New USA Today: asking the question “is finishing your check (especially in playoffs) actually the right thing to do?”

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Masters Masters Masters Masters Mastersssssss Week!

My post from 2009, Why I Love The Masters or, if you prefer an actual golf writer who’s actually good at writing about golf, read Shane Bacon’s post from today).  Between playoff races and the Masters starting up, the blog should be on point this week.  Also, I still haven’t bought a new car since the wreck, and my parents are in town, meaning they stole back their car, soooo….. I’m confined to the house.

Hey, shut-in blogging, it’s how this whole thing started.  Come along for the ride.

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I’ve put in a request with Easton for a prize to run through Bourne’s Blog.  I want to do a contest during playoffs….. I’m just not sure what yet.

I’ll be taking suggestions on the contest today, announcing the prize sometime this week, and finalizing the contest around that same time.

I’m thinking you make your pick for the Cup on the day I finalize it (in the comments), then we have a tiebreaker between all the people who took the same team.  Perhaps a Conn Smythe choice, perhaps a playoff-leading scorer…. what do you think?

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So, I’m in week two of getting a little better ergodynamic set-up to type (my lovely mother bought me an office chair), and my carpal tunnel thing has already pretty much packed it’s bag and started apologizing.  Amazing, who’d have thought sitting on the couch wouldn’t be the ideal set-up for writing?

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As you know if you follow me on twitter, I made the finals of my own fantasy hockey league for the second straight year (it’s only been around two years).  Last year I lost in the finals….and lost a bottle of crown royal (a debt I’ve still yet to pay. It was financial at the time, and laziness since.  I better get on that).

This is me. Cutthroat.

Anyway, here’s the “issue,” you fantasy hockey studs.  My league allows a maximum of five pick-ups per week, which is fun – it allows for lots of player movement and decision-making.  Thing is, in a 16 team league, there’s not really anyone decent to pick up, so I rarely made a move – a mere 16 over 24 weeks.

After Saturday night, I was narrowly losing my semi-final match.  I had all three categories of goalie stats (and assists) locked up, but was losing pretty much everywhere else, putting me down 6-4-2.  I hadn’t made a single move all week, so I made what I consider to be the equivalent of the desperation, pull-the-goalie style move.

I added four players who played on Sunday – I figured anyone is better than no one.  Given that I already had three guys going, I suddenly had a near-full line-up compared to my opponent.  It literally came down to me needing four shots between Matt Duchene and Erik Johnson in the last game of the day to get in, otherwise, no soup.

I got four shots exactly, and celebrated with vigour, as Bri would attest.

I could not be more proud of this maneuver, and figure since it’s within the rules, it’s within the rules. 

Fair or unfair of me?  Keep in mind, I now have four dogs on my team going into the finals, and the guy I’m playing picked up two of the good players I dropped today, so…. I’m hooped.  Still, second is better than third.

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There’s a couple great playoff races going on right now, and two big games will be played out tonight.  I watched more hockey this weekend than I have in ages (thanks to Bri working on a Saturday, than going to some dance performance.  I drank six Hoegaarden’s and tweeted.  Yay!)

Thought I came away with: I’m looking forward to seeing the Maple Leafs, Islanders and Devils next year – all three look to be a whole hell of a lot better.  Only problem with that is, when you all get better….. are you any farther ahead?  Love to see the Isles and Leafs crack playoffs.

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This is a fun week – the start of the best sports weeks of the year.  Get involved, get excited.

First and very foremost today, HAPPY 30TH BIRTHDAY to my old balls brother, who a couple weeks ago wasn’t sure if he’d make it to today.  Well he did, bringing his total to 10,950 days of not dying in a row.  A pretty nice streak to put together.  Very consistent.  Love ya bro.

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I’ve been asked what I’d like my intro music to be for my weekly spot on XM’s fantasy hockey show.  Yes, I’m still giving advice on fantasy hockey despite being below .500 in my own league.  Hey, Butch Harmon can’t break 90, take a hike.  Any suggestions?  It’s gotta be something badass – after much cogitation, I’m thinking of using the ten-second-in point of “Hip Hop” by Dead Prez:

Wow, that sounds a little tinny on the computer.  I swear that baseline is cool in my car.

What about something from my favourite band, Jimmy Eat World?  A little Pain?

If you don’t like that song, you can stop reading here and go back to Rick Reilly.

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Frank (the Tank) from Alaska has fired me a few topics over the past couple weeks, and they seem like good ones to address.  I’ll start with a fun one today.

Unwanted attention from “puck bunnies” (simply to be known as “pucks” from here out.  That’s how they’re known in the locker room anyway.  It’s been minimized to ”she’s a puck” due to the ridiculous amount of words that follow “puck”).

