A Brief Wander, Followed By A Serious Rant On Agitators

ohmigodTigerscomingbackatthemasters

Ahem.  Sorry.  I finger-puked on the keyboard.

He shoots, he scores!

Tiger Woods has confirmed the speculation.  He’s making his return to professional golf at Augusta.

You may have noticed by now that I kinda sorta enjoy that golf tournament.  When he wrapped his Escalade around… well, pretty much everything (animated graphic here), I became immediately panicked about the undisputed best weekend in sports.

But today, proper order has been restored to the world.

What’s that you say?  The Masters, NHL playoffs, NBA playoffs, college hockey playoffs, March Madness finals and the start of the baseball season?  Hmm.  Thank youuu, April. 

I’ll be live blogging the weekend on one of those “Cover It Live” things, and anybody who wants to watch “with” me and entertain each other (that guy spends more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff), I welcome your company.

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I’ve become more fluent in the language of internettia since I started working on the damn thing for a living.  After watching a TIME video on tech trends, I decided it was time I add all the “share” buttons to the top of this blog.

Basically, they were explaining to simpletons like me how the reader is becoming the distributor.  Good writing, entertaining stories and all things viral are passed about by people like you recommending stuff through Digg, Twitter, and any of the million other options you have for sharing.

So, on those days I write something of significance (not that OMG TIGER WOODS IS COMING BACK isn’t), please share share share!  You can also grab my RSS thinger, follow me on Twitter, or just come to my site and read stuff the old fashioned way.  Whatever tickles your pickle.

{Also, thanks to Kyle and Fiona for their recent donations to the blog.}

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Alright, I’m on to hockey, calm down.

BREAKING DOWN AGITATORS

We’ve all accepted that agitators are a part of hockey.  They always have been.  But let’s call a spade a spade today, because frankly, it’s fun to do.

They’re phonies.

A legit NHLer that doesn't need to play so douchey.

Their style of play is a cop out for effective hockey.  When they aren’t performing well, they always have the fail-safe option of flapping their gums in the direction of their opponent, and suddenly everyone thinks they’re “in the game”. 

Even their coach might say “Look at that guy, he’s the only one who cares tonight.”

Really?

O-VER  RATE-ED clap-clap-clapclapclap. 

For some reason, the fans love them, yet they have zero positive effect on their teams chances of winning, unless they’re actually playing the quality hockey that so many of them are capable of.  Zero percent, because for every time their antics help a team win, it’s balanced by them costing their team a game.

In this sport, what does “rattling” your opponent do?  Fire him up?  — It’s hockey, not golf.  I understand head games when you’re playing a guy who has to stand over a four foot million dollar putt, but getting someone more involved and revved up in a physical game?  All these idiots do is wake sleeping beasts.

There are times when they draw penalties, sure.  But to do that, you need to sneak in a few spears and trips, which means they end up taking a few along the way themselves.  These guys hear “poser” and “clown” and “phony” on repeat, because their peers know what they are.  They’re doing whatever they need to do to draw a paycheck, but it’s not in a respectable way.  It’s indecent proposal on skates – would you intentionally injure people for a million dollars?  Apparently, yes.

Name me a completely clean agitator that’s get devoid of a “questionable” play in their career.  Cooke?  Burrows? Hartnell?  Downie?  Carcillo?  Avery?  Somewhere along the line they all take it too far. (Honest question: I rarely see the Wild play, but Clutterbuck is getting a bit of a reputation for being effective.  Is he both an “agitator” and still without incident?  Maybe he’s the rule’s exception.)

Thanks for the pixels, person I stole this from.

In playing that role, you know that’s the case.  You know at some point you “might” hurt someone.   Your coach knows that’s probably going to happen too, so he lives with his fingers crossed that it just doesn’t cost the team a penalty.

How many times can you watch a forward make a just-a-split-second-later-than-necessary attempted hit, miss the guy and make a ruckus on the glass, and still rise to your feet and applaud?

The difference between those worthy of our respect is just so unmistakable: If Jerome Iginla feels someone did something that needs answering, he drops the gloves from his Hall-of-Fame 50-goal scoring hands and fights.  If Vincent Lecavalier needs to get his team going, he’ll do the same.

But when Sean Avery goes to fill his role, he skates by the opposing bench, taunts someone, hacks someones laces, agrees to fight then leaves his gloves on to draw a penalty.  There’s no honor there.  But enjoy your celebrity, dude.

These guys have always been in the game, from my Dad’s day to mine.  They aren’t going anywhere, and I’m not proposing they do.  I’m just proposing we open our eyes and stop cheering for them.

Some Hockey, Some Football, Some Weekend

You catch the highlights of the Flyers/Rangers game last night?  Can we kindly ask Carcillo to go play in a different league?  What an embarassment.  No better fit for that orange and black though, I guess.

Ugh.

He fought Avery and Gaborik, saying after the game (about the Gaborik fight): “I didn’t really expect to fight who I fought, but it worked out okay.  I don’t know who on that line would have been able to help him though.  Once he dropped his gloves, I was pretty much just licking my chops.”

He looks like some creepy Spanish explorer with that dumb mustache. 

