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Lundqvist as Bond, Slam Dunks as Athletic Feats

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I’m now accepting votes for which sport has the worst highlight package.  Specifically, which sport has the most redundant one.

Fisher-Price style: tha dunk has been slammmmmmed.

Fisher-Price style: tha dunk has been slammmmmmed.

I used to think it was baseball – diving catch, double play, home run.  Home run, diving catch, double play.

But, I mean, basketball…. right?  OH, HE SLAMS A DUNK!  THE DUNK HAS BEEN SLAMMED! 

THAT 6’7″ ATHLETE WITH A 40 INCH VERT AND THREE FOOT ARMS PUT THE BALL RIGHT INTO THAT TEN FOOT HIGH ORANGE CIRCLE!  HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT!  NO, THE WEEK! THAAA DECAAAAADDDDDDDE!

*****

I love me some Billy Guerin, but how will we ever know when he’s done being useful?  I mean, he’s never going to lose that great shot of his, and 3/4ths of the time he’s on the ice with Malkin or Crosby.  He could be effective until he’s a hundred with those linemates, so, that’s like, um, 27 more years of guaranteed effectiveness from the guy.  Not a bad break at the end of your career.

Jeez, I can't believe I was open. They must have been paying attention to MALKIN CROSBY AND GONCHAR.

*****

It’s rare that an analyst will get worse as he gets more comfortable in front of the camera, but then, Kevin Weekes is a true pioneer in the field.

I know I tend to talk about the sports analysts I dislike rather then the ones I do (guys like Ron Mclean, Bob Cole/Harry Neale, Kenny Mayne, Scott Van Pelt, Johnny Miller, Chris Berman/Tom Jackson etc.), but come on.  This guy is trying way too hard.  I’m not sure who he’s trying to pattern himself after, but I have a hunch it’s Don Cherry.  And that’s a sad, sad state of affairs (“Pay attention to this part right here, kids…”)

Describing the Coyotes play just now, he said “they really prevailed tonight”.  God I hate him.  After LaBarbera’s post-shootout win celebration, he went with ”I didn’t know he played the guitar!”  This guy isn’t good for my blood pressure, or the wear and tear on my mute button.

I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis

I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis

*****

So, is Henrik Lundqvist auditioning to be the next Bond in those “You are watching the NHL Network” ads?  Why is he the only human in the NHL selected to do those ads in a suit?  He should be selling cologne, or planning an art heist or something.  Christ Henrik, even Brosnan didn’t take himself that seriously.

 

*****

What are the odds Jason Spezza still plays with action figures alone in his room?  They’re possibly Ninja Turtles, and he’s definitely making sound effects for the imaginary explosions. 

 

*****

 

It’s rarely okay for reporters and commentators to use the nicknames of players, simply because they don’t know them “like that”, so it comes off as sort of desperate.  Dude interviewing Bobby Ryan asks him if he knew he needed to step up in “Getzy’s” absense. 

Whatever that dudes relationship with the Ducks and “Getzy” may be, he only knows surface-Getzy.  He wasn’t there the time he killed a hooker in Vegas, or the time he sent his twin brother on a date for him, or the summer he ate HGHios instead of the “Cheer” ones he eats now.  Use his adult name, sir, this isn’t the locker room.

*****

Happy Wednesness friends.  It’s spend your IKEA/TARGET gift cards day at the Bourne compound.  I’m thrilled.  For those of you who didn’t catch my Hockey News column yesterday (on slightly crazers hockey parents), you can click those crazy coloured letters and your fancy internet machine oughtta take you right to it.

UPDATE: Canda’s Olympic team was named.  I will now commence standing on guard for thee.

Comments

17 Responses to “Lundqvist as Bond, Slam Dunks as Athletic Feats”
  1. Mike says:

    Sometimes I wonder if the NHL is really trying to promote the league. From the crappy commercials, crappy network, bad hosts etc. The outdoor game is a successful promotion. Thats about it.

    Golf is the worst highlight. Golfer is at point A, the hole is at point B. Wonder what happens next?

  2. jtbourne says:

    But at least there are some variables in golf that can make today’s highlight package different from last weeks. They play different courses in different conditions in different countries. A Seagull can carry a ball out over a lake and drop it. A ball can hit the flagstick and riccochet into the bunker. I’d disagree simply because it’s not slam dunk, three pointer, alley-oop, late game three, just like four other games tonight, and six yesterday.

  3. Will77 says:

    I hate the basketball highlight package. The only time a dunk is interesting is when the player has either a) weaved around 3 guys or b) completely humiliates the guy he’s tea-bagging while dunking.

    I hear theres a small movement to have the rim raised a few inches to account for the size of the players

    To the NHL’s credit, some of their commercials are pretty darn good. This years, and especially last years, Winter Classic commercials were pretty sweet. And a lot of their playoff commercials are keepers. Other then that, how seriously can you take the regular season commercials that end in “Only on Versus”? I mean, come on…

  4. Mike says:

    I don’t understand Nascar. Cars driving around a circle for 10 hours. I do like racing. I follow motorcycle racing, but they turn left and right. Its funny to watch a dog chase its tail. But not for 10 hours straight.

