Caps Goaltending, Modano, and Quality Sportswriting

It’s that time of year – NHL news is at a minimum, and summer fun is at a maximum.  Although, I live in Phoenix, so it’s “winter” here (you don’t go outside for very long if you can avoid it).  I will say this about the heat though – it’s not as bad as people say. 

It was supposedly 115 here last Saturday, and we spent four middle-of-the-day hours floating on tubes down Salt River.  We still sit by the pool periodically.  Basically, if water is involved, you can make it work.

Anyway, the point is that there isn’t much to discuss around the NHL.  I, for one, care zero percent about prospect camps.  I mean, literally, zero.  So, until something relevant comes up (Kovy signing!), lets BS about random, puck-based stuff.

*****

It's not that he's bad, it's that you're too close to a Cup to accept anything but great.

So, the Flyers Capitals are really going through with the whole “nah, we’re good on a goalie” thing?  To those fans who keep saying Varlamov will get better and will be able to get it done, I ask you – why are you okay with rebuilding at one position?  Do it everywhere or nowhere.  The rest of your team is ready now.  Actually, it’s been ready for two years, both of which you’ve squandered by accepting mediocrity in net. 

Fine, Varlamov is going to be great some day.  So let him back up til that day.  Or trade the potential he (or Neuvirth) has for a decent defender, and sign one of the million quality goaltenders looking for work.  Y’know, so you can try and win that Cup thingy.  This team is ready, if they’d just adresss their very few weaknesses.  If you don’t, you risk becoming the Flyers.

*****

Do you want Mike Modano to come to your team?  As in, a guy playing the role of third line checker with a goal scorer’s body and a good amount of gray in his beard?  Probably not right?  Yet for some reason, I can see it working under Babcock in Detroit.  And only there.

*****

Follow this link to read borderline NHLer Paul Bissonette’s hilarious (though somewhat offensive) tweet-binge about how women aren’t as funny as men.  Or as smart.

The tweets remind me of being in a locker room, so you may enjoy them.  Raw stuff.  Feel free to poke around that site too, it belongs to friend of the blog, Callum McCarthy.

*****

He's got a pretty good life goin...

SPORTS WRITING: As many of you are aware, my favourite sportswriter is Bill Simmons (though, oddly, that’s been waning a bit of late – undoubtedly something to do with him just making podcasts and retro-diaries, AKA lazy stuff).  It’s hard to write 5,000-8,000 words coherently, and this guy composes clear arguments that seem to span the length of entire books.  Unfortunately, Bill rarely covers hockey.

Between Simmons and my favourite hockey writer is a guy who acts as a nice segueway for me here, Bruce Arthur.  I’m a new reader and twitter follower, but from what I’ve taken in thus far, he’s kinda half-hockey half-basketball.  There’s some clever bite in his writing, and the guy seems like a good thinker.

And, as I’ve also mentioned before, my colleague (and general superior) Greg Wyshynski makes the grade as my favourite hockey writer.  Of course, I’m far too involved in hockey to agree with everything anyone says (like I do with Simmons on basketball), but 96.75% of the time, I can get on Greg’s page.  He’s fair, funny, knows WAY too much about players, teams and history, and writes well.  Best of all, he doesn’t take the sport too seriously, like, say, every single writer from the Toronto area.

Today’s post on free agency is great, and includes a line from agents (about their players) that Islanders fans can choke on: “The money was pretty much the same everywhere. Guys were just deciding on where they wanted to play the most,” said one agent.  Hey Isles, nobody’s choosing you for your low house prices and Cup-winning potential.  Might have to go a bit above and beyond matching offers these days.

*****

I’m convinced Steve Yzerman is gonna be a rockin’ GM.  The Teddy Purcell signing was a nice way to get a good player in on a low salary, something he’s going to have to do since three of his players make something like a combined $25 million.

*****

The Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp is almost full.  We’re down to about a half-dozen available spots – email me at jtbourne@gmail.com if you’d like to inquire… it’s a once-in-a-lifetime summer vacation.  And when I say that, I don’t just do it as a pitch – I never try to sell my readers a damn thing, am I right?  My name is on this camp, and I’m proud of it.  We see more tears and hugs on the final day than I ever thought possible.  I’d love to have some more readers there (we already have two!)

*****

Happy Humpday.  Hope it’s a doozy!

B-Side Thought Barrage

Sorry about the late start today – the mornings after I play hockey are usually a little sluggish, not because I drink after, but because I NEVER EXERCISE EVER AND I HURT.

Sadly, my rec league team lost it’s first game, giving up an empty netter in the dying seconds to lose 12-10.  In our defense, our team racked up 10 man-games of suspensions the week before, so we had six skaters and a replacement goalie.  I also felt two strides away from having massive cardiac issues. 

It’s time to clear out the thought locker – that’s the place in my phone I store genius topic ideas, essentially adding three of them a day, and writing about two.  What I’m saying is, here come the B-Sides.

*****

I love that Carey Price went after Cam Janssen after getting run over last night….

