizing issue?  …wait… everyone?  Ah.  ….My bad.

My apologies to those of you who took the time to write me personal, tear-inducing emails, only to have me big-dog you with no response.  I’ll try to get to more of them today, but if I’m unable to, just know it was good to hear from the side that didn’t want me jammed between mushrooms and peppers and made into some sort of hate-kabob.

I have had some contact with some people in the hockey community who are openly gay as a result of this -- ESPN is picking up the major story that’s come of it, so I’ll link to that when it shows.

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So then, today’s blog is a dicey one.  I contemplated running excerpts from some of the great emails I received (one pointed me to this list of gay athletes.  Sheryl Swoopes?  …does writing about equality mean I can’t make fun of the WNBA now?  I’ll give it a few days).  Then I got worried about jtbourne.com becoming a super-serious website, so I thought about a throwback blog where I run pictures of kittens “nom”ing food, but I realized that might pour a splash or ten of fuel on the “Justin Bourne is gayer than Will and Grace” fire that was lit after my article dropped. 

I was a bit stunned by the response at times, thinking …Me?  Run a serious website?  Keep in mind, it was here that I once speculated that the Pope Benedict XVI was actually John Ratzenberger (Cliff from Cheers) in character.  I thought by writing the piece I did, I was just running an observation that would make the majority of people go “…well, duh”.  It seems that wasn’t the case.

In conclusion, I think I’ve said my piece.  And I meant what I said.  I’m just glad that I may have advanced the conversation a tiny little bit, and I’m proud of so many of my readers.  The neat part, if you noticed, is that the USA Today comment board was littered with hate, while mine was soaked in compassion.  It’s with good cause that I love this website.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m shying away from the subject -- if you want to discuss it, I’m open to it.  But this is a sports blog, predominently hockey, so without further ado, lets talk about some goddamn hockey, please!

Oh wait -- one kitten picture first.

 

Okay, got that off my chest.  some puck thoughts:

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I had a friend make the pre-season prediction of forty for Stamkos.  I wasn’t sure what to think.  Doesn’t look so bad now, does it?

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Is it just me, or does Phil Kessel look like the guy who plays Phoebe’s brother in “Friends”?  You know the guy right?  Anyone?   Ahhh hell, here’s a picture —-->

I wonder if “Phoebe’s brother” has ever had his thinker re-wired by Matthias Ohlund?

 

‘

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I’d like to thank Carey Price for single-handed assasinating my fantasy hockey team.  Again Carey, thanks for that.

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I had a question posed by a reader than I’m unable to answer:  What do refs talk about between intermissions?  Are they targeting certain guys?  Justifying calls?  Discussing errors to “make up”?  Any refs out there care to handle that one?

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 And last, a joke from Tom, in Kelowna: “What do Mike Komisarek and Thunder Bay, Ontario have in common?   — They’ll both be minus 25 by Christmas”.  Awww, not funny Tom, Mike’s a great guy.  Okay, it’s a little funny.  Best of luck to him in turning it around, he’s clearly capable of it.

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As much as I can change the topic on my own blog, I’m looking forward to reading the emails I’m sure I’ll be continuing to get today -- I’ll respond as best I can.  Thanks for reading!

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(UPDATED) I had a fellow blogger send me this video today -- my teammate from last season with the Idaho Steelheads is having a great year in the Dallas system.  Skip to the 50 second mark and check out what Climie’s up to… (thanks bud. I’ll write a whole piece about how you deserve Turco’s spot and send it everywhere I can.  I’m sure they’ll listen)

 

(You’re all dying to make a joke about their living arrangement, but are too nervous after the past few entries, right? I sense it)

Reader Ideas

 

I received a few reader emails over the weekend on topics to address.

The discussion of a head-checking penalty:

My thoughts -  Why is this a “discussion”? 

I heard them say somewhere that if they were to institute this penalty, they’d have a lot of work to do in terms of discerning things like player height, moving forward vs. backwards, intent etc. – just a lot of details to work out.

So work the f***ing details out.

People at the NHL get paid to work right?  So this is what work is.  Figure out the boundaries of this penalty and call it.  NHL pundits are shocked at the amount of injuries this year.  Why, I’m not sure. 

Football teams play 16 games a year, largely because it’s such a physical, dangerous sport that it’d be unsafe to play many more games than that.  Well, wake-up call, professional hockey is pretty physical too, on a harder surface, with speed-building skates on.  Not only is 82 games too many (as much as I love to watch lots of hockey), but we need to do a better job protecting our players.

I’ve been on too many teams with too many guys that I’ve seen try to ride the bike for three/four minutes and have to lie down for three/four hours they’re so nauseous.  Concussions are growing in frequency with better equipment because players are bigger and faster, and are only getting moreso.  Should there be a head checking penalty?  By tomorrow.

