Why I Wish Rick Nash Were On A Different Team, And That’s Allowed

 

I’ve been on the receiving end of a fairly decent twitter-drubbing from Columbus Blue Jackets fans about a few Rick Nash tweets I made yesterday, especially about the comment that he’s “drowning” in Columbus.  Which was a little much, maybe. 

The intent was to praise Nash, not take pot-shots at CBJ, but I can fully understand why fans didn’t appreciate the barbs.  For what it’s worth Jackets fans, if you follow me with any regularity, you’re well aware I’m consistent in my criticisms - my own favourite team (the Islanders) has been far from sarcasm-exempt on this blog and twitter.

That should probably make it hurt more, because it points to the fact that I’m usually without bias with those comments, meaning I wasn’t just taking pot shots without a point.

Let me explain myself:

I hate that Rick Nash plays for the Blue Jackets, because the majority of North America doesn’t care about the Blue Jackets.  Ohio is a great hockey state, and there seems to be plenty of proud, smart fans of the team.  But outside of that region, the national interest isn’t there.  It’s in Original Six teams, Washington, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and so on.

Thus, when games are televised in primetime, or the Winter Classic teams are selected, Columbus is nowhere near to getting a second thought about being picked.  I know that hurts, and believe me, I can relate to that misery, but denying it is just silly fan bias thinking.  In turn, I never get (nobody ever gets, actually) to see Nash play unless they have the NHL package or they live in Ohio.

I do have the package, but again, I’m just not that interested in Columbus as a team, so it’s not worth watching the games all that often just to watch one player. (Unless Lebron is playing.  I’d tooootally tune in just to watch him. ….Oops, sorry Ohio ) 

Beyond that, I’m frustrated for him because he should be one of the top few names mentioned when someone talks about the best players in the game.  If he played for the Maple Leafs or the Red Wings, best believe that would be the case.  He’s just out of the national spotlight there.

It’s even more endearing that he’s so loyal about staying there, given that he’s aware of all the things I’ve written above.  And better still, you know he believes they can win a Cup there in Columbus the way Carolina did in 2006.

And maybe they can.

But in playing for a team that doesn’t spend to bring in supporting talent, for one that instead shrewdly thrifts together a pretty good squad year after year, it greatly minimizes his Cup-winning odds.  Yes, the odd team in history has gotten it done without spending a ton, but it’s a rarity.  The playoffs are a long, tough grind that requires secondary scoring, tremendous defense and great goaltending.  While possible, it’s tough (and rare) to acquire the whole package on a budget.

What that means then, is that a player who can do so much and be so great will swim upstream against the current until he’s forced to do the inevitable Ray Bourque-to-Colorado thing, and it may not work out.  A guy who could have a massive effect on a Stanley Cup Final may never get the chance to live out a defining moment.

Like I said, more power to the guy for being willing to battle for that city, but as a fan of the game, I think I’m allowed to wish he were on a different team. 

And something else to remember: just because I want him to go to a different team doesn’t mean that’s happening, like I’m the GM or something.  A lot of the responses I got from Blue Jackets supporters were along the lines of “just let us keep him,” or panicky-sounding, frenzied keyboard mashing, like when you take a baby’s favourite stuffy away. 

@akrygier —  @jtbourne is the sarah palin of hockey writing, who cares what he thinks.

Uh…..fair enough, I guess?

The moral of the story is this: I’m sure Columbus fans wish, say…. I dunno, Shea Weber or some other stud in a small market like that were on the Penguins.  He’s a great talent you’d like to see in primetime more, you’d like to see in the Winter Classic, you’d like to see in the late rounds of playoffs on a fully-funded team trying to win Cups, as opposed to a team that squeaks into playoffs and makes a first round exit.

It’s not gonna happen, of course, but from a fan’s standpoint, and the standpoint of the history of hockey, I feel like Nash is a diamond, locked in a safety deposit box for no one to see. 

But Ohio, it’s your safety deposit box, and you get to see him plenty over the course of the season.  So, enjoy him, root for him, and hopefully he can bring you that Carolina-esque Cup your fans deserve.  But don’t hate on me because I want to have a peek at the stone once in awhile too.

Oh, and *ahem* …..sorry for the term “drowning.”  ‘Twas a bit much.

Happy humpday, folks.

Does Goaltending Matter Less Than Ever? & Long Term Contracts

  

New Puck Daddy: On how practices change throughout the course of a season 

I’ve been slacking in the doing interviews/current events type posts, so expect to see a couple of those next week. 

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So, I’m not sure goaltending matters in the NHL these days. 

I mean, it matters if you have bad goalies (sorry Dan Ellis, Mike Smith).  But if you’re a good team, it seems like any sort-of-big guy who can do the butterfly and play his angles can become an all-star. 

Now, that may sound like lunacy, but let me finish my point - my case is not that goaltending is altogether umimportant, it’s that I think having a great forward or a great defenseman (compared to an average one) is more valuable than having a great goalie (compared to an average one). 

As in, most goaltenders VORP (value over replacement player) doesn’t seem to be all that high.  {Demonstrated by the relative success of guys like James Reimer, Kevin Poulin etc.  They aren’t bad goalies by any means, but they’re certainly not exceptional yet, though they may someday be.  Team plays well in front of them, they don’t give up any freebies….boom.  You’re the next big thing.}

And doesn’t it makes sense?  A lot of the goals we see are created so beautifully nobody could stop them.  Beyond those goals, we don’t see a lot of “oh, so-and-so would’ve stopped that” -type squeakers. 

No, with the development of goaltending style and technique, the growth of the men behind the pads, and the quickness that even the average goalie has, we’ve seen soft goals die a slow death. 

The “best” goalies in the league, more and more, seem to be behind the best teams.  

It’s why a guy like Niemi can win a Cup – no soft goals, play behind a great team. 

It’s not a knock on anybody, just an observation – basically, that whether you have Luongo in net or Cory Schneider, the way for a goalie to come out looking like roses is for the team to play well (which, incidentally, they tend to do more in front of a goalie they don’t trust).  Then suddenly you’re an all-star candidate (or a starter, right Corey Crawford?)

Thoughts? 

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If a player doesn’t display the obvious passion and crazy desire to be the best like Sidney Crosby, he should never get a contract longer than four or five years. 

Teams are so eager these days to land a star player for a low cap hit that they’re making major mistakes.  

It becomes pretty easy to go to lunch instead of the gym when your future is so secure, I would think. 

Here’s my theory: if you manage to get a player for a low cap hit by giving him a billion year deal, you probably lower his worth to what his cap hit is. 

As in, Kovalchuk is playing like a 6 million dollar player (his ballpark cap hit) instead of a 10 million dollar player (his ballpark real salary the next few years) because they’ve given him enough years to show that cap hit. 

In trying to mess with salary cap loopholes, you create a less valuable player – it’s sort of karmic, in a way. 

The only guys you give it to are guys like Crosby or someone who you just KNOW takes being good seriously, like Rod Brind’Amour always did. 

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Y’all should fear my blog post on Monday: we pick up our 11 week old Ragdoll (name: Jiggs) and bring him home for the first time.  Stock up on canned goods, get in the bomb shelter, and be prepare for CUTE OVERLOAD.

Ranking Sports, Ryder Cup Clothes, and a Nash/Malkin Fight

 

There’s no sport that I’d rather see a highlight package from than hockey.  It’s my number one. 

There’s so many different things that can happen – it’s not just different uniforms executing the diving catch, homerun, double play sequence on repeat.  The many different ways to score make it interesting, especially when you factor in huge saves, big hits, nice dishes, fights, and excitement.