And they call me, El bagodouche.

(Abba) Zaba

You know what’s crazy about watching highlight packages these days?  Last night, two huge rivals, major NHL teams going head-to-head in Madison Square Garden, Sean “Celebrity First” Avery fights El bagodouche Carcillo, and and as he’s getting off the ice, I see the back-up goalie open the gate for him.  Wait, who’s that?  It was, from small town Yorkton, Saskatchewan, a quiet, polite and funny ex-junior-teammate of mine, Matt Zaba.  It always takes a few seconds to process when you see someone you know where you don’t expect to, like when two TV shows do a crossover and suddenly Ray Romano is on King of Queens.  But that’s the way it is now.  Buddies and teammates just make ESPN cameos.  Crazy.

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I’m not sure what I liked more about this clip: How much Rafa likes it, or how much the commentator is enamoured with the whole situation (he can barely breathe he gets so giggly).  Either way, it’s a great clip. (By the way, how did one jagoff from Jersey get me to think about him everytime I use a commonplace word like “situation”.  It’s just such. a great. nickname.)

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I could poop I have such a great weekend ahead:

A tad bloody, admittedly

Tonight: Another Dexter-athon. 

There is simply no better way to watch TV than a box set, and if you stumble upon a show you like, what a treat.  I was fortunate enough to have not seen a SINGLE STAR WARS before 2009, so I got to take them all in, one at a time, over a couple weeks with Bri.  I still haven’t seen more than a show or two of Lost either.  It’s just the greatest, commercial-free, plot-following hidden pleasure a TV can provide.  So yes.  Dexter tonight.  And wine.  Muchos, muchos wine.

Saturday:  ASU/U of A college basketball

Tolja.

ASU is number one in the Pac-10, and is playing their crosstown rival, U of A.  Around here, you pick one horse and ride it, so after buying ASU gear to attend a football game earlier this year, I’m currently aboard a horse named Sparky (plus its twice as sweet cause the Sun Devil hand sign is, essentially, The Shocker).  My uncle/editor/mentor/business-advisor/unpaid-slave Ken got me tickets for my birthday, so Bri and i will be hitting that game up!

Sunday:  J   E   T   S   JETS JETS JETS!  …..And Vikings Saints is gonna be S -I-C-K   SICK SICK SICK! 

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Football predictions:

Saints 31, Vikings 30

This game is going to be epic. 

It makes some sense to pick the Favres Vikings.  Their pass rush should be able to put enough pressure on Brees to limit the time he needs to find a receiver, and by all logic, the Vikes deadly offense is playing a sub-par defense.  I could see the Saints stressing about Favre and forgetting Peterson can do serious damage everytime he touches the ball.  (BTW, is there a better celebration in sports than Jared Allen’s “calf roping” move?  No.  There’s not…. sorry for the grainy video)

That said, it’s amazing how quickly everyone writes off the Saints success from this season like they’re a tenth place team that got lucky a bunch of times.  It’s tough to win every night in the NFL no matter who you’re playing, but they damn near did it…. every night.  We saw the Vikings have a few horrible tackling games this year and lose – the only times we saw the Saints lose, they were depleted with injuries or mailing it in (er, sorry, resting guys for the playoffs).  They’ve got a ton of weapons, and Brees knows how to use ‘em.

The game will be high scoring, and close, but a field goal wins it after a late game push by Brees and the Saints.  And Favre retires after the game, only to un-retire before leaving New Orleans.

….sighhhhhh.  Here it comes….

I'll make the first "JarMarkus Sanchez" joke. There, done.

Jets 17, Colts 24

The Jets are going to end the season by torturing their supporters, as per usual.  Colts will score to go up seven, but the Jets will have the ball and ample time to get downfield and tie the game up.  Sanchez will finally be put in a situation where if he doesn’t get it done, we won’t get it done.  And then he’ll throw a pick, just so everyone in the entire state of New York can question him and the Jets for the entire off season.  Ouch.

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Post houseguests/New Years/Christmas and all that, life has finally settled back into something normal.  I’m back to a fourty hour writing week, and need more work to fill that time (and money to pay those bills) - if you, or anyone you know could use some Bourne-infused text, hit me up at jtbourne@gmail.com

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That’s all folks.  Thanks for another great week, and hope your weekend is full of Jet chants and booze!

At A Glance

Did Dany Heatley just call Jody Shelley the “best in the league at what he does”?  Maybe he juggles behind the scenes or something.

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I think we can put Mike Johnson on our Potentially Good Analyst Watch.  Lets track his development.

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The wife is currently en route to JFK to catch up with her family for five days.  I’m currently at my destination until her return, our couch.  What are the best (and worst) parts of having the house to yourself for extended periods of time?  Show your work.

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Anyone else skeptical of Tocchet’s ability as a coach in Tampa Bay?  Their team isn’t that bad, man.  Not this bad anyway.  Good tenders, couple stars, “extras” like Malone, Hedman…  I’m thinkin’ they need a real coach.  I hear Barry Melrose is available.  Or maybe Don Cherry?

