Friday Free-For-All

So, Steven Seagal: Lawman is a real show, huh?  I’m getting a kick out of TV just mailing it in right now.

I long for natural selection.

They’re like, eff it, people just want to stare at their TV and call other people idiots anyways (whether it’s CNN or MTV), so make “Jersey Shore” a show.  And yes, let’s do more seasons of The City and Hills.  MTV, you’re just so good at sucking, any new suggestions?  Bully Beatdown? Tough Love?  It all sounds great.  Get ‘em made.  People will hate it, then watch anyways.  Why?  Because there’s nothing but crap on any channel, dipshit.”

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soooothing....

Readers from earlier this year know I’m a sucker for golf majors.  Like, during The Masters, I have a no-leaving-the-house rule on the weekend. If Tiger somehow botched my weekend with his whole debacle, he’s got bigger problems than a shattered marriage and tarnished public image.  I’m flying to Windemere to finish the job his wife started with that nine-iron.

On another Tiger note – if you’re the girl, are you crazy to let that phone message out, knowing what it’ll do to his wife and family?  Or are you crazy to not accept the money?  Do you have zero obligation to not chuck him under the front wheels of the bus at that point?  I guess bangin’ a married guy sort of eliminates any chance you’re concerned about his wife, huh?

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Looking for reviews on Bud Lights “Golden Wheat”.

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Okay guys, it’s time to talk. 

Say something about it, I dare you...

Bad news….  Most of us are over the mustache thing. 

Sucks right?  They were such a gold mine of humour for so many years.  But too many people are in on the joke now.  And like mullets, some people still rock them despite our culture’s obvious penchant for verbally abusing the owner, so those people can still be the butt-end of a few cookie-duster barbs.  But for the most part… it’s over.  Someone tell George Parros (and I suggest you do it nicely).

(Sidebar – we all agree he rocks the ‘stache just so he can get somebody to talk shit, and thus give himself more chances to justify his role on the team as a fighter, right?)

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So I got thinking, in the wake of Tiger sleeping with more people than Ambien… who are our holy saints now?

Here’s the best of what we got left.  Top three.

Wanna see me comb my hair, really fast?

Third Place: Albert Pujols (as Deadspin pointed out)

It’s amazing that his name hasn’t come up in any steroid allegations for two reasons.  One, he’s built like from-ten-years-ago never-that-popular cartoon character Johnny Bravo.  And two, during the steroid era, all he’s done is hit the stuffing out of the ball, every year, consistently and politely, while winning MVP awards.  But it’s baseball, so I’m less inclined to care (Go Mets!).

Second Place: Lebron James

The homie’s still only 25, but for a man with stature like his, the slate is pretty damn sparkly.

First Place: Sid “I’m taking over Tigers ‘most boring athlete’ title” Crosby

If you found out Sid was up to some dirt, you’d be floored, wouldn’t you?  Anything beyond a speeding ticket from the guy and I’d be completely befuddled.  The carefully cultivated image, the boring-but-proper interviews…. he’s Tiger, minus the mystique.  He really does seem straight up bland.  By the way, is he still living at Lemieux’s, does anyone know?  That’s officially well past acceptable if he is.  Hey, wait a second… maybe Brendan Burke will have some support soon!

[*Note - Blog has been up for two hours, and I've already been dominated by two reader suggestions.  Joe Mauer and Peyton Manning should definitely be on that list.  Or a longer one, at worst.]

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Frrrrrriiiiiiiiiidddddddaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!  And I’m ready to admit it’s almost Christmas.  And almost my birthday.  And still 70 degrees here.  All of which, you may have noticed, are great things.  So have a wonderful weekend, peeps.  Lookin’ forward to the comments!

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{RANDOM LIST: TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

5. A Christmas Carol
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
3. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
2. It’s a Wonderful Life
1. Christmas Vacation}

Sacre Bleu! C’est Armstrong de Lance!

The NHL schedule is out today.  In a related story, the Islanders were just mathamatically elimated from the 2010 playoffs.  Tough start.

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Livestrong, Lance Armstrong (or live really strong, with slightly elevated testosterone levels):

I’m not sure what to make of this “nearly-leading-the-Tour-de-France” thing he’s throwing at us.

In regards to steroid use, you have to believe there’s no way he’d be using during this years ride for charity.  He wouldn’t put every previous win he’s ever had at risk by getting caught in the twilight of his career.  He wouldn’t be stupid enough to roll that dice now (if he ever was).

So then I’m left to assume he really just dominates that race, and is legitimately in the mix again, which makes “impressive” an understatement.

It’s made me reflect on his career a bit.

It’s tough to say if he was ever a cheater or not.  You really hope not, for one obvious reason.  If he did, he’s been exploiting his own cancer, holding himself up as a hero, “guiding the way” for those who need a leader.  And somehow, in the last few years, Lance has gone from an abrasive, cheating-accused Texan cycling champion to a celebrity-dating, movie cameo’ed, Mother Teresa brand name.

The upside is that, even if he did cheat, he’s made a ton of money for cancer research.  But then again, how awful would it be to find out some guy has been using his cancer as a platform to celebrityhood, willingly accepting the praise (and book sales) that come with actually overcoming such a hardship? 

I like Lance, and want it all to go down as pure (a little late for “pure” maybe.  This guy’s been accused of drug-use more times than Ricky Williams) strictly because you know the French are pulling out their hair every time he succeeds, yelling “tabernac!” and tearing apart their croissants like Tommy Boy does his pretty little pet.

At the very least, it’ll make for interesting TV, which I’d watch, if it weren’t cycling.

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If you hire a financial planner who looks like this, and is on record as saying he doesn’t like reading because “all them little words confuse me”, then you lose all your money, who’s the idiot?

Lenny Dykstra – $31 shmill. in debt.  Thanks for playin’.

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I’m issuing a cease and desist order on players calling their fans “the best in ______”.  Albert Pujols called the St. Louis fans “the best in baseball” yesterday, which seems unlikely.

Go... Mets?

Maybe he’s right in this particular instance (anybody else skeptical out there? Anyone..? Bueller… Bueller…), but it’s got to stop.  I played junior B hockey against a kid who called the Beaver Valley Thunder Hawks fans “the best in hockey”.  Probably not.

Players get stuck on loop, not because they’re incapable of thinking of something good to say, it’s just the nomenclature of the business, the same way the Bush administration would call my shattered jaw a “puck-assisted bone reorganization”.  I understand it at sports’ highest levels:  They get asked 13,000 questions a day, so they put it on auto-pilot.  Plus, any semi-inflammatory thing that crawls out of their mouth is on 98 different talk shows before it’s halfway out, so you can see why the daily message would stay bland.

Part of the job of a professional athlete is talking for the sake of sound bites, but please, lets try to think before declaring something unoriginal (and simply not true).

But on a more serious note… my readers are the best in the world.  Best readers ever.  I just love these guys.  Proud to be a part of something special with ‘em.  It’s a team game.