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Post-Thanks Thinking

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So, the Mrs. rocked thanksgiving.  I accomplished the elusive six pound day – by “six pound day”, I mean that from breakfast to bedtime (according to our fancy new scale), I stuffed six solid pounds of delicious animal flesh and casseroles into my being.  Puke.

Since I’m already a Canadian cliche (career based on hockey), and spent yesterday being the American cliche (football, beer, general gluttony), today I thought I’d be a media cliche – here’s a list of (hockey writing-related) things I’m thankful for:

I got the magic fist

I got, the magic fist

Patrick Kane reeeeaally wanting his change. 

That was a fun story for everyone. 

You know those high-school movies, where they really exagerate the roles?  Nerd, jock, hot/mean-girls etc?  Doesn’t Patrick Kane remind you of one of the mean girls that makes everyone else feel bad?  I really get the vibe that he makes little sounds and gestures that make people feel bad without him ever using words.  Like “pssshh” or “cch” or just a f**king smirk.  Smug little bastard.

High Definition TV

Periodically, games on the Center Ice package aren’t in high-def, but I feel the need to check them out anyway.  It makes my eyes bleed.  Thank you, advancing technology.

"God hit 'enter' too many times between my nose and mouth, no?"

"God hit 'enter' too many times between my nose and mouth, no?"

Recently discovering how ugly Pascal Leclaire is

I’m really excited to have a new punchline.  I’ve been beating up the WNBA now for about ten months now, but really, he looks worse than they play.  Okay, that’s not fair to the WNBA.  He looks as bad as they play.  ….And they play BAD.

My commentors

That one is serious – it’s tough to read most hockey forums without trying to find a way to digitally punch someone.  Most people keep it pretty smart down there, have some great insights, and are consistently more funny than me.  We’re like a little family over here – don’t be afraid to chime in. 

On that topic, I have the power to completely edit anyone’s comment.  It’s hilariously unfair.  I’m dying for somebody to write something overtly ridiculous and hateful so I can edit their entire comment to say how awesome I am and how much they enjoy my awesomeness and they look forward to reading more awesomeocity from me.  That’ll be awesome.

Finally, the chance to play with Richard Park!

Finally, the chance to play with Richard Park!

John Tavares

God, it was agony watching an Andy Hilbert - AnyoneElse two-on-one last year.  One of those “I’m an Islander fan” years, where I’d be watching Columbus/Atlanta on another channel while their game would be on.  Thanks for finishing 30th last year, boys, you’ve made this year infinitely better.

 Ken Juba

He's lifetime-undefeated at this game. Legendary.

He's lifetime-undefeated at this game. Legendary.

 

My mom’s brother (and thus, my Uncle), was a sportswriter/editor for the Star Phoenix, the major Saskatoon newspaper for years.  I’m saving the whole explanation of what he’s done for me for another day, just know this – he edits every column I write, he works with media for a living (so his advice is money), and he makes sure I don’t do stuff like write about how disappointed I am in John Buccigross for not plugging a link to my blog anywhere in exchange for passing on the Brendan Burke story like he said he would.  See, if he edited my blog, that sentence wouldn’t be there.

NHL on the fly

Living in the US, it’s the life-blood of the hockey fan.  Now, if we could just get Kevin Weeks/Gary Green/Dennis Potvin/Dave Reid to un-suck, the show would be killer.  I KEEP MY RATES LOW, JUST READ THE RIGHT SIDEBAR.

But Leclaire's the ugly one, right Bourne?

But Leclaire's the ugly one, right Bourne?

Ovechkin

Anytime one player is that much better than the best players in a league, it’s confusing to watch.  Is Crosby’s shot soft?  Is Malkin slow?  Why is Datsyuk so lazy?  This guy throws the scale all off.

Boobs

Thought I’d clarify the gay thing.  Big fan of boobs over here.

*****

Forgot to put this up before: The Toronto Sun issues a “clarification” here.  ….Thanks guys.  The apology for misrepresenting who I am made it into a phone call as well.

Comments

47 Responses to “Post-Thanks Thinking”
  1. Char says:

    Or as Valerine Perrine called them, “mammary glands.” ;-)

    And please, Pascal Leclaire is downright pretty compared to Scott Hartnell, who’s a perfect example of a guy who looks the same way he plays.