  5. Irishska says:

    What happened to the NHL (Possibly Center Ice) Commercials of a few years ago, like the bachelor party that has ordered some Swedish twins as entertainment, and the Sedins show up? The NHL needs to have their PR department look at those or the old ESPN commercials back when they carried the game, they had some good ones.

  6. Alanna says:

    FYI, if you’re refering to the Coyotes shootout win last night, it was Jason LaBarbera in net for the ‘yotes, not Bryzgalov.

  7. Officer Koharski says:

    I maintain that Spezza smokes (or smoked) massive amounts of weed with Ray Emery. It explains so much

  8. Mike says:

    Your right Irishka. Those adds were good. I like the guy who dressed as a goalie for fantasy night with his wife.

    I would smoke pot and play with ninja turtles if I could have Spezza’s talent.

  9. Char says:

    The dancing Sedin twins ad was comedy gold. Starting last spring, the Bruins have been running “bear” ads on their Web site that are just hilarious. Here’s the latest (hope the link works):

    http://bruins.nhl.tv/team/console.jsp?catid=659&id=54601

  10. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Commentators, reporters, coaches, players, bloggers – they all use the players nicknames. I think that as fans we hear/read the nicknames so often we start to think of the players by that name. Do I presume to know the players – no. If I ran into a guy somewhere would I call him by his nickname – hell no. But the brain has made the transition to nickname for a lot of Minnesota hockey and baseball players.

    BTW – Guillaume Latendresse needs a nickname. By the time you yell “Nice hit, Latendresse!” He is on the bench wiping off his visor.

  11. rm says:

    Nice article on Hockey around the Holidays. So, how long until a team recovers from the holidays? My college team just played in a holiday tourney, and they had so much rust, and no intensity (or so it seemed to us in the stands). Out of 120 minutes of hockey, there was only about 10 good minutes where they had sustained pressure and were playing like the top ten team (well according to the people who vote in those polls). Of course they have 0 points to show for these two games. Auugghh. Well, at least I didn’t pay for the tickets… Santa left them for me in my Christmas stocking :) .

    At first, I thought Henrik in a suit was weird, but after seeing the ads many times, there is something kind of sexy about it. Maybe its the eyes and how they seem to stand out, and most likely a XX thing.

    I haven’t been able to warm up to Kevin Weekes, especially on the HNIC post game show. But then again, it is very hard to top Kelly Hrudey and Marc Crawford (i.e. the how I helped ruined Marc Crawford’s coaching career segment..).

    Happy New Year!

  12. Neil says:

    I’m not huge on basketball or football but I enjoy watching the highlights, basketball has Kobe or Lebron draining circus shots or Steve Nash threading needles nobody else saw, football has the silly catches, epic runs, blown tackles, etc. Baseball just confuses me and the “highlight” packages just make it worse. Wow, that ball went clear over the fence, again. That guy threw it to the base before the other guy ran there. A diving catch (at least it involves running). Lots of strike outs in one game. Zzzzzzzzz…..
    One of the greatest articles I read from Rick Reilly was the one where he clocked the amount of time the ball is actually in play in a baseball game, and the result was something around 6 minutes per 3-hour-game…. I can’t believe these guys can play two games in one day with a straight face. Oh, and they’re juicing.

    There’s a great ad kicking around for the San Jose Sharks involving Heatly, Blake, Marleau, and Big Joe working a dummy that is trying to convince the other guys to “pass the puck to Joe more”. The Bruin ads Char is talking about are great too, I love the one about tucking in your jersey, too funny!

  13. Marc says:

    Ninja Turtles are awesome.

  14. StripesGuy says:

    My favorite ads:

    the “(fill in the blank) Would be better…. if it were hockey” ads. The golf and bowling ones where hilarious “Oh, she cannot be pleased with that one.”
    Yeah they are FOX ads, but they were great.

    Bowling one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46WEhQ5ebK0

  15. ms.conduct says:

    Because he’s so handsome and a goalie, and because I’m unfortunately watching more of my hockey via OTF rather than my CI subscription (welcome home, husband who doesn’t like to watching 6 straight hours of hockey every night like I do, not that I’m bitter)… I’ve accepted that I must just embrace the awkwardness of Weekes, The Analyst.

    But seriously, the LaBarbera cele was … well… just as awkward. Don’t be a dork.

    Wait, that’s Weeksie and Babs….

  16. Minisodagirl,
    Hate to disagree with you on one aspect of your comment but on the whole, as a blogger I’ve always tried to stay away from using a nickname (unless it’s a particularly imaginative one that I’ve invented) and in that case, it almost certainly isn’t their locker room nickname. I don’t always agree with everything “Bourno” says but in this case I do. I’d even go a step further and classify it as pretentious unless you’re a media person that is always hanging around in the locker room and the players have given you a nickname.

    Justin,
    I’ve long maintained that if the average sports fan were shown a series of basketball highlights that they couldn’t tell if the game was played two months ago or yesterday. It is almost always the same thing as you correctly note.

  17. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Donald,
    Minisodagirl…would that be a girl who likes those tiny little cans of Coke they sell around the holidays?? Or is that the “particularly imaginative one [nickname] that you’ve invented” for me?

    I don’t think we’re disagreeing. I agree that fans and media should not try to be on a nickname basis with players. They look/sound like they are trying too hard to be one of the cool kids.

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