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Reading The Break



Golfers love their bad jokes.  Putts left short inevitably bring about the “putter in the purse strings” barb, and duffers rush to be the first to say “one” after the ball falls off somebody’s tee.  A good break may even call for a classic: ”The sun even shines on a dog’s ass somedays”.  Well arf arf  Brendan Jones.

Brendan won the insta-fame lottery when Tiger Woods decided to make his return to golf at this years Accenture World Match Play event.  Now, I shouldn’t call Brendan names; in fact, he’s racked up 8 victories on the Japanese Tour.  But, being the dead last player to qualify (64th), means he’s earned the right to have Tigers Nike swooshes rammed where the sun happened to be shining on this particular day.

Brendan is from a town so obscure in Australia there’s still people who think they’re criminals in exile.  But this week, his Mom is doing phone-in-interviews, and Brendan is the man of the moment.  And like he should, he’s making it count.  He’s had some wonderful quotes since embracing his 15 minutes.  After stopping for pictures for a number of different media outlets, Brendan headed to the podium to give a little press conference.

When asked if he’s had any tips from two Australians who have eliminated Woods from this event in the past (Peter O’Malley and Nick O’Hern), Jones replied “No, I haven’t, but I’ve gotten some advice from Stephen Ames.”  Last year Ames apparently had the lobotomy required to challenge Tigers driving accuracy in the media before their match, before promptly losing 9 and 8.  For the record, if I, my mother, or my Aunts Shih-tsu were to play Tiger, the very worst he could beat us is 10 and 8.  Self deprecating humour from athletes gets me every time.

After making the mandatory Tonya Harding-esque jokes about thwacking Tigers knee if he starts losing and humbly accepting defeat beforehand, he mentioned that, of course, he doesn’t plan on rolling over on the first tee. 

Which leaves me thinking.  What an opportunity.  What a win-win.  If he loses, it was expected, plus he had front row seats to the comeback of the greatest player of my generation, most likely the greatest of any generation.  With that safety net, he has the opportunity to beat Tiger Woods in a nationally televised match, which is about as likely as beating an actual tiger in a nationally televised cage match.  But it’s an opportunity nonetheless.  And you never know.  Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile.


PS.  I wanted to name this bit “Spumoni” in reference the Will Ferrel’s safe word from Semi-Pro when he fights the live bear, but I thought the reference was too obscure.  Regardless, I think Jones should work out a safe-word in case Tiger comes out playing like his old self.  I suggest “Gillooly”.


2 Responses to “Reading The Break”
  1. niclake13 says:

    The only safe word I think Tiger Woods will hear uttered from Jones all day might be “mulligan”…


  2. Neil C. says:

    “That’s it Jackie, you’re gone!”
    “FOR WHAT!?!?!”
    “You told me to S your C!”
    “I barely even raised my voice!”

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