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What players think hearing an American anthem as a Canadian (or vice versa), and what players think in general during the anthem:

As a Candian, I love the US.  And as an American, I love Canada.  It’s fun to create rivalries based on location (Green Bay/Minny, for example).  But it’s ridiculous to say we have many differences at this point, so both anthems are great.

Any differences we do have are based on geography.  The south of the US is different from the north because conditions are.  Canada is just the slightly-farther-north-US (the same way the US is just the slightly-farther-south-Canada) with socialized medicine (not to launch into another debate, but my brother just spent a week in the hospital as you know, and wheeled out.  No worries of cost, no stress, no “we’re screwed for life”.  My mom is on disability for her back and my Dad runs the Fantasy Camp.  Without socialized medicine, my family would be homeless.  My bro has trouble getting a week’s travel insurance to even come to the US - good luck trying to get it as a resident).

On a lighter note, when I was listening to the anthem as a starter, all I thought was “hit-hit-hit”.  Truly.  I never played on one team that the coach didn’t want to “go out and set the tone”.  Hitting someone gets you in it.  And, when I would get ROCKED early on, which wasn’t all that rare, I usually played better (assuming I didn’t get hurt).  There’s something about it that flipped the adrenaline switch for me and got me going.

So as a rookie in the WCHA, my first game playing in North Dakota’s Englestad Arena, our line was called to start.  It’s chaos in there.  I loved playing in NoDak (and actually, my record there is surprisingly good), but I was a tad nervous that first time.  All I could think about was running someone.  Apparently, it was literally all I could think.  The next day’s headline was “Oh, those rookies”.  I left my helmet on for the whole anthem, cage and all.  Atta kid.  (Doyle Woody, the teams beat-writer is an occasional reader – care to weigh-in, Doyle?)

And last, for your discussion:

Fan etiquette in an opposing teams rink:

I’m not sure how to answer that one.  My guess is the best fans will light-heartedly engage the home-team fans, cheering and booing at the right moments.  Whaddya think guys?  How much of a fan can you be in the opposing teams building without earning off-ice d-bag status?

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Possibly the most conversation-worthy piece (a nice way of saying controversial) I’ve ever written drops tomorrow.  As usual, the link will be provided.

North America or Europe?

 

Before we get too deep into anything on the blog (you know, cause I usually discuss such deep topics), check out my latest column for USA Today here.  It’s on team identity, how tough it is to find one when you’re losing, and how the Toronto Maple Leafs are the perfect example of that.  Don’t be shy to comment, recommend, and just generally make the major newspaper provider feel like they’ve made a good hire.

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It’s weird, how getting older means you see your friends less.  People move, get married, have kids, all that.  So of course, it’s always nice when you get the chance to reconnect. 

In junior, my roommate Andrew Derton was like a part of my family.  He’s down in Phoenix playing for the CHL team (er, change of plans on that, but anyways), so he’s spending some time over at my place.  It’s been nearly FIVE YEARS since I’ve seen the guy I once lived with for two years, won a championship with, and endured Mussonlini-as-a-coach with.

And just like yesterday’s blog involved some hockey thoughts that I mentioned came up over beer with a different guy, the following came up over red wine with Derts:

Derty played in Belgium and Holland a bit last year, and in talking about that, we got onto an important point for players making the “where to play” decision after junior or college.  North American hockey matters on your resume.

A little known fact about going to play overseas for fans, is that they really want you to have some experience over here before you go over there.  For the small and talented ”he’ll be great in Europe” guys, they should really stick it out over here for a year before they go (especially since it’s a LOT harder to go Europe to NA than NA to Europe). 

Good experience here can earn you double/triple what a similar player to you will be earning, strictly because you have North American pro under your belt. 

Before I broke my face in shattery-five places last year, I was in the midst of negotiating a deal in Europe, and had just had a deal for 750 Euro a week in The Hague (Netherlands) fall through (teams there are only allowed two imports per team, and there were some complications I don’t feel like writing out).  They pay housing and bills on top of that, and there’s almost no tax.  Neato.  Glad I broke my face and took up writing… stupid computer…

{<——- No, you’re right, fate, a broken face in Boise is much better than being overpaid near Amsterdam… I look like Artie Lange there.}

Anyway, he was telling me that on his CHL team, there were Europeans coming across to play in North America for two reasons:  One, the money is gone in a lot of lower European leagues (not all are mob backed.  I’m looking at you, KHL…).  Apparently the economy isn’t just bad here.  But the bigger one, two, is that they were trying to better build their resumes to earn better money. 