That said, hockey isn’t my favourite sport to watch, when you’re talking about turning it on at the start of the event, and turning it off when it’s fully over.  (By the way, this whole thing is about TV viewing, not in-person viewing.)  Football’s my number one.  So I’m gonna go ahead and rank my six main viewing sports by fun-to-watchability, and then re-rank them for highlight packages.  Let me know where you stand.

Best Sports To Watch on TV, in Their Entirety

1.Football
2. Golf (during a major, otherwise bump it down one)
3. Hockey
4. Basketball
5. Soccer
6. Baseball

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Best Sports To Watch, Highlight Package Edition

1. Hockey
2. Soccer
3. Football
4. Basketball
5. Baseball
6. Golf

And eff it, lets do a live-viewing rank too….

1. Hockey
2. Basketball
3. Baseball
4. Football
5. Golf
6. Soccer (Never been to a game, so it’s default last. I’m sure it’s great. Calm down, soccer weirdos)

 

And while we’re at it, favourite sports to play, in order…

(Note: I struggled with this, badly)

1. Hockey
2. Golf
3. Basketball
4. Baseball
5. Football (Never played an “organized” game in my life. Thx, Canada)
6. Soccer

For the record, that last category is impossible for me.  I’m a complete jock, and love all sports.  Racquet sports (tennis, badminton, squash, racquetball), volleyball, ultimate frisbee, whatever, I’m down for a game.  There’s very few things I’d rather do than chuck around a real baseball in a backyard with a beer (a football would suffice too).

Probem is, as you get older, everyone gets too busy to get enough people together for a game of anything.  Boo.

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Real quick here:  I had a lot of help from people who gave me and this whole writing thing a chance when I first started out, and I mean that beyond the obvious (family, Bri, friends, etc.).  Quick links-as-thank-yous to people who took a swing in the dark on my work:

Doyle Woody – Alaska Daily News
Chris Botta – Islanders Point Blank
Jason Kay – The Hockey News
Dan Friedell – Sports Journalist and Editor

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The US Ryder Cup team regularly dresses like complete fucking morons.  Now, this year may be different.  But I saw Tiger Woods at a press conference yesterday wearing one of the most horrific ensembles mankind has ever dared leave the house in (minor exaggeration).

Some baggy red sweater vest (solid) over a blue and white striped shirt (thin, equal size stripes), on top of some navy trousers.  It really looked like Woods, who usually dresses to kill/sleep-with-cocktail-waitresses, hadn’t done laundry in like forever.

Rob Mixer described the shirts below (from the 1999 Ryder Cup) as “fumigated Mediterranean upholstery.”  ….FTW, I assume.

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I’m not sure what it is about Sportcenter running tweets from athletes and pawning it off as news that’s so off-putting, but…. it is, isn’t it?  Like, I get that they could say something newsworthy there, and I understand why they’re covering it….

Something about it just doesn’t seem right, and I can’t place it.  What is it?

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I CANNOT believe this didn’t get more love – I guess it’s a product of living in the US before the NHL Network resumes it’s “On The Fly” services, but….  My US friends, did you know Rick Nash and Evgeni Malkin fought the other day?  In a pre-season game?  What a bizarre sequence of humans and activities to plug into a sentence that is.  Nash.  Malkin.  Fight.  Here ya go: 

Coupla big boys that don’t know how to fight right there, I love it.  They’re like me, if I were bigger and good at hockey!

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Have a great Wednesday!  See you again tomorrow.

Crazy Busy Off-Season Week in NHL News

 

The hockey world is aflame this week, with trades, hirings, firings, awards, HOF inductions, drafts and free agency providing us with more news that we’d get during a regular season week.  And like you, I’m quite enjoying it.

Speaking of enjoying, if you haven’t seen the Bobby Ryan/Ryan Getzlaf  (a potentially great Wheel of Fortune “before and after” question) skit, give it a gander.  It’s the perfect example of how the NHL can show it’s fans what it’s players are really like. 

As opposed to NFL players, who are like “CHECK OUT MY PERSONALITY ISN’T IT AWESOME” *beating a fan over the head with bowling pin*, NHL players tend to be more ”Nono, that suit looks great man, nice pocket square” *laced with evil*.

Okay, the major topics.

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HALL OF FAME INDUCTIONS 

What, you mean you don’t put Dino Ciccarelli above Pavel Bure, Doug Gilmour or Joe Nieuwendyk?

Okay, me neither.  Full disclosure: I thought Ciccarelli was a tough guy.  As in, had NO IDEA he was ever an offensive presence.  So that might be a bit of a red flag on his HOF selection (or a red flag on my knowledge of NHL history, I dunno).

I will say this – in the “Builders” category, the only times I’ve heard the name “Jimmy Devellano” from my Dad and his cohorts is to say amazing, amazing things about how he doesn’t get enough recognition.  So there ya go, that convo is over.

TRADES

Nathan Horton apparently wanted out of Florida, who obliged him by bending over and taking it up the tailpipe, as Jim Carrey put it in Liar Liar.  Boston is suddenly, um, scary.

By the time they get through the draft with Seguin and some other potential-packed young bucks, AND maybe make another move or two for help right now…. Look out, the East is starting to look deep like the West.  Who are you gonna pick to finish first next year: Washington? Pittsburgh? Philly?  Boston?  New Jersey?  Buffa….no.

Dustin Byfuglien got moved somewhere that’ll please his detractors, Atlanta.  It’ll please them, you see, because they’ll rarely have to watch him play.  Probably no playoffs, not much coverage; he just evaporated into Atlanta’s mainstream obscurity, where he’ll work alongside Kane and Toews Peverly and Antropov, and try to build a playoff team in the next few years.  Y’know, after winning a Cup.  Two words: ouch.  ….ouch.

What a great. trade. by Chicago.  They addressed the cap situation, got some picks to ensure that their success is sustainable, and frankly, only moved one important piece.  And for Atlanta, they get help now, which they desperately need. 

But for Hawks fans, you’re not out of the woods yet (and you’re already down  the guy you obsessed over this past season).  There’s still at least one more shocker coming, and we’re allll pumped to see who it’s gonna be.  If the rumours are any indication, Ladd could be the next to go.

HIRING/FIRING

Pat Quinn has politely been asked to step to the side to make way for Tom Renney in Edmonton, who’s officially been given the keys to the Yugo that is the Oilers.  It’s the right move, unfortunately.  Quinn is a great guy, and was a great coach, but the times, they are a-changin’.

The “new” NHL involves far more pandering to personalities and offense than it did at Quinn’s peak, where the focus was on bear-hugging your opponent and and using the 1-0-4 neutral zone defense (also, some of the focus was on convincing your goaltender that it’s acceptable to go down).  For a young team like the Oil who’ll be drafting a young star tomorrow, they needed a younger coach.

NHL AWARDS

I’m upset at ZERO of the selections, wonderfully done this year.

Henrik Sedin scored 112 points.  When his brother was down, he picked his team up.  He made plays with such vision and speed that I completely forgot to make fun of his zombie-like appearance.  He was just a terror and neither Sid nor Ovy – who both had great years – could claim that they were better than  him in the 09-10 season.  I’m happy for Henrik.

Datsyuk owns the Selke, for this stat alone: he went 30 games without a penalty, and led the league in takeaways.  How. is that. possible?  You can only trick a guy with the stick-lift so many times…. or so I thought.

