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FJM’ing Lamberts Links – Again.

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Well, as promised last week (mentioned?), I’m sticking with the FJM’ing of Ryan Lambert’s Links.  Ryan writes a Monday column “What We Learned” for Puck Daddy that mentions every team in the NHL and provides a link.  So, being the geniuses we are over here at BB, we’re going to use his research and comment on the stories.  Woohoo!  Round two, here we go.

*****

What We Learned

Anaheim Ducks: Apparently the Ducks have done about as much talking to Bobby Ryan’s agents regarding a new contract as you or I have. Which is to say none at all. He said he still wants to play in Anaheim though, so there’s that.

So that’s the most confusing piece of information ever.  Not contacting your team’s burgeoning young star when he’s a few days away from being able to negotiate with every team on the planet can’t help keep the price low, can it?  Just give him all that money Giguere was getting.

Having multiple suitors helps get you more, so maybe Ryan’s agent is just dodging phone calls until July 1st?

Atlanta Thrashers: Atlanta doesn’t just base everything on hockey skill when it comes to player evaluation. Said GM Rick Dudley: “I think they say ‘Well, he scored 46 goals, he’s got to be a pretty good player.’ [I might] look at him and say ‘He’s a big guy that scored 46 goals but he’s dumber than a sack of hammers.’ If that’s the case, he’s going to have a tough time playing in the National Hockey League.” I’ll give Phil Kessel(notes) the bad news.

Hey, Dudley’s got a point here.  You can only be so good while being dumb.  And while plenty of NHL stars have tested those limits, the brightest shining stars can usually string together a coherent sentence.

Boston Bruins: Bruins fans won’t have to wait long to see whoever the team take with the second pick (fun fact: it’s going to be Tyler Seguin). The B’s are holding their annual prospect camp July 6-10.

I mean, my god, look at that picture on the left.  Wouldn’t you take Seguin first just so you could use him in marketing campaigns?  Hall looks about a week away from getting an endorsement deal selling bags of oats.

Buffalo Sabres: After years of taking European losers, the Sabres are leaning toward North Americans in this draft. Puck Daddy has been unable to confirm what must have been the appointment of new assistant GM Don Cherry.

Well yeah, when was the last time a European helped win a Stanley Cup?  I mean, really.  .

…Oh, Malkin won the Conn Smythe last year?  It was Zetterberg the year before that?  Huh.  Well there goes that theory.

Calgary Flames: Calgary, says this article, shaped Taylor Hall’s career indelibly. That will make Flames fans feel better when he’s spinning Cory Sarich(notes) like a top six games a year.

Could you imagine if you were going to be told, in an instant, that you have to spend the next three years of your life (minimum)    A) In Edmonton, on a losing team, in a division with lots of travel, and with not a lot of support to make you look good.  OR   B) In Boston, on a winning team, within five hours of a quarter of the league, and with a quality team around you to help you look