He was playing with a Dane, a French fella, Czechs, a Slovak and some Russians.  And, as is to be expected, and is typical, most to all of them hate “our” style of game (here comes the flood of “then go home thoughts” from readers).  I don’t mean that in a derogatory anti-Euro way at all; I’m stating a fact.  Most of them hate the dump and chase buffonery North American coaches employ (and I side with them on that).

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I have my “to blog about” file on my phone that I update when I chat with people and think of something.  I add stuff at sporting events, at red lights, wherever.  The downside of this, is that I think I get good ideas in the middle of the night, so I enter them in the file.

I consistently wake up to some cryptic, garbled nonsense that I have no clue how to decipher.  My favourite, by far, came last night, apparently around two a.m.

PopTart from an Oscar Envelope?

…yeah.  See?  These are the type of insights you’d miss if you didn’t read this blog.  (I love the question mark, like I wasn’t certain if it was a good idea or not.)

The Preseason Marathon

 

A little pre-season insight:

For players whose season is going to start in the ECHL, the preseason is longer than Islander fans tolerance for losing.  And slightly more like Chinese Water Torture.  With less pay.  You’re being evaluated  *drip* You’re being evaluated *drip* You’re being evaluated *drip*.

For them, it seems like it takes a lifetime to get to a meaningful game.  The NHL team invites all their guys under contract (plus hopefuls), while knowing the majority of them are going to play farther down the ladder.  They just want to check if their unpicked fruit has ripened.  A chunk of these guys at camp are on three-year NHL deals, and the team simply knows that they’re paying to have the guy in the last year of that contract, if at all.

{Tangent #1 - I wrote a column for Hockey Primetime about my thoughts on development here.  If I were an NHL GM, I’d leave the developing to someone else.}

{Tangent #2 - One of those three-year-contract guys that will pan out is Andrew Macdonald, Islanders defenseman.  Guy got so crazy good, so crazy quick in the ECHL it was scary.  Spent last year being great in the AHL.  Got NHL games.  Keep your eye on him, he’s a gifted player… and looks like Brooks Orpik.}

Those ECHL players will start the ride at rookie camp in June.  Then the main camp in September.  It’s a week to ten days of practices and exhibition games, being constantly evaluated at everything you do (including social interactions).    Then they’ll get sent to the AHL camp.  The same week to ten days happens there, albeit with less media pressure and less perks.  Then ECHL camp.  Subtract media and perks again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

For those guys who do the three league countdown, they’ll show up at NHL camp around September 12th, and play their first game in the ECHL nearly a month later, around October 7th (then the kicker – you don’t get paid for three weeks.  By November, they’re near starvation.  If I was a part of a players union, guys would get paid something for training camp).

It’s a tough time of the year for those guys, and I feel their pain.  Nothing pummels the ego quite like getting cut twice to start the year.  Re-hashing that ride, I can’t help but notice how comfy this couch is…

{Tangent #3 - No preseason is as miserable as the college preseason.  Arrival: mid-August. First game: mid-October. Two months: takes two years.}

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I watched a special on the guy who holds the ball for the kicker in football (Usually the 14th string QB, no?).  He’s a Superbowl champion.  First guy to run out of the tunnel ahead of the team too.  And I quote: “I was so excited, there was no way anyone was beating me outta that tunnel”. 

…Hmm.  Yeah.  …Yeah, you proabably deserved that honour.

But after thinking about it, is there any job in sports that holds a less-appealing goat to hero ratio?  You know, as far as the potential to become one or the other goes?

Two percent chance of being a hero.  Tops.  Maybe a bad snap is corraled, and you get the ball down in time for the kick (which is rarely noticed anyways.  It’d have to be a real bad snap). 

 

For every time you save a play, there’s probably 650 ruined by flubbed snap catches and bad ball placement.  650 – 1 goat to hero ratio?  Laces out, Finkle.  

(*goat-to-hero figures may not be precise)

Top Ten Canadians in the Game

 

NHL.com lists the ten best Canadians in the game today (in order) as:

1. Sidney Crosby   2. Martin Brodeur  3.  Jarome Iginla   4.  Marc-Andre Fleury   5. Chris Pronger   6. Ryan Getzlaf   7.  Rick Nash   8. Roberto Luongo   9. Joe Thornton   10. Vincent Lecavalier

Though not ridiculous, it’s a tad nostalgic.  Chris Pronger is the fifth best Canadian hockey player alive today?  Don’t take the following as not liking any of the above guys, I just thought I’d mix in my own thoughts, and hear some of yours (okay, you can take it as me not liking Pronger).