Keith took home the Norris, because, um, he was the best defenseman this year.  Doughty may be a lock to win a couple in his career, and he may have been spectacular this year, but he didn’t get “there” yet.  Oh, and Duncan?  Your speech was a trainwreck.

All in all, I thought the awards show was great.  People encouraged me to watch just to see how awful they are, but…. they weren’t.  Then again, I usually like Jay Mohr (I like somewhat corny stuff), and I like any forced attempt at comedy, funny or not (hence my LOVE of stand-up comedy).  If it wasn’t for the effing awful bands that played, it would’ve been entirely entertaining.

I mean holy shit, the Goo Goo Dolls?  What the eff.  (Bad music makes me swear)

NHL DRAFT

The reality of trying to play professional hockey is, there’s always some young kid on the come-up about to take your spot.  The only solution, for me anyway, was to tune it all out.  Like, seriously – I never watched or listened to any story that pertained to young guns.  Now that I’m a writer, that has to change I suppose.

For me, the draft will be fun to watch for two reasons: trades, and to mock super-young nervous kids.  I still didn’t pay much attention to the young guys this past year.  Thus, like most of you, I know next to nothing about junior hockey/European/college players except for what I’ve read, soooo, whatever. 

But I will be live-chatting about it from like, 1pm to 7:30pm tomorrow with Yahoo’s Puck Daddy.  Expect awesome insight on players suits and their nervous ticks.

FREE AGENCY

The Isles are about to shock the world by signing Kovalchuk, Gonchar, and James.  As in, Lebron.  I’m sticking to my guns on that, and it’s going to be epic.  And we’re trading DiPietro to Vancouver to back up Luongo, and getting the Sedins and Kesler in return.  Awesome.

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ENTOURAGE is back with some new episodes soon.  Yes, and also, yesss.  I’ve missed Ari.

UPDATE: Ohmigod – as one of the nine fans serious enough to own box sets of the show, I can’t believe I didn’t mention the return of FUTURAMA tonight!  Weeeee!

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Let’s talk puck.  What’s on your mind?

 SEE YOU IN THE WORLD SERIES, BEAR.

 Oh, and BTW – how about Isner/Mahut?  Damn.

Buy and Sell: Some NHL Teams As Stocks

 

Snap back to reality, and just like that, the multicolored rings, skin-tight lycra and Giant Inflatable Beavers are a thing of the past.  Last night, the puck dropped on Colorado – Detroit, and some very important points changed hands.

Before last nights NHL game, I was seriously contemplating putting a chunk of money down on Detroit, but simply don’t have a large chunk of it, which makes putting it somewhere kinda difficult.

I once heard that the NHL, gambling-wise, is the most predictable of the major sports.  That is to say that, for the most part, the good teams are usually the good teams, and Columbus will flouder in perpetuity.  I almost made that bet, because there’s still some inevitable leveling that needs to happen for the NHL season to get back to normal, and two teams played last night that moved in the directions they’re probably going in the second half.

And that’s no knock on Colorado – I believe in them a lot more than a few of the other surprise teams – it’s a testament to Detroit’s being-Detroit-ness, and having too much team to miss the playoffs.  Combine that with the now-healthy/running-out-of-time factor, and picking against the Wings (who have a rested goalie) down the stretch is madness.

Here’s five teams (as stocks), and I’ll letcha know what to do with your money!

Detroit:

As I just mentioned, they’re decent.  Pavel Datsyuk, Henrik Zetterberg, Johan Fransen, Tomas Holmstrom, Brian Rafalski, Nicklas Lidstrom, Nick Kronwall and the discovery of Jimmy Howard are the oh-so obvious reasons why (oh, and that Babcock guy).  They haven’t been healthy, and haven’t had a chance to be “them” yet.  BUY!  BUY!

Phoenix

I wrote an article at the start of the year for the Arizona Republic trying to defend the fans lack of attendance here.  My defense for them was, the team has sucked, sucks and will suck (you can teach English as a second language using that sentence, PS).  It turns out that that wasn’t a very smart angle to take upon moving to Phoenix, as it’s made getting credentialed in the press box a skosh harder, only made worse by the fact that I was horribly, horribly wrong.

So to take the angle I’m about to take is not something I want to do.  It’s just…. look, Coyotes fans:  Your roster has to catch up to you eventually, but that’s not a good argument for you because you love your roster.  Try this on: your d-corps is playing over their heads out of this world (leading the NHL in goals by d-men, really?).  They’ve done great up ’til now.  But Anaheim is about to get a bunch better.  Detroit is too.  So is St. Louis.  Then you’ve got San Jose, Chicago and the rest of the conference to contend with.

The problem?  11 of your last 15 games are on the road (I want to say nine in a row at one point).  I’m not sure how far I expect the fall, but it’s definitely out of home ice advantage.  So sorry, sell. (NOT LITERALLY, BALSILLIE, PUT YOUR WALLET DOWN!).

Anaheim

As Hiller showed with the Swiss in the Olympics, he’s the real deal.  Anaheim did a great thing in committing to him.  What they haven’t done great this year, is win.  I’m sure last year the system of finish eighth then reveal your true colours isn’t exactly the game plan, so I think we’ll see them revealved a little sooner this year.  San Jose is praying I’m wrong – they see the potential 7/8 seeds as Detroit/Anaheim and are already packing for an early summer.  Buy yourself a little bitta Duckstock.

St. Louis

Since Davis Payne’s arrival, St.Louis has been 11 – 8 – 3, not exactly setting the world on fire.  But any team that’s leaning on a foundation of David Backes, TJ Oshie, Eric Johnson and an under-achieving goalie can get itself righted.  They’re young guys, for sure, but they’re gaining experience and confidence as they go, so buy, BUY, BUY!

Buffalo

Down the stretch, I’m less trusting of the teams that have blown expectations out of the water, because there’s a reason people didn’t pick them to finish that high in the first place (looking at their roster, how can they be this good?).  People knew Ryan Miller was good, but “world’s best” good?  They may falter because they use this guy for not just a crutch, but a walker with tennis balls on the front to slide around on.  (Would you rather finish fourth with a burned-out Miller, or sixth/seventh with a rested one?  They should let him chill down the stretch a bit).  Miller has, in the past, started much better than he’s finished, because he’s a slight guy who gets overplayed and worn down.  Look for reality to set in a bit for the Sabres, sell!

Worth Mentioning:

I think the Kovalchuk trade was huge for the Devils – I’d be picking them to drop without that move.  But there’s another reason why it’s tough to pick them to drop:   The bottom half of the Eastern Conference is horrible.  Just horrible.  Atlanta, Florida, Carolina…. there’s just too many free wins for the boys at the top to pick teams like NJ to drop.

I’d mention the Isles as a team headed south if there hadn’t already set up permanent residence there (Hey, Ricky’s hurt!) ….2-8 in their last ten (horrible prediction – the Isles finish in the bottom five, get crazy lucky and win the draft lottery, then a few months later trade some sparklingly talented kid for draft picks cause they don’t actually want to have to pay too many good players). 

As for penny-stock moves, I think you’ll see Tampa Bay and Toronto finish the season stronger than the first two-thirds.

So there ya have it!  Where am I a horrible idiot (Jim Cramer from Mad Money), and where am I an awesome genius (Justin Bourne from Bourne’s Blog)?

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Tomorrow I’ll be live blogging trade deadline day with the team at Hockey Primetime.com (here, on my blog), from like 9:30 a.m. (EST) til forever.  I’ll be on a few radio shows.  I’ll be texting my friends that play for dirt.  Come by and say hi!

