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Sugar Cookies Suck. And Other Stuff.


Ahh, I’m back and feeling refreshed today.  Lets dive in.

My “rec hockey tip of the week” is for defenceman, on stick position.

When a guy is coming down on you one-on-one (or two-on-two, whatever), you aren’t being sneaky by keeping your stick out to the side for the big swing check.  I’m aware you have a stick, I haven’t forgotten from the previous thousand games I’ve played, like a puppy re-biting on the fake-thrown tennis ball.  Hiding it isn’t helping your cause. 

With huge eyes and head.

With huge eyes and head.

Lil silver tiger.

Lil silver tiger.

In fact, 90% of the time, I’m looking for your stick to put the puck under.  And when you swing it, I’m gonna skate to the side you’re swinging from everytime, slide the puck close to your feet so said stick misses badly, and cross you over.  The stick-swing weight-shift f**ks you.  Keep it in front of you, “on” the puck. 

{kitten just walked up my legs, and stuck his stupid round head over the screen, like a whack-a-mole.  He’s a healthy happy boy, judging by the purrs/terrorism}.


Is Hannah Storm hot or not?  I’m confused.


Hey, fellow Canadians.  Inconsisent but talented defenseman Tomas Kaberle just passed Tim freaking Horton on the all-time assist-list for Toronto Maple Leafs.  Nothing warms your heart like that I bet.  Save for the occassional double-double.  Those things are like crack.


Being 100% honest, my blog is less fun to write now than when I started it in January/Febuary of this year, minus the fact that I can open my mouth to consume sustinence now (see: the tale of Bourne’s busted face).  Big perk.  Reason being is that now I make an effort to keep it about hockey, which occassionally doesn’t hold my interest.  It was more of a poorly-written review of documentaries and stand-up comedy in it’s inception, my two favourite things to watch (or Seinfeldian “what’s the deal with’s”). 

Point is, I have a running argument with a friend where I explain that sugar cookies are at the bottom of the cookie totem pole, and he’s in denial (my mom makes mmm, ballpark, 90 varieties of Christmas cookies/squares, general deliciousnesses, and he picks the sugar cookies off the chocolate-laden tray).  Which brings me to a long-time-due re-running of this Gary Gulman bit on sugar cookies that I ran allll the way back then:

[frustratedly still searching for clip I know is somewhere on the internet]


The ice cream on the back of the lid rules. 


So, after watching Rick Nash fall post-shootout attempt (again), it’s safe to say that, as a goalie, he’s the last person you want to see coming down on a breakaway, right?  Three reasons – A) He can score  B) He’s huge, and very well might fall/run you over  C) He might do them simultaneously.

Third Video: Shootout where he destroys tender and net, scores (still looking for that too)

Also on Nash: If you do a Youtube search of his shootout goals, they’re identical.  I don’t know why goalies don’t know this yet.  Everytime he almost falls, it’s because he’s doing something different.  We have the internet now. Goalies need to Nash is going forehand to the blocker side.  Tambellini is going high glove.  EVERY TIME.  Research, people!


And last, a little bit of disappointing news.

Dan Friedell

Dan Friedell

This summer, I got a call from a guy named Dan Friedell.  Dan was the online hockey editor for USA Today, and at the urgings of a mutual friend, had read a little of my hockey writing.

Dan called me out of the blue one day, thinking we might be able to help each other out.  I agreed to write a hockey “blog” for them (aka the best I could possibly write a column ever), they get free hockey content, and in turn, I got the hope that if the stories were good, and people liked them, he would push to have me on as staff for the 09-10 season.

Well, the blogumns went well, and true to his word, Dan hired me to write a bi-weekly column.  I was ecstatic.

Dan got laid off yesterday (hopefully not for hiring me), as a result of the newspaper industry’s continued need to hack costs (and in turn, often quality) in an attempt to keep up with us “new media” folk and all our free content.  Because nothing say “news” like “Is Hannah Storm hot?”

So anyways, thanks Dan.  I really appreciate you giving me the opportunity to do what I do on a larger scale, and I’ll do my best to make that column something people look forward to reading, to show you’re a guy who makes good decisions.  My most recent, on old school coaches, came out yesterday.