{First, I’m finally impressed with a US hockey team, which makes me a tad nervous for Canada.  It was a hassle when every country in Europe starting getting really good (go back to producing bums with eight “i’s” in their name, Finland), but now the US?  That’s annoying.

Names like Parise, Stastny, Kane, Kessel, Kessler, Ryan and Booth point to a pretty strong future.  Young, fast and a talented — all of ‘em.}

But back to our Canadian top ten.

1. Sidney is a given.

But I just can’t give Martin Brodeur the title of #2.  This is always a tough point to make, because folks can drag up stats (career GAA of amazing-point-five, save percentage is ninetywhatever-point-awesome), but come on.  I could drag up Bobby Orr’s amazing numbers too, but you wouldn’t want him (the 61 year old him) starting at defense in 2010, would you?  Brodeur’s great, but on the downslope of his career (and never exactly been known for his fitness).

Marty has become a staple of Canadian big game hockey and I love him to death for that.  But, Canada should probably move on.  Cam Ward didn’t crack the NHL.com top ten, but wouldn’t you like to see him wearing a Team Canada jersey at the Olympics?  It’s not like Carolina’s teams have been stacked, but he’s made them successful – this guy is a big game goalie too.

Our best Canadian goalies today are Luongo (what goalie would have won a cup backstopping the teams he has?  Don’t give me that argument), Cam Ward, and Marc-Andre Fleury (who I’ve always liked, despite the fact that everyone in Canada hated the disappointment he “was” before June of this year).

One – that’s right, ONE – defenseman made that list, and it was Pronger.  More than taking away from Chris, who admittedly is still in the upper echelon of defenseman (hanging on… losing… grip… must… hang on), I have to give credit to two other guys, Mike Green of Washington, and Shea Weber of Nashville.

I got more texts from hockey-playing friends watching NHL playoff games last year about Mike Green than anyone else.  He does some amazingly nifty little things that make a big difference.  To be a scorer in the NHL today is tough to do, but this guys’ stat-line from last year as a defenseman was 31 goals, 42 assists for 73 points… in 68 games.

Oh, and he’s 24.  His defensive game has gotten better every year, and will continue to.

As ridiculous as it seems now, I was Shea Weber’s instructor at Dave Roy’s “Edge of Excellence” hockey school.  I was 18, and Shea was 15.  He was probably bigger than me by three inches then and just under twice as fast.  I made a huge difference in his life. 

“Yep, you’re doing it right.  Yep.  That was good.  Uh-huh.”

At this point, he’s not even freaking human.  Punishingly physical, with a booming slapper and great foot speed, I bet there’s a lot of GM’s who’d take him over Green.  He’s Pronger 2.1 – the next edition.  Toting less lumbering largeness (a mere 6’3″ 210), he carries his size more like Duncan Keith than a Todd Bertuzzi, and is frighteningly better every time I see him play.

Oh, and he’s 24.

I think a list of our top ten Canadian players today needs to pay closer attention to the way the game is being played now.  Vinnie Lecavalier is a great player, and plenty physical to boot.  But remember how it looked when the international teams were bombing around and we were trying to Eric Lindros/Keith Primeau them into the ground?  We couldn’t catch them.

Vinnie isn’t that big slug type of player; I just think the new type of goal scorer is more evasive than invasive.  Doesn’t Jonathan Toews strike you as a more effective guy in today’s game?  The guys scored 34 times as a 21 year old captain last year.  He’s following in Lecavaliers footsteps as the young captain, but is already trouncing the numbers Vinnie put up at that age.

So without further ado… My list:

1. Sidney Crosby

2. Ryan Getzlaf

3. Jarome Iginla

4. Roberto Luongo

5. Rick Nash

6. Mike Green

7. Jonathan Toews

8. Joe Thornton

9. Shea Weber

10. Cam Ward

I’d put those guys out against any country, any day.  (Wait, except Russia.  Not sure what they’re doing over there, but it’s starting to resemble cheating).

An Ode to Clean Ice

 

It took one blog to prove that everyone everywhere ever loves goalies, and I feel dirty for cashing in on the obvious.  That damn blog had like, 20+ comments in it’s first 20+ hours. 

Imagine if I was a goalie?  This blog would be worldwide, bitches (©Ms. Conduct).

So let’s switch it up, before I starting feeling too “pop culture” for writing blogs like that (that’s what goalies are by the way – the pop culture part of hockey.  The same way that bands like Fallout Boy and Panic! at the Disco claim to be sort of emo, dark and brooding, yet their songs are consistently radio-friendly hits - goalies play the same role.  “Ohhh, we’re so mysterious… enjoy my bobblehead”!  Ahhh, forget it, I’m doing it again). 