….but it got me thinking.  Has any goalie EVER taken their helmet off to fight a player? (I know they do to fight each other)  …But it’s like they forget it’s on.  Or they figure since they’re at an over-padded disadvantage anyway, they deserve to leave it on.  For the record, I’m on their side.  Swing away, f**kers.  (Harding did the same a few nights earlier against Ott, I believe)

*****

Beer of the seemingly-random-length-of-time:  Jewbelation 13 by Shmaltz Brewing, strictly because it’s got a hilarious name, 13.5% alcohol, and is so dark and thick they serve it in a snifter.  I’ve never ordered one, but come on, that deserved a shout-out.

*****

When I was in Vegas, it was during the Fancy-New-Electronics Convention Thinger (or some similar name).  It was like being in Vancouver, if you get what I mean.  …..Ya know?  …..Feel me on that?  ….ASIANS, PEOPLE!  ASIANS EVERYWHERE. 

If he's not sleeping, he's nom-ing toes.

*****

I get claustrophobic when my cat falls asleep in my lap, because I want to encourage the whole affection thing, but I feel like I can’t get up/move/flinch/do-anything-ever-again.  Anyone esle feel trapped by their sleeping pet?

*****

As I’m sure generations did before us, we tend to think we have most universe/Earth related things mostly figured out.  Ideas that were common knowledge like “the Earth is flat” periodically get debunked, and they change our views on major topics just like that.  In TIME this week, there was an article that reviewed the discovery of a fossil that showed some four-legged creature was walking the earth 400 million years ago, long before we thought animals crawled out of the sea.

Which got me thinking: I wonder what the next big thing will be.  The next crazy, “holy crap, the Earth isn’t the center of the solar system” type discovery.  Hope it’s in my lifetime.

Wrong pic for the ProBowl blurb? Naaa, SANCHIZE!

*****

The NFL’s ProBowl is such a joke.  You can take the physicality out of hockey and still leave entertainment, but not football.  Why don’t they just shut that event down?  Who’s trying to maul the quarterback when it makes no difference what happens on the play?

*****

Washing a hat is like reincarnating it.  You end up with a totally different hat if you wash and dry it.  It makes the immediate transition from new, stiff, fancy hat, to old, worn, comfy hat.  Do you dishwasher wash yours, never wash, or washing machine them?

*****

Hey, pro sports leagues, guys do their ‘roids after the season to get a cycle in before they get back to testing ….can we look into some off-season bloodwork or something?

Stop. Slammertime.

*****

Bill Simmons wrote a wonderful article on Lebron James – We Are All Witnesses.  Read it if you like basketball in the slightest bit.  {Is it just me, or are more hockey fans one-sport-lovers than any other sport?  I feel like guys who like basketball can like football, or baseball and football, whatever, but people who like hockey like HOCKEY.}

*****

As a Deadspin article mentioned yesterday, shower beers rule.  Y’know, the nights you’re going out to really tear it up with your friends (see: college), so you bring your beer with you into the shower.  That’s exciting man.  You know it’s gonna be a big night.

*****

And just like that, we’re done.  Thanks for assisting in the tidy up!

Capitalizing at Home

One game tonight?  What is this, the third round?

It’s okay… I’m talking myself through it.  Maybe I could watch a basketball game after… or, I suppose I could get a life and leave my house on a Friday night.  Or,  just watch a basketball game.  Yeah, I’ll do that.

(2) Caps / (7) Rangers tonight folks.  Do or die time for the Washington Funtowatchitals.  Back into that crazy sea of red.

Lundqvist is going to have to come up big  for the Rangers tonight or it could be a beat down.  A desperate young team, back at home, playing with their backs against the wall… I think we might see a little pace outta the Ovi-led Caps.  All they need is Vaslav Fomich Nijinsky (I think that’s his name) to play well in net tonight and they’ll be fine.

*****

I’m up to 3-0 in my playoff predictions, but it’s looking like a series other than the Caps one is in serious jeopardy.  The (1) San Jose Sharks are on the verge of having to answer a whole host of awkward questions I’m sure they don’t feel like answering, questions along the line of “What the f*** was that?”

I really do think Anaheim has put together a nice little playoff squad over there, but that’s not supposed to matter.  Breaking news San Jose, you’re the Presidents Trophy winner.  You’ve got a nice little squad too.  I was really hoping for better for Thornton, he seems like one of the good guys.  But you know what they say.  Nice guys finish first, but only until playoffs.

*****

I’m gonna do a little 180 here and ask a few non-hockey questions, because apparently there’s an entire world happening off the ice.  But they’re still about sports.  Let’s not get too crazy.

***

- Isn’t saying Bocci-ball a bit redundant?  “Bocci” is pretty self-explanatory, really.  There’s not much chance of us playing Bocci fork, or Bocci wheels, is there?

***

- How tragic is John Madden retiring?  You know you had the career of a legend when people reflect on it, and they realize you managed to trademark words like “Boom!” and “Turduchen”, while gambling websites offered less than one to one odds that you would make more than three food references during any given telecast.

