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(Olympic Hockey) LIVE BLOG, Tiger Woods Press Conference

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LIVE BLOG starts a few paragraphs below, skip on down if you don’t care about my thoughts on Olympic hockey.  I don’t blame you if you don’t.  I barely do.

*****

Resuming a debate from yesterday:  If you were a GM building a team, would you rather have Rick Nash or Ilya Kovalchuk?  Tough call right?  Nash is a handful out there man, I certainly don’t envy d-men trying to stop him.  I feel like he gets 10 chances to Kovalchuk’s one, but Kovalchuk buries his like he’s hiding a dead body.

*****

So, Canada struggles against the Swiss (who, you would assume, DOMINATE the neutral zone).  I DVR’ed the game and chucked it on again when Bri went to bed to see what I could see. 

I saw Canada looking just fine.  They created a ton of chances, and really, the Swiss didn’t have many of their own (though I would’ve liked to see their first goal, THANKS CNBC for rolling out your newest hockey coverage feature, COMPLETELY ARBITRARY COMMERCIAL BREAKS.  Now seems like a good time, sell the people some detergent.

What that game did do, was make the Canada/US game that much more exciting for me.  The way the tournament format works, those top four spots are crucial, and both teams could still easily grab one.  And while we were floundering against the Swiss (again), it wasn’t like the US was running through Norway (until the end). But then, I know, it’s kinda hard to when you know you can win in autopilot.  Plus, Norway has TORE VIKINGSTAD, so they’ve got that goin’ for them.

But hockey isn’t the big news story of the day.  Tiger is.  And what you don’t need, is some media outlets moralistic view of what Tiger needs to do to make amends for being a slimy scuzzbucket.  What you need is the view of Bourne’s Blog - all the guy is to me is an entertainer, and that’s what he’s going to do again.  So take the stage Tiger, and dance, playboy, dance!

*****

TIGER WOODS LIVE BLOG PRESS CONFERENCE

Alright, first note – if Tiger says he won’t play in the Masters, the live blog immediately ends so I can shatter the nearest glass and eat the shards.

Tiger’s therapy called for a week off, which is why he’s doing the press conference today.  So yeah, it has nothing to do with taking away eyes from the tournament being sponsored by the same people who just dropped him from their sponsorship list.  Seriously.

And the last note before we get underway, is yes, I realize this is lowest common denominator stuff.  But let me have this.  Sometimes it’s fun to live down to the title “blogger”.

"What's this one's name again? ...Think Tiger, think!"

*****

8:35: ESPN has the ghost of Rick Reilly chime in on his thoughts about Tiger.  The guy looks like all that rain in Vancouver actually did soak his skin to a wrinkly, pruny mess.  Sor-ee, Rick.

8:55:  Tiger has serious security detail with him.  There’s three dudes with guns, and Elin with a nine iron.

8:56:  As Justin_Stangel tweeted, the official press conference rules are as follows:  No multiple cameras, no questions and no fat chicks.

8:59:  Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Elin Nordegren? He asked her for some tips on beating Tiger.  (Ahhh, what a gold mine of material.  Thanks Tiggs)

9:00:  Just had this one sent to me:  “The police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. “I can’t remember,” Elin said, “just put me down for a 5.”

9:03:  This feels 100% like an SNL skit.  LIVE FROM NEW YORK, ITS SATURDAY NIGHT!

9:05:  Oh wow, this is actually really sad.

9:06:  Wait, no it isn’t.  Did he just remind us of his charity work?  Holy crap Tiger, you really missed the mark with the “I’m actually still great” hint.

9:08:  Okay, it’s funny again.  Thanks for this one:” Tiger’s other women aren’t mistresses. They’re provisionals.”

9:10:  It wouldn’t have killed the guy to give this a run-through in the mirror once or twice, hey?  Did he get to see the script before they turned the cameras on for his monologue?

9:11:  Why do I feel like I’m being scolded?  Great point by Josh in comments – he should just put a ball down on a tee and swing.  I’d golf clap and forget this speech ever happened.

9:13:  I’m boggled that people can talk this long without making an actual point.

9:14:  Buddhism!  Yes!  What a twist!  Tiger’s a big fan of rubbing belly’s, apparently.

9:15:  HOW DID HE NOT WEAR RED FOR THE BIGGEST MOMENT OF HIS CAREER?

9:16:  Therrreee’s the orchaestrated tears.  I thought we’d see more of those. 

9:18:  Tiger hugs his old college teammate, who knows he’s crying because now he actually only gets one woman for the rest of his life.  Tiger sobs “I’m just too famous to get … sob… away now.”

9:20: No mention of the Masters, but a mention of Buddhism.  I did NOT see that coming.  Aight, I’m out people.  What’d you think?

Comments

19 Responses to “(Olympic Hockey) LIVE BLOG, Tiger Woods Press Conference”
  1. MikeB says:

    This is the worst apology speech ever. He sounds more sorry about money then his cheating…..

