Weekend Catch-Up: All Hockey, No Golf

This is going to blow your mind, and probably make you happy, but….. I’m gonna leave the Masters blogging alone for today (though I’m not quiiiite done with it).  I’ma do what I do best.  Nooo, not make fun of the WNBA.  I’m gonna write about hockey.

Sweet, glorious hockey.

It’s that time of year, people.

So let’s cover the exciting events of the weekend, starting with…..

He's, um, happy. Weee!

THE ROCKET RICHARD TROPHY

 GOALS

Crosby 51
Stamkos 51
Ovechkin 50

Though it’s sort of become what I do for a living, I hate “serious” sports arguments.

You know, some guy makes a point that’s supported by some random factoid he read somewhere, puts it in defense mode, and the conversation never advances.  This happens everytime you talk Richard Trophy.  Ice time!  Powerplays!  Games played!  Linemates!

Whatever.  They all had remarkable years.  Plus, this trophy shouldn’t leave much to talk about.  It’s black and white; based on totals. If we’re arguing about who the best goal scorer in the game is – that’s Ovechkin by a mile. 

But still, I feel inclined to make two points:

1)  Why isn’t there a tie breaker so someone can actually win it outright?  Give the trophy to the guy who had the least games played (Sid has one less), or to the guy who had less empty netters? (as has been mentioned a number of times, Puck Daddy included).  Orrr, am I just suggesting that because both stats favour Sid (only had one, to Stamkos’ three) and I was rooting for him “2 – 4 – 6 – 8″ style. (Who do we a-ppre-ci-ate!)

They're laughing at the play working.

2)  While on the empty-net / pro-Sid talk….. Let’s all admit it.  Stamkos getting his 51st on a set play from a d-zone faceoff was a little cheesy.  I seriously do like Stamkos (just wanted Sid to get at least one Rocket in his career), but come on.  Up 2-1, your centerman wouldn’t push the puck forward in a normal game, for fear of giving it to your opponents d-man, who’d bomb it back down your goalies throat.  So to call a play you wouldn’t normally call, strictly to get your linemate a goal – while I would have done THE EXACT SAME THING - is still corny.  We’re allowed to acknowledge that, while acknowledging the fact that Stamkos’ season was mind-blowing. 

Congrats to all.  Except Ovy, who’s a complete and total third-place failure.

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I’d be remiss if I didn’t quickly mention the Evander Holyfield Kane punch on Matt Cooke (video), because nothing says “justice” like getting knocked the eff out by an 18 year old.  In the cartoon version of that fight, Cooke would’ve held up a “HELP’ sign just before the punch, and absolutely would’ve had little stars and birdies floating around his mini-ice-nap.

Saved to my computer as "Kablammo!"

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So, I sat down at my favourite pub after work on Friday, and Breezy joined me.  To my left, some chaps were chatting about hockey, so of course, I chimed it.  Turns out the gentleman beside me scored the first goal in Canucks history, and had a 15 year NHL career – Mr. Barry Wilkins.  Here’s our conversation:

- it's where you stop on your way home. Get it?

Barry:  Sure I know you’re Dad!  He was on the Islanders team that beat us (Pittsburgh) when we were up 3-0 on them in the playoffs!

Me:  Ah!  Oh.  Sorry bout that.

Barry: Not a week goes by without it bothering me.

Me:  Mmm.  Um… probably doesn’t help that my father-in-law was on that team too, huh?  Clark Gillies.

Barry:  He broke my shoulder/collar bone with a big hit.

Me:  This isn’t going well.  ….I’ll text my Dad and see if he remembers playing you.

Barry:  He’ll probably remember me as a d-man with rock hands.

Dads Text: “BARRY WILKINS? LEFT-HANDED D-MAN, STONE HANDS?”

Me: Sorry, he’s not writing back for whatever reason….

  *****

Flyers get in AND avoid Washington.

The Flyers/Rangers play-in game was exciting, but Rangers fans… if Henrik Lundqvist makes 43 saves, you’re shooting on Bobby Boucher, and you can’t win… you don’t deserve to.  NY should ship Torterella and Sather out, grab an experienced GM and the best AHL coach, and just start over. 

Although, I must admit: as an Islanders fan, I think you guys should keep the same personnel and keep plugging.  You’re good enough.  You can do it Rangers, I promise.  No changes.  Just grab that shovel and start digging towards next season….

