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Banana Bread, Jay Mariotti, and a Bullet From Mark Rypien

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If you haven’t headed over to Puck Daddy yet to read my first column of season, you can do so here: It’s called At Contract Time, Players Roll Dice on Hockey Future.

*****

So, here’s a weird thing that regularly happens in my relationship with Bri, due to the fact that our parents are quite literally best friends:

Bri is all stoked to make banana bread.  I’m excited about it too, but my Mom makes banana bread so badass it’s tough to compete with.  And yum-face-faking to Bri that “mmm, that was just as good” was going to be hard.

She fires it up, lets it cool, butters up a slab for me, and goddamn if it isn’t just as good.  In fact…. it’s….. the same.  Bri, of course, got the recipe from her Mom, who (in whatever “who had it first” order), got it from my Mom.  It was the same bread I grew up on.  NOM.  This stuff happens all the time, it’s bizarre.

That’s my Mom on the right, hers on the left, Clark in the background.  And, um, my Mom’s kitchen everywhere else.  And peach pies being made.  And me reaching for Clark’s wine glass to refill it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*****

Never been the most compassionate man.

I have a theory: MSM extrordinaire and recent girlfriend-beater Jay Mariotti has been fired from just about every job he ever had.  In fact, I’m pretty sure they retroactively found a way to fire him from jobs he quit as a teenager.  Dude doesn’t seem to have an employed scrap left after the arrest.

He was always at the forefront of the dismissive ”basement-dwelling blogger” haters.  And now he has no outlet for his voice to be heard.  The only obvious option:

Start a blog, fucker.  People will read it, you can state your side of the story, you’ll get readers (as most controversial-but-coherent blowhards tend to do), and you’ll provide yourself the opportunity to write while time heals a few wounds.  That is, of course, unless you re-open those wounds by continuing to be a bar-dwelling lurker with a bad temper.

Point is, I’d love to see him have to resort to a medium he trashed to make his car payments.

*****

Miss Arizona made her return to the apartment above us last night (had been gone for months “working”), and already, I had to march upstairs and ask her to turn her thumping music down.  I really thought living near a beauty queen was going to be a better situation.

*****

Here’s a fun nugget:

So, we’re at the Clark Gillies Charity Classic two years ago, and one of the guests is a Superbowl Champion quarterback from the Washington Redskins, Mark Rypien.

Zzzzzzziiing!

Rypien’s an awesome guy.  Incidentally, he’s a huge hockey fan, and Rick Rypien of the Canucks is his…. nephew I think?  Mark might even come to our Fantasy Camp next year (wait’ll you see the size of this guy), but that’s neither here nor there.  Moving on.

He donates some signed paraphenalia for a charity auction of ours, so when a Rypien autographed football came up at Clark’s event, my Dad bought it for like a thousand bucks or something as a thank you.  Hey, it’s all for charity, right?

Anyway, it’s a fancy event.  After the golf the guys chuck on collars and slacks (some go with suits), ladies are in dresses, the tables are all white linen’ed out, the whole deal.  Also, everyone is a bit sloppy from the days festivities.

Seeing my Dad had won the bid, Rypien goes up front to give the ball to my Dad in style.  “Run a route!”, he says.

My Dad pops up from his table, weaves between a table or two and Rypien throws him a bullet.  I mean, a bullet.

It goes right through my Dad’s hands at just under the speed of sound, and heads square for a table that about seven ladies had gathered at for a chat.  And they’re all drinking big ‘ol goblets of red wine. 

If it was bowling for wine glasses, Ryp threw a strike.  There wasn’t a glass left standing, there wasn’t a dress left clean at the table. 

Also, there wasn’t a lady at the table who didn’t want to kill my father.  A few of them went straight home.

Oopsie.

*****

And last, I find the whole “Lou Holtz on ESPN” thing weird.  The man is at the point where he’s too old to be coherent, isn’t he?  He seems lovable and all, but boy… it’s getting hard to understand him.

Happy humpday, see you again tomorrow!

Comments

23 Responses to “Banana Bread, Jay Mariotti, and a Bullet From Mark Rypien”
  1. StoneDevil says:

    RE: Banana Bread – speaking from experience, when a recipe gets handed down to you there’s always that possibility it’s not going to be quite as good. Especially when Mom tells you it’ll smell done when it’s ready… So cheers to Bri for successfully recreating the bread

    That football story is hilarious, any red wine drinker who hasn’t ended up with a glass on them is doing something wrong

  2. ms.conduct says:

    You’re gonna make my mouth water about this banana bread and not offer up the recipe? I mean, I know it’s not a cooking blog, but you can put it in the comments, right?

  3. Karen From Rochester says:

    It’s good Bri can re-create your favorite baked goods from your childhood. When I got married, when my husband asked me to bake him a pie (me, who always used frozen pies!). I knew I was never gonna match up to his mom or grandma and told him if he wanted a home baked pie, he was going to have to go home for it! I haven’t made one yet! : O )

  4. crushasaurus says:

    My parents are always good for telling it like it is on American sportscasting. Because I’m used to it I don’t really notice it any more, but my Dad immediately noticed and labelled Lou Holtz as a “senile old dog who probably shits his pants four times a programme”.