Wait, I blacked out… what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, switching it up. 

I have to admit, I somewhat cater to my audience with all the hockey stuff.  I like hockey, but it’s probably not at the core of my being (while freezies, golf, NFL football and stuffed animals probably are.  *Authors note: Justin is still into chicks – albeit just one of them -, so ignore that last item on the list).

But, in breaking into this highly profitable world of writing (as I snack on “Thin Wheats”, because I can’t afford the extra 30 cents to buy non-dyslexic crackers), I’ve had to understand that it’s the topic I’ve got the most credibility on.

So, without further ado, I’m switching styles today, not subject matter.  I bring to you a poem that’s a roundabout attempt at scorning players who don’t let the ice freeze before skating on it.

An Ode to (those who sully) Clean Ice:

 

( With Shakesperian accent)

Why, eager players, must you skate unto fresh, just-bathed rink,

With no regard for your comrades – doth thou not think?

The smooth brilliance, earned by that patient crew,

Can be shattered, will be shattered – by a mindless few.

The puck, she can slide over slick and slippery smooths,

But your skates, too soon, cause those sloshy deep grooves.

The puck will bounce, and scoring, she suffers,

No wonder, it’s defensemen, those dumb motherf*****s

*****

…yeah, I wrote a poem.  Do something about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Goalies: Love Themselves, Hate Their Parents

 

What did Daddy do, goalies?  Come on, sit down.  Let’s talk about your issues.

Ms. Conduct, the other huge percentage of goalie-obsessed fans: I know I’m gonna hear from you on this one.

*****

A CONDESCENDING TALK WITH GOALTENDERS

 

Why.  Oh why.  Does everybody love goalies?

First, a disclaimer:  I don’t not love goalies (double negatives make sense, right?).

Goalies are, um… great.  There’s at least a couple I like.

But people frigging love goalies.

They love goalies, despite the fact that tenders frequently admit to being tormented souls - odd people who are openly content with being about as stable as Kathy Bates in “Misery”.

Is it the pretty gear, guys?  The fact that the position is utterly devoid of skating?  The glory of the glove save?

Haven’t you whack-jobs ever scored a goal?  Don’t you have any idea how good that feels??  What did your parents do to you?

It’s mind boggling that anyone plays this position.  What the allure?

Even the big boys, every chance they get to have an f-around practice (much more common in college, where players have practices after the season), the guys will take turns chuckin’ the gear on.

There’s no “Wingers Magazine”, but there should be, for one simple reason:

We’re the smart ones.

Are you non-goalies out there aware of how hard a frozen hockey puck is?  And I can shoot one 80 miles an hour.  Which end of that do you wanna be on?

As a kid, picking a position, we all made what should have been an easy decision.  By all logic, every team should have had 20 kids trying to be wingers and two coaches assigning the derelicts to center, defense, and goaltender. 

The decision was on par in difficulty with “would like a dead-leg, or a pack of fuzzy peaches?”

Really look at it.  Break it down at the higher levels (If you got stuck playing “D” because you got extra ice time playing it as a kid, I bet you openly use the word “stuck”):

 Goalie:  Spend half the game alone.  No chance to be the hero of the moment, only consistency brings accolades.  50% odds of being the goat.

Defenseman:  A tenth of the chance of being the game hero.  Fire the puck off the glass (the only true sports equivalent of “hitting the broad side of a barn”).  Occasionally get “postered” with a puck through your feet.  Do all things boring and safe.

Center: Work your GD bag off.  Faceoffs matter to coaches (more work).  Play below the hash marks in your own zone, acting as the third defenseman (more work).  Only player that skates on all 200 feet of the ice (annnd more work).

Winger: You’re a genius.  Opportunities for goals and glory.  Next to zero defensive responsibility.  Rest up in D zone for the next rush.  All things fun.

I love when centers or goalies bitch to me throughout the year about the ease of my defensive responsibilities as a winger, like I made them make the poor choice of position.

In the end, tenders, I’m halfway playin’ with ya.  No game is complete without at least two your cranially damaged counterparts.  But the whole thing really does boggle my thinking machine.

Because still, every way you slice it, fans frigging love the goalie.

In the autograph line:

“Are you the goalie?”

“Are you the goalie?”

“…No kid, I’m the guy who makes good decisions.  Next!”

Chelios, T. Fleury, and Mrs. Warner

 

Each year, the NHL welcomes a host of new names and faces to the fold, while offering those same, reliable names that you’ve come to know and love.  Or at least know (see: Avery, Sean).

For 114 years, you’ve become accustomed to seeing Chris Chelios in the league, either as a Montreal Canadien, Chicago Blackhawk, or Detroit Red Wing.

