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Friday Free-For-All



So, Steven Seagal: Lawman is a real show, huh?  I’m getting a kick out of TV just mailing it in right now.

I long for natural selection.

I long for natural selection.

They’re like, eff it, people just want to stare at their TV and call other people idiots anyways (whether it’s CNN or MTV), so make “Jersey Shore” a show.  And yes, let’s do more seasons of The City and Hills.  MTV, you’re just so good at sucking, any new suggestions?  Bully Beatdown? Tough Love?  It all sounds great.  Get ‘em made.  People will hate it, then watch anyways.  Why?  Because there’s nothing but crap on any channel, dipshit.”





Readers from earlier this year know I’m a sucker for golf majors.  Like, during The Masters, I have a no-leaving-the-house rule on the weekend. If Tiger somehow botched my weekend with his whole debacle, he’s got bigger problems than a shattered marriage and tarnished public image.  I’m flying to Windemere to finish the job his wife started with that nine-iron.

On another Tiger note – if you’re the girl, are you crazy to let that phone message out, knowing what it’ll do to his wife and family?  Or are you crazy to not accept the money?  Do you have zero obligation to not chuck him under the front wheels of the bus at that point?  I guess bangin’ a married guy sort of eliminates any chance you’re concerned about his wife, huh?


Looking for reviews on Bud Lights “Golden Wheat”.


Okay guys, it’s time to talk. 

Say something about it, I dare you...

Say something about it, I dare you...

Bad news….  Most of us are over the mustache thing. 

Sucks right?  They were such a gold mine of humour for so many years.  But too many people are in on the joke now.  And like mullets, some people still rock them despite our culture’s obvious penchant for verbally abusing the owner, so those people can still be the butt-end of a few cookie-duster barbs.  But for the most part… it’s over.  Someone tell George Parros (and I suggest you do it nicely).

(Sidebar – we all agree he rocks the ‘stache just so he can get somebody to talk shit, and thus give himself more chances to justify his role on the team as a fighter, right?)


So I got thinking, in the wake of Tiger sleeping with more people than Ambien… who are our holy saints now?

Here’s the best of what we got left.  Top three.

Wanna see me comb my hair, really fast?

Wanna see me comb my hair, really fast?

Third Place: Albert Pujols (as Deadspin pointed out)

It’s amazing that his name hasn’t come up in any steroid allegations for two reasons.  One, he’s built like from-ten-years-ago never-that-popular cartoon character Johnny Bravo.  And two, during the steroid era, all he’s done is hit the stuffing out of the ball, every year, consistently and politely, while winning MVP awards.  But it’s baseball, so I’m less inclined to care (Go Mets!).

Second Place: Lebron James

The homie’s still only 25, but for a man with stature like his, the slate is pretty damn sparkly.

First Place: Sid “I’m taking over Tigers ‘most boring athlete’ title” Crosby

If you found out Sid was up to some dirt, you’d be floored, wouldn’t you?  Anything beyond a speeding ticket from the guy and I’d be completely befuddled.  The carefully cultivated image, the boring-but-proper interviews…. he’s Tiger, minus the mystique.  He really does seem straight up bland.  By the way, is he still living at Lemieux’s, does anyone know?  That’s officially well past acceptable if he is.  Hey, wait a second… maybe Brendan Burke will have some support soon!

[*Note - Blog has been up for two hours, and I've already been dominated by two reader suggestions.  Joe Mauer and Peyton Manning should definitely be on that list.  Or a longer one, at worst.]


Frrrrrriiiiiiiiiidddddddaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!  And I’m ready to admit it’s almost Christmas.  And almost my birthday.  And still 70 degrees here.  All of which, you may have noticed, are great things.  So have a wonderful weekend, peeps.  Lookin’ forward to the comments!



5. A Christmas Carol
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
3. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
2. It’s a Wonderful Life
1. Christmas Vacation}


44 Responses to “Friday Free-For-All”
  1. Mike says:

    No “you will put your eye out”? How can you leave off A Christmas Story?

