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Mark McGwire is Really Really Muscley



Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids, and I have trouble working up any sort of furor over it.  I’m supposed to feel personally offended, right?

I love people that tell me they stopped watching hockey after the strike, but they still watch baseball.  Which, I might remind you, is a sport that sprinkled a strike in between games featuring players deploying varying levels of unadulterated cheat.

It was a well choreographed admission by Team McGwire though.  Blow it all up on one day (the anti-Tiger method), talk to every news outlet on the planet, address it, then let us get overexposed/numb again and forget.  Also, don’t admit steroids helped your stats, because, they obviously didn’t.


On the upside, baseball fans, you can sleep easy knowing that Sammy Sosa wasn’t using, and if he was, he speaks too little english to give a Bob Costas exclusive.


 I heard Curtis Joseph is announcing his retirement today (from not playing?).  I gotta say, I was a big fan.  One of those goalies that you can’t really explain why you like him, you just do.  I also unabashedly rooted for Kelly Hrudey and Glen Healy, which made it doubly cool when both got hired by HNIC.   

Anyways, good on CuJo, even though it was paiiiinful to watch him try to steal paychecks from teams at the end of his career (or as it will officially be known starting in 2011, “Osgooding” a team).


So, Alex Burrows has scored twice since I started writing this sentence, I think.  Here’s his stat line from his last three games: 9100 G, 0 A, for 9100 PTS.  Okay, it’s just eight goals in three games, but still, you’re impressed.


If you’re feelin’ like reading a good ol’ Bourne column, check out my latest for USA Today!






19 Responses to “Mark McGwire is Really Really Muscley”
  1. HockeyTown says:

    People who tell you that they stop watching hockey after the strike are just trying to get a reaction out of you. They just want to make you feel bad because you play hockey. Don’t give them a reaction. People can be jerks Justin, don’t let them bother you.

  2. Officer Koharski says:

    Yeah mark, it’s the milk. And by milk he means bull shark testosterone injected directly into his nuts. Really makes you feel like a predator, you know? The guy is a disgrace.

    Dion Phaneuf is king douche for planet earth 2010. First he made that punk hit on Okposo and somehow never answered for it. He comes off as a spoiled jock and I want to punch him in the neck. Videos like this don’t help that urge

    I heard from someone who claims to have gone to high school with him, that he was a complete tool when it came to academics. The kind of guy that would write ‘NHL’ on his homework and tell the teachers to fuck off. I usually would be skeptical but he really seems like that kind of guy. Forgive my judgement of some guy I never met but he really seems like an ass.

    Also the nonsense with Burrows claiming the ref fucked him in that game: who cares. He probably deserved it. When the guy cuts out his niche in the league by diving, dirty plays, whining, agitating, and generally manipulating the game through midsconduct, you deserve to have it catch up to you. The refs get played sometimes and they ought to be able to equalize it in their own way. I agree the interference call he got was garbage but that’s what’s going to happen when you conduct yourself that way. If it really was just for the hit he mentioned, that’s lame. But I’m more inclined to believe he got it because he has that reputation as a piece of shit.

  3. Frank says:

    I remember going to a Flames playoff game in 2008 against San Jose where they pulled Kipper 5 minutes into the game after the Sharks had scored 3 goals…..they replaced him with CuJo who had not played in who knows how many games…..and the Flames won the game 4-3. One of the best hockey games I’ve ever seen…..

  4. Char says:

    Remember in “The Big Chill” when Jeff Goldblum says that rationalizations are more important than sex? Sure, steroids didn’t help McGwire. Sure, he took them only to battle injuries, not to improve performance. Uh huh. But hey, the truth is. All the rationalizing in the world doesn’t change anything, but it probably allows McGwire to at least try to live with himself.

  5. ibeentired says:

    I guess the roids took care body/arm hair too. What a bonus!

  6. mikey says:

    hey im a hs hockey player n have never used nething to help me play better but i know kids who do n the more we hear bout big deals like mcgwire usin the more it makes a bunch of hs kids think its ok n that they need to use to compete.

    i laughed at burrows thinkin he got screwed i hate that shit its always the burrows or the matt cooks who dive n play dirty that r always whinin bout not gettin ne calls …. go whine to ur mommy


  7. Rich C. says:

    Best CUJO moment stars/oliers in 97.. Game 7 OT…. I can still hear Gary Thorn “My God What a Save”….

  8. JMP says:

    After the congressional hearing where McGwire didn’t want to talk about the past, I pretty much assumed he was a user, seeing as how non-users tend to be pretty vocal about, you know, NOT using. Plus, who is afraid to talk about how they didn’t cheat?”