For those same 114 years (*figure may not be exact), Chelios has been the quintessential stay at home d-man.  I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way, but this year, it would be nice to see him do just that — stay at home.

I like Chris Chelios.  I like the fire he’s played with, his passion for the game, and the fact that he seems like a pretty sharp guy in interviews.

I don’t think it’s like the Brett Favre thing, where by playing (and playing worse every year) he’s destroying some statue-worthy legacy.  He’s Chris Chelios for flip’s sake.  Worthy of warrior-like respect, but probably not a guy that kids pretend to be in street hockey.

“I’m Chris Chelios!”

“No I’M Chris Chelios.”

“Mommmmmmm!”

My problem is that the whole thing is embarrassing, because you shouldn’t have to tell such a distinguished veteran like him that it’s time to head for the door.  Ushering someone with a career like his out the door probably didn’t just embarrass Chris, it probably embarrassed Detroit as well.

He put them in the awkward position where they had to admit, “look, maybe you can still play in this league somewhere, but we can only dress 6-7 defenseman a game, and we’re the Detroit Red Wings.  We can find 60-70 defenseman better than you by tomorrow and have them under contract by dinner”.

And I have to believe that most NHL teams could make the exact same statement.

Even if an NHL team had to pull up some young kid from the American League that would struggle the way Chelios seems to be these days (forwards are somehow sneaking behind him in the neutral zone for breakaway passes with all the stealth of golf shoes on bubble wrap), at least the kid would be on the improving side of the bell curve, and the team could justify some early struggles to pay for some later success.

So anyways.  You always hope that the great ones will quit before they’re fired, but I think we’re long past that point with Chelly. 

*****

The other familiar name that’s rumoured to want his face back in the NHL this year is Theo Fleury.

…Seriously.

In all reality, this has become a really sad story.  Theo had kinda been on the path to self-destruction with some drug use in his later NHL years, and probably took a few good seasons off the end of his hockey career.

For a lot of guys, when the NHL money runs out, it’s tough to find another job that pays an above average wage to have fun (for some stupid reason).  So, it’s easy to understand why he would want to make a comeback.

To think he’s capable of it, in his situation, is downright delusional.

At one point after his “retirement”, Theo was playing in a Canadian Native league, where the Chief of the tribe was paying him a ton of money to have him as a ringer (thousands per game – the same team Gino Odjick was playing on).  Regardless of how serious the level of hockey is, you can’t blame the guy for saying yes to that much money.

So um, at least he’s been on the ice.  But my “guess” is that Theo couldn’t even be effective in the AHL right now. 

The game has simply gotten too fast and strong to be effective at his size, and past his quickest days.  The guy is 5’6″ and 40 years old.  I can’t even believe I wasted text on this topic.

But, let’s hope he finds something that makes him happy, because I can promise you, Theo Fleury has less of a chance to play in the NHL this year than I do, and I’m at the point where using the stairs makes me sweat.

*****

Back in my blog’s early days, I made a little, one-line/ borderline inappropriate joke about the upgrade of Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda.  Well, sure enough, at the Cardinals game Saturday night, there she was, sitting across the row from me.  I thought it’d be funny to get a picture with her for a follow-up joke, but it backfired a bit when the picture came out looking totally normal, with her looking great.

 Wish I didn’t look so creepy and happy about it.

*****

That’s all for today!  Stay tuned on the blog this week – I’m settled and back at work, and have a plethora of hockey related topics to bat around with you readers.  What do you think?  Will someone pick up Chelios?

We Signed Who??

 

Trade deadlines, roster freezes, free agent cutoffs – these are all things all diehard hockey fans love.  It was fun waiting to see if the Canucks signed Plodalong Sundin right?

Well, think of this: There was some center in the Canucks organization who knew if Sundin signed, he would be traded or released.  These fun decisions aren’t so fun for everyone.

I try to explain it better here:  http://tiny.cc/8g1w7 .  Don’t be shy to “recommend” my brilliant work.

PS, I just figured out that damn “tiny url” thing (apparently, it wasn’t that complicated), so beware, twitter followers.  I’ma be comin’ with the heat.

Chips Are Aptly Named

Sports injuries suck, but they heal.

Sadly, with age, they sort of un-heal.

You’ve seen the “un-healed” - that group of fun old guys that limp around with bad knees because they used to do squats with bison on their back during their football days. 

Is it too soon to look like one of those guys?

I rarely missed a game during my hockey playing days (supply your own “’cause you never went in a corner” joke).  I Ironman’d it (never missed a game due to injury) for all three years of junior, all four years of college, and my first year + of pro.

*(The one college game I missed was A HEALTHY SCRATCH my junior year.  But I’m not bitter.)