  2. PVeltkamp says:

    Loved todays blog. Every once in a while the completely random humorous blog just fits. Patrick Kane pic is great and gotta say Boobs are great.
    PS – Hope your team is ready in the fantasy league in two weeks, here come the Goal Line Trippers!!!

  3. jtbourne says:

    Nice… you’ll be just in time to stumble into a healthy Hossa, Goligoski (maybe a Kronwall?)… Start thinking of a good bet!

  4. marshall22 says:

    Rob Brind’amour takes the ugliest player in the NHL hands down. Just one more thing you can make fun of about Carolina

  5. Madeleine says:

    Thanks for the laughs!

    I’m thankful for the Leafs, they give me something to pray for.

  6. Sally says:

    Oo! I love the Ugliest Player game! Have to make sure Tyler Kennedy makes it on to your list.

    Happy Thanksgiving, Justin!

  7. Dan n St Paul says:

    Ricci looks like he should be in Rush.

  8. Cassie says:

    In my mind, Patrick Kane = frat boy. The smug thing is right on. You just want to smack that smirk off of his face that he’s got in every single picture. Sadly, I sort of see Tavares heading in that same direction – and in a Tom Cruise kind of way.

    Oh, and I can tell you that gay men love boobs, too. Not that I believe for one minute that you’re gay, but it’s true. They don’t love them in quite the same way as straight men do, but they’re also not afraid to reach out in public to see how they feel, either. They appreciate that toy aspect to them as well.

    So the boobs argument doesn’t quite work to prove that you’re straight. Sorry. Try going with saying something along the lines that you think athletic socks go with any outfit – no matter how formal.

  9. jtbourne says:

    Its a constant source of tension in my house – Bri insists any length of sock longer than “ankle” is unacceptable to work out in. It’s WORKING OUT for flips sake. Who am I trying to impress?

  10. Sherry says:

    Justin – pull yourself up by your too-long socks, stop being a little girl, and email Bucc to remind him he owes you a blog plug…

  11. jtbourne says:

    Haha, thanks… I did. Sent it last night, and so far, this is the response I got, verbatim:

  12. q says:

    You’re so awesome, and I enjoy your awesomeness and I look forward to reading more awesomeocity from you in the near future.

    [ACTUAL COMMENT: who cares if people think you're gay. douche.]

    Like I said. I’m thankful for my readers. JB

  13. ann says:

    I’m thankful for my new favorite word: awesomeocity. And this blog.

    There’s a reason Leclaire plays a position that requires a mask… ;-) And Harnell needs to cut that mop – it’s just ridiculous.

  14. Aces Arbitrage says:

    Just saw your tweet on the side bar about “Sieve” and “Colander”. Here is a site with pictures of real sieves, although I have worked with ones large enough for 6″ or less objects to pass. http://www.affordablesieves.com/air_jet_sieves.htm I also thought the name of this website would be funny if they posted pictures crappy goalies.

  15. jtbourne says:

    Totally blindsided by your knowledge of sieve’s. Consider the tweet retracted. Chris Osgood is now a “AASHTO T-27 gold-embossed wide-mouth sieve.”

  16. Will77 says:

    Hmm, a blog with comments about the looks of other men? That oughta stop the gay comments from flying in lol sorry JT, had to say it.

    Speaking of Kane and Hossa, after seeing Hossa’s first game back last night, its almost unfair to the rest of the league how much skill is on the Blackhawks. They took one of the best teams in the league, and argueably the best home team, and made them look like punks on their own ice. Three straight shorthanders? Seven goals total only because they decided to just sit back and laugh at the Sharks and not make it look even more like a football score? I’m pretty sure every GM in the Western Conference went online and posted up something along the lines of “Today, Marian Hossa started playing again and did so on a line with Kane and Toews. FML.”

  17. jtbourne says:

    Hah – well done Will. Frequent place? I stay at the Gillies, and hang at either the Huntington Crescent Club, Rosewoods, Champs (in the Marriot by Nassau Coliseum)or the Broadway Pub in Greenlawn. Those are my places!