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Of all the eight teams to make playoffs in the West, only one team isn’t a plus in the “goal differential” category (which matters) – that being Nashville.  Their failure to get it done down the stretch buried their playoff hopes - now they play Chicago, who’s goal differential looks like my two round score if they let me try to make the cut at the Masters: +62.  Here comes a beat down from Chi town.

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Though you may not have been following my fantasy hockey league (okay, you haven’t been.  Like, at all), I made a late season charge to grab the last playoff seed (8th in a 20 team head-to-head league).  Then I won round one.  Then I won the semi’s.  And last week was the finals, where I……

Got SMOKED.  Badly.  Congrats to Pat of “The Kindrachuckers”, to whom I know owe a bottle of Crown Royal.  Curses.  Thanks for playin’ everyone, that was a blast.  I’ll be doing it again next year (a pay league, so I can buy the winner something cool…. or just give him/her the cash), and mayyyy end up doing something for playoffs if I have time to set it up.

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 Henrik Sedin won the Art Ross this year, with 112 points.  I have nothing to say except congrats.  That, and I’d like to subtly imply he’s a cyborg by asking people if anybody has ever actually witnessed him bleed blood.  Just a question, that’s all.

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Number one of five. Count it!

Congratulations are also due to Boston College, who beat Wisconsin 5-0 to win the NCAA National Championship.  After watching Wisconsin play RIT, I was pretty sure they could handle the Maple Leafs with relative ease, so I was a surprised they got thumpled so bad.  But then I realized “is being better than the Maple Leafs that great of a measuring stick, at any level?”

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Okay, THAT’S ENOUGH.  Especially since playoff predictions are baking in the oven.  The deliciousness shall be ready soon!

Broken Noses ‘N’ Newfoundlands

Is it Friday again, already?  Man, quick week.

{Anyone know how to fix a stuck BlackBerry rollball?  I’m about to throw this thing through my TV.}

Sooo, David Booth got thumpersized again, but this time on an actual hockey hit, delivered by a shoulder that was in front of him the whole time.  I took the almost the exact same hit against Binghamton a couple years back, and feel the guys probably-broken-nosed-pain.  Equally painful, is the feeling of “no one to blame but myself.”

Oh, pre-broken noses are so pretty.

That hit was the exact hit I was pushing to keep in hockey.  Guy buries his head and waterbugs it in transition, defenseman sees the guy coming for about a decade, and flattens him with a shoulder.  Because the head is down, the head gets hit, and “facial lacerations” ensue.

I feel really bad for David Booth.  The guy had such a tough injury early in the season, but came back like a house on fire – I watched parts of his first game back after getting clipped by Richards, and he was taking the puck to the net with no fear.  I only hope he’s as confident coming back after this second one (Yahoo! reports he will be going with the team to Ottawa for tonights game).  Actually, I need him to be that confident, as he’s on my fantasy team, and it’s playoff time.

On the broken nose front (I have no idea if his nose is broken, but it sure looked like it), my favourite tale of nose woe:

My Dad’s career NHL totals should include a “broken noses” column (his own), and he’d crack the Hall, I’m sure of it.  It’s something like eight.  I’m still trailing by about five.  Either way, other than losing your teeth (which we’ve both done), few things are as unpleasant as breaking your nose.  The scariest reason?  Sometimes they have to re-break it to set it.  Like, literally with a mini-hammer – this never happened to me, but according to Dad, he’s been on the wrong end of that hammer a few times.

Lookin' forward to next years Isles uni's

Anyways, after a broken nose towards the end of his career, he had to have a little touch-up surgery on it.  They packed his nose full of gauze, both sides, and sent him home for a few days to let it heal.

When it was time to take the gauze out, Dad needed someone to drive him home after, as it’s apparently not the most fun procedure that involves some pain killers.  Naturally, Dad asked his next-door neighbor, Clark Gillies, to drive him.  Clark obliged, waited in the waiting room, and Dad went in to get the gauze removed.

The doctor pulls out an ungodly amount of gauze with Dad on the table, and steps out to grab something, saying “just don’t get up for a few minutes”.  Dad doesn’t listen.

Whatever the reason for the light-headedness, I don’t remember – but he stood up, and passed out.  And fell on his face.  And broke his nose.

90 minutes later, Dad walks out of the doctors office, looking exactly the same as when he went in, packed full of gauze.  Clark: “Bourny.  What the hell happened?!?”

Ouch.

*****

Feel like having a few chuckles?  Check out the annual Name of Year bracket, including only actual names - these gems include Nohjay Nimpson, Dick Smallberries Jr. (yes, jr.) and X’Zavier Bloodsaw.  Enjoy.