In order to accomplish this feat, I played on percaset, cortisone or adrenaline on multiple occasions.  Nothing says recovery like re-injuring stuff you can’t feel.

So, here I am.  The last professional game I played was on my 26th birthday, almost nine months ago.

I’m not gonna rattle off my list of ailments, cause I’m still a young buck, so “shut up and stop complaining” right – I can understand that.  The list shouldn’t be this long.  But, as a reminder of the beatings I took, my front tooth (already 3/4 fake) chipped on a chip tonight (…is that irony? Alanis Morissette messed up my ability to tell). 

Perfect timing to enter the American health/dental world.  Anyone know a good dentist in Phoenix?

Also, this is my first year as a hockey fan, and I won’t be living in Canada.  Obviously, this means I won’t be getting the CBC, TSN, SportsNet, or Headline Sports, all of which come with every basic cable package in Canada, and the last three run hockey highlights roughly 40 minutes out of every hour.  Seriously.

So how do I stay in touch?  The Center Ice package?  Pirated cable?  Move back to Canada?  Sign up to play for the Coyotes? (I assume that’s how it’s going to work there this year, isn’t it? On a volunteer basis?)

All I know is, I’m too excited for this years NFL season to be mad at ESPN’s coverage right now.  Show me all the clips of Brett Favre punting Packer nation in it’s cheeseballs that you can dig up, I’m fully entertained.

I’d say the Pack are up there in my top couple teams to root for, but this is just too fun to follow, because you know some die-hard Favre-tattooed cheese-doodle-eating Wisconsin-ite has contemplated killing either himself or Brett in the past few days.

Watching Favre right now is like excusing your crazy Grandmothers rantings at the Thanksgiving table because “she doesn’t know what she’s saying”.  He’s that far gone for doing this.  He needs to be medicated.

I’m almost loving the NFL drama enough to chose NFL Sunday Ticket over a whole tooth tomorrow.  But only almost.

A Plea To Current NHLers

 

When I grew up, sports seemed so clear.

There didn’t seem to be so much legalise; this constant, in-depth coverage of the personal lives of the athletes I was watching and revering.  Our heroes of old were probably just as flawed as our heroes of present, only they didn’t catch guys like Babe Ruth doing something stupid and run it on every TV in the nation because there weren’t six cell phone camera’s around at the time.

In earlier decades, fans would have no clue that in pre-season Josh Hamilton stumbled in his attempt at a sober life, but thanks to a few college teens, we have a couple dozen pics of his bizarre meltdown. 

The mistakes our athletes make are constantly in our face, covered to the fullest, and intertwined with regular sports news. 

This steroids thing in baseball has gone from “no!” to “oh” to “so?“. 

I understand sports fans who don’t like baseball.  It’s a thrill-an-hour, and they play more games the video game world has Halo users.  But for me, there was always something kinda pure about it.  Because there’s no man-to-man contact in baseball (or very, very little), it just seems like the least relevant sport to be a steroid user.

And that may be why the steroid suspensions haven’t come crashing down too hard on the users.  There’s no risk of injury to other people, like in football, where if someone is scary strong, it’s scary for a reason.

What’s with the length of suspensions?  In baseball, getting busted for injecting your body with illegal performance enhancing juice costs you 50 games (that injection also costs the right people their jobs, and earns the wrong people more money).  And then you’re cleared to play and help your team down the playoff stretch, while most of the falsely earned new muscle is still there and about to burst through your jersey.  You’ll lose some of the muscle mass, fine, but hey, get in enough cycles before you get caught and you’ll see the benefits for a while.

Why does baseball think it’s any better now that it was before the Mitchell Report?

Of course, baseball’s not alone in it’s embarassments in recent years.

Somehow, the culture of the NFL is breeding poor decision-making too.  This hip-hop culture that has emphasized the need to be a gun-toting, take-no-guff cool guy is putting guys in prison so often it barely registers a blip on my care-dar anymore.  Thanks Plaxico.  Dante.  Pacman.  Vick. 

And the NBA is nowhere near exempt.  I’m not so sure we’ve gotten to the bottom of the officiating scandal.  One single referee gets caught betting on games he’s working, claims he’s part of a league-wide reffing circle of hustlers, and the story gets buried?

Guys are always going to get in trouble, I get that.  Like all jobs, men work them, and men are flawed (sometimes we hit cabbies).  We do expect our athletes, as role models, to hold themselves to a higher level of accountability (and not the opposite, as they may think), but mistakes are still going to happen.

But when you step back and see the frequency of the problems, and the consistency in the types of errors being made sport by sport, I’ve kinda gotta ask:

Still holding that lockout against the NHL, hey America?