I’m in the midst of writing a column on the not-so-elusive puck bunny.  Her natural habitat is in the arena, and her modus operandi involves being ever-so-slightly underdressed and ever-so-boldly overmakeuped.  Yes, overmakedup is a word, just ask any middle school teacher.  The player’s Moms hate them, though their Dads are less inclined to feel as negatively about their existence.

The best of the best can earn an unflattering team-nickname-related monikers.  In my day, the Vernon Vipers girls were known as ”Viper Pipers”.  Please note that I had a girlfriend for all those years, as I’m sure my Mom and un-puck-like fiance would encourage me to point out here. 

Moving on.

But Frank makes a good point.  What about the girls who seem to want to be pencilled into that category?  What’s goin on in their kitchens?  The ones who’re conviniently (and conspicuously) hanging around the right places – by the cars, the post-game meal restaurant, wherever – even though nobody wants anything to do with them (“them”, being the specific, uninvited type).  I want one of them to walk me through their thinking.

What’s worse is that it makes it look like we, as players, support the pseudo-stalking.  No, I didn’t invite her.  I don’t know why she’s here either.  Who knows her?  If we find out that someone invited this same girl that’s been hanging around for the last three months, its a fine.  And nobody ever gets fined.  Some how these girls just keep showing up at the right places, like the locker room is bugged.

Forgot to photocopy her ID next to the #, apparently.

 I assure you, that behaviour is not encouraged.  My family doesn’t want to see my name on a non-hockey-specific sign. When the attention is a completely unprompted anomaly, how do you explain it away?  Why does our reputation always seem to be on the hook when some girls out there are simply a skateblade short of the scene in Psycho?

As I may have mentioned in an article that drew some uh, feedback, the hockey culture is incredibly misogynistic.  And I occasionally make jokes about oh, I dunno, the WNBA and the like, so I’m aware I’m no saint.  Thus, at the risk of once again putting myself in the crosshairs, let me lay out the reasons women should be at men’s hockey games (editors keep correcting my use of “girls” to “women”. I wasn’t aware being termed a “girl” was derogatory, as has been recently discussed in a comments section. “Lets go boys” might be the most overused mid-game expression in our sport, and my feelings aren’t hurt.  But anyway.  Onto the reasons).

1. You like hockey.

Crazy concept, I know.  A lot of women love the game for the same reason a lot of men do: … it’s great.

2. Your husband/fiance is on the team.

Obviously.  You’re married (or to be married).  End of explanation.

3. Your boyfriend is on the team.

Ah, the puck bunny loophole.  “Boyfriend” means different things to different people.  Memorizing a guy’s bio, listening to his interviews and staring at his picture may make it feel like you’re together, but unless you know his family, save yourself the hour of pre-game prep (minimum?) and go play Farmville.  Whatever that is.

4. Your son is on the team.

That should be the number one reason to be there, actually.

5. ….um… anyone got a #5?

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The floor is yours people.  Keep the sexist slander to a minimum, if you don’t mind.

Finally, FINALLY, I’m in a real, permanent home.  Or at least as close to permanent as possible without buying one.  My bags are (getting) unpacked, the intenet is fast, and watching a TV this big in a living room this small is like being at IMAX.  It’s amazing.  Oh, and as an aside, I got the NHL and NFL packages.  But that’s just as an aside.

A major side effect of playing sports for a living is travel.  As athletes, most people realize that the pro’s of the job so heavily outweigh the cons that it’s not even worth the breath to complain, but permanently living somewhere temporary does suck. 

After I moved out of the house in which I lived for nearly three years in college, I haven’t unpacked until today.  I lived in a small apartment with the Alaska Aces, then split my summer between Kelowna (BC) and New York with the family and GF, then New York for hockey, then Bridgeport, then Utah, then Bridgeport, then Utah, then Kelowna/New York, then Hershey, Reading, Boise, Kelowna/New York and most recently, my parents place in Arizona while Bri and I found this place.

I finally f**k**g unpacked.

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I’ll keep it mostly hockey today, because lets be honest, that’s probably why you check this site.

Drop it, I'm open!

I saw something disturbing in a rec league game the other night, and it reminded me of something that I’d seen as a kid, and needs to be stopped before it can spread.

The guy on the other team triple tapped his stick on the ice to call for a pass… again, from the other team.  You know, the minor hockey move where the other team has the puck, and kids would just blindly pass it to anything they thought was a teammate - shadows, sounds, smells, whatever – so you could tap your stick and get a pass from just about anybody on the ice.

But this was a 30 year old adult male of the species.  You should have seen how hilarious it was, the guy hunched over his stick, doing those quick rabbit taps.  I blushed I was so embarrassed for him.  Yes, the move is that pathetic that I blushed.