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Regarding Gary Bettman:  Why is he so defensive in interviews?  It’s always SO tense, cause the guy acts like every topic is off-limits.  It’s not like the host is calling your just-dead friend an idiot, Gary, we just want to know about the new rule.  Don’t act so indignant.

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Happy weekend friends.  I’ll leave you with happy time, as the boys at PTI say.  Except in my case, it means pictures of Bri’s dogs and our cat.  Enjoy!

Seabrook/Wisniewski, Campbell/Bourne, Cooke/Bruins

Yesterday, Mike Wazowski James Wisniewski got suspended for eight games.  I guess we all really worked Colin Campbell to a climax on that one, huh? 

Whatever – if you saw the Wisniewski interview, he looked like he felt really, really bad…. that he got suspended.  I’m not saying the guy’ll play like an angel the rest of his career, but forfeiting the price of a nice house in Phoenix might give him pause for a few seconds, I would think.

I messed up by not running the hit yesterday, and by only commenting on it in the comment section.  Here’s me making up for it, if you haven’t already seen it…. which you have, so umm… move on.

While we’re discussing Colin Campbell, as we often to seem to be….

My Dad and ol’ Coley couldn’t exactly be described by the phrase “BFF’s” back when they played.  ….Oh look, two clips – and by the way, they’re awesome – the commentators crack me up.

Colin Campbell vs Bob Bourne

Ahh, that felt good and it wasn’t even me.  I love the casual nature of the color guy in this one, doing the math on PIMS.  Just another whistle between plays…

Apparently they also score fight wins by take-downs, as Campbell was the “clear winner” against Sutter.  PS, that first left from my Dad was a bomb, thank god it didn’t land, for everyone’s sake.

*****

Okay, on to Matt Cooke vs. the Boston Bruins:

What did people think was going to happen? 

The circus demonstrated how badly some people are out of touch with the realities of professional hockey.  This was the type of thing that emphasizes to the guys in the room how much certain fans and media outside that room don’t get their job.

Every night some guy has a target on his chest, which is of secondary importance to the win.  Every night. It’s a long season, and you play the same teams plenty of times over the year, hell, over a career.  And, it’s not a cliche - their jobs ACTUALLY depend on winning.  And people flew in to catch this game expecting to see fireworks while the biggest fight is their battle for eighth? 

Granted, this one happened to be an extreme case (due to it’s blatant nature, followed by no suspension), and the guys are well aware of that.  But the night unfolded the way it did to appease those that went out of their way to be a part of the “event”.  Cooke had to fight if he didn’t want to be crucified in the (for once) vendetta-aware media, and the Bruins were no different.  In no way am I saying they wouldn’t have fought if not for the media, I’m just saying it wouldn’t have gone down like a bout at Caesars Palace 1:58 in.

The fact is, these are professional athletes, and though they often act spontaneously, you don’t get to that level without some measure of discipline.  Many-a-nights you leave (frustrated) after taking a number and just playing the game.  Just because the media sniffed out the obvious “hey, their gonna be mad at that guy, right?”, this all seemed a little…. forced.  It doesn’t usually happen the quarter-second after a guy’s skates hit the ice, but eventually, guys get found.

And it’s not always a fight – a late hit, an extra shot, whatever you can get in there and not hurt your teams chances.  As soon as a guy puts his vendetta ahead of the team goal, he sits.  He may get healthy scratched the next day (and the coach will tell the media its because a guy wasn’t “effective” to avoid the circus.  Read: Avery), and if it happens enough, he may get dealt.

For those who thought they’d fight Cooke everytime he stepped on the ice, chase him around and make highlight-worthy plays on him…. with Colin Campbell and every east coast media guy there?  To quote NFL Countdown, C’mon, man.  In the end, they may not be done with him, but they aren’t idiots.  They put on the show people came to see, right away.  But they’ll find him again when it’s not mid-playoff push.  They’re disciplined.  They’re pros.

Lawson Translation

The Islanders have signed a third starter, Martin Biron, to a one year, $1.4 million dollar contract.  I just. don’t. get it.

So then, we’re admitting DiPietro is beyond being a functioning goalie, right?

I mean, it makes no sense to sign someone to well over a million dollars if you intend for them to play in the AHL.  And we aren’t going to trade Biron or Roloson, both of whom we just signed, or we simply wouldn’t have signed them.  So this was the Islanders admitting DP is a no-go, wasn’t it?