 

Olympic Hockey: Day One

 

Ahhh, that Canadian hockey rap kills me.  I used to love that Tupac song.  So much so that I just YouTubed the actual song and realized how much I miss the “Westsiiieeede!” sign.  I lived in Kelowna’s Westside growing up, so I didn’t actually play for “Kelowna”, I played for “Wesst-siiddde!” – I was straight hood throwing up that gang sign.

On to the puck.

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USA: 3 – Switzerland: 1

There just wasn’t a whole lot to be gleaned about the quality of the American team from watching this game.  Nothing changed in what I think of their team – they’re talented, young and fast, but probably not quiiite as top-tier-dangerous as Russia, Sweden or Canada.  Granted, this tournament boils down to one game eliminations, and they have the best goalie, so don’t rule ‘em out.

Switzerland played a pretty defensive style for the first half of the game (which, frankly, was not exactly a thrilling spectacle of hockey), but when they did fall behind, the game opened up and made it infinitely more watchable.

The one the thing (aside from Ryan Miller) the US does have going for them, is that Patrick Kane is officially one of the ten best players in the National Hockey League.  For the first time in his career, you start getting that “oh… oh… oh crap” feeling when he gets the puck in the neutral zone and starts winding it up, the same way you get it when Ovechkin has the puck against your team.  (They also have Bobby Ryan going for them.  I’m fantasy hockey stalking him for next year.)

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Canada: 8 – Bosnia & Herzegovina: 0

Why doesn’t Norway have a better hockey team?  I mean that seriously.

They’re one of three Scandanavian countries that are at the same degree of latitude as Alaska, and the other two (Sweden and Finland) rip shit up on frozen ponds.  To top it off, it’s not like Norway doesn’t rock the party that rocks the party at winter sports.  They cross-country ski the crap out of the Olympics every year.  And are you kidding me with the biathalon?  Those MF’ers can snipe a squirrel out of a tree in Oregon after skiing the Iditarod, but we can’t strap a set of Bauer 60′s on some of these guys and make them NHL’ers?  Baffling.

Canada got what we needed – the blowout that alleviates the media vultures (hey look, it’s me!) who are dying to Stamkos/Spezza/Green poor Yzerman to death the second the team under produces.

Canadians score in a totally different way than Russia.  Russia does talented fancy stuff until the net is crazy open, or wait to shoot until it’s almost a guarantee (generalization, of course).  Canada creates by throwing the puck at the net, shooting through screens and tracking down rebounds.  We’re far less prone to puck possession.  Get it deep, go get it.  Shoot it, find the rebound.  One way isn’t better than the other (unless you’re a coach, in which case you love Canada’s style – far less risky), I’m just pointing out the difference.

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Bourne’s Bloggers from Phoenix.  Lets watch Canada/USA Together.

The “Hoser Hut”, as Cactus Jacks was affectionately dubed by a BB reader (Elliot and 48th, off the 101, near Walgreens and Safeway), will be host to a number of both Canadian and American hockey fans (okay, largely American) on Sunday, and the bar has accomodated us.

The game starts at 5:40, I’m told, and they’re doing this for us from 2:00 til 8:00:

$1 pints of Canadian (love the concept, the beer is vile)
$1 pints of Coors Light (as a result of my complaining about the Molson – and actually, they’re listing it as pints of Canadian VERSUS pints of Coors Light, so maybe I have to drink the Canadian. Should I mix the two since I’m a duelly?)
25 cent wings
$1 Chicago Dogs

So bring a ten dollar bill (a $20 if you’re crazy), your TEAM CANADA apparel and let’s have some fun!

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Random Q: New Yorkers, when I visit, do I say I’m ”in” Long Island or “on” Long Island?

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Last and least, a link to the Latvian hockey roster, because I’m obsessed with their names.  It’s like they went with plural forms of muppet names, right?  Oskars Snufalufagus.  Gonzos Cookiemonsters.

 

Canadian Lines, I Want To Punch Rick Reilly

 

It’s easy to be a hater when someone else is making the player decisions, and for Canadians, it’s been a lot of fun telling everyone the picks we would’ve made.  

I myself would like to see the roster be a little different (as I tweeted yesterday), but, at some point, the roster is set.  The team is what it’s going to be, so it’s time to love all our players like they’re our children.  Get the puck to Niedermeyer, right?!

So here’s the lines our “children” will be attacking in (I’m not sure what the plan is on D yet, but apparently these are the forward lines):

Nash – Crosby – Bergeron

Heatley – Thornton – Marleau

Perry – Staal – Getzlaf

Toews – Iginla – Richards/Morrow

 

Keith – Seabrook

Boyle - Weber

Doughty - Pronger

   Niedermeyer

 

Fleury

Luongo

Brodeur

(Yes, those goalies are in order of my preference, not Babcock’s.)

We’re rolling into Vancouver with a number of our best players hot, and bringing no excuses.  Gold or bust baby.  Gold or bust.

How do you like the lines?

*****

So, I couldn’t be much more mad at Rick Reilly.

As a kid-slash-sports-fan growing up, there was nothing better than the back page of Sports Illustrated.  I would’ve happily bought a subsciption to SI just to read the back page and throw the rest of the magazine out, had I not been penniless and ten years old.  Not that the rest of the magazine wasn’t good, it was just that “Life of Reilly” was all that mattered.  He was the best.

As many people would agree (anyone who’s followed the progression of his writing, really), his work of late has been…. um, lacking.  And don’t get me wrong - I hate when people claim to dislike the new work of people simply because it’s not exactly like the old stuff they’re familiar with.  (You know, people who only like the old Star Wars movies, or a bands first CD (they’re new stuff sucks, dude), or whatever, you get my point - it’s like they think it really highlights how they’ve been there all along, and know what works better than the artist/author/whatever.)

But the fact of the matter is, at this point, Reilly’s recent work really is dog meat.

So when a friend sent me his most recent column on being in Vancouver for the games, I wasn’t suprised when it sucked worse than Zdeno Chara would at limbo (my attempt at a Reilly joke).  The problem was, it wasn’t just bad this time, it was kind of patronizing, and with just that right amount of condescension that occasionally makes Canadians wanna plow Americans in the face for their tone.  Like somehow the people in Vancouver are idiots because they’ve been concerned about him enjoying his stay.  Don’t worry Rick, when you left, I’m sure someone said (as you would write it) ”boy eh, I’d really like to plow that chap in the face, eh?”  (I’m okay with the accent jokes – we have a way of speaking, like people from Mass., Texas, New York, Arkansas, or anywhere else.)

But the follow-up piece today – here - was like the guy was standing in front of Royal Guards in England and trying to get them to flinch, knowing they won’t.  Like because we’re polite, we’ll just stand there, drink our double-doubles (*homer-voice* mmm double-double…. damnit it’s a good coffee, whatever!) and take the abuse?

I’ve never called beer “brew” in my life.  Not one person in the 20 years I lived in Canada called the RCMP the “Armsee” or whatever-the-f**k-it-was you claimed we call them.  We usually go with “police” or “cops”.  “Pretend you plug in your engine block to keep it from freezing too, it makes them feel better” – didn’t you just saying it was raining, a few sentences earlier?  In FEBRUARY?  How cold could it possibly be there?

I get writing a light-hearted, funny article.  I’m not really that offended.  I’m just wondering – to whom did Rick Reilly go to dig up these nuggets of imaginary wisdom?  He’s sunk to pandering to the American stereotype of Canadians to entertain his readers, the same way everyone gets to feel in on the inside joke if I say the Irish like to drink (and how!).