  18. Sherry says:

    My guess is you’ll see something in one of next week’s columns (with no response prior – he being so innundated with email, etc). If not, one of your loyal followers (me!) will champion your blog cause with him…

  19. Amy Jo says:

    I’d be a bit more thankful if life had a rewind button for really important occasions like me drafting Hossa, sitting on his injury all this time and then freaking forgetting to shove him in the lineup against the Sharks. Fail.

    Speaking of which, you’re not thankful for your fantasy team? No wonder their morale is down. Coach doesn’t show the love. Downward-spiral activate!

  20. Firestorm says:

    Actually, the rest of the BBHL is thankful for Justin’s fantasy league team.

  21. jtbourne says:

    I’m thankful my starting five forwards are finally healthy so the rest of the BBHL can go to hell, where they should have been months ago:
    Datsyuk, Kopitar, Hossa, Stastny, Backes. Thanks.

  22. Neil says:

    I thought we established in the BBHL that your ability to get points wasn’t affecting your ability to lose? (Says the guy in 12th).

  23. jtbourne says:

    Don’t think I haven’t been charting your fall from the top Corbett… (I have a SHP this week… my first of the year. Stoked.)

  24. angus says:

    I just flipped Buccigross an e-mail asking why he didn’t link to your blog. Also, if you ever need fantasy advice, hit me up! I’ve been writing over at DobberHockey for a few years now and seem to have a knack for wining more pools then I lose.

  25. angus says:

    The scary part about the Hawks isn’t necessarily their top trio of Kane, Toews, and Hossa. It also may not even be their insanely mobile defense of Keith (hello, Norris), Seabrook, Campbell, Hjalmarsson, and so on. (Cam Barker is a one-dimensional guy who is insanely overrated).

    It is the fact that they can just pump out line after line with top end talent. Sharp, Brouwer, Ladd, Byfuglien, Versteeg, Bolland (when healthy), are fantastic forwards. Even their fourth liners (Eager, Burish, Kopecky), are skilled. Madden was a fantastic signing as well – they were missing the kick in the pants that he provides night after night.

    Will be interesting to see how they handle this off-season. Bury Huet in minors? Trade some players? Who knows.

  26. Jake says:

    Remember about a month ago when the Yankees won the World Series? That was awesome. Blaster anyone?
    jl

  27. Neil says:

    I think the Madden signing went way under the radar and has hugely helped that team get more consistent defensively. His departure was one reason I horribly underrated how good the Devils would be this year.

  28. Officer Koharski says:

    Man that is Cheese that Buccigross didn’t throw a link in there anywhere. I was watching the segment on TSN (online) and I was distracted when I heard Brendan Burke dropped your name, that was pretty cool of him. It’s cool to think that you came up with a story one day and it snowballed to national television. You actually made a difference, dude, your story started a chain of events that made it a topic of discussion on a huge scale.

    YEAHNOBIGDEAL

  29. Officer Koharski says:

    Also! I must agree with the person who suggested Tyler ‘Ratface’ Kennedy for being annoyingly ugly. His ridiculous nose could only be described as infuriating.

  30. angus says:

    Tyler “fruit bat” Kennedy, actually.

  31. Sherry says:

    Aw, lay off Kennedy – he’s actually got realy cute dimples when he smiles.

  32. Al says:

    The way Ovi plays makes him a thing of beauty!!!!

  33. NY says:

    an apology needed for being thought of as gay?

    …the irony of this whole silly blog.

    “Thought I’d clarify the gay thing. Big fan of boobs over here.”

    Grow up….douche.

  34. Amy Jo says:

    Hey NY,

    Apparently you’re new here but Justin attempts (and even succeeds sometimes) at using humor. I know having a stick up your ass makes it hard for you to laugh, so I get why you’re apparently angry at life. JB doesn’t claim to be the most PC dude in the world. I’m pretty sure if you had major media reporting and had girly parts, you’d make an attempt at clearing that up for for not only yourself but your chick. If you think it’s a silly blog, you don’t need to read it. Go get some higher level thinking skills, come back and try again and you’ll probably see the humor.

    Come back and visit soon! xoxo

  35. jtbourne says:

    Thanks, Amy Jo… I’m at a bar (weird), and might address that later!