    Then again, Rafael Palmeiro seemed confident that he had never used PED’s, B12 shots from Tejada aside…

  9. I used to watch baseball fanatically – knew every player on every team (and their stats)…played the game, watched it, went to it, spent money on it.
    Then came McGuire/Sosa/Clemens/Manny…etc..
    I still love playing but have absolutely no interest in watching these industrially built machines get juiced and act as role models for the kids..2 of my friends have died from steroid abuse (they were younger than 30!)….
    It’s been a long time since I have spent a dime on MLB.

    As for Burrows – don’t forget 16 PIM last night – a fantasy stud (picked him up last month while Sedin was out).


  10. smoboy says:

    Just one more reason why I refuse to take MLB seriously.


  11. jtbourne says:

    Yeah, with the Burrows thing, I’d prefer that refs stay above the fray and ref the game as it happens. And by prefer, I mean I require that of professional officials. I’ll elaborate tomorrow. Probably.

  12. mikey says:

    so did i say somthin wrong?

  13. Neil says:

    I strongly disagree Koharski (shocking, I know). I’ll save it for tomorrow though.

  14. I stopped watching and following baseball after their second strike. The greed of all involved in the first strike in the early 80′s left a bad taste in my mouth. So when the same shit happened again, I walked away and never looked back. Since then I can honestly say that I’ve never watched more than a partial inning during a typical channel surfing frenzy.

    It wasn’t quite the same for me with the NHL. During the first strike I was a typical involved NHL fan. And honestly, it accomplished something for the lowest paid players and that was probably a good thing. But during the 2nd strike, the intransigence of both sides (along with a letter I read from a dying 80 year old Ontario man who’s only satisfaction in life was watching the NHL) completely turned me off.

    It is only in the last couple of years that I have watched a full game here or there. And generally, those instances have just been alternate fixes for my addiction to the game. College Hockey is great. But I suppose if it was a drug it’s Mexican Brown instead of the NHL’s China White … or Acapulco Gold versus B.C. Bud … or Peruvian Pink Flake versus …. ok ok … too many drug metaphors?

    I haven’t watched a full NFL game since the early 90′s. I was an NBA follower until one player’s greed (David Thompson … sleepwalk through first years of contract … blow up the universe during his last year and get a big raise …) finished that for me in about 1980. I followed college basketball closely after that but the influence of big money in that sport has essentially ruined it. Same for college football of course.

    I’m basically down to International events … Olympics, FIFA World Cup, World Jr. Hockey Championships and the like. The more money there is motivating people then the less likely I am to be interested.

  15. ms.conduct says:

    I’ve heard the “Phaneuf started his douchery as a youngster” stuff too from someone who knew him. I say two instances of anecdotal evidence + observation from afar enough to say it’s carve-it-in-stone gospel.

  16. Officer Koharski says:

    Eh, perhaps “they should be able to get even” was a little too strong. They shouldn’t get away with something removed from the situation like Burrows claims, that’s unscrupulous behavior and unbecoming of an official. But a guy like Burrows establishes himself as an annoying pest , he disqualifies himself from ever getting the benefit of the doubt. Whether he actually did anything, the guy went down and he got called, that’s the consequence of playing that way.

    I want to make it clear that I don’t think it’s cool to make calls up out of nowhere or revenge nonsense, it completely ruins the competition of the game. I just think reputation based reaction calls come with the territory when you’re that guy.

  17. Neil says:

    “The more money there is motivating people then the less likely I am to be interested.”

    I think I need this translated into Latin and tattooed on my back, so true.

    I’ve heard nothing but bad things about Dion off the ice too. I’ve actually heard the same thing about Mr. Burrows.

  18. Jbrown says:

    The most damning evidence of Mr Phaneuf’s unlikability off-ice is this:

    Elisha Cuthbert.

    She dated Sean Avery, THE gold standard for assholes everywhere. The reason I know they dated is because Mr Avery elected to tell us all that one time on national TV (which one fell swoop confirmed both their past relationship and reminded aspiring assholes everywhere who is king)

    Now, given my extensive experience in the Friend Zone with beautiful women who date assholes (Hello Jaimie Cass) my observations have led me to conclude that just as a leopard doesn’t change its spots, women who date assholes tend to keep dating assholes.

    Therefore your honor, in concert with the anecdotal evidence presented above, I must conclude without a shadow of a doubt that Dion Phaneuf is indeed an asshole.

  19. minnesotagirl71 says:

    I have to wonder what percentage of MLB players use steroids? Is the public damning the whole lot of them due to a small (but very visible and muscley) percentage?

    JBrown – “just as a leopard doesn’t change its spots, women who date assholes tend to keep dating assholes.” So true! I’ve had friends who consistenly date assholes and then wonder why they get treated like crap. I have a hard time empathizing with them. Women who want to “change” the bad boys are doomed to a life of hurt and disappointment!

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