Sure – there’s some stuff in there that was right - I’m not saying the whole thing was a wash, but a general rule, I’ve learned, is that the whole column is supposed to be somewhat accurate.  Maybe he’s right about the inferiority complex (see: everything I’ve just written), but it’s hard to blame us there.  We’re just doon’ our best, eh?

The first column started out trying to be nice and ended up offensive, the second column is just a slap in the face.  So beat it, Rick.  Jump in your Hummer, supersize your Big Mac meal and go hunt some endagered species.

What, don’t all Americans do that?

 *****

Note: I live in the States, love the US, and would stick up for this country the same way.  We are the world.  We are the children.

*****

UPDATE: As the first commenter MikeB mentions, I apparently wasn’t the first person to take a cut at Reilly.  Clearly, I didn’t get the best cut in, either.  In fact, I was pretty much swinging at an unconscious fighter by the time Kurtenblogger was done with Reilly.  Ah well.  Turns out a lot of us agree

Two-On-One Rushes

 

As corny as attaching sports success with vindication and healing may be, there’s no denying the people of New Orleans deserved a little pick-me-up.  Hell, I cry for stupid sports moments (awww, baby Brees!), I can’t imagine how this felt for them.  Let’s observe how they felt about dere Saints:

I love me some horns.

*****

The Simple Art of the Two-On-One

by jb

 

One of the best moments in hockey is when you’ve just chipped the puck past a pinching defenseman, and have picked it up on the other side.

You’re on a two-on-one.

It’s better than the breakaway, which requires top speed, optimal effort, and a lot of thinking.

The two-on-one is just relaxing.  It’s a Corona commercial with a smile.  It’s a rare treat:

You spend the whole game unloading the puck the second you get it, so it feels so good to just have it for a sec.

If I’m on my off-side (stick to the middle), I like my odds of scoring better than a breakaway.  You’ve got a built in decoy.

Some simple rules to maximize your effectiveness:

1)      If you can pass the puck early, it’s a must.  As the rush begins, the goalie has his angles set on the puck carrier, coming out from the goal-line squarely.  He knows all too well where he is in the net.  Also, the defensemen usually gives room for an early pass (just inside the blue line), so take it, and make the goalie less sure of his angle.

2)      For quick evaluation: Is the ice bad?  Are you on a two-on-one with Rockhands McDump-n-Chase?  Is the goalie hot?  What hand is your linemate?

You’re not passing on bad ice.  You’re not passing to a plug (unless the goalie and d-man make you).  You have to make a hot goalie move with a pass.  And you need to know what hand your teammate is, so you know if you’re giving him a one-timer or a re-direct.

3)      Narrow the ice (bring the puck inside the dots, at least).  Taking it wide is a good idea on a three-on-two, but you have to get yourself in a good shooting angle to make the goalie take both skaters seriously as options.  Obviously that brings you closer to the d-man, but you’re good enough to dish if pressured, right?

Let’s say you chose to shoot.  Good call.  Your coach is happy with you.

That means you want the goalie to think pass, of course.  I (and many others) usually went with a simple three-step play when I chose to keep (three steps can be simple when they all involve doing very little physically).  Goalies at the higher levels respect the shooters, and the d-man is responsible for the pass.  That said, the goalie still has to make a Herculean effort to get across when a pass is made, so he’s on in his toes jussst in case.  My method:

1)      I liked to let the goalie think he was a step ahead of me.  I’d skate in looking directly at the net like I was going to shoot.  He’s very aware you might not.

2)      After a clumsy fake shot (which lets the goalie “read” the pass), I’d make a quick move over to pass, which is just a look at your teammate, and a stick-handle in his direction

3)      Now SHOOT!  The goalie has to react quick on pass plays, so if even so much as shifts his weight in the wrong direction he’s too frozen to do anything magnificent.  There’s your edge, now just hit your spot.

If you intend to pass:

1)      Way too many looks at your teammate early on.

2)      Immediately snap your head to the goalie and drop your shoulder.

3)      Stick-handle and dish – it’s actually alright to not rush it over immediately.  It has no chance of going in if you don’t make sure it hits the guy’s tape.

What’s great about the three-parter is, you start out looking where you’re finishing, so you get to soak in the information about what’s going on around you.

If you don’t have the puck, you’re whole job is to read speeds – the defenseman’s first, then your linemates.  It’s the guy without the puck who decides if the pass across is best going behind the d-man, under his stick, or high.

You’ll think what I’m about to say is ridiculous in the wake of my easy-finish two-on-one advice, but it’s an important tip: don’t over-think it.

And this is where professionals and amateurs differ – those guys practice or play six days a week.  You play six days a ….month?  They probably take 50-70 two-on-ones a week, starting at age 15.  By the time they’re in their mid-20’s, that odd-man rush isn’t a stressful event.  It’s on auto-pilot, baby.

It’s a corona with a smile.  What does yours taste like?

*****

 

Western Conference Playoff Spots

 

The battle for playoff spots in the West is always a little more intriguing when some unexpected teams blow up and have good seasons, and this is one of those years.  Phoenix, Nashville and LA are all better than I expected, and I think better than the rest of the West had hoped.

So without really any ado, here’s how I see the bubble teams finishing up:

4th, Vancouver Canucks, 52 games played, 66 points

The only reason the Canucks get a blurb in the “bubble teams” section at all is their upcoming road trip.  They set an NHL record by being gone for something like six weeks, and playing 14 straight road games (Olympic preparation in Vancouver).  They’re 22-7-1 at home, but below .500 at 10-11-1 on the road this year.  If they survive the trip at .500, they’ll be in great shape.

{Only Washington, Pittsburgh and San Jose have scored more goals than the Canucks this year, and only New Jersey, Buffalo and Chicago have given up less.  Not bad, VanCity.  Not bad.}

5th, Phoenix Coyotes, 52 games played, 63 points

The ‘Yotes have played the majority of their games to date at home in the friendly confines of Jobing.com Arena (29), where they’re a dominant 19-8-2.  On the road, the Coyotes are an even 10-10-3 (23 games), sort of how your record is supposed to look.  With a third of the season left to play, they’re in position to push for a quality playoff spot.

Have you noticed a trend in the teams that are “overachieving”?  The Coyotes, Sabres, and Avalanche all have similar team builds, to some extent.  They’re fast over big, mostly young over mostly old, they’ve got great goaltending and most importantly, their top six forwards are almost all interchangeable as ”first line” guys.  Instead of the NBA method – pay one player to be your star and build around him – they all seem to be deeper teams without “that guy” to watch out for (the top two scorers from the teams I just listed are Tim Connolly and Paul Stastny, both below a point a game at 48 points in 51 games).

The Coyotes are going to make playoffs this year, but to have any hope of moving beyond a quick round one exit, they need to finish in 5th or 6th – 7th or 8th (versus San Jose or Chicago) would be hopeless.

6th, Los Angeles Kings, 51 games played, 61 points

The Kings seem fragile, don’t they?  Points are always easier to come by before Christmas, just like wins.  When Anze Kopitar has Ryan Smyth to help him out, he’s useful, but his production has seriously slowed down.  He just doesn’t seem like a guy who can get it done when his opponents key on him, they way the real elite stars can.  That says to me he’s not ready to be “the guy” on a team that needs one.  They’re good enough to win even with him struggling, so they’ll hang on to playoffs, but you certainly get the impression they aren’t headed the right direction.