  36. Madeleine says:

    NY:

    I don’t think Justin was offended by the gay part, just the part about it not being true. If you make up something about someone, you should apologize.

  37. Josh says:

    You were right, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have questioned your motives. You wrote about an issue that should be addressed in professional sport in North America.

    After reading Brenden’s story, I got it through my relatively thick and alcohol-soaked skull that it was no different when a fraternity brother in a not-so-blunt-as-Brenden admitted the same thing to us. We cut out the gay slurs, with some pain and the occasional unfortunate comment, I might add.

    This all said… I think the NHL will easily be the first pro league to have a player out of the closet. I think the difficulty won’t come from his teammates, but from fans and opposing teams.

    Don’t get me wrong… You still played for Alaska-Anchorage, though. Did Fairbanks or Northern Michigan not offer you a scholarship? ;)

  38. Jbrown says:

    Congrats on your first hater!

  39. Jbrown says:

    (Well, not including the readership of USA Today)

  40. jtbourne says:

    Haha, daggers, Josh. I’d like to take this opportunity to say one thing (that’s gonna cost me a crushing 30 views a day…)

    F**k the U of Fairbanks Nanooks. -Bourne

  41. Cost you 30 views a day? That one UAA obsessed ‘nook fan “birdman” visits your blog twice as much a day as he hits mine?

    Josh:
    UNH? 5 wins in 14 games so far this year.
    UAA? 6 wins in 16 games so far this year.

    Record versus Common Opponents (RPI and Wisconsin)?
    UNH 0-3
    UAA 1-2

    Wins against top five ranked opponents?
    UNH – 0
    UAA -3

    # of games against top five ranked opponents?
    UNH – 3
    UAA – 6

    Cummulative scores versus Wisconsin this year?
    UNH – 2 – 10
    UAA – 3 – 13

    Miles traveled to away games this season?
    UNH – 14.5
    UAA – 10,500

    Ok I made up UNH’s miles traveled. And those are the only stats I can twist to make the WCHA 8th place team look about the same as the #1 Hockey East team … biased twisting from a University of No Hardware perspective would certainly be possible. But, I’d guess UAA would be 2nd or 3rd in Hockey East so far this season. ;-)

    And oh yeah …
    I liked Gary Green when he used to do NHL games on U.S. TV. No … loved him. Woulda married him. Wanted to have his babies.

  42. NYWNBAfan says:

    Actually a hockey fan, but brought to this blog by the ignorant (and sadly typical diss by a boy) of the WNBA.

    I’m all for humor, but really, considering the ratings of the NHL, why not tease the X-games — especially since Taurasi or Parker would steal your lunch money on the court.

    Go Seawolves — you saw the women’s basketball team upset a D1 team? Awesome.

  43. jtbourne says:

    My lunch money? I should hope so. They’re the “best in the world”. But you’re right – it’d be super-humiliating getting lay-upped on by a 6’7″ woman (sorry, I just. Can’t. Watch it.).

    Sooo… Did you wanna get into a longer ratings chat?

    Unfortunately, I missed the girls team upset a D1 program. We went to games whenever we could though, since we always had a pretty good women’s team. They won their tourney that year!

  44. Neil says:

    NYWNBA Fan — http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5j0wCn4eCFXYja4w2JG_KmtOtRztAD9C6QHI00

    A study that found there are more male fans of both the LPGA and the WNBA than there are female fans. WNBA attendance has decreased consistently since 1998, even in boom years. Female sports fans in the U.S. prefer the NFL, MLB, and the Olympics to the WNBA, and the number (7%) of women who identified themselves as “loyal” WNBA fans was matched by female fans of monster trucks.

    The WNBA is as popular with women in the U.S. as monster trucks, and female sports fans overwhelmingly prefer to watch something else. What’s so sad or ignorant about being a man and feeling the same way? The “mean boys” argument ignores the female sports fans who don’t give a sh^t either.

  45. Pete says:

    tyler kennedy = rep. henry a. waxman. google it.

  46. SDC says:

    I think you’ve made it as a blogger when you develop loyalist readers who chime in against the haters and defend you before you get a chance to respond.

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