Goalies: Love Themselves, Hate Their ParentsShareThis
What did Daddy do, goalies? Come on, sit down. Let’s talk about your issues.
Ms. Conduct, the other huge percentage of goalie-obsessed fans: I know I’m gonna hear from you on this one.
A CONDESCENDING TALK WITH GOALTENDERS
Why. Oh why. Does everybody love goalies?
First, a disclaimer: I don’t not love goalies (double negatives make sense, right?).
Goalies are, um… great. There’s at least a couple I like.
But people frigging love goalies.
They love goalies, despite the fact that tenders frequently admit to being tormented souls - odd people who are openly content with being about as stable as Kathy Bates in “Misery”.
Is it the pretty gear, guys? The fact that the position is utterly devoid of skating? The glory of the glove save?
Haven’t you whack-jobs ever scored a goal? Don’t you have any idea how good that feels?? What did your parents do to you?
It’s mind boggling that anyone plays this position. What the allure?
Even the big boys, every chance they get to have an f-around practice (much more common in college, where players have practices after the season), the guys will take turns chuckin’ the gear on.
There’s no “Wingers Magazine”, but there should be, for one simple reason:
We’re the smart ones.
Are you non-goalies out there aware of how hard a frozen hockey puck is? And I can shoot one 80 miles an hour. Which end of that do you wanna be on?
As a kid, picking a position, we all made what should have been an easy decision. By all logic, every team should have had 20 kids trying to be wingers and two coaches assigning the derelicts to center, defense, and goaltender.
The decision was on par in difficulty with “would like a dead-leg, or a pack of fuzzy peaches?”
Really look at it. Break it down at the higher levels (If you got stuck playing “D” because you got extra ice time playing it as a kid, I bet you openly use the word “stuck”):
Goalie: Spend half the game alone. No chance to be the hero of the moment, only consistency brings accolades. 50% odds of being the goat.
Defenseman: A tenth of the chance of being the game hero. Fire the puck off the glass (the only true sports equivalent of “hitting the broad side of a barn”). Occasionally get “postered” with a puck through your feet. Do all things boring and safe.
Center: Work your GD bag off. Faceoffs matter to coaches (more work). Play below the hash marks in your own zone, acting as the third defenseman (more work). Only player that skates on all 200 feet of the ice (annnd more work).
Winger: You’re a genius. Opportunities for goals and glory. Next to zero defensive responsibility. Rest up in D zone for the next rush. All things fun.
I love when centers or goalies bitch to me throughout the year about the ease of my defensive responsibilities as a winger, like I made them make the poor choice of position.
In the end, tenders, I’m halfway playin’ with ya. No game is complete without at least two your cranially damaged counterparts. But the whole thing really does boggle my thinking machine.
Because still, every way you slice it, fans frigging love the goalie.
In the autograph line:
“Are you the goalie?”
“Are you the goalie?”
“…No kid, I’m the guy who makes good decisions. Next!”