The View From My Couch

Quick health update before I get into anything:  I had the jaw operated on again yesterday, sweet.  I’m in a little discomfort for now, but this should set me on the right track in the long term.  Arch bars are off, a piece of bone and the long plate are out.  Sounds gross, is gross, let the healing begin.

My brain is constantly racing, riffling through a thousand things  I need to do at once, all while functioning poorly enough to forget the most important detail.  I’ll remember to get gas, then forget I needed it to pick someone up at the airport.  Recently, to combat this, I decided to join the adult world and buy a planner.  Just a matter of where, not when I lose this thing.  Start the betting pool now.

As I’ve mentioned, I don’t go anywhere these days.  Thus, my planner sits at my side and gets filled up with a huge volume of ideas I want to write about.  Each one could probably be a blog in itself, but a few little tidbits only deserve casual mention.  With that, I bring you my wandering nonsense of the day.

Facebook provides you with the word “is” after your name when you post your status.  If you don’t want the “is”, you have the option to delete it.  Therefore, ”Justin Bourne is Happy Birthday Bri!” is not an acceptable status for me.  Please take the time to cleverly manipulate your status into a legitimate sentence like “Justin Bourne is wishing Bri a happy birthday!”.  Boom.

“Lately I’ve been feeling “DRAWN” to my insurance company” is the worst acting I’ve seen in a commercial in some time, including the ones that want to melt down my gold. Please watch this whole commercial.

Okay, I apologize to e-surance, that was the worst commercial ever.  But I laughed.  The image of that guy with money fanned out lip-synching in front of rap video vixens is forever seared into my brain.  Somehow I get the impression the Cashman isn’t exactly set for retirement, much like the people sending the gold.  But anyway, e-surance or whoever it is does need to stop with the poorly animated/bad actor combo commercials, they’re just so frustrating to watch.  They don’t even cross the so-bad-they’re-good line like the one you just watched, so I’m not posting it.

I’m pretty sure ESPN and the others can stop airing “official statements” from teams on topics that are obviously not good.  I’m not getting any actual news out of “The Yankees are deeply disappointed in the actions of Alex Rodriguez”, or ”We are disappointed in Michael Phelps behaviour” or “We’re totally bummed Pacman Jones shot more people yesterday”.  I think when we heard the guy was at a strip club with a garbage bag full of singles and guns that it wouldn’t be considered professional conduct by the brass.

Literally means actually, without exaggeration or inaccuracy.  So I’d prefer if news reporters didn’t say stuff like “‘The Obama administration is going to, literally, beat the banks over the head with a bat”  on CNN, or somebody has to take away microphone privileges.  Adults should have to stay slightly above the language of teenage girls (“I was like, literally gonna kill her”), especially if their career is in communications.

I think the new Demetri Martin show on Comedy Central has potential.  I didn’t like the early ads for it, but I saw some of the guys stand up and it’s super clever.

Oh, good ‘ol college.  I miss drinking.  I’ve probably had about 4 alcoholic beverages in 2009.  If you were looking on the back of my drinking card collectible, my stats would have fallen off considerably in ’09 (I was gin and juicing from ’01 – ’03).  But, I’m off antibiotics, so sales of tonic water should start to see a solid rebound in the coming months.

Lastly, I watched “W” last night.  Obviously it has a raging left wing bias, but it’s fully entertaining.  If the real Bush is anything like Oliver Stone’s portrayal of Dubya, then it’s no suprise the US is in the shape it is 8 years later.  I do feel bad for Bush, I never believed he was an evil guy.  He just wasn’t smart enough for the country’s highest office.  But, I guess it’s what the US gets for (almost) voting him in.  Anybody else wonder if things would be different had Gore become president in 2000?

Here’s Al accepting the Nobel Peace Prize.  Really, he was “too boring”?  The vote wasn’t to pick the clown for your childs birthday party.  Who do you think would’ve won that contest??

Cool's Right Commercials

How about those Coors Light Commercials?  Barry Switzer is so cute in this commercial I just wanna pack his lunch and send him off to his first day of school.  I can’t believe how good they are.  And not just because the coaches are saying funny stuff, the guys in the commercial are so money.  When they ask for the second roll-away and the black guy goes “yyyyeah”, I die everytime.  Like he’s jussst not quite comfortable bunking with the white guy.  They aren’t gay!  Two beds….  Hilarious.

I decided I like them because they’re almost childish.  Something about it reminds me of the “I’m not hitting you” game that siblings play.  Plus, does any sports fan out there not LOVE when NFL Films Presents -or whoever it is that does it-  plays a half hour or so of having guys “Mic’d Up”?  I think it’s because I never played football growing up that I’m so interested in what’s going on behind the scenes.  Oh, and I never played any sports in a largely black environment.  As a white guy who likes rap music, and thinks it’s hilarious to hear black guys verballing each other, these shows are the absolute highlight of my sports watching week.  I just caught a preview for todays Ravens-Steelers game, and they flashed back to a defensive player saying to 35 year old receiever Derrick Mason (apparently old in the NFL)  ”You gotta be the only guy collecting social security AND an NFL paycheck”.  I love that shit.   How about Brian Billick demanding Ed get him his beer? …. I just can’t handle it.  ”…Coach says you better go Ed.”

Oh Nooo!  Noooo!  Haha… What was actually happening that a 40 year old man was yelling “oh no”.  Don’t toddlers say that when they spill their grape juice?  Shouldn’t Billick be yelling a procession of words that involve an ampersand, some ”at” signs and the number symbol? Great stuff.[polldaddy poll=1286442]

Other sport-related commercial shout outs: Anything Peyton Manning does, the Kevin Garnett press conference clips (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llmi2o7sWh8), LeBron’s “chalk” commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SiQKxja79M) and Greg Oden’s “I’m a chameleon” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXbpB-rlung)  Also, anything with Scott Van Pelt (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ge1LtDlK75Q) and/or Kenny Mayne.  Retro shout-out to the “Terrible Terry Tate Office Linebacker” Reebok commercials.  They’re old, but amazing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oU1jra7RKCQ) I was obsessed with the Terry Tate ones years ago.  They’re a tad long, but still classic. I  have a lot of time on my hands.  More blogs to come.