Jaws Wired Shut

I’ve been walking around my apartment commenting on things in an English accent.  And with that, I become a blogger…

You see, I’m bored a lot lately. Having ones teeth wired shut pretty much limits your options. If I carry groceries up to my third floor apartment I start breathing like Darth Vader, so needless to say, pull-ups and dips are out.  The perk has been the downtime.  I have time to think for the first time since I realized I was capable of thinking (flashback: my junior hockey coach hurling a bag of navel oranges at an 18 year old kid – navel being a key describing word. Navel, not mandarin – and thinking….”yeah… somethings amiss here”).  Time to think about important things like a title for my blog.  I was torn between “If you are what you eat, I’m smooooth”  and “Hermit the Blog” and to be honest, both made me laugh out loud.  At me.  Yeah… since I’ve been spending an excess amount of time with me, I’ve gained the ability to make me laugh like the joke caught me off guard.  That’s gonna be a real endearing quality in my old age.  So yeah, blog number one: Things I’m excited about. Go.

Here’s where Brianna (my girlfriend, for those of you who don’t know, which I’m sure that you do, because I’m pretty sure people’s first blogs aren’t read by an adoring fan base) ahem, where Brianna expects me to say moving to Boston with her and blahblah blah real things (which of course, I am excited about).  But this is an immediate, short term list of things that are great for me now and in the near future: 

THE KANYE WEST RAP SONG FROM LIKE, EIGHT YEARS AGO “THROUGH THE WIRE”

              Kanye raps with his jaw wired shut after crashing his Lexus and almost killing himself.  The line “I drink a – Boost for breakfast, an Ensure for dizzerrt, somebody orders pancakes, I just sip – the syzzurrrp” manages to keep me feeling in touch with society while I’m busy blending 2,000 calorie smoothies so I don’t end up looking like Nicole Richie tried to go pro as a hockey player.  People are going to be confused when I’m back in the lineup because it’s gonna look like I’m wearing a football jersey. I wear seventeen and I’m almost certain if the 1 is visible on the back you’ll see the 7 on the front or vice versa.  People might actually think I’m dead because all the namebar will read is “‘URN”.

NFL PLAYOFF BETTING

Even though the NFL playoffs kind of looks like how you would have picked the losers bracket to see who the worst team to make the playoffs is (I’m looking at you, Philly) I’m enjoying it.  Largely for this reason:  I’m dominating Bill Simmons. Simmons, the ESPN page 2 writer who has written about (in hilarious fashion) and picked games for so long he’s concocted a “playoff manifesto” on picking the winner is 2 – 6 in playoffs. I, of Canadian heritage and zero experience, am the flip side of his coin at 6 – 2. In no way am I claiming to be better than Simmons at picking games, I’m just saying that if him and I had to pick the winner in NFL playoff games, I would do better…  Allrrriiigght fine, I’m kidding, it’s the only victory I’ve had this month, let me have it.

POTPOURRI

Campbells Soup At Hand. Pourable through gritted teeth, handheld and quick, flavourful and delicious.

Chinese Stress Balls. A $2.80 ebay purchase that has kept me sane. I’ll keep the blog above ball-fondling jokes. Curses, too late.

Sudoku. Nothing like adding to the frustration like realizing there’s two 8’s in that column 35 minutes in.  Super glad I’ve allowed myself to enjoy that little gift from above. 

Shout out to Arizona Green Tea and Documentaries.  Okay! 3 days till the wires come off.  In the next edition, I’ll break down a chunk of the movies/documentaries/stand-up comedy shows I’ve watched and create some sort of thumbs up/thumbs down system that hopefully allows for a more specific rating than a minimum/maximum of 2. The fact that you can only give “Borat” the same amount of thumbs down as “You, Me and Dupree” doesn’t do either movie justice.