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Holy Wars

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Thank God the Baltimore Ravens didn’t win the AFC Championship game.  Do you realize what would have happened?  Catastrophe, thats what.  I don’t mean catastrophe in the hyperbolic sense like “ohmygod Renne Zellwegger’s dress at the golden globes was a catastrophe”.  I mean like, tsunami’s and hurricanes would have wiped out Tampa Bay.  Haven’t you thought of this?  It’s God’s two favourite teams.  You can’t make Him choose between his two favourite sons (after Jesus).  I think he would’ve called the game on account of thestadiumdoesn’texistanymore (worse than hail).  If Kurt Warner thanks Jesus one more time I’m gonna be like a one man tsunami all up in his business.  Hi-yah!  I just can’t take it.  And the Ravens have Ray Lewis.  Ray tends to thank God though, and Warner Jesus, so… I’m not exactly a priest/minister/pastor/reverend/father/padre guy, but I think that that final would have pitted Jesus against God, and what a grudge match that would have been!  Talk about “smash-mouth football” hey, Tom Jackson? (Say it again Tom, and see what happens.  Yeah.  Hi-yah! to you too)   And after the game, they could all brush the mud off, have a laugh, and tend to the flock.  And by flock I mean Ray Lewis’ 6 kids with 5 women.  (Hypocrises 5:2 “For he whose team I cheer for most may have great success; spread the word of my name and thy shall be acquitted of all murder charges)

Breaking news from Trisha Takinowa for Canadians:  The NFL is really great.  I know the CFL is a lot of fun.  I like the Roughies and Lions, which means I’m a fan of one quarter of the league.  I like my odds of my team doing well.  But this league has a whole bunch of teams from all sorts of places.  It’s pretty cool.

Dear The Entire United States:  The NHL is really great.  I know you’ve got a lot going on.  And with global warming, you’re pretty much out of places that can have ice (PS. please slow global warming.  And then call China and see if they want to too.  Maybe it’ll be like the bridge thing.  Look, Canada jumped!).  But you can make ice indoors with fancy machines.  I have a selling point, wait:  White guys can be good at it too!  It’s a fast, tough, smart sport (with exceptions) that rewards quick thinking and decision making along with athleticism.  I think that’s where you’re getting things messed up.  I know you like to call a play and have a commercial break.  But it’s pretty exciting to watch if you can figure it out.  Try it on for size again, there’s some Crozvechkin kid that’s supposed to be rrreally fast.

*Post blog afterthought.  Does Kurt Warner really play for the Cardinals? They should move the Vatican and be the Vatican Cardinals, and they wouldn’t even have to sign a new QB.  When God makes final judgement on what play to call next, white smoke comes outta that little chimney over there.Add to Technorati Favorites

Comments

One Response to “Holy Wars”
  1. Neil C says:

    If God exists then I think He wants you to stop spending so much time playing football and buying gold suits, or at least that’s how I read it.

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