Subscribe to Bourne's Blog Grab My Feed!Subscribe to Bourne's Blog Subscribe to Comments

Seinfieldian Bloggables



For those of you who like a good hockey debate, definitely check out the smart, feature-length comments on my last post “An Essay on Quickness” (the “smart” part coming from commentors, not me).

You have to love a topic that brings about respectful discussion like that, especially when by the end of it all, my opinion has changed.  Anyways, on with today.


I love Jerry Seinfeld. 

You know why?  Because all that “nothing” on his show actually matters.  Those stupid, mundane little details in life that we all get stuck with unites us.  It’s all part of the human experience; it’s those shared moments that we can all relate too.  So, partly inspired by Seinfeld, partly by nothing, here’s a bunch more of my wandering, meaningless thoughts:


First, an imported Seinfeldian Blogable, from my Dad: 

Really, extension cords?  I curl you up, wrap you tight, and leave you packed with loving care, but everytime I come back to re-use you, you’ve clusterf***ed yourself into a knot again?  I hate you.

(By the way, I love that my Dad had some moment so frustrating in the garage he decide to write me about it.  I can’t wait to see if he punched a hole in the wall or not.  Safe money’s on “yes”.)


At what exact point east does ordering ”mustard” imply ”deli”, “spicy”, or “dijon” awfulness?  The standard - Yellow French’s  brand - is what you get in the west when you ask for mustard.  But I think it could be as close as middle America where it becomes a complete crapshoot, like they don’t even know their own mustard-associated identity yet.  Trying to get yellow mustard in a New York deli is pointless.  You’re the two-headed foreigner holding up the line.


Bud Light Lime – pretty dec, right?


I know I mentioned it in a tweet, but if you aren’t watching Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory, you’re doing it wrong.  Don’t give me some old song and dance about “oh, I used to watch Rob and Big, but…” – stop.  Just start watching Fantasy Factory and all is forgiven.


Isn’t watching Tim Wakefield just about the greatest thing ever?  The knuckleball is such an anomaly.  You have all these steroid juiced monsters trying huck heat an extra six miles per hour, then you have some 40+ year old essentially underhanding soft-toss to these guys (by comparison) and they’re missing the ball by an entire foot. 

It’s like making your buddy put his head on a bat and spin around ten times, shotgun a beer, then go into the batting cages with a Slinky® for a bat.  Only your buddy has an excuse for the results.


I’m wondering if many pro sports trainers are ever taken seriously by players, aside from rehabilitation purposes.  I know a couple trainers  that are, but even when I was at NHL training camps, the second the trainer would turn away he’d get mocked like turtlenecks.  It must be really tough to tell a self-trained,  talented athelete when to work out.  The why and how are easy.


There’s no. cold. water. in the state of Arizona during the summer months.  Not an exaggeration, that’s an observation.  The only cold water has been refrigerated.  The water in the resevoirs gets heated to like, a trillion degrees, then comes out ready to cook spaghetti in.  No cold water out of the taps.  Wrap your head around that.


On the same theme – Really, sporting events?  Three fifty for a bottle of water?  I mean, I’ve been gouged before.  I’ve been to movies.  I’ve even paid $1.75 for a Dasani in a gas station.  I know how much water costs.  I fill up a bottle everyday and put it in my Klean Kanteen.  Meet me in the middle on the gouge at least.  Raping me for two bucks is criminal, but at least by comparison, I could tolerate it.  Three fifty?  I’ll get a $7.25 beer, thanks.


In the days before Twitter, someone who was recognized as “funny” might have a few good ideas a week, and every month, they’d find some forum to share it with the public.  Twitter is kinda letting us see who’s funny all day, all the time. 

Like, maybe Mark Twain had a boatload of brutal sayings, but because he lived before Twitter, he had time to filter them and only let the good ones rock.  Maybe… maybe Roseanne Barr was the funniest person of all time.  We just didn’t get to hear her thoughts 24/7 as I do Seth Meyers, my favourite Twitter person to follow.  That site is gonna help the right funny people prove themselves, I’m convinced (as well as let the unfunny ones show their true colours.  I’m looking at you, Shaq).


Is there anything worse than accidentally watching DVR’ed commercials (…you know, aside from serious stuff like murder)?  You record a program, then start watching it.  In the process, you space out, forget it’s taped, and sit through five minutes of plot-separating commercials , only to remember with like, nine seconds of commercials left that it’s taped (then you start fast forwarding, go to far, and have to rewind.  Sometimes to the point of watching that same nine second of commercials anyways).  Kill myself.


… that’s probably enough of those for today.  Send your own gripes to my email address on the right, or in the comment section.  Oh, and one more thing:  You know what really grinds my gears?



20 Responses to “Seinfieldian Bloggables”
  1. ms.conduct says:

    Here’s what grinds my gears: I bring a 12 pack of Dos Equis, which has actual flavor, to hockey and the guys are practically in tears when the Bud Light Lime runs out. Whatever. More for me. Enjoy your limebeerwater, ya panzies.

  2. JD says:

    You know what irks me….how literally EVERY bottle of liquid laundry soap I’ve ever seen proudly advertises something to the effect of “2X concentration, get twice the loads!” then shows that little picture of the competitor’s big bottle vs. their little bottle pointing out that both wash the same amount of clothes. If I every see a bottle that says, “1X concentrated, get the normal amount of loads” I am buying stock in the company based on principal alone.

  3. Sally says:

    Bud Light Lime — PASS. But it’s not really beer, is it?

  4. smoboy says:

    Bud light lime. Seriously?
    I opined a while ago about the wackness of living in Arizona in the summer. Colour me vindicated.
    Thirdly, if you haven’t already come acroos it, I recommend following a twitter…tweet…w/e….called shitmtfathersays…..hysterical.

  5. smoboy says:

    Across, and shitmyfathersays. My typing is an epic fail, but my heart is pure.

  6. Officer Koharski says:

    Bud Light Lime? For shame, sir. For shame. Men drink a hearty ale, why don’t you order a sex on the beach and call it a night.

    Anyway. Do you watch Curb your Enthusiasm? It’s like all George, all the time. The plots are so cleverly written that as problems unfold you feel lucky for getting the joke and feel a warm, deep appreciation that a guy so funny shares his wisdom with you.

  7. Maria says:

    Agreed with everyone about budlight lime…way to ruin a good light beer with lime…lime actually has ruined a few things for me…like tostitos with a hint of lime…which is FALSE…they should have said…LIME OVERLOAD…TASTES LIKE A WEIRD DORITO!! ickkk.

    I looove tim wakefield! and being a red sox fan from Mass. I get the privilege of watching him pitch all the time (except when he is hurt…boo) and it never ceases to amazes me how he pitches. when the knuckleball is really dancing its like this crazy thing…IDK more pitches should throw that pitch…lets u play into ur 40s…why not??

  8. jtbourne says:

    I have a theory about people who preach the grunt-grunt-dark-beer-is-for-real-men school of thought, and it goes something like this:

    Look, I like dark beer too. I like most beer. Generally speaking, it’s safe to say I like the sauce. I have a few ideas about why people spout the anti-light-beer rhetoric A) those doing it don’t drink nearly enough to care that dark beer is the caloric equivalent to brownie mud pie overload ice cream, or B) don’t care how they look. C) Plus, there’s this other angle: I like drinking pop. There’s nothing wrong with a good Coke, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, whatever, it tastes good. Light beers are like drinking pop. I like the taste, and sometimes its refreshing to have one (with Bud Light Lime going for that Corona/summertime/refreshing angle). If I want a warm cask ale in dark pub, I’d let myself have one of those too. But I never really got the “hey look, get that guy an umbrella for his Coors Light” thing. Sometimes (and not always) a guy just wants a lighter taste!

  9. jtbourne says:

    It is hot man, but it’s not bad, honestly. The humidity is non-existant, and you can bank on blue skies. Plus, there’s plenty of places (like by the pool at my parents place, which we’ve borrowed until we find our own) that make it feel like permanent vacay.

  10. Marc says:

    I’m not gonna sit here and bash the Bud Light Lime or call you a nancy man for liking it; what I will tell you is that beers like Bud Light Lime, Summer Shandy, and any other summer “seasonal” beers similar to those are awful. They are watery, and characterless. I was offered one a summer or two ago, about half way through the bottle I only had one thing to say about it, “it tastes like a corona without the mexico.” No thank you. Sure I enjoy micro brews with names like “triple hop bitter woman,” “distilled viking blood stout,” and “We make the Optimator look like PBR” – but when I want a poolside beer someone damn well better hand me a Sol, Pacifico, Corona or at least a Modelo Especial, this domestic summertime brews have got to go.

  11. Far North says:

    Justin, your tweets are destroying your mystique.

  12. Tom Curran says:

    Hey man, I’m on your side about the testosterone beer rating crap, If your dark beer makes you so macho, have some guinness and then tell all those pro football players who drink light beer that they are panty wearing queens!!
    My gripe with the B.L.L. is that it tastes like your friends kid dropped his lime popsicle in your beer! I’ll take the bud light and grind some nice fresh lime in there!! Oh, one more thing micro-brew, sandwich in a can people, light beer can make the difference between a great round of golf or John Dalying your ass all over hells creation!! That has to give it some points!!

  13. eyebleaf says:

    Corona and a real, living lime > Bud Light Lime.

    Also: God bless Seinfeld. I still maintain that there should be a 24/7 Seinfeld channel.

    “Pulp couldn’t make it across the table.”
    “Pulp can move, baby!!!!1″

  14. Kyle says:

    Bud Light, Coors Light, Mich Golden Light (for those iof us lucky enough to live in Minn.); all of those are fine. In fact, I have a case of Coors Light pounders in the fridge right now. The problem with BLL is simple, you don’t fruit beer. Ever. I just don’t get it.
    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood…

  15. smoboy says:

    Not to be a dick, JT, but, other than golf courses, is there any green down there? My only experience with AZ is spending time in Yuma with my grandparents.

  16. Jake says:

    I like Rainier or a cold Miller Lite in a can at Suds. I like J.B. too. Let’s go Yankees, clap, clap, clap-clap-clap!

  17. UND Fighting Indians says:

    Justin, I highly encourage you to check out Simply, awesome.

  18. jtbourne says:

    Great recommendation. I’ll mention it in tomorrows blog.

  19. Vinny says:

    Kyle has it right ; Fruit should be kept away from beer, with the sole exception of Lime/Corona Orange/White ale. BL Lime is like a commercialized version of a homemade classic, like if McDonalds started selling Steaks or KFC offered chicken Tetrazzini. This is exposing my distaste for Big Brewery Beer but some good Lagers and Pilsners are light enough you could call them light beer even though they don’t say so on the label. Like, Yuengling Lager and PBR are pretty light. I’m splitting hairs, the real issue is that age old bumper sticker adage: Life’s too short to drink Shitty beer. Wiser words haven’t been spoken.

  20. SDC says:

    As you know, I would have no material if it weren’t for Jerry.

Speak Your Mind

Tell us what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!