  2. Dan n St Paul says:

    you gotta throw Joe Mauer in there for Sainthoodum. Granted, not much to write about the guy other than being awesome at any sport he has ever played, but thats kinda the point.

  3. jtbourne says:

    A sin that I didn’t include Mauer, you couldn’t be more right. That guy is (seemingly) flawless.

    As for “A Christmas Story”, I knew someone would suggest that. Intentionally left off though. Save for a scene or two, I could do without it!

  4. ms.conduct says:

    Bud Light Wheat is like Blue Moon with half the flavor but also some significantly reduced fraction of the calories. It’s not bad if you like a wheat beer but drink a shitload of the stuff and a) don’t want to get drunk so fast and b) don’t want so many calories.

    Personally, I just don’t get out and drink a bunch frequently enough to make the sacrifice but if I did, it’d be right up there for me.

    Granted, I tried like 3 sips of after having had about 3 Blue Moons, so a) I was kinda drunk and b) I was kinda drunk. So, take this review for what it’s worth.

    How can you not have A Christmas Story not only ON your list but 5x on your list because it’s the only Christmas movie there is? “Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie!”

    It really does seem like we’d hear about it if Crosby was getting laid, like by anyone female or male, right? Pics with a girl out on the town, something. Anything. Mainly because it seems so odd. He’s just a hockey machine. Pretty sure they just power him down and stick him in a closet at night. Oh wait. Closet…

    I spend all summer in awe of what crap TV people were stuck with while I was watching Center Ice. I don’t know how non-hockey people do it. I’d take up reading or something. (No I wouldn’t. I’d totally watch more Housewives of Wherever.)

  5. jtbourne says:

    Ms. C – I don’t dislike A Christmas Story, but… hold on. I totally don’t like it, not sure why I feel obligated to. That’s a hell of a list I compiled there, come on now.

    And yeah, the Crosby thing is nuts… Single, rich, famous… and doesn’t have his own condo somewhere? We can’t get one “three-way with college girls” rumour? Good closet gag. It’s all he’s left us with.

  6. Mike says:

    “my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan” I can understand how its not a movie for everyone. It is your list.

    I don’t drink any bud light. I had one sip of BL with lime, and couldnt get the taste out of my mouth. The Bud American Ale isnt too bad in a pinch.

  7. Amy Jo says:

    I get the mustache thing. Exception: The Wild growing mustaches for charity. This video of their “efforts” cracks me up, and they chose the perfect music to go along with it:

    Can we go all Survivor and just vote Clutterbuck off the Earth any time soon?

    Biggest scandal of Crosby’s career: The picture of him and the Cup in bed. And it wasn’t a twin bed. *Gasp*

  8. Mike says:

    I’m sure this will start clogging up everyone’s email. The Tiger Woods slow jam.

  9. Matt says:

    Saints of sport…Tim Tebow? He’s treated like God in FL anyway…

  10. AiH says:

    We get sugar cookies on Wednesday and cookie dusters on Friday. I’m sensing an every other day theme here.

  11. Dan n St Paul says:

    can we also include Love Actually and The Family Stone in the top xmas movies? i think they are underrated…..just sayin.

  12. JD says:

    JB I know a guy on that Pens team and he said Sid is actually a really cool guy and “one of the boys”. Sid is my favorite player, but even I think sometimes he is just a little toooo vanilla. Or at least I did until this last week. If you were the highest profile athlete in your sport and you just witnessed what went down with Tiger, wouldn’t you feel compelled become a Mormon or something, so as to completely avoid any chance of doing something Deadspin-worthy?

  13. Sioux in the Cities says:

    I’m going to go ahead and agree with most of the other posters. Bud LIght Golden Wheat is surprisingly tasty, and I don’t like Bud Light. Chrismas Story should be on the list, and now maybe even the It’s Always Sunny in Philadlephia Christmas Special DVD. And come one, Pujols over Mauer? Not sure about that, probably because I live in Minneapolis though. I mean people refer to him as Baby Jesus, can’t be much more of a holy saint than that, eh?

  14. Anna S. says:

    ‘Crosby’ will be the theme of this comment!