  2. Josh Ciocco says:

    youd think for a speech this important he could have done some memorization… this is awful… he needs to golf ASAP so people forget about this speech

  3. Amy Jo says:

    He’s so overcome with remorse that he has forgotten how to be a fluent reader….. or there is a possible “provisional” in the crowd distracting him?

  4. Pete says:

    good call on the poor reading?
    maybe his batteries were running low?

    when will robot tiger fight robot roenick?

  5. ms.conduct says:

    So, I know a guy kinda like this… slick, international (if Canada and US count as international) skirt chaser, and he gets married last year. Why? Why not just be free to pursue your “interests” without dragging some woman and possibly kids down with your greasy ship? And this guy’s wife ain’t coming out the other side a millionaire like Elin is once he gets caught again and she finally unloads his ass.

    All I can figure is that it gets too easy after a while, so adding the challenge and thrill of hiding it all from the spouse and everyone else spices it up again.

    Or maybe it’s peer pressure to “commit” and “settle down” and they just do it to shut everyone up?

    I dunno. Interesting though. Sorry if I played that too serious. :)

  6. jtbourne says:

    No no, totally a fair point. My guess is a combination of factors, sprinkled with some douchebaggery. I find a lot of guys fake being different people then they are to land some hot girl, then end up miserable cause they’re with the girl who looks like what they wanted, but they never get to be themself. Some guys are insecure and want to prove to themselves they’re desirable. And some guys are just idiots, like sex, and could care less what happens long term. You know, like a dog isn’t thinking about getting fat if you leave treats out… it just wants the treats. And yeah, they get married because they’re “supposed to”…. then they find the bag of treats.

    Also, Im SO DISAPPOINTED I didn’t work “huge….. quickly” into my live blog.

  7. ms.conduct says:

    Pretty sure idiot and douchebag are the operative words. Gonna chalk it up to that or else my head will swim all day.

  8. Mike says:

    “the Swiss (who, you would assume, DOMINATE the neutral zone)”

    Good one Bourne!!

  9. Madeleine says:

    haha, the neutral zone joke kills me

  10. Louie Beans says:

    Note to Tiger Woods: You blew it! Everyone knows you need to shed a few tears to have “them” really believe you! Nice lifeless eyes.

  11. Kerstin says:

    “Aight, I’m out people. What’d you think?”

    *wrote a wordy comment with various aspects… but in the end it all comes up to*

    D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F. ;)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxmUKVrT0iI

  12. Bomski17 says:

    So I’ll play a little devils advocate here. I liked Justins comment about how dudes (this one works both ways though, and I’ll explain) will “inhance” themselves to score the hot chick. For instance, you may have never seen a Kevin Smith movie in your life, but the second that you hear the smokeshow sitting two cubes down from you loves Mallrats, you might take a nice stroll down to Blockbuster to load up on all things Kevin Smith. 5 years later you find yourself married, with kids and a dog, and the only thing you have in common is that you know who directed Dogma, but you can’t seem to find anything else to talk about.

    On the flipside a new female prospect might say on date one or two “I totally love hockey, it’s the best sport ever, the grace, physicality and emotion of it all just makes me want to order NHL Center Ice” This of course after said Phillie catches a glimpse of your hockey bag airing out on the patio.

    Two years later said smokeshow reveals in a rant that covers everything she learned in that month’s Vogue, that she actually hates sports, and hates Hockey with a passion, and that she wants to quit her job and enroll in beauty school.

    Now what do you do? Is that the problem with relationships, everyone trying to impress without really being themselves? You gotta wonder, in Celebrity relationships, how often are these people really speaking with each other? Did Tiger ever revea that he is a raging Sex Addict over Pop Tarts in the breakfast nook?

    PS: What’s over under on the Mike Fisher Carrie Underwood Marriage? Considering one travels the globe on tour, and the other is ripping net for the Ottawa Senators?

  13. Beer:30 says:

    With a name like Tiger how can you expect the guy to be faithful? It’s like naming your daughter Candy and being surprised when she ends up stripping.

  14. Bomski17 says:

    excellent point Beer, excellent point…

  15. Jake says:

    Bourney. I emailed you this link, but I’m not sure if it worked or not so here it is again.

    http://www.ktla.com/videobeta/?watchId=caf993ae-ba10-4dcf-920e-becddddb6aff

    I know you’re gonna love it. It’s so absurd.
    jl

  16. Al says:

    Let Roenick punch him NOW and every time he opens his arrogant mouth!!!

  17. artandhockey says:

    He/she who is without sin shall cast the first stone!

  18. jtbourne says:

    What if he/she isn’t married with kids and didn’t commit 15+ sins? Can I throw something then?

  19. artandhockey says:

    Right now you may! Later who knows? Man is weak!

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