34 Responses to “Sugar Cookies Suck. And Other Stuff.”
  1. Ron says:

    HS: Not hot now, nor was she in the past. The best thing she has going for her is her name, and the first name even makes that a near miss. She’s like a porn star’s not nearly as attractive sister.

  2. PVeltkamp says:

    Nice article on USA Today JB. I couldn’t agree more about the flying the zone early. Still thinking of a bet for next week.

  3. jtbourne says:

    Thanks Amy Jo, but you need to actually see the stand-up. Plus, that bit is a bit of the… unrefined version.

  4. ms.conduct says:

    I know guys who think she’s hot. And she had on this fitted red dress the other day and I remember thinking, “Wow. Smokin’ Hannah. Damn!” But then I’m a 34 yo chick so my version of hot probably skews a little older and less overt. With women anyway. With guys, the younger and more overt, the better.

    Sugar cookies are relentlessly dull.They’re filler on the cookie tray for people with no sense of adventure or lots of allergies.

    Rick Nash is terrifying. I always imagine him twirling an invisible goalie jock on the end of his stick as he skates away after one of those goals. Bastard.

  5. Amy Jo says:

    Picky, picky. You organize a commenter/blogger road trip to see Gulman and I’ll clear my busy avoiding work/Coyotes schedule.

    Tyson can be the entertainment.

  6. smoboy says:

    You want to make some cash, open up a Timmy Ho’s or three, down there.

  7. Steve C. says:

    Thanks for the “Tip-O-The Week”…keep ‘em coming.

    In regard to your blog being less fun now, here’s your free intermission pep talk:

    Since writing is your new profession, you’re are back where you started 27 years ago.
    The “…hour upon hour of after-practice time skating into off-hand one-timers.” and “…all those power skating schools I begrudgingly attended instead of playing golf during the summer months.”

    You’ve already put in the 10,000 hours of practice once…time to start over.
    The good news is you also are talented in this field.
    (Not many people can change mid-stream and be successful.)
    The bad news is now your brain, instead of your body, will be tired & sore.

    Write everyday no matter what, play rec hockey, and have a few cold ones.
    …not necessarily in that order.

  8. Goody says:

    Hannah Storm – hot to those who like sugar cookies. To those that like chocolate icing and sprinkles, maybe not so much.

  9. Mike says:

    I’m sure I play in a lower rec league than you Justin. I love when a D man stop skating and prep for the big stick swing. Anyone who plays hockey regardless of level, should be able to skate around a stopped player. Basically a pylon at that point. But it does give you a chance to make someone look really really stupid.

    This blog becomes lol cats in 5..4..3..

  10. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Your blog may not be as fun to write because now it’s so closely connected to your work – it starts to feel like work. I don’t believe when people say how much they LOVE to get out of bed everyday and go to their job. Work is work and once it’s something you HAVE to do it immediately becomes less fun.

    Dude – cookies without chocolate just aren’t worth the calories. Last year I made sugar cookies with peppermint frosting and mint M & Ms – so good….

  11. jtbourne says:

    Steve C – Thanks for the advice man. That’s the equivalent of “I know conditioning is good for me, but it’s soooo monotonous.” But it’s good for me. So I shall write… and have cold ones. (on a related note, I’m disappointed so many people so readily accept Malcolm Gladwell’s 10,000 hours theory, not because I think it’s wrong, but because I don’t like Malcolm Gladwell’s writing. I couldn’t get through Outliers, honestly. So question: does he mention that some people are just super-talented, and thus would probably still be better than everyone else with like, 4,000 hours (ie Lebron, Gretzky…)?

    Goody – Hilarious. Bonus point.

  12. minnesotagirl71 says:

    One more thought – I hope you don’t stop writing your blog! Regardless of the topic – it’s a great read and makes me think about things that I hadn’t thought about before – some serious and some that crack me up.

  13. Char says:

    I’ll take a sugar cookie over anything with mint any day. Who wants toothpaste on their pastry?