7th, Nashville Predators, 51 games played, 61 points

I almost included the Preds in the group of “overachieving teams with the same build” from the Coyotes paragraph, but in the end, I didn’t think their Dan Ellis or Pekka Rinne deserved to be in the same class as Bryzgalov, Miller and Anderson.  Nashville could be the best team to miss playoffs this year… and I see it happening.

8th, Detroit Red Wings, 51 games played, 58 points

The depressing part for the teams on the wrong side of the playoff cutoff line looking in right now is, you’re not trying to catch Detroit’s 58 points, you’re looking at Nashvilles 61.  Detroit has played with half a team all year.  They’re the best coached team in the league, with some of the best names in the entire NHL in their dressing room (even with all they lost from last year).  The Canucks and Avalanche can start stressing now about which one of them is going to get unfortunately stuck in a (4) vs. (5) battle with Detroit.

9th, Calgary Flames, 52 games played, 58 points

What the hell happened to the Flames?  I feel like I fell asleep for an hour and they dropped a half-dozen spots.  Hmm.  1-8-1 in their last ten, with six straight losses.  By all logic, the Flames should be okay:  great goaltender, maybe the best defensive trio in the league, and a couple of guys up front who can score.  For me, the major difference between their offensive firepower and the teams “overacheiving” this year, is that their goal scorers aren’t young and energetic.  They don’t have that legs churning, relentless effort type threat right now – they’re scary in the “HolyCrapDon’tLetHimShootFromThereAWww.  They scored.” type of way.

10th, Anaheim Ducks, 52 games played, 55 points

This is the difference between the Eastern and Western conference.  The 10th and 11th place teams in the West are still really good (so are the Isles, but um, I just…. crap).  The problem is, they can’t all make playoffs, and Anaheim didn’t get off to a great start.  I don’t think they’re good enough to have a huge second half and make up for it.

11th, Dallas Stars, 52 games played, 55 points

I was waiting for them to end up in this spot in the conference, and here they are.  Dallas is a good team, but when teams like Phoenix and LA are good too, it toughens up their usually soft division.

12th, Minnesota Wild, 52 games played, 54 points

I don’t know a lot about Minnesota this year, and that’s not a good sign.  I do know when you’ve pinned a chunk of your offensive hopes on Chuck Kobasew and Andrew Ebbett, you’re in a whole heap of trouble (both are good enough players, but very shutdownable.  Yep, I can make up words on my blog.)  I guess their go-to guy is Havlat, I’m just not sure what else they’ve got.  I’m sure my oddly heavy Wild readership can fill me in on them, but from what I can tell, they don’t have a hockey teams chance in Phoenix snowballs chance in an oven.

13th, St. Louis Blues, 52 games played, 54 points

I’m sticking to my guns on the Blues, especially with the addition of Davis Payne.  They’ve got good top six forwards, good goaltending, and hopefully enough D to get into contention during the last few weeks.  I still think they’ll make a push.

 

Lundqvist as Bond, Slam Dunks as Athletic Feats

 

I’m now accepting votes for which sport has the worst highlight package.  Specifically, which sport has the most redundant one.

I used to think it was baseball – diving catch, double play, home run.  Home run, diving catch, double play.

But, I mean, basketball…. right?  OH, HE SLAMS A DUNK!  THE DUNK HAS BEEN SLAMMED! 

THAT 6’7″ ATHLETE WITH A 40 INCH VERT AND THREE FOOT ARMS PUT THE BALL RIGHT INTO THAT TEN FOOT HIGH ORANGE CIRCLE!  HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT!  NO, THE WEEK! THAAA DECAAAAADDDDDDDE!

*****

I love me some Billy Guerin, but how will we ever know when he’s done being useful?  I mean, he’s never going to lose that great shot of his, and 3/4ths of the time he’s on the ice with Malkin or Crosby.  He could be effective until he’s a hundred with those linemates, so, that’s like, um, 27 more years of guaranteed effectiveness from the guy.  Not a bad break at the end of your career.

*****

It’s rare that an analyst will get worse as he gets more comfortable in front of the camera, but then, Kevin Weekes is a true pioneer in the field.

I know I tend to talk about the sports analysts I dislike rather then the ones I do (guys like Ron Mclean, Bob Cole/Harry Neale, Kenny Mayne, Scott Van Pelt, Johnny Miller, Chris Berman/Tom Jackson etc.), but come on.  This guy is trying way too hard.  I’m not sure who he’s trying to pattern himself after, but I have a hunch it’s Don Cherry.  And that’s a sad, sad state of affairs (“Pay attention to this part right here, kids…”)

Describing the Coyotes play just now, he said “they really prevailed tonight”.  God I hate him.  After LaBarbera’s post-shootout win celebration, he went with ”I didn’t know he played the guitar!”  This guy isn’t good for my blood pressure, or the wear and tear on my mute button.

*****

So, is Henrik Lundqvist auditioning to be the next Bond in those “You are watching the NHL Network” ads?  Why is he the only human in the NHL selected to do those ads in a suit?  He should be selling cologne, or planning an art heist or something.  Christ Henrik, even Brosnan didn’t take himself that seriously.

 

*****

What are the odds Jason Spezza still plays with action figures alone in his room?  They’re possibly Ninja Turtles, and he’s definitely making sound effects for the imaginary explosions. 

 

*****

 

It’s rarely okay for reporters and commentators to use the nicknames of players, simply because they don’t know them “like that”, so it comes off as sort of desperate.  Dude interviewing Bobby Ryan asks him if he knew he needed to step up in “Getzy’s” absense. 

Whatever that dudes relationship with the Ducks and “Getzy” may be, he only knows surface-Getzy.  He wasn’t there the time he killed a hooker in Vegas, or the time he sent his twin brother on a date for him, or the summer he ate HGHios instead of the “Cheer” ones he eats now.  Use his adult name, sir, this isn’t the locker room.

*****

Happy Wednesness friends.  It’s spend your IKEA/TARGET gift cards day at the Bourne compound.  I’m thrilled.  For those of you who didn’t catch my Hockey News column yesterday (on slightly crazers hockey parents), you can click those crazy coloured letters and your fancy internet machine oughtta take you right to it.

UPDATE: Canda’s Olympic team was named.  I will now commence standing on guard for thee.

The Sedins, Free Skating at Fenway

 

When the Sedin brothers got drafted 2-3, it was a bit hokey.

As in, yes Mr. Burke, it would be neat if there was this pair of odd-looking Swedish brothers with crazy twin-sense that could dominate the league, but come on.  Tons of brothers have played in the NHL, and nobody got to call “we’re a package” before.  Lame.

A lot of Canucks fans, used to being dumped on by their team, figured they were too soft.  They started calling them “The Sedin Sisters” and all that stuff.  College kids were taking a shot every time one of them got knocked off the puck, and were needing their stomachs pumped by the third period.

Well, for those of you who hadn’t noticed yet, the investment has been seriously paying off.

Fans in Vanvouver definitely know by now, but is the rest of the league’s fan base aware?  Aware that these guys are in the leagues top 20 players, and there’s probably only a couple player-pairs on other teams you’d rather have?  They were scary good last night.  Again.  In the past, I’ve just said “scary” (read: appearance).  But they’d make me damn nervous if I was a defenseman and they had solid possession.  They certainly don’t need it long to score.

*****

 I just read Deadspin’s article about free skating at Fenway before the Winter Classic.