Lawson reads the play before you do, and plays the puck like Marty Turco

The Sound Tigers had a stud in net last year in Nathan Lawson, who didn’t see NHL games at the end of the AHL season strictly because the BPST’s needed him too bad (truf).  If they were looking to lock up a talented kid with scads of potential starter for the Sound Tigers, they had Lawson in their hands (statline: 2.16 GAA, .927 Save %, 19 wins, 9 losses -- better than Mannino in every category).  Who knows if he’ll sign without getting a NHL -- AHL two way, which the Isles won’t do (15 years looked crazy, but 4 NHL goalie contracts looks bat-shit crazy).  So should we shuffle Laws into the “Islanders squandered talent” bin?  They better at least lock him up for Bridgeport somehow, and soon… or someone will.

*****

Ahhh, the Red Sox got rid of Julio Lugo, at last.  He never really fit in there, did he?  Never quite had the swagger, always kinda looked weak.  I’m sure Sawks fans shed zero tears, and are already demanding results of the new guys.

By the way, has the Sox morphing into the Yankees over this decade turned anyone else off?  So much for the scrappy underdog taking down those Rockefeller-esque Yankees.  They’re just poured outta the same mold at this point.

*****

Like me, you may find it hard to sit through 36 seconds of “metal”, or whatever we’re calling that genre of “music”, so you may want to mute this.  I think I actually like it better with sound though.

“

*****

So good news, for those of you who have subscribed to the blog.  You’re about to get your first bonus offering from Bourne’s Blog!  I’m going to take questions from now until the Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp that you may have for any of our ex-NHL stars, ask those questions, and do a fun little question and answer write up for you.  I think I may do this throughout the year with current NHLers that I’m still in touch with too.

I feel safer when he wears gloves.

So, you have your pick, ask a question to any of the following:  Battlin’ Billy Smith, Dave Semenko, Bryan Trottier, Dale Hawerchuk, Doug Bodger, Steve Shutt, Ron Flockhart, Cliff Ronning, Larry Melnyk, Gary Nylund, Clark Gillies, or of course, my Dad.

Two weeks from now that crew will be on the ice with our guests, pulling groins, tweaking backs, and generally keeping ibuprofen providers in business.  Lookin’ forward to it!

Bethpunked

Great news hockey fans – the US Open starts tomorrow.

So… time to talk golf.

The US Open will be played at Bethpage Black this year, which just happens to be located 20 minutes from my lady friends place on Long Island, and provides the perfect opportunity to explain what getting punked by your father-in-law-to-be feels like.

Yikes.

I wake up after my very first night at the Gillies abode (I’d just started dating Bri), somehow with the idea that I’d be playing golf with Clark (a zero cap at the time) in the morning at a course with the above sign by the first teebox (this morning is/was a major point of contention between him and I, my contention being that he’d asked me if I’d like to play the night before. Hence the somehow).

Yeah, kind of a nice course.

I crawled out of bed before six to get to Bethpage Black, a public course I’d seen on TV and dreamed of playing.  You have to get to Bethpage before the rooster is awake to have any hopes of getting on.  It was raining.

If the rain was a minor disappointment, the following was the cartoon anvil that fell and destroyed my day: I was informed by Clark that they suddenly had a full foursome (his contention being that they had one all along). 

Would I like to caddy?

Well no, I’d like to play, but I’m up, and I’ve never seen a US Open course, so sure. 

By the way, you’d have to carry two bags.

Really?  Shit.

Ah whatever, I’ll earn a little money.  Hey look, it’s still raining.

And so, this is how it came to be that on my very first day in Long Island while dating Clarks daughter, I carried two bags around a soaking wet 7,300 yard golf course at roughly 4 a.m. Kelowna time. 

Think Clark and his buddies have some laughs at my expense when they have a few gin and tonics?

In the interest of giving both sides equal time, I’ll tell you exactly what Clark says when he hears me bitch about that day.

Also, very challenging

His side?  I’m the worst caddy in history - and the only one to consistently hide under an umbrella while the players clubs get soaked.

Meh, they’re made of metal, and hey, do something bad enough the first time and you’ll never be asked to do it again.

At one point, it did stop raining…. just in time for him to tell me they were going to play 36 holes, the next 18 at Winged Foot.  That was the moment I realized it was all on purpose, and I was being hazed (though he still won’t admit that’s true).

All jokes aside, Clark paid me well and has taken me golfing a ton of times since, so my complaining has become mostly tongue-in-cheek — though I am seriously suspicious that the whole thing was a test.

In the end, who cares.  I learned this much:  I’m no Steve Williams, and you have to have a decent sense of humour to hang with the Gillies.

I’ve still never played the course.