***

- Doesn’t it suck that TCIKG  (The Completely Insane Kevin Garnett, as labelled by Bill Simmons) is missing the post-season for the Celtics?  You know you’re a guy teetering on the brink of madness when PTI sets the over/under at three for ”how many on-camera profanities will viewers at home be able to discern from Garnetts mouth”

***

- Have Alaskans officially crossed the line to  crazy?  Occasionally I get invited to join a group on Facebook called “conceal and carry on campus” for Alaskans, a state of people who are already allowed to be packing heat in their belt, and would like to be able to do it on University Campuses as well.  …yeah… I see nothing wrong with that.

***

- Why does Bill Simmons have to love basketball so much?  The guy’s writing makes me laugh everytime, even when it’s about a sport I don’t pay a ton of attention to.  My favourite recent explanation of his was that it’s easy to tell that someone is an a-hole if someone describes a person by using their own name. 

“How’re things working out with Bill lately?”

“Well, you know, Bill is Bill.  He’s gonna do his thing…”

*****

Alrighty folks.  My next piece for THN was just sent in, so keep your eyes peeled for that.  Also, The Hockey News just sent me five copies of their April 26 magazine, the first one I’ve had an actual print article in.  So that was kinda neat. 

Also, the lady and I have recently set our sights on Scottsdale (or Glendale) for a home.  She got a nice job offer, and I’ve got a meeting with the Coyotes marketing guy Monday (assuming the Coyotes don’t move).  And hey, who out there isn’t aching for an increase in Coyotes coverage

Tune in to TSN tonight so you can catch the Caps thumping the Rangers!

St. Patty's Pontifications

Happy St. Patricks Day!  As an Irish/Ukranian/CompleteMutt, today I claim the one that lets me join the festivities as an insider. 

How insane is St. Patty’s Day?  It’s the only day of the year where we blatantly celebrate drinking.  Sure, we drink on other holidays, but today is the day.  There are no other well-known holidays where we celebrate entire ethnic groups within the country.  It’s not like there’s a St. Rossi’s day where we all scarf an excess of cannoli’s.  But the Irish are nationally loved for their specialty (the bottle), and frankly… everyone’s okay with it.  Enjoy your St Patty’s Day!

Now let’s begin the randomness.

Nobody in sports writing is better than Bill Simmons.

It’s over.  He’s mastered the ability to smoothly phrase what the sports-loving average Joe says in the stands, while peppering it with wit that’s tough to find.

It seems at some point, life forces men to hang out with their “boys” a bit less.  It’s tough to justify a three beer lunch to your wife when you’re trying to save money for retirement and you had to pick up your kid from school on the way home.  Pff.  Women.

Reading Simmons makes you feel like you’re having that same conversation you would with the guys, but safely from your house.  Plus, when you get the vibe that Simmons is being a dick (which isn’t infrequent), you don’t have to fake interest like you might in person.  I do predict him getting too big for his britches at some point and saying something across the line, thus getting in some hot water.  He already walks a pretty thin line, but I love it.

Next:  Isn’t it time to give “that guy” in commercials his due?  I have no idea his name, but I know he’s hilariously subtle in more commercials than I can name.  I can’t really remember the products he’s been pushing either, all I know is I laugh at every commercial this guy is in.  Obviously not Dustin Pedroia, but the other guy.

The wink after “it’s called integrity” is key.

Moving along:  A smart hockey friend of mine that plays in the American League recently sent me this text, and he might be right: “Ovechkin is the best to ever play the game.  No question.  No debate.” 

I wanted the Canadian Crosby to just do it the right way like a good Canuck would, show him the way this game is supposed to be played, and he has.  The problem is, Ovechkin is so good, normal rules don’t apply.  It’s like playing one on five basketball on a Fisher Price hoop against seven year olds.  When you have that much of an advantage, it doesn’t matter what your opponent does.  He’s just that good.  I’m still gonna dunk, and Ovi is still going to take a slapbomb off some goalies collar bone, the crossbar and the mesh for a powerplay goal.

At a difficult economic time in the US, with a good product and a strong need for attendance, wouldn’t this be the worst possible time to implement fight-removal rules in the NHL?  Not that we should appeal to the lowest common denominator, but have you ever asked a non-hockey player why they like to watch?  Why they don’t watch boxing (or UFC), I’ll never know.

Regardless, the NHL will gladly take their money.  It’s a part of the game (for reasons that would warrant their own column, had the topic not been over-written), so let’s deal with that when we start turning away fans at the ticket windows.

Old school reference:  I kinda like Jim Carrey.  I  feel like Liar Liar is underrated in the all-time funny movie department.  Not top five maybe, but worthy of having in the collection.  I hadn’t thought of it in awhile until I saw the classic bit on Family Guy the other day:

Speaking of Family Guy, is the gay guy funny enough for everyone yet?  I can barely handle watching him or Herbert (shown here)without laughing (largely because the Isles/Sound Tigers Andrew McDonald does Herbert better than Herbert).  Check the hilarious homo here:

Anyways, enjoy today, and I dunno, maybe run a water through your liver at some point!  Just a little suggestion.       – Justin O’Burne (as the last name was only four generations back!)