  5. kingofkenya says:

    Dude, I first-time commented just to second the fact that I want a bangin’ banana bread recipe. Seriously, my girlfriend’s isn’t up to mom-par. Any help would be sweet.

  6. crushasaurus says:

    Oh, and as for baked goods, I’m currently dating the daughter of a respected amateur baker. Chuh-CHING.

  7. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Justin and Bri – your moms are adorable. I still say Marcel the Shell with Shoes…not so much.

    It was hard to understand Holtz 15 years ago. Subtitles may be required now.

  8. Oarboar says:

    Heh. My brother-in-law intercepted Rypien twice when they played in the same high school league. I have to say he doesn’t like Rypien, so I just forwarded a link to him to remind him that Rypien still doesn’t know when or where or how to throw a pass.

  9. Four to Five says:

    Nice Puck Daddy article!

    Oh man banana bread is so good :) if there is chocolate in it…

    I hate Jay Mariotti… When he worked for the Chicago Sun Times the only sports section I would read was the Chicago Tribune’s sports section… Although seeing a blog by Mariotti would indeed be interesting to read, that’s for sure.

  10. Danimal says:

    i always feel like i need to wipe my face off after watching Holtz on ESPN. somone get the man a napkin to wipe the spit n slobber off his mouth! criminy!

  11. jtbourne says:

    My question is, where’s the feedback coming from that’s making ESPN think Holtz is still the best candidate for that job? I mean, I’m sure he’s a football genius and all, but this is becoming like Jeter in NY – hard to watch.

  12. Danimal says:

    JT-re: Holtz and ESPN keeping him on……ever heard of the Mason-Dixon line? ;-) I believe it basically starts at Chicago now. umm, look south from there. :-)

  13. Sherry says:

    Geez, finally got to read the PD piece (school has started for the 5th grader and well, life is different now…). You gotta stop beating yourself up for your decisions Justin (I know, part of it is for comedic effect – and it works). You carefully considered the options and made your best choice – who where you to know that the Hockey Gods and the Wiritng Gods would have other plans?

    Good kick-off piece for your second career!

    P.S. Your moms are pretty darn cute and I love that you are reaching in shot in order to fill up a wine glass. A really nice scene.

  14. Sherry says:

    Crap. A stupid typo on the word Writing? C’mon!

  15. jtbourne says:

    kingofkenya – Dude. You’re the KING OF KENYA. You can’t get a good banana bread recipe? Times are tough for the empire, huh? Okay, I promise to ask my fiancee to unlock the vault, and I’ll chuck it in a comment or future post or something. Maybe even your email. Hint: there’s mushed up banana’s in it.

  16. jtbourne says:

    Oarboar – Hah, nice. I really like Rypien, loud, big, and funny. Well placed pass, but with a bit too much jam to a drunk non-football guy.

  17. jtbourne says:

    Sherry – it just provides some context, I have zero regrets. Love my life here in Phoenix!

  18. Nathan says:

    Your moms look alike to me, not a tonne, but enough to make this comment. I wouldn’t be surprised if they turned out to be sisters.

    That Rypien story is awesome!

  19. KForbes says:

    Dan Ellis has apparently packed up his ball and gone home, according to twitter.

    Unless this is one of those really lame “I’m leaving” fake-outs and then he’ll come back “because of overwhelming support”. I hope not…seems kinda 14-year-old girlish.

  20. Dawn says:

    Oh, OW! on the Rypien story. But not your dad’s fault…. Maybe not Mark’s either, as that ol’ muscle memory just took over. Hope he offered cleaning bills and autographed stuff to the ladies….
    So glad you are happy in your present life. You are a natural writer ( or wirter, and that sounds like it might be fun…!?) and Phoenix is great, heat notwithstanding, ( and that’ll be calming down soon) so live it up!

    And wtf else was Sid supposed to say, at PNC Park?

  21. Sherry says:

    That’s my mom (Dawn) – so darn proud of her! :)

    I have to admit – I saw that Sid was downgraded (or was that upgraded on the shame-o-meter) this AM, and I (mentally) rolled my eyes. Geez Justin, couldn’t you have at least deducted half a point less just because he took it *downtown* in such sterling fashion (and over the Clemente Wall no less!)?

  22. Dawn says:

    We’re gangin’ up on you, and I don’t feel bad about it.
    And get ready for those cliche` moments, JT, because Sid will never be an Ellis, and it’s a looooong season.
    I know he’s not a scintillating interviewee, but we just love ‘im for all that other stuff….

    And please publish the b-bread recipe .Please! Blood sugar be damned!

  23. Deirdre says:

    Mmmmm, nothing like good banana bread. Luckily neither my mom, nor his, is a huge baker…so I get all sorts of wins that way! I’m with Nathan though, your Moms could definitely be related! The adorable grins are definitely a big part of that :-)

    In the in-house survey on drunken pass throwing my hubby blames your dad for not catching it – I think Ryp should have known better, but will give it to ‘em cuz of the levels of alky-haul. Besides I bet every one of those ladies are *still* telling that story. Definitely worth the price of dry cleaning.

    Sad about Ms. Arizona though…maybe look into some of those sound absorbing ceiling panels!

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