I can’t stand hearing the “I used to watch before the lockout” comment.  It’s not that I don’t love the NFL (I love the NFL) or other sports, I’m just running on an equal sports-shunning platform. 

Baseball’s ratings are up in recent years.  And people claim they don’t watch the NHL because of greed?  Have you seen MLB contracts?  Occasionally, hockey ratings are below the PBA and poker, but it’s the only sport that’s gotten better this decade.

Maybe hockey will figure out that fans like a little mischief and chaos, and follow in Patty Kanes example (for the record, I’m skeptical he committed much of a crime there).  This is a call to hockey players!  Let’s start mixin’ it up!

Hell, I’m gonna be a writer guys.  I need material now!

Juicin’!  Guns!  Gambling!  Gimme something! 

We’ve got to win the lockout fans back!

We’ve got to win the lockout fans back!

Simply A Link

 

My latest entry for USA Today will run sometime tonight, and can be found by clicking nhl.usatoday.com, and scrolling down a bit.  On the left is a “Bourne’s Blog” link.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

The Perfect Salary Loophole

 

In an attempt to postpone the slow but steady journey from hockey player to fat cynical writer, I’ve given these so-called “Perfect Pushups” a try.  I gotta believe any product with “perfect” in it’s name is probably not the most reliable item to exchange legal tender for, but c’mon…  that guy on the box is jacked.

Anywho, they’re money.  They really are.  They better be, cause it’s shirt-off weather in Phoenix about 13 months a year, and I need to make some changes.  Apparently, a day of writing burns roughly four calories, and that sack of chocolate covered pretzels I just humbled contained a number similar to the national debt.

Moving on.

*****

How about those shade-ball owners in the NHL abusing the salary cap loophole?  I mean, come on.  For the Flyers to claim with a straight face that they think Chris Pronger has seven good playing years left is pretty feeble, isn’t it?  He’s got the operating speed and mobility of an early 90′s desktop computer, and they didn’t think it was just a little too obvious that they were trying to circumvent the salary cap?  I’ve seen more subtlety in Andrew Dice Clay jokes. 

For the uninformed, here’s a quick rundown of how and why you’re seeing massively long contracts:

NHL teams have a salary cap of $56.8 million for the 2009-2010 season.  The cap hit that each player costs is simple: the dollar total of their contract, divided by the amount of years.

Thus, in the case of Marion Hossa and Chris Pronger, they were signed to long term deals where they make the league minimum in the last few years, so the teams yearly cap hit comes down.  For example, Hossa signed for 12 years, roughly 60 million dollars.  But, he actually makes nearly 8 mill a season for the first seven years, then peanuts for the last five.  Instead of taking an eight million dollar cap hit (which is what they’re paying him), his contract works out to a five million dollar hit (60/12=5), so they Hawks are free to spend more money.

And now, an outside firm has been hired to figure out if the teams were intentionally signing guys to contracts that they weren’t actually going to play out.  Apparently, they’ve called the Hardy Boys, Sherlock Holmes, and the Scooby-Doo crew to crack this difficult case.  Pronger, $525,000 (league minimum) at 40?  Noooo, I’m sure he intends to play, right?

*****

Everytime I think about writing a book (which is becoming more often), this clip brings me back down to earth with a laugh.  Then I make a martini.

 ”

Ahhhh, crap that’s funny.

***** 

So, our first celebs arrive tomorrow to hang out for a day or two before our Hockey Greats Camp starts, and I’ve got good news:  I will be blogging.  I’d be a fool not to.  Last year one of these guys told my Egyptian friend he looks like a half-chewed caramel.  These guys are a gold mine for material.

Over the  next day or two, the following is the group of gents we’ve enlisted to help make our camp a success (chosen on a formula of what great guys they are times how good they were):  Dave Semenko, Bryan Trottier, Steve Shutt, Billy Smith, Gary Nylund, Clark Gillies, Doug Bodger, Dale Hawerchuk, Ron Flockhart, Cliff Ronning and Larry Melnyk.  27 Stanley Cups between em.  Not bad.

I’ll be tweeting the frequent gems that stumble out of these guys booze-holes as the week goes on.

(Last year, the same tale was rehashed a half dozen times: A player gets beat when an opponent - frequently cited as being Pierre Laroche -- puts the puck between his feet and goes in to score.  After getting berated by his coach, the player says “Gee, I guess I shoulda kept my legs closed” to which the coach responds “No, your mother shoulda“.)

*****

And last, one more thing - Brianna gets here on Tuesday, marking the start of “NeverApartEverAgain time”.  Married men, pour one out for me.  Looking forward to it, honey! 

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