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Shark Psychology, Shane Doan’s Injury, and the Shake Weight



 (My lastest piece for The Hockey News is here, on fans implying the league is against their team.  Though I admit, there could be refs like Tim Donaghy trying to influence things for their own gain, THERE IS NO grandiose puppet-master pulling pro-Penguin strings.  Exhale.  Exhale.)  Follow me on Twitter here.


Today’s blog has the potential to be a bit weird.  Or at least angry.  I’m one of those people that allergy season treats about as well as Clark Gillies treated Ed Hospodar’s face (two-word hint: reconstructive surgery).

I spend about a month every year feeling like when you have a cold, and whichever side you lay on, your bottom nostril is plugged – only last night, I was priveleged to have both sides shut down.  So I sat on the couch at 3:45, started eating watermelon and started writing this, strictly because that seemed like a better option than the only other thing I could think of, sticking my head a blender and hitting “liquify”.

Before I launch into hockey playoffs – have you seen the actual commercial for the “shake weight”?  The first few times I saw the ads, I mumbled “wtf”, and chuckled like every other male on the planet.  For those of you who don’t care to follow that link, just know that the product SNL parodied is actually real.  Here’s the good stuff:

Ahhh, priceless.  SNL was gold last week.  If you’re a fan and missed it, you gotta check out Andy Samberg in the Hip Hop Kids skit.   “What’re the odds?!”    “…That a bear would be in a bear cave?  Like 100%!”


Okay, on to hockey:

Daniel Carcillo reacts to scoring goals like Keanu Reeves reacts to going on totally excellent adventures.


 The Sharks knotted their series up at two, after Joe “I’m getting a bit of a reputation for doing this” Pavelski buried one top corner on Craig “really, Brodeur’s year was better than mine?” Anderson.  And for the Sharks, thank god he did.

But if I’m in that San Jose room, I’m still a little rattled at going to overtime again.

Not seeing this nearly enough.

For an underdog to pull out a playoff upset, they need to get some bounces, and they need to get some calls.  Unlike the top dog, they know that every game is going to take maximum effort for them to have any hope of winning.

Even with that formula, in a best-of-seven series the underdog can’t get the breaks every night.  Usually along the way, like in the case of Washington/Montreal, the better team will just have one of those nights where they play to their potential, and win 5-1.  Or like how the Pens looked like defending Cup champs just a few nights after losing game one.  And I suspect one of these nights we’ll see the same thing in the Nashville/Chicago series, where they’ll play the type of game where the better roster gets some luck, brings their work ethic, and wins in convincing fashion.  Not saying Chicago will win the series (wait, yes I am), but they’ll have a night where they flex their muscles.

For San Jose, holy shit fellas, strike a pose. 

There hasn’t been a single game out of the four where a Heatley/Marleau/Thornton/Pavelski/Boyle-laden team can put together a convincing win?  I don’t care how good their goalie is, pick some corners, move the puck, what the f**k!

If you want any of us to believe in your squad (and you want to believe in yourselves), we gotta see some something bodybuilder-like, and soon.  Oil yourself up, get a fake tan, and flex those offensive muscles tomorrow.


When Valterri Filpula banked the puck off the back of Bryzgalov, it landed on the goal line in the only conceivable way for it to not continue moving across the line, and I immediately thought the Coyotes were just destined to win.  Turns out, Jimmy Howard and Henrik Zetterberg had something to say about that.

(Phoenix takes the best overhead pics.  Love this one from game three.)

Two seconds PDF (Pre-Doan Face).


 (DoanFace photoshop gallery)

As a hockey fan, it’s frustrating having Doan miss time in this series.  One, because no one in the entire NHL deserves playoff hockey more than him (and I mean that – he’s like Steve Nash.  98% of the league would have bailed on this organization for a better title shot by now), but also because I want what everyone else wants – a clear winner.  A way to say “this is the better team” definitively.  But Shane Doan is such a crucial piece of the Coyotes puzzle, the Red Wings getting wins with him not in the lineup feels like we all go cheated. (Rumour is he’ll play in game five, so yay to that!)

Kudos to the Red Wings though, they took care of business on home ice with the other team’s captain out, just like they’re supposed to.  And all the while, Zetterberg keeps performing like a first ballot Hall-of-Famer.


So, this was brought to my attention yesterday: The Ref Cam.  It’s in a USHL game, Chicago vs. Green Bay.  We need more of this.

Can you imagine how much refs would resist a product that proves the offside they just whistled down was actually the wrong call, but the guy just made a panic decision?  Horrible feeling.  Thanks for the video, Jeff:


(What a toolbox reaction from the goalie)


Before I shut’er down for the day, I need to say a major thank you to reader Steve Croteau.  Steve noticed that a couple times I’ve bitched about not actually having a computer, which means I wreck my fiancee’s all day, with a combination of food, grease and questionable downloads.

So, since his family was moving on to a new one, he sent me their old Dell, which works wonderfully (and only weighs slightly more than Todd Bertuzzi).  Now Bri and I can be on Facebook/Twitter at the same time and never talk, awesome.  Ooo, and I can live blog more now, cause she’ll have stuff to do.  So goooo Steve!  Thanks again, man.


If you didn’t get enough randomness (or shake weightery) today, here’s an entertaining display from a couple of college baseball teams during a rain delay.  It’s worth a couple chuckles.


18 Responses to “Shark Psychology, Shane Doan’s Injury, and the Shake Weight”
  1. Matt says:

    You were surprised by the reaction? Did you SEE the kid’s hair? I would expect nothing else.

  2. Mike P. says:

    Vanilla ice called..he wants his haircut back.

  3. ashleyclimber says:

    Yeah, I’m not sure there’s a more obvious way to say “I”M A TOOL.” Straight outta “My New Haircut” right there.

  4. Mike says:

    When did Vanilla Ice start playing goalie?

  5. ms.conduct says:

    I’m hoping the goalie lost a bet or something rather than trying to start a Vanilla Ice comeback.

    Speaking of which, how does a goalie EVER end up losing Mustache Boy? HOW? Or can I just assume a mustached goalie just has Used Car Salesman taste in facial hair?

  6. Mike says:

    I would like to retract my Vanilla Ice reference. It wasn’t as good, and it was second.

  7. jtbourne says:

    Nope – It’s giving up five straight goals. Well actually, I shouldn’t say five definitively, because different teams have different rules. But five is pretty much the standard. That’s always a glorious, glorious day.

  8. Pete says:


    Mr. (that’s right, it’s Mr.) Gillies sure made the the post-Cooke Bruins look brave compared to the Rangers. No one did a thing. I can’t even scroll down to the rest of the blog without watching that several more times.


  9. jtbourne says:

    All I know is, in a thousand word blog on SNL and playoff hockey, that kid is getting busted up over his style. But, he got what he wanted… attention. And hey, did you hear? PATRICK KANE HAS A MULLET.

  10. Mike P. says:

    At least both Mikes agree on the Vanilla ice reference. I really like the James Carville skit on SNL weekend update.

  11. marshall22 says:

    I was hoping you’d rag on Chris Neil getting a penalty while celebrating a goal last night. Does that take the cake as stupidest penalty ever taken in a playoff game or what.

  12. Meg Jarrell says:

    The Carcillo comment was so priceless I just HAD to post in on my Twitter and Facebook accounts. I gave you full credit. You are my hero — I wish I was smart and witty enough to write some of the stuff you do.

  13. Sherry says:

    Nice bitch slap on the conspiracy loons at THN Justin – man, they sure do get goin’ sometimes.

  14. neil says:

    That’s probably more cardio than most of those baseball players have had all year!

    Man, how crazy is Craig Anderson right now… unreal.

    2-2 back to Phoenix.. I love it. Some really good plot-lines already… Philly up 3-1 with Carter and Gagne out of the line-up… If you can’t get it done now NJ, you don’t deserve to be anywhere near the second round. Vancouver PK on lifesupport… SJ looking lost in the postseason again… love this stuff!

  15. Steve C. says:

    …now you have your own to infect with porn viruses…computer that is.

  16. Dooz says:

    Nice beatdown by Gillies. Wondering how the Mrs. (or soon to be Mrs.) feels watching pops put a major hurtin on someone. Pride? Indifference? Does she root him on? Tell us more…
    You have to make your links open up on a new tab rather than replace your page. My ADD is such that I forget where I was after clicking on one of them and it then takes me 2+ hours to get through your posts.

  17. jtbourne says:

    That’s a really good point – when I go through people’s articles, I right click and select “open in new tab” (or window), but I guess if you have a Mac that’s not really an option? I’ll ask my web guy if that’s something we can do.

    As for watching her Dad’s fights, she just says “I dunno, it’s not really the Dad I knew, sooo….” – the one she knows cries at thanksgiving dinner when it’s his turn to say what he’s thankful for. Doesn’t really know hockey Clark, I guess. (PS, I get the vibe she enjoy’s the lickin’ he puts on people, just from how she talks about it)

  18. freeman77 says:

    Agree with your thoughts on Doan being out, although as a Wings fan it makes me breathe easier in this series. Doan is a hitting machine, not having him in the lineup is a huge difference in favor of Detroit.

    With respect to your allergies, try buying one of those air filter/purifier things with a decent HEPA filter in it for your bedroom. You can get a pretty decent one for like $100. Both my kids go through the same thing you do, and putting the filters in their rooms made a HUGE difference.

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