    Awwww, cute kitty. Now I want another cat. Uh oh.

  14. Dan n St Paul says:

    i’ll take fudge over any cookie of any kind anyday.

    Hannah Storm in a bar on the “range” = hot. Bar in Snottsdale = Cougar.

  15. Danielle says:

    Not on topic BUT interesting – Today at school in lecture my prof talked about your article from USA today on homophobia! I perked up a bit. She is an American prof. but the school I attend in is Ontario. Thought you might be interested in hearing this!


  16. mattycakes says:

    I had to google Hannah Storm to see who she is.

    After said googling, it has only affirmed my theory that I can hardly remember the names any of the Sportscenter anchors. Hell, they all seem to run together after awhile, males and females alike. The only ones I can remember is John Buccigross (because of the funny name and his hockey column) and Stuart Scott (because of the SC commercials). That’s about it.

    I know there’s a tall bald dude with glasses with a Dutch(ish) name that I also like, but that’s about the extent of it.

    Anywho, oatmeal raisin cookies is where it’s at.

  17. Will77 says:

    Damn it JT, don’t tell defensemen to fix that! lol I also love how defensemen in rec leagues thinks that because the puck is on my backhand side, I MUST be going to the left (I’m a righty) in a completely straight line. Its like they’ve never seen before that there’s actually moves you can do while the puck is on the backhand.

    From watching every Islander game this season (3-4 on highlight replays), and therefore seeing 138 overtimes/shootouts, it boggles me how goalies don’t seem to watch video on surefire shoot out top 3′s for a team they’re about to play. I want to get tickets behind the opposing teams net, and went Tambellini goes, put up a sign behind the goalie that says “He’s shooting over your glove!”, and when Frans Nielsen is up “fake shot, backhand top shelf!”. At least Okposo stopped that weird backhand thing he kept doing last year.

  18. SDC says:

    I may or may not be the friend engaged in the sugar cookie debate.

    Hannah Storm (if that is her real last name) is the new Nelly Fertado, in that her attractiveness is not able to be defined in the positive or negative; rather she will float in a neutral limbo for the remainder of her existence, forever being debated. So “Goody”, your theory is voided, as I love me a sugar cookie, and Storm is a pending assessment. “Char” knows what’s up. And I’ll 2nd “Mattycakes” choice of oatmeal raisin cookies. But to beat a White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookie is impossible. Also, I would have accepted the 2 layer cookie with the red circle of jam in the middle of the top half; Peek Freens, I think?

  19. j says:

    Important question – are the sugar cookies frosted? Anything with frosting >>> something without frosting.

    I’d still rather have a sugar cookie than something with raisins. Why use raisins when you can use chocolate chips?

  20. Deirdre says:

    So with all your professional writing – why do you feel you *have* to write about hockey in your blog? It’s your blog darn it, you can write about whatever you want. I’m gonna take a guess that your writing style is what’s keeping quite a few folks reading here, whether you’re writing about rec league or homophobia, or kittens :-) Not that I wouldn’t be sad if you *never* talked about hockey…but you lived hockey for 20+ years of your life, I doubt it’s possible for you to go more than a few weeks without talking about it!

    Sugar cookies on the other hand are a wonderful addition to the cookie family – they’re kind of like being served a sorbet in the middle of your meal as a palette cleanser. Yummy in and of itself, but not something I’d give up mint chocolate chip for.

    As for best cookies – Mexican Wedding Cookies/Pecan Sandies (depending on where you’re from). Absolute heaven!

  21. jtbourne says:

    I’m just appalled at the amount of crappy dessert suggestions. Oatmeal raisin? Pecan sandies? The words “chocolate” “diabetes” or “Coldstone” should be involved, or its insufficient.

  22. Beer:30 says:

    It’s a blog! It probably costs you money! Do what you want with it! Post crappy sugar cookie recipes in German! I’m just here parasitically enjoying your semi-random tangents. Predictable writing sucks!

