Rum and Egg-blog

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Alright, I’ve got my movie scale.  Each movie will be treated like a person I know, and it will get a gift from me on Christmas morning.  That gift is the movies rating.  For example, National Geographic: Stonehenge Decoded would get a RE-USED TEA BAG (technically it’s good for something, but come on, that sucks), for it’s exceptional use of a narrator with a lisp and its time wasting re-enactments of 4500 year old barbarians forming relationships and shooting wild boar.  It dragged on a tad. 

In the past 5 weeks + I’ve watched more movies, documentaries and stand-up comedy routines than I had in the previous 26 years of my life combined (thats to the day, I might add.  Thanks for that little gift).  I won’t break them all down now, but I’ll do it in parts.  I’m gonna lead with documentaries because they got the most attention.

Who Killed The Electric Car?

Good morning, Merry Christmas!  I’m fine thanks Whokilledtheelectriccar, and you? Open this.  Cool right?  I gave this film that badass $150.00 spy pen from SkyMall. It looks like you’re writing, but you’re recording colour video with sound.  How clandestine.  Not like I’ve checked any sources or anything, but if what this film documents is true, the American people (and more, I’m sure) were robbed of a wonderful product that could have single-handedly made L.A’s air quality feel like Whistler (well, in comparison).  It was well done and enjoyable, despite the curious obsession of the EV club (electric vehicle).  It contributed to my hate of oil companies.  Oil companies are awful, awful, stomach sickeningly evil places at the top (the people raping making the money) with one thing in mind (these new “green” campaigns are the worst. For what it costs them to run an off-shore drill for a day, they spend a quarter of that figure a year on their new eco programs).  I caution myself against being too polar on any one issue, but to take any stance other than this one is indefensible.  Ahem, anyway.  It was good.  Here’s your super-sweet pen.

Who the #$%@ is Jackson Pollock?

He’s a famous artist, you crazy hillbilly.  To this documentary, I give a Female Sideline Reporter.  I give this gift because I didn’t believe a word the lady was saying, and I thought anything she did say that made sense came from someone else.  She has had zero experience in Art, and that made it tough to take her seriously.    In this documentary, an older female truck driver buys her friend a painting from a junk store for $5.00.  When she’s selling it at a yard sale, someone points out it might be a Pollock.  It has no signature, and the films journey is this lady arguing with the art community that it is.  She hires a CSI type guy to help her figure it out.  Her, CSI guy and an ex-con out of prison (on parole for art fraud) try to convince the art community that its legitimate.  If it is, its worth between 35 and 50 million.  CSI guy does a wonderful job of semi-proving that it is a Pollock but nobody buys it.  Dead-broke-living-in-a-trailer-and-raiding-dumpsters lady gets offers of 2, and later 9 million from a Saudi to buy it, but refuses on principle.  The principle being that she’s retarded.  I say save yourself the time.  And I hope she enjoys her gift.

Where is Jimmy Hoffa?

Spoiler Alert: “We’re pretty sure he was trash compacted”.  Ha, I loved that.  This film served its purpose for me: I had no idea who Jimmy Hoffa was or what he did (I suspected Mob ties), and I wanted to find out (there were Mob ties).  He wasn’t actually in the Mob though, who knew?   –Everyone over 40 just shrugged and went “I thought everybody”. –   It’s a good documentary, though not high in entertainment value.  The bulk of the entertainment value lies in the interviews with 75 year old Italian men who don’t seem to ”know nuttin’ bout nuttin’”.  “You were with him the morning Mr. Hoffa disappeared Mr. Notsayingshit, did he make mention of where he might have been going?”.  “Who, Jimmy?  No, we didn’t talk that day.  Or any others.  Ever.  He hired me because he felt more attractive besides an ugly guy.  Lookit this scar.  I’m hideous”.  And that concludes the film.  To this film, I give this gold Rolex that just fell offa that truck.  It works and you’re glad it came around.