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Recommended Ad(justin)ments

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I believe I’m qualified to speak on travel.  My dad coached hockey in a number of states when I was younger, and during the season my brother and I would fly to see him every other month for a good 6-7 years.  Then I played college hockey in Alaska where we would fly ten times a year to the lower 48 states (accruing a scant 150,000 airmiles, enough for a spring break in Mazatlan, one in Panama City Beach, a few New York runs and a couple shipments of girlfriend).  The fine print that they don’t magnify until after you’ve signed the commitment papers is that the flight up there is an hour longer than the one down because of the winds.  Enjoy that after two games, ten beers and a 4 a.m. wake-up call.  In a suit.  And now, playing on the west coast, we fly everywhere we play.

So here’s my question.  What breed of human is it that thinks it’s acceptable to travel in hospital pants and a wife-beater?  Sir, you aren’t setting a good example for your son by wearing matching vegetable embroidered PJ pants for a travel day.  Who made the nation-wide decree that travelling on an airplane is equivalent to being strung out on a torture rack? 

People drive in cars all day.  They sit at their desks.  They go to the mall.  And in none of these instances is the socially lowest form of dress required below blue jeans.  And how long is a travel day?  A two hour flight might equal four hours of airport time, and we’re letting humans get away with entire wardrobes that don’t contain a solitary button.  Men used to wear suits to fly.  Men used to wear three-piece double-breasted suits to play golf in the summer.  I’m not declaring Armageddon because standards are a little more lax, I’m merely pointing out that you can suffer through one to five hours on a plane in jeans and a t-shirt.  Clean it up.

And while I’m offering more sage advice, we need to post some international gym rules.  I don’t mean to re-rack the weights when you’re done with them; I mean that men need to re-rack their fat heads.  The mirror is for checking your form while lifting, not to further the belief that the Gotti haircut was created by God just so the gorgeous Italian male could carry on wooing underage females.  Check your form, give yourself a quick eval, but please don’t flex.  There are few situations where it’s harder to suppress a laugh than watching a guy who thinks nobody is looking do a mini-pec dance for himself.

And guys, lets agree on something.  If we’re both walking down the center of a hallway big enough for two people, let’s pretend we’re cars.  We’ll both get in our lane and sail on by like happy buddy ol’ pals.  If I take my lane and get clipped by one more guy pretending he can’t pull in his arms because of his huge lats, I’m calling my tough friends in their leather jackets and declaring one of those snap-fights from The Outsiders on your gang.

Sometimes the weights are really heavy, and you have to exhale loudly.  Or grunt a bit.  Sometimes if you give a little “ungh” it can help you get that last rep out.  But much like girls in porn, you don’t need to make that ridiculous sound every time you do something.  I guess if I poured my tips as a bouncer into GNC for supplements to inflate my chest, I’d want people to notice too.  But believe me, we do.  I don’t like using my string bean arms to do bicep curls with weights from the Pilates class as is, let alone when I’m beside Johnny Bravo.

 

The problem is that the gym has become a meat market dating scene for meats that should be in the market for counseling.  Lulu Lemon has only propagated this sickness by spray painting girls lower-halves and declaring “pants!”  It’s a gift and a curse.  The gift is obvious, but the price for this is that girls who don’t want uncomfortable male attention at the gym get it, like it or not.  Arena’s are to pucks like Gold’s Gym is to eye-rape.  Find one, you’ll find the other.  What most of these guys don’t seem to realize is that the majority of women think they’re acting like clowns too.  Stooges even.  If only I could find an appropriate picture to summarize my exact point…..

 

Comments

6 Responses to “Recommended Ad(justin)ments”
  1. jtbourne says:

    Of worthy note: The idea of writing about people at the gym came from the smartest coolest person ever, Josh Ciocco. Consider yourself officially “shouted out”.
    – JB

  2. So are we talking about those famous Guido Guys from YouTube here? The kinda guys that go into clubs with the Sonic the Hedgehog haircut and do a lot of finger-point and roof-raising? LOL

  3. Neil C says:

    As a professional athlete, you are one of the very few people in that room whose reason for being there isn’t vanity. Maybe it’s just for health, but eating right and getting daily exercise aren’t the sorts of things that fill out an extra large silk shirt with silver skulls and flames embroidered on the chest. Kinda revealing that even in sports where arm strength is important, athletes rarely go out of their way to develop muscle mass beyond a certain point. It makes me think that maybe when it comes to strength and muscle development there is a point of diminishing return that Carrot Top hit about 9 years ago (please correct me if I’m wrong Bourne because I really have no idea). Not to mention that Johnny Bravo couldn’t jog for an hour if his life depended on it….

  4. margarita says:

    That was very funny, a little harsh, but nonetheless funny.I do however, have to disagree with your view on the lax dress code on airplanes. I refuse to sit in the middle seat of a cramped row, between two strangers( one of whom is a smelly large man and the other a screaming child) in jeans. No can do. I will proudly wear my baggy moose covered pajama pants and hoodie. Because if i don’t, the next time I’m on that cramped sardine can and the man in front of me reclines his chair so that I’m stuck staring at a strange mole in the middle of the hair clearing on his head, i wont freak out and kill him with a spork.

  5. Lizzie says:

    Oh man, I’m stumbling onto this post a week or so late, but yes, I have been baffled by people wearing pajamas on airplanes for years. It’s so weird to me to see people wearing things that they (probably, most of them) wouldn’t otherwise wear outside their house. I’m certainly not saying I think people should dress up to fly; I just wear, you know, the same clothes I wore/plan to wear the rest of that day.

    With all due respect to Ms. Margarita above, this is not directed at you, just to the population in general: if your jeans are too uncomfortable to sit in – I mean, you’re just sitting on an airplane – maybe you should buy better-fitting jeans!

  6. jtbourne says:

    Thaaaaank you. I can sit for a few hours in my jeans too!

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