    For Christmas movies, I don’t see how your list can leave out White Christmas, starring Bing Crosby and the inimitable Danny Kaye. When I was a kid we watched it every year on Christmas eve, and it’s still my favorite holiday film.

    In some ways Sidney’s situation seems strange to me (he should be eager for his own party pad, and getting laid more often than the Sealy mattress store), but on the other hand I sort of understand: if I were a 21-yr-old kid who’d been promoted my whole career as the “Face of Hockey!” by the NHL, having seen the shenanigans that go down with Tiger Woods (Face of Golf!) or Ben Roethlisberger (Face of Pittsburgh Football!), I might be reluctant to let the media get hold of any of my personal life too. Living with Mario still is a cover, in a way: if media/photographers/crazed fans want to stalk his residence, they’re stalking Mario Lemieux, legendary player and now team owner, rather than specifically Sidney Crosby, terribly good player who can’t afford to be seen making mistakes. Callers might be for Sidney or might be for Mario, thus quashing potentially awkward rumors. On a large estate, he’s isolated from prying neighbors or cameras on a balcony in the next building over should he choose to throw a party. Hell, if I were Sidney, living with Mario might be the option I picked, too.

  15. Pete L says:

    I was just watching Parros on Youtube, while working up the nerve to call him about the mustache thing. After a few moments of reflection, I have decided that the ‘stache is making a comeback! Spread the word.

    We could make a reality show of people trying to explain to Parros why the ‘stache is no longer cool and the after effects of those efforts. It’d be better than Steven Seaclown: Desperate.

    Happy Birthday!

  16. angus says:

    No love for Home Alone (or Home Alone 2 for that matter)?

  17. Josh Ciocco says:

    Cleanest sports icon is Payton Manning without question… hes as boring as they come, but he knows it and has a sense of humor about it…

  18. Goody says:

    Justin, back in October, former Michigan Tech player John Scott did his best to punch the sucky mustache off of Parros’ face. Apparently Parros has not yet figured out the hint.

  19. Griff says:

    BL golden wheat is drinkable but I wouldn’t pay for one.

  20. Char says:

    Albert Pujols married a woman who has a child with Down syndrome and does extensive charity work with special needs kids, and you didn’t even mention that. Yeah, he’s up there.

    Which “A Christmas Carol”? Alistair Sim’s? George C. Scott’s? Patrick Stewart’s? Mr. Magoo’s?

    “Frageelay! It must be Italian!”

    “I think that says ‘fragile.’”

  21. Simone says:

    A Charlie Brown Christmas is #1 on my list.

    On the Christmas topic, something Tyson related,

    (tip: the Cat Dancer is THE bomb!)

  22. j says:

    I bet Sidney Crosby would go for the sugar cookies first.

    (still love him, though)

  23. Goody says:

    Char, forgot the Muppet version of “A Christmas Carol”. That’s the one that gets my vote.

  24. Sherry says:

    Scrooged – c’mon!

    And Holiday Inn, while not technically a Christmas movie is great fun (check out the Abraham number – yikes!) and an awesome lead in to another great Christmas movie – White Christmas. Oh and, Miracle on 34th Street (am I dating myself?…). And yes, A Christmas Story – with Ralphie’s mom (a “no-good runaway hockey wife” no less!).

  25. Sherry says:

    Alistair Sim version of A Christmas Carol btw…

    On the Sid issue – from what I’ve read, he is just “one of the guys” within the room. Sure, his interviews are pretty darn rote, but if you’d been in the limelight since before you had pubes, you’d probably have cultivated a “go-to” public persona too. Imagine how tired he is of hearing the same questions and comments time and time again.

    Also, how much can a person develop, or rather become well-rounded (and as such have a better shot at having an interesting personality), when *all* he does is live and breathe hockey. You can’t attain the heights within the sport that Sid has without sacrificing in other areas.

    And as for still living at Mario’s (yes, he does), I did see an interview in which he kind of laughed it off by saying that he has been looking, but he’s very picky and oh, btw, the whole superstition thing might play into it just a tiny bit. I imagine he likes being around “family” (and word is, his family and Mario’s have gotten close) and just being able to hang in a low-key environment when he’s not with his other family (the boys in the room).