What a neat thing that the people putting on the game have done for the fans (the article is about how scalpers got the free tickets first and are selling them for human babies + a Kings ransom).

I just wanted to mention something about the skate, and it isn’t meant to take away from the intent of the promoters letting people skate – it’s a really nice solution actually.

I’ve gotta believe they’re having people out there skating, because (not sure if this is common knowledge) new ice is awful.

Playing professional hockey means playing in a big buildings, which also tend to host concerts, basketball games, conventions and all that other jazz.  For the most part, they’re able to just lay boards over the ice and make that the floor, but occasionally you’ll play somewhere that they just put the ice back in.

ITS HORRIBLE.

The ice comes up in big chunks, the puck slides like it does on a driveway, and it feels like the rink is uphill in every direction.

Only once it gets carved up, flooded, hacked apart, flooded, scarred and healed does it function like a normal sheet, which, I’m sure, is why the promoters have the rink in early and are “letting” locals have a free skate on it.  Well played, good sirs.

*****

Congrats to Michael Vick for winning the Eagles award for commitment to the principles of sportsmanship and courageppppfffffffffffff!!!  Haha, sorry, I almost kept it together there.

He really won that award though. 

Commitment to sportsmanship and courage, or to not breaking parole and paying off his debts?  Yep, kids, there goes a shining example of how to do it right.

*****

Here are some of my thoughts on shot blockers.  Oh, and check back tomorrow for an extra special Christmas edition!  Santa is guest blogging!  Or Jesus might – still waiting to hear back from his PR guy.

*****

Thats all for today folks.  Happy holiday shopping.  I’m gonna go buy my fiance a knife set, because it’s the easiest present you can wield to make the line shuffle left… OR ELSE.

Videos and Conversation Starters

 

WAKE UP!  Let’s get today goin’ with three must-see videos:

‘

You only need the first 30 seconds or so of this next one. A “fake robbery” prank gone wrong… I love how shady the guy is after, like “nothing to see here…”:

‘

Have you seen “Jersey Shore” yet?  God I hope not.  Unfortunately, some of us live with east coast girls who think reality TV is hilarious, and I’ll admit, this one is tough to turn away from for all the wrong reasons. For my Canadian friends, here’s a sneak peek at the high-quality television MTV is running these days (by the way, a million thanks to the news anchors for their insightful commentary on the show.)

‘

(*high-pitched* WHAT GUY DOES THAT??)

*****

 I understand how some things are tough for countries to change, like for the US, it would be expensive to switch to the reasonable system of measurement, metric.  What I don’t get, is why it would be a huge, raging difficulty for both Canada and the US to simply change our national sports to what our countries national sports actually are. 

Really, Canada?  Lacrosse?  At least Americans can debate over a couple stupid loopholes, like the word “pasttime”.  What’s our excuse for ignoring the obvious?  And not to sound like Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler, but REALLY, USA?  Baseball?  Can you be proud of yourselves being represented by A NON-CONTACT sport?  That doesn’t seem very American to me.  What gets better ratings, the Superbowl or MLB playoff “action”? 

*****

 

Jose Theodore spent two months sabotaging my fantasy hockey team from the inside, like a double agent.  After the discovery of his bad intentions and his subsequent release, he went back to his true owner, whoever it is I’m playing this week (I believe that’s you, AiH). 

 Theodore nearly put up a shutout for my opponent (head-to-head league) in a 6-1 win with a huge save percentage.  I wanted to like you, Jose, I really did.  In the prime of your career, you wore a toque on your helmet for an outdoor game.  And now, all you have are reservations for one at Justin Bourne’s Sports Hate Bar and Grill.

*****

Isn’t having “divisions” in sports just a generally horrible idea?  In all seriousness, why do we need them, just to lower travel expenses?  What would be so bad about just having two conferences and the top teams making it?

It just makes no sense to me that you can get the three seed in playoffs when you don’t have the third best record in your conference.  It also make no sense to me that good teams like the Toronto Blue Jays routinely have to take the no-jock crotch-kick of being in the same division with the Yankees and Red Sox, while teams like the Washington Capitals get 20-some night-off-free-W’s a year by being good enough to coast past Carolina, Florida, Tampa Bay or Atlanta once every few games.

*****

 Happy humpday.  Time to start holiday shopping?

D-Baggery Transcends Race, Gender, Sexual Preference

 

Yayyyyy, it’s my birthday week!

….you don’t get a whole week?  Eff that you don’t.  Gotta find something to celebrate.

So, I was born on 12/12 at 12:12.  Hence, I wore #12 everywhere it was available.

My birthday is now also the anniversary of a less awesome event.  This Saturday marks the one year anniversary of the slapshot that hit my face, which I may have mentioned, was about as fun as hanging out in the laundry room with “the sisters” in Shawshank.

So, I’m gonna have my “year-in-review” up on Friday - a recap of my journey to becoming an engaged blogumnist living in Arizona (Friday, because on my actual b’day, I’ll be cutting and pasting magazine letters into a vaguely threatening sentence to send to the guy who shot the puck), with some pictures.

*****

Follow me closely here: Some people are dicks.  All disabled people are people.  Therefore, some disabled people are bound to be dicks.  I’ll do a Venn diagram later.

I explained it like that because the sentence “some disabled people are dicks” seemed a little harsh to lead with, but it’s true.

Similarly, during the course of the “lay off the gay slurs in hockey” stuff, I realized something.  Some gay people, like straight ones, are entirely capable of being assholes too.

The less-than-desireables, of course, don’t take away from the fact that everybody deserves equality, regardless of our differences, but lets face it - in every group, there’s some people who’d rather trip you for a laugh than give you a stick of gum.

I found that little tidbit out playing disabled sports with my brother.  Here’s equal rights at it’s finest: It’s equally possible that this parapalegic deserves a face-punch as much as ’ol walkey-pants over there.  When you get to the point that you can say “go eff yourself, a-hole”, because a disabled guy is an a-hole, you’re really seeing past the wheelchair.

I’d show up to the court for wheelchair basketball all excited.  Just daydreaming… So cool that these athletes exercise as-much or more than most able-bodied people.  So cool that that these people are making the best out of their abilities.  So cool that – “Dude, you just ran over my toe again”.  “Well then get outta the f***in’ way”.

“…Dick.”

Which brings me to some of my favourite stories of “true equality”.

(In my defense of the following, when Jeff, the bigger, stronger brother, got a hold of me, I was generally a pretzel before I could say “a-salt”.  I had about as much chance of out-muscling him as my kitten has of paving the driveway)  (….okay, fine, booooo salt joke).

1) When we were kids, we sat across from each other at the kitchen table.  My side was against the wall, and Jeff’s side had stairs (going down) behind it.  When I was pissed at him, I’d push the table into him so he’d roll backwards towards the stairs.  He started setting his brakes at dinner.  High comedy.

2) We had an elevator in our house, from the deck to the downstairs, where our rooms were.  The outdoor elevator had a sensor on the bottom, so when we were fighting, I’d chuck a basketball under there so it couldn’t go all the way down.

Picking on each other and fighting is part of what being brothers is about.  Jeff routinely shot tennis balls at my junk, because it’s really funny when any dude gets hit in the junk with a tennis ball, and I couldn’t move fast enough to avoid it.  Well played, sir.

He’s just about the nicest, kindest dude in the world, and the guy has played his metaphorical two – seven off-suit like he’s holding aces.  And of course, on the rare occasions he was being a dick, I told him so.  And vice versa.

My point with all this?  I’ve learned from my experiences with the disabled community that it’s okay to say this:  Some of the member of the gay community have been epic-level assholes towards me throughout my attempt at minimizing gay slurs.  Lighten up.  Just because I wanted a major publication to correct an article they wrote that misrepresented me as gay, doesn’t mean I hate gays, and doesn’t mean I don’t get to point out when you’re being d-bags, just like everyone else.  Cause you know what?  A few of you are d-bags, again, just like every other group of people on the planet.

Can’t we all just get along?

*****

And for the rest of you that’ve been ever-so kind and polite towards me…

It’s my birthday week yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Timing, Tiger and Tomatoes

 

Breakaways are pretty rare.  In practice, if you beat the goalie on a deke, he sort of gives up and slides out of the net.  There’s no desperate swing/dive reaction, because, whatever.  It’s practice.  And most of the time, Tendy’s not even gonna go down. He’s going through the motions out there, with that “starter” spot pretty well locked up.

So it’s hard to know just how effective your moves are.  Thus, when you’d get a breakaway in the olden days, it was panic central.  Holy-crap, holy-crap, holy-crap-time.

The shootout era has changed this.  It’s given guys more opportunities to take uncontested breakaways on goalies that are actually trying.  Guys are getting a better feel for what’s effective, what timing and what pacing works, all that good stuff. 

So here’s what I learned thanks to shootouts: the speed of attack is key.  Mostly, that the goalie can’t vary his speed as easy as the shooter can.

So, starting out top speed will get the tender backing up quick, then you can slow it right down, let him back up damn-near under the crossbar, and shoot.  For deke’s, the opposite.  Start slow, and pick up speed so the goalie is still at the top of his crease.

Thanks for the help on breakaways, whoever introduced the shootout!

‘

*****

I love the “do athletes deserve privacy” question that keeps coming up as a result of the Tiger Woods case. 

Yyyyyes.  Yes they do.

I don’t get it.  People say stuff like “if you take all that money, and you’re in the spotlight, you’re willingly sacrificing your privacy for a public life”.  Why?

So you’re really really good at hockey as a kid, dominating everyone, and an NHL team wants to sign you.  They offer you millions of dollars.  You’re supposed to pass up being a millionaire because you don’t want people to know when you fight with your wife?  “Sorry, Blackhawks, I appreciate the millions of dollars you offered, but I’d rather not have my picture taken.  Like, ever”.  Athletes need to choose between being successful at their sport and not being TMZStalked now?

In Tiger’s case, maybe you can argue that by doing advertisements for stuff, he’s sacrificed some right to his own privacy, but honestly, I’m not seeing that either (but it’s still super-petty to hock razors as a f**king billionaire).

{Tangent Brackets: I said this in a comment below, but thought it was worth running in the body of the blog:

The “Hey… It’s Tiger” is funny in so many ways I’m not sure where to start.  ….it’s like the phrase the police would try to get you to say to officially incriminate you in a drug bust “…so you’re, willing to sell me this COCAINE for MONEY. What’s the powdery white stuff called again?” is equal to “Hi, it’s TIGER”.}

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Hannah Storm wore straight-up camo today. 

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If you get up and pour a bowl Special K Red Berries, and don’t actually get any red berries, do you think it forecasts your day?  Like, lets say you were eating Lucky Charms.  You pour a bowl.  ZERO marshmallows.  The odds of that are near impossible.  Do you let that convince you that that day is going to suck?

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And last -- the slightly more expensive “on the vine” tomatoes at the grocery store.  What’s the etiquette on just picking the ones I need, like, right off the vine?  You pay by weight, and I don’t need to donate 18 cents to stems do I? 

I needed two tomatoes for a salad yesterday.  Some guy is watching me pick my tomatoes off-the-vine at the on-the-vine section.  There was an audible “pff”.  Like, disappointed in me.  F**k him, right?

*****

 (Language warning for those of you who take life to seriously)

Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked

Gary, Unharried

 

Everyone seems to hate Gary Bettman, and I think I’m supposed to too.  I’m just not certain why.

Sure, I know he can seem smug and unlikeable.  And I haven’t always agreed with everything he’s said, or the way he promotes (or rather, doesn’t) the NHL.  But overall, I think he does the job pretty well.

Canadians, more than anyone, hate the guy.  Check out the Macleans magazine interview with him.  I couldn’t get over the questions he was asked, like he has some grand plan to royally f**k the game, screw Canada specifically, then disappear into the mountains somewhere.

Somehow to the interviewer, the fact that Canada didn’t get another hockey team overshadowed the more important stats – that the league has been doing better in all the major categories (revenue, attendence, merchandise, etc.) for four years now.  The game is fun to watch again, players are earning fair contracts, and teams that we once feared we’d lose (I’m looking at you, Alberta) are on solid ground thanks to revenue sharing (and a stronger Canadian dollar).

I can’t imagine how much Bettman has learned in his days as Commissioner.  This guys knows the ins and outs of the job better than any new guy handed the baton would, and think – is there really a commissioner in any sport that’s liked?  David Stern (NBA) is an asshole, right?  Bud Selig (MLBA) is an asshole too, isn’t he?  And what of Goodell (NFL)?  What’s he so mad about in all his interviews?

It’s a tough, unpopular job.  You’re the figurehead that absorbs the abuse, in Bettman’s case, the chastising taken for trying to restore the league into the American consciousness.  Just because you disagree with the guy doesn’t make him a pedarest or something.  He hasn’t committed an actual crime along the way that I’m aware of, did he?  Did he test positive for steroids somewhere along the line?

There were times in the US when the NHL was a punchline.  Not only were no highlights shown on TV (or respect given anywhere, really), but I think I only heard about the league when metaphors for dead things were needed.  Yup. Dog got hit by a car. I walked out the front door, and he was just layin’ there, deader than the NHL.  Poor thing never had a chance.  Sports radio hosts crucified it.  These days, those same hosts are scrambling to get to know the league again so they can at least hold a conversation on our resurgent sport.

The league has done a great job of taking Crosby and Ovechkin, making them saviours, and watching the game grow with them.  Crosby winning a cup?  No small potatoes for a league that certainly needed a boost like that.  People actually tuned in to watch it happen (watch, this year it’ll be an Atlanta/Nashville final).

I’m not saying I wanna hang out with Bettman.  Let’s just acknowledge that he has done some good for the game, and that he might have one of the toughest jobs in America.  Probably the toughest job in sports.

If you read my blog, you probably like hockey.  And Bettman has done well to bring the game back into the “major four sports” category.  You can’t hate on that.

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Random sidebar: The coach of the Kansas Jayhawks football team is “under investigation” (what, for eating porkribs for breakfast?  Have you seen the size of this guy?) for apparently “grabbing a player, jamming his finger into his chest”… and something else inconsequential.  There might be more, but I just heard that much on SportsCenter.

I’ve been sitting on stories about my junior coach, waiting to turn it into a five part series or something but… f**k.  These kids are reporting their coach because he got slightly physical?  And they’re football players?  No wonder they’ve started losing games.

My junior coach had a “f**k up and get hacked” rule.  You didn’t listen, he shot a puck at you.  And not low.  He pinned me to the glass with his stick under my throat for laughing while he was explaining something.  Skated nearly the length of the ice after seeing me laugh.  It wasn’t cool, but whatever.  What, I’m gonna quit cause I have to listen?  Report it to SportsCenter?  Get a lawyer? 

Man up, Kansas.

*****

One more thing.  To the woman he did this to her poodle for Halloween… go sit in the corner and think about what your life has become.

 

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