  23. SDC says:

    That’s 2 more for the good guys, Bourne. Your anti-sugar cookie crusade is losing its legs! You and Gary Golman can go eat a loaf of chocolate fruitcake in a corner somewhere by yourselves. More frosted, sprinkled, or good ol’ plain sugar cookies for the rest of us!

  24. jtbourne says:

    You’re a donkey. Given the choices Mom provides on that tray, and a one-cookie allowance for each of the readers, not one of them takes a tree shaped sugar cookie over:

    Skor bars
    Peanut butter balls
    Thumbprint cookies with jam
    Turtles bars
    Those carmel/chocolate wafer things
    Powdered sugar shortbread

    Or anything else she makes (like Bailey’s cheesecake). Your love of sugar cookies is offensive to people with tastebuds.

  25. Pete L says:

    You’re fighting an uphill battle trying to convince people you’re straight with all the cat pics. Did you name it yet? Might wanna go with Beard!

  26. jtbourne says:

    Pete L – Brutal timing to get a cat right? I thought of running a whole entry dedicated to Marisa Miller, but then, I do have to answer to my fiance at the end of the day. And I’ll have more straight opportunities by keeping her happy than I would by convincing the internet population that I’m not gay. Sooo, kittens it is, brutha…

    Oh, and the name is Tyson (face tat markings, tough) Davidson (my brother has a “Harley”) Meowsercat (seriously, I’m straight) Bourne (he fights like Jason Bourne. Okay, it’s just my last name). Tyson Davidson Meowsercat Bourne.

  27. Andrea says:

    Alright, I’m all for kittens. I’d rather have a cat than a dog any day, for the simple reason that cats don’t have to like you. Dogs like EVERYONE(i’m speaking of real dogs that weigh over 20 lbs…tiny lap growlers are notorious for NOT liking everyone…kinda like cats…hmmm)but to be loved by a cat…that’s special. Ask anyone who’s had a cat that doesn’t like them. I never once thought you were any less of a man for wanting a cute, fluffy, dark hallway ankle assassin. But i must draw the line at multiple names. I have tons of friends who do this..(i.e Sir Oscar Baeumont, the Third) and sure, it’s funny, but these people don’t even use a part of the damn name. These poor dogs are carrying around a name they need a passport for, and they come to “baby”.
    I’ve always been a fan of human names for pets. Nothing better than a hamster named Trevor.
    Oh, and oatmeal butterscotch chip, please.

  28. Jbrown says:

    Holy shit. Beard is the best name for a cat ever.

  29. PAT says:

    Why does your cat have 4 names ? They dont even come when you call them by the first name…..

  30. Kate B says:

    It’s kind of the paradox “don’t think of the white elephant,” right? “Don’t think of the audience.”

    Ultimately, you’ll know what’s worth writing about like you know which way to get around the D guy, when. Trust your instincts and do what you’re best at.

    That’s my two cents worth of advice.

    Token dyke opinion on Storm is too skinny, scary face, scarier teeth.
    I have no opinion on sugar cookies.

  31. jtbourne says:

    I was unaware that, in the same way a black person has unlimited access to n-bombs, gay people had open season on the gay slurs. But, it totally makes sense, now that I think about it. The same way I can call myself a “hoser, eh”, but when you call me one, the courtesy laugh will be noticeably forced.

  32. Kate B says:

    Yeah, someone else doing it could be fight-inciting. I hate the word. It loses power when I apply it to myself, which is something you’ve no doubt heard.

    Plus I think anyone who takes themselves too seriously is silly.

    Really. Some of my best friends are Canadians. I have nothing against them. Particularly if I get to watch.

    :D :D

  33. Steve C. says:

    I agree Malcolm Gladwell’s writing isn’t for everyone, and no he doesn’t do the math (super-talented people need less hours) but the points he makes are these:
    First, whatever you want your profession to be (plumber, data analyst, chef, etc.) you need to put in the time and effort if you want to be excel at it. (Admittedly, some people excel more then others, because of raw talent.)
    Second, you won’t put in the 10,000 hours if it isn’t something you love doing naturally, so the reward is becoming good at something you would do for free, regardless of any level of fame/success you achieve.

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