In other sports, I’m a major fan of some things that people consider unethical, but I’d call gamesmanship.  If you can steal signs in baseball, why wouldn’t you?  They’re the ones who “need” to agree on a pitch, but don’t want to say it out loud – If you can figure out a “tell” in poker, you use it.  You’re trying to win.  So if you know what pitch is coming because their signs involve holding up ACTUAL SIGNS, sit on that fastball. 

Similarly, football is the perfect sample of the American rat race in general – anything to get ahead.  If that means renting a blimp and dangling into a stadium to get cellphone videos of the Jets 4-3 defense the day before you play them, then I say good on ya.

But the stick tap?  Grow up.

{Tangent brackets – don’t even call for passes from your own team with the stick tap.  Call for the damn puck like an adult so he/she can at least hear your voice.}

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Plus, a good coach could throw the flag AT the ref.

Why can’t every sport institute football’s “challenge flag”?  It’s great that there’s some humanity involved in calling sporting matches.  That way refs can feel the momentum and energy, and adjust their calls accordingly.  But a missed call on a crucial play can unfairly penalize an undeserving team. 

It wouldn’t be used for calls like “hey, that was a foul” in basketball, but like “hey, that ball was actually fair” in baseball.  *flag*  or “hey, the puck hit their defenseman last before going over the glass, the draw should be inside.”  *flag* 

What’s so great about the challege flag, is that if you’re right, the game became more fair.  If you’re wrong, you lose your privileges, and we don’t have to put up with your petty grievences for the rest of the game, cause clearly, you’re frequently wrong.

Look how great its been for tennis.

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Despite the fact I had a tough first week in Fantasy Hockey (in my defense, the guy I played had not just a killer week, but also a shutout from CRAIG ANDERSON, and a short-handed assist… there’s two free “W’s”), I’ve agreed to be a weekly fantasy hockey “expert” on XM radio.  I’ll run my latest interview on my blog as soon as I get it.

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In other news, Glenn Beck narrowly edged out Gary Bettman for the person my readers would most like to punch.  I’ll be booking the flight to deliver that gift ASAP.

Okay, the Bourne’s Blog Fantasy Hockey League is going down, I just looked into it.

A couple questions, for those of you who said you’d sign up:

Do we want a “Head-to-Head” league, “Points” league, or a ”Rotisserie” league?

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The differences:

Head to Head: versus one team “manager” in particular, with a point awarded for each statistical category won that week versus your opponent (goals, assists, plus/minus, etc.)

Points: a season-long system that awards three points for a goal, two for an assist, one for plus/minus, 0.4 for a shot etc.

Rotisserie: teams are ranked in every category (goals, assists, etc.), with points being awarded based on where you sit in the league in that particular category.  This is done for all seven categories, and an overall leader emerges from that.

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They all sound good to me, but I think Head-to-Head makes for better verbal abuse potential (when playing for no-money, the only real motivator).  Also, I think the Rotisserie thing sounds neat; in reality, it’s probably the most fair way to figure out who’s doing the overall best, but it may not be as fun.  I could see myself losing interest in the “Points” system by about November when six of my 15 guys are hurt and four are Islanders.

It’s gonna be the BBHL – Bourne’s Blog Hockey League.  There’s really only two other things to decide, and then I’ll create the league (I started to this morning, but needed some consensus opinions). 

One:  What day is the best day for a live, online draft for everyone?  It can take, according to Yahoo!, “several hours”, but you do have the option to set the thing to “autopick” if you can’t be a part of it.  I personally would rather do it during a day sometime next week, like maybe Wednesday/Thursday, but I realize some of you have “jobs” that “pay money”.  A Saturday would be fine too, and probably easier for everyone too.  Sundays, however, are for nothing-doing.

Two: Think up a good team name.  That’s half the battle here, people.

Oh, and one other thing.  We definitely have to play for something, even if it’s not money. 

Like, the loser has to comment under the name “I finished last in the Bourne’s Blog Fantasy Hockey League because I know nothing about hockey and I suck and life and therefore my comment is void”.

Actually, the running loser may have to go under some variation of that name as soon as the first month of the season.

And if I lose, maybe I have to do something like a monthly post on how bad I suck at Fantasy Hockey, or put an asterisk at the bottom of all hockey articles:

*Justin Bourne doesn’t actually know what-the-f**k he’s talking about, as verified by the BBHL standings.

Thoughts on what we play for?

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We’re able to change a lot of the league settings, so we could have up to 20 teams.

Those of you who want in, send me the email address you want used to jtbourne@gmail.com, and I’ll communicate with you about the league that way so it doesn’t have to be on the blog for other readers to become annoyed with.

From comment responses yesterday, we’re up to about 10 teams already, so get at me fairly soon so we can figure out the when, what and who’s of our league.

So yeah!  That’s all for today folks.  Should be a fun addition to the season of blogging.