Aimless, Arbitrary, and Awesome

On a daily basis, I scribble down random thoughts I have and dumb things I do.  Periodically I print a few. This, is a.d.d. at its finest:

A buddy came up with a great way to avoid misleading player stats in hockey, and now it seems so obvious.  Why is points-per-game a stat, when it should be points-per-minute?  Wouldn’t it be easier to dig up diamonds in the rough if you could prove that some kid who scores every tenth game is twice as productive as someone scoring every fourth game, simply because he gets a fraction of the playing time?  Seems like a practical stat, no? 

(Fact: using this simple theory, Sidney Crosby is still nine times as productive as Taylor Pyatt.  In other ground-breaking news, people like ice cream in the summer.)

*****

Today, I remembered to answer a business call in my most professional voice while driving.  Unfortunately, I didn’t remember that I was pumping “Hot Steppa” in the car.  There’s a chance it detracted from my credibility.

*****

An expression I recently heard and liked:  “If at first you dont succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you”. 

no she didn't.

An expression I recently saw and loved: 

*****

I just hate Carlos Mencia so much.  I just watched six hour-long DVD’s on the history of comedy, the pioneers, the classics, the gems.  The fact that he gets mentioned at all on a DVD with so many great names rattles me.  Who does he think he is, acting like he’s doggedly fighting to raise minority awareness or something.  Ha! to that.  He exploits them for a living.  He makes Mexican jokes that appeal to the slower class, and aren’t that clever.  He’s basically Larry the Cable guy without the likability.

*****

An old joke from the “Make ‘em Laugh – The Business of Comedy” box set that I still love is about the trials and tribulations of Nelson Mandela, who endured 27 years of jail time and torture, to finally get freed to his home and his wife.  Six months later, divorce.  Chris Rock, fake-quoting Mandela:  “I can take beatings, abuse, torture and misery, but I just CAN’T. TAKE. ANY MORE OF THIS WOMAN!”. 

*****

How important is having a solid pillow?  To phrase it like Seinfeld, who arrre these people who want the squishy, supportless pillow?  They must exist, since hotels strictly cater to these people who clealy enjoy resting their head on a napkin and six feathers. I hope you’re comfortable, because you’re RUINING IT FOR THE REST OF US.

*****

Michael Vick got re-instated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, I assume because he believes that everyone deserves a second chance, except dogs that suck at fighting.  Those we drown permanently.

*****

What is it about awful pants that’s satisfying the jones for booze in John Daly?  Maybe just feeling like an extremist again?  I hope this new image overhaul is panning out for him, cause I know it’s been a huge pain having to adjust the contrast on my TV everytime him and his pants make a cameo.

*****

What was so immovable when they built the Houston Astros new stadium that they had to build an uphill slope in centerfield?  An indian burial ground?  Used PED needles from the 90′s?  Maybe hockey teams should look at designing some completely arbitrary features like this.  Maybe a random ramp at one of the blue-lines so guys can do freestyle skiing moves mid breakaway.  Canada would dominate that sport.

*****

Has anyone heard an interview with the classic band “Spinal Tap”?  Can we get them a radio show or something?

****

Jimmy Fallon is money in the late night spot, but it makes me not want to watch when he has to do those awful “commercials” where he holds a Sprint phone up and talks about how and why he loves it for a minute or two.  They have to realize this is a major turn off soon. Embarrassing for Fallon, no?

*****

I had no idea Hawerchuk was the first to jump on the Lemieux-Gretter ’87 Canada Cup goal pile until I saw a random clip yesterday.  I’m gonna ask him some question about that when he’s at our fantasy camp like “why were you an entire zone behind at the time”?

*****

There!

That cleans my idea locker out a bit.  What are your thoughts?

Lawson Translation

The Islanders have signed a third starter, Martin Biron, to a one year, $1.4 million dollar contract.  I just. don’t. get it.

So then, we’re admitting DiPietro is beyond being a functioning goalie, right?

I mean, it makes no sense to sign someone to well over a million dollars if you intend for them to play in the AHL.  And we aren’t going to trade Biron or Roloson, both of whom we just signed, or we simply wouldn’t have signed them.  So this was the Islanders admitting DP is a no-go, wasn’t it?

Lawson reads the play before you do, and plays the puck like Marty Turco

The Sound Tigers had a stud in net last year in Nathan Lawson, who didn’t see NHL games at the end of the AHL season strictly because the BPST’s needed him too bad (truf).  If they were looking to lock up a talented kid with scads of potential starter for the Sound Tigers, they had Lawson in their hands (statline: 2.16 GAA, .927 Save %, 19 wins, 9 losses -- better than Mannino in every category).  Who knows if he’ll sign without getting a NHL -- AHL two way, which the Isles won’t do (15 years looked crazy, but 4 NHL goalie contracts looks bat-shit crazy).  So should we shuffle Laws into the “Islanders squandered talent” bin?  They better at least lock him up for Bridgeport somehow, and soon… or someone will.

*****

Ahhh, the Red Sox got rid of Julio Lugo, at last.  He never really fit in there, did he?  Never quite had the swagger, always kinda looked weak.  I’m sure Sawks fans shed zero tears, and are already demanding results of the new guys.

By the way, has the Sox morphing into the Yankees over this decade turned anyone else off?  So much for the scrappy underdog taking down those Rockefeller-esque Yankees.  They’re just poured outta the same mold at this point.

*****

Like me, you may find it hard to sit through 36 seconds of “metal”, or whatever we’re calling that genre of “music”, so you may want to mute this.  I think I actually like it better with sound though.

“

*****

So good news, for those of you who have subscribed to the blog.  You’re about to get your first bonus offering from Bourne’s Blog!  I’m going to take questions from now until the Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp that you may have for any of our ex-NHL stars, ask those questions, and do a fun little question and answer write up for you.  I think I may do this throughout the year with current NHLers that I’m still in touch with too.

I feel safer when he wears gloves.

So, you have your pick, ask a question to any of the following:  Battlin’ Billy Smith, Dave Semenko, Bryan Trottier, Dale Hawerchuk, Doug Bodger, Steve Shutt, Ron Flockhart, Cliff Ronning, Larry Melnyk, Gary Nylund, Clark Gillies, or of course, my Dad.

Two weeks from now that crew will be on the ice with our guests, pulling groins, tweaking backs, and generally keeping ibuprofen providers in business.  Lookin’ forward to it!