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After writing the Don Cherry bit, I just thought – wouldn’t it be sweet if some struggling US team in a non-hockey market just went full-on sideshow to make money?  Hired Don Cherry, Mike Milbury and Pierre McGuire, traded for Avery, Carcillo, Boogaard, and like, George Parros, picked up some tiny little thrill guys who suck defensively like Afinagenov and Kovalev, put Ron Hextall and Billy Smith in net and just sold the shit outta tickets?  Vince McMahon could be Director of Operations.  It’d be like watching Jersey Shore — “I know I shouldn’t be supporting crap like this, but I just… can’t… turn… away.”

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I think my cat is sneaking acid tabs.

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Yes. 

If this goal was by Crosby or Ovechkin, it’d be being called the goal of the __________ (fill in the whatever length of time you like).  To me, these types of goals aren’t as cool as beating a bunch of opponents with moves, but it’s so awesome it deserves this simple review:

Yes.

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I may add to this as the day goes on, but I’ve got a few things to do first!

Aw, Sidney. You're A Good Boy.

I figured it out Canada.  I know why hockey isn’t being embraced by the rest of the world (read: the United States).  Personality.  Thank God Ovechkin showed up, he’s given our game a chance.  The problem started with great ambassadors to the game like Gretzky.  Sure, the Gretzky trade to L.A. was probably the single biggest influence in bringing the game to Americans, but it wasn’t his playing or his personality that damped enthusiasm.  It was his level of class.  

It didn’t do harm in his era, because there was still a volume of loud mouth entertainers playing at the same time (Tiger Williams used to ride his stick.  Actually.  That happened).  The  problem became that kids grew up idolizing Wayne and in turn were speaking with respect about their opponent and modestly about their own contributions. I respect Gretzky’s public persona, and wish we could sell that game to the US without a little unnecessary flair, but I’m not sure it’s possible.  They love that stuff. 

Kids wanted to be Gretter.  And our parents wanted the same.  Whaaattt a wonnnderful example he set.  Cordial, polite and professional, he simply achieved the highest goal:  Win.  Facts and polite smiles at every turn.  Other leagues have their biggest stars saying the most obscene things and creating sub-plots fit for theatre (Slapshot reference: how about the implied storyline that never develops any farther then “He’s been living in semi-seclusion in Northern Quebec, Andre “The Poodle” Lessard…”).  These sub-plots are everywhere in hockey, but they exist behind closed doors.  Frankly, the media isn’t savvy enough to dig them up.  I think the guys covering the NFL wiretap the room or something.

But take Sidney Crosby, Gretzky’s protege.  What a player.  Whether you think he’s the best, or a baby, or whatever, you can’t deny that he’s good.  But he’s the last thing the NHL needed.  A superstar saying the right thing.  Sean Avery wasn’t a fair representation of the NHL (though he was of himself), but, man.  ESPN couldn’t get enough of this guy.  I literally didn’t know Mats Sundin played for the Canucks until I got home on the weekend.  But I knew how many pinstripes were on the suit Avery was wearing at his internship for Vogue.  I knew his dating history, his slightly effeminate manner for an agitator, and could have diagnosed him with a psychological condition. 

If Mike Comrie would say”I could care less that we lost, I’m going to Hannah Montana, er, Hillary Duffs birthday party tonight”, like he’s actually thinking, people might follow our game a bit closer.  Everyone in America cannot wait to hear what Terrell Owens says after he finishes a game with 1 catch for 8 yards.  It’s a soap opera.

(I enjoy both the hat, and that the clip helps my case at the start, in the middle, and to finish)

And thats whats lacking in our game.  We don’t need constant rule fixes, highlighted pucks or outdoor games (but those are great, keep those going).  The teams and the league need to stop worrying so much about bulletin board material.  You know, those apparently motivating comments like “The Islanders defence sucks” before you play the Islanders.  You know what?  The Islanders defence does suck.  Just because they know that you think it, doesn’t mean they can stop anything. 

This black-balling of flair from the game may be the NHL’s biggest turn-off, including Gary Bettman.  Coaches love to warn their team about the evils of disrespecting your opponent in the media and how it’s going to give them fuel.  It’s just not true.  Plus, you can respect your opponent and still say something interesting and relevant into the microphone can’t you?  Hockey definitely leads major sports in regurgitated answers.  Phrases like “gut check” are nauseasting.  I used to think it was because hockey players aren’t that smart (they aren’t), but I reeeeeaaalllly don’t think basketball or football players finished with higher GPA’s.  But it’s just not necessary to be so wary of what we say.  Never once in my career have a I thought “I can’t believe Steve Defenceman doesn’t think our team can score.  I’m gonna score so many more goals now to prove him wrong”.  I was already trying to score. 

Please, coaches, Gary Bettman, team captains… loosen up.  Let the fans see a little of that passion,  and a few of those storylines that stay buried.  I promise it will be more fun if they notice that right from the drop of the puck #17 has been clipping #22 in the mouth with his elbow everytime they line up for a face off.  I promise if will be more fun if more people notice your game.  Enough Sidney.  You’re a good boy.  You’re a good boy.

     Okay, maybe we could use a liiiittle censorship. 

I haven’t seen an NHL highlight in the US since that clip.  Loosen up boys.