  26. jtbourne says:

    I mean, yeah. That, or he’s into dudes.

    Both are plausible, and neither matter. Just sayin… Not okay to still be livin with Daddy, SC. Be brave. Be bold. Be Sid, The Man. (Doesn’t rhyme, but whateves).

  27. Pete L says:

    I heard that Sid is taking strides toward becoming his own man. He just got a cat! Named it Frazier Softail Flamer Crosby.

    He also swears that he’s straight, too!!

  28. jtbourne says:

    Pete L – Ahhh, ya got me! Straight guys hate cute. Gawd, it feels so good to be back in the dressing room! Sic ‘em, Tyson!

  29. Travis says:

    For the Sainthood topic: How about Ken Griffey Jr.? Usain Bolt (in time… like 9.55 seconds at least)?

  30. Pete L says:

    Am I the only one who is waiting for the other shoe to drop on Usain Bolt? I know it is sad to be so cynical, but he blows away the field every time. When times seem to good to be true, they usually are. He is a great story until. . .

    Not ready to fit him for a halo yet.

    Justin, I will lay off the cat now. Tyson is just such a good source of humor. I have recently left the locker room behind, too. Tough to make the adjustment. Can’t hammer people in the real world like you could behind the door. But as a fellow pet lover (2 dogs), I would hate for you to become sensitive over Tyson.

  31. Char says:

    Goody, I love the Muppet Christmas Carol! It’s my son’s favorite too. Got to love Michael Caine. :-)

  32. Sioux in the Cities says:

    Speaking of kittens:

  33. John says:

    Name the cat Chico.

  34. Kerstin f.G. says:

    A) Mustachs are only during play-offs.

    B) Best things about mustachs is when they’re gone…

  35. Kerstin f.G. says:

    only “OK” during play-offs…

  36. St. Cloud Gopher says:

    Wheat beer in general is a no-no. Seriously, if you can’t justify a straight Bud (or need some time off from Guinness) get yourself some Grain Belt, PBR, something.

    Crosby can’t afford to do something stupid, he’s got a couple of massive contracts yet to be signed. Give him 10 years and he’ll make a mistake. I don’t see a Tiger mistake, though. I think we’re gonna see a Jordan-style gambling issue or something.

    You need to get up to Acnh. and give a pep talk. Ben Hanowski got a point against UAA? Was it “Little People Appreciation Day” in Alaska?

  37. Bill says:

    No Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer in your list?

  38. Bill says:

    I agree with your number 1 too. But, A Christmas Story should be in there somewhere!

  39. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Sorry folks – I’m going WAY off topic here but I just saw my first real live puck bunnies and I had to tell someone! There are two big gals camped outside what must be the Coyotes player entrance at arena with home made “I love Scottie Upshall” t-shirts and signs. Oh yeah – they were also wearing santa hats and antlers…apparently the bunny ears were in the wash.

    Since I learned of the existence of puck bunnies on this blog – I hope it’s ok to share my first sighting here….

  40. mattycakes says:

    The Parros ‘stache is an intimidating beast all to itself. I was at the Stars/Ducks game this Thursday and I was afraid the entire game that the mongoose that lives on his upper lip was going to hurdle over the glass, attacking all the elderly and small children in the stands.

    Great call on Christmas Vacation. That’s my personal favorite Christmas movie.

  41. zyllyx says:


    (I imagine John Tortorella saying that in the room after a loss.)

  42. Lceasar10 says:

    Dad showed me this site long time fan haha read every blog…what I don’t understand is how the he’ll you can live in Phoenix…brother plays for uaa just got back from there where I live to back home in Detroit and I had to take the 3 hour out of the way stop to Phoenix…it looked like the town was built by squares on a desert that doesn’t grow grass or decent trees…how do you survive good sir? Haha

  43. Kate says:

    “Bad Santa” rules.

  44. Jen says:

    Elf – funniest holiday movie. Ever.

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