Car Colour, Dining Out, ESPN & MJ

Gooood (Monday) morning!  It’s 7:00 am here, and I’ve already had a bowl of Cheerios, a cup of coffee and a steam bath, so I’m at a rare level of awake for blogging.  How fun.

Before I really begin, I just gotta say – in the first 27 years of my life, I’ve cared exactly zero percent about hockey in the summer, save for my own personal fitness.  And even that was a battle.  I forced myself to the gym, and dragged my ass onto the ice as early as possible in the day so the rest of the afternoon and beyond could be free.  I didn’t follow the draft, free agency, nothin’.

I played baseball, I worked, and far more importantly, I golfed.

So now, in this new career has a “hockey guy” or whatever you want to label me as…. this is painful.  I realize most of you come to my blog to read about hockey.  But NOTHING HAPPENS IN JULY (UPDATE: Okay, Kovalchuk finally signed with the Devils. I’ll address that tomorrow).  Take a little break, like Bob McKenzie and his twitter account are.  I don’t really care to speculate on where so-and-so might get dealt, what the needs of the 11th place team in the East are (unless that happens to be the Isles), etcetera etcetera.  And that’s not going to change.

So until someone is paying me to discuss those things, I see no reason to start forcin’ it (the “forcin’ it” reference is six paragraphs down).  Besides, we have awesome things to discuss today: cars, restaurants, Michael Jordan, Twitter and Bri.  LETS DO THIS.

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This is the slightly-too-expensive one she wants. Balllerrrrr.

Right off the top (um, we’re 250 words in), the Mrs. asked me to poll my readers.  Bri’s lease is up on her white Mazda 3 in like six weeks, so we’re on the car hunt for her.  Okay, she’s on the car hunt, and I’m the blinders to her horse, keeping her eyes away from as many sparkling Beemers, Benz n Bentley’s as possible (anyone get that rap reference?).

So, the question she wants me to pose to you is…. does choosing a white or black car make that much of a difference for temperature?  I know your knee-jerk reaction to that question was yes, because it’s just one of those things that’s been beaten into us.  And I know MythBusters tested this “myth” and confirmed that YES, a black car does heat up more than a white car.  But to me, if it’s cookin’ hot outside, you get in your car and it sucks regardless, then you pump the AC and it’s fine.  So get the car you want.

(Part of me says that because I had that beaten into me when I got a car here, so I have a white Altima with tan interior and tinted windows, and every time a black one drives by I wanna sideswipe it so it doesn’t look so much prettier than mine…. which it does.)

So here’s the poll.  Vote or die! (Or whatever the expression is that marketers and P. Diddy use to get young, “hep” kids to vote)

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Instant ghettofication of a main course salad.

I can’t stand when restaurants – without special request – give you salad dressing on the side.  I can make my dinner at home, thanks.  Now I have to mix my own salad at a restaurant?  Do you have a big bowl and some tongs I could use, at least?  No?  Okay, I’ll just push it around then (y’know, since it’s a full bowl/plate) and end up with half the salad on the table.

For those of you who like light or heavy dressing you’re the ones who are particular, so you’re the one who should have to request something special or different, like I dunno, dressing on the side.  Quit making restaurants be frustrating for the rest of us.

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While I’m beating up on the food industry…. If someone pays for food at your establishment (now matter how low-grade it may be), they shouldn’t have to clean up like they’re doing dishes when they’re done.  How are yearly profits for the fast-food industry?  They can’t hire some minimum wage kid to clean up after their patrons?

Thanks for your $6.75, here’s your (delicious) chemical-packed processed food, be sure to tidy up on your way out. 

I TOOK MORE KETCHUP THEN I NEEDED, SUCK ON THAT.

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twitter.com/briannagillies

As I’ve mentioned before, I get mixed reviews on running/tweeting cat pictures.  The solution?  Brianna Gillies Twitter account.  She tweets infrequently at best, and usually only because we’ve had a couple cocktails, but I expect that to change after I gave her a good Twitter lesson yesterday.

Follow Justin on Twitter here

She claims she’ll be stepping up her tweet game (she’s actually pretty funny, even though she’s a girl  /Bissonnette’d), so hop on board for some more Bourne-based fun.  The real secret is that when I want to tweet a cat pic, I’ve got her twitpic address saved in my phone so I can use her account too.  Heh heh heh.  Sneaky.

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I loved me some MJ in the day.

If the year’s sportsgasm happens in April, this is the year’s moment of regret and self-loathing.  ESPN is currently dragging itself through the desert in search of water – AKA sports news – in a bad way right now.  Thus, we get Michael Jordan all over ESPN’s Uno through Ocho, making pretty dull remarks about an over-covered topic.

Therefore, I shall dig the hole deeper by commenting on those comments, just like ESPN.

He said he’d have never called up Larry Bird and Magic Johnson to be teammates the way Lebron did with Wade and Bosh (BTW, is Bosh Magic or Bird?  How much credit are we giving that guy?).  My only question on those comments are….

Okay, you wouldn’t have done that – but had you gone seven years and consecutive MVP titles without winning a title, looked ahead and didn’t see Pippen, Kerr and the chance to contend on your team, and had the opportunity to join “Bird and Magic”…. you wouldn’t have then?

I think that’s an easy, predictable statement for MJ to make from where he (and his legacy) are sitting.

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Thassit thassall today folks.  UPDATED: Kovalchuk has resigned with the Devils!  A hockey blog tomorrow, yyayyyyyy!

Brendan and Brian Burke. And Me.

Let’s hit the links.

Yesterday, ESPN’s John Buccigross posted the Brendan Burke story - as was to be expected, the article has been passed around on Twitter like  it’s running a five-on-three powerplay.  As a result, I’m back in the mix (“the mix”, being the 286 comments received on my gay slurs article for USA Today).

I did an email interview on the story for Yahoo! hockey blogger “Puck Daddy” (Greg Wyshynski).  You can check that out here.

Also, I responded via email to a Buccigross question – he’ll be running that response later today, and of course, that’ll be up on here when he puts it up.

For my Canadian readers, I’ll be going on CBC’s primetime show “Connect with Mark Kelley” if one of the Burke’s are unable to make it – that’s at five o’clock today.  All I can say is, I’m cut out for radio today, not TV.  I look like I got lost in the woods, found and drank some grain alcohol, fought Manny Pacquiao, then slept in a ditch.  In reality, I just haven’t shaved in a week and couldn’t sleep because of late-night rec hockey.  …and I may have had a Stella or two.

***AMENDED*** – Apparently, it IS for TV.  Five o’clock Arizona time on the CBC.  I just scraped a razor over my dumb face, and will be heading to the studio in a bit, if the CBC can track down a willing partner in this.

And again, I received further confirmation in my inbox today that, yes, I am indeed a “flaming homo”.  So… I’ve got that going for me.

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Since I’m receiving a bit of an influx in the ‘ol number-of-hits category today, I thought I’d direct some first-time Bourne’s Bloggers to a few things I wrote that managed to not suck.

*An inordinately serious column on leaving the game of hockey, for The Hockey News

*The “How I Met Your Mother” of Bourne’s Blog.  The story written for Islanders Point Blank on how I ended up engaged to Clark Gillies daughter, Brianna.

*And the story of how I ended up being a writer, for The Hockey News – I’m having trouble getting their site to work right now, so you can find it as the bottom article on this page.

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So that’s all you get today, friends.  Looking forward to more feedback, and when the ESPN bit gets posted, you’ll be the first to know.

The Land After Time

I stumbled onto a massive discovery.  In trying to run some early morning errands, I had to kill some time waiting for the bank to open.  I went to the mall, only to see a sign saying that the stores weren’t open there either.  Yet people were still walking into the place.  Old people.

If we could mine the precious deposit of old people that were in the mall before it opened we could start a nursing home.  They were everywhere.  Alone, in couples, men, women, with ipods and walkmen, jogging shoes and stretchy pants.  They were using the closed mall as a big track to walk laps around.

Hundreds of them.

I took a few steps in and got caught up in the current… it all made sense:  Air conditioning, nicely sanitized tile, a food court (with a cafe that opens early to cash in on these clunkers), and it occured to me:  this is exactly the same thing I used to do when I was 12, with my friends.  We’d go public skating, move around in a big circle, be social, listen to music, and grab a hot chocolate from the concession stand. 

The ciiircle of life…….. it’s a wheeeel of fortuuuuneeee…  What a discovery.

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Green Bay Packer Nation probably owned a collective 23 rafillion Favre jerseys.  I’m not proposing that the “Favre goes WWE villain and switches teams” moment wasn’t genuine, but how much money do you think they made selling new GB Pack jerseys to slighted fans who didn’t wan’t to wear a jersey with “Arnold” on the back anymore (read: Benedict)?

And how many Rodgers jerseys have they sold?  This guy could be the best QB in the league this year.  How well timed was his rise to prominence right when Favre basically tore down the un-built statues of himself in Green Bay?

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Does anybody else think that the mom and kid in the AT&T rollover minutes commercials have a priceless chemistry? (Can’t believe I’m about to run an AT&T commercial after they grinded me for $43.57 as a broke freshman in college, but it really does make me laugh)

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But if there’s a set of commercials you have to watch, it’s ESPN’s “this is SportsCenter” commercials.  Spend some time on YouTube.  I still love this one:  “…that was a poor effort”

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Scott Van Pelt is priceless.

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I’ll link to my take on the Phoenix Coyotes situation later today or tomorrow…  I know you need your hockey news fix.

In the meantime, I have a light-hearted article up on www.hockeyprimetime.com -- my thoughts on the experience of sharing a cold tub with another dude after a hockey game.

Also, tomorrow:  The first of a series of video blogs on the upcoming NHL season.

Bloggy bag – Today's leftovers.

The back page of Sports Illustrated was something that for many years sports fans knew and loved.  Most males who had 6 minutes to spend in a waiting room grabbed the most recent SI, and read ‘”The Life of Reilly”, Rick Reilly’s sometimes funny, always smart piece on not sports, but people in sports.  Well what in the name of Christmas is going over there at SI? This has seemingly been the worlds longest tryout of inadequate candidates for any job (unless you count the previous two presidential elections).  I suppose it takes time to build the credentials and gain the experience and yadda yadda whatthehell? You’re kind of a well known sports magazine over there guys. I understand Rick wrote some tear-jerkers, but this semi-sappy carousel of pseudo-serious articles is more disappointing than getting your bag of McNuggets home to find no sweet and sour sauce.  I’m over it.  ESPN, you have my attention.

Random: In the pit of a particularly glaring college hangover, myself and two roommates made our way to a McDonald’s to grease the engines with some sustenance. I remember taking a bite and uttering “this sweet and sour sauce is spicy…”   NO.  No.  No it wasn’t.  It may have been sweet, it could have possibly even been sour.  The name of the sauce is two describing words, and I nailed neither of them.  Wow Bourne.  Lock it up.

I think I need to talk about the documentary I just watched.  I know I hinted at a movie ratings system, but hold on to your hats, it’s still in the developmental stage (read: received 0 seconds thought).  I have some time to kill, what with the wired mouth, pain meds and no car here in Boise, so I rented 7 documentaries on Thursday. I went through them faster than Winehouse does blow.   30 hours, 7 shows.  Yeah.   That.  Just.  Happened. 

Random: If you time the pain meds just right, every nature show is amaaazing, I assume because I’m duller than a two-use razor at Robin Williams house. Planet Earth, for example, gets 11 of whatever it is i’m going to award for awesomeness points (which won’t be awesomeness points. Those aren’t awesome.)

STONEHENGE: DECODED

Thenarratorhadalisp.  Sorry, I couldn’t get that out there fast enough.  The narrator had a lisp.  Still does, I assume.  Talk about things that warrant a “That. Just. Happened”.  You know why?  Because it did. I was there.  I sat there, and used my ears, to hear the sounds coming from the speakers, which in turn relayed messages and information.  From that information, I discovered, that some of the stones in Stonehenge can  ”weigh up to 45 tonth”.  Ohhhh, boy.  Let’s be clear here, I’m not making fun of speech impediments; hell my teeth are wired shut.  On the other hand, I’m not exactly handing out resumes for jobs that involve MAKING SOUNDS INTO WORDS.  And what a difference in enjoyment the narrator can make, am I right? Has anyone seen Planet Earth (everyone just replied yes, in the imaginary room I’m apparently doing stand-up comedy in)?  David Attenborough is like… the personification of what I imagine a full body massage from a cloud feels like.[polldaddy poll=1284960]

Highlight of my tenure on the couch: 

Let me set this up:   Sweatpants, old t-shirt, slippers.  DQ peanut buster parfait, sans peanuts.  Girlfriend.  Flat screen HD TV, Planet Earth’s “shallow seas”, lights off no talking allowed.  David Attenborough’s words gingerly dancing about the Caribbean. Also, no talking allowed.  I mean…. right?  Isn’t this the stuff guys discover when they’re like… you know what… I never really liked the bar that much.  I mean… I guess I could just catch the guys next week… maybe this how men become the p word they call each other 90% of the time in any all male situation.

Guys just get older though, and they like it.  It starts with “man, it sure is cheaper to drink at home” and ends in “Grandpa’s just set in his ways, leave him be”.  I’m halfway to a Sunday scotch, the crossword puzzle and racial slurs (oh, Grandpa’s from a different time).  Speaking of that character, Gran Torino was amazing.  On a scale of red, it gets a tiger-shark (the scale is  a work in progress).  I didn’t realize you could degrade someone of Hmong descent in so many ways, but Eastwood goes above and beyond.  In that sense, and in his role as Walt Kowalski .  Clint is like the two guys in the balcony on the muppets, minus the laughing and the having a friend.  But you warm up to him, you just have to.  I won’t play spoiler, but his family doesn’t get him, his neighbors don’t either and he doesn’t care.  And you have to admire anyone who speaks how they feel, with the exception of people who speak for a living and feel like total bigots (see: Don Imus, Michael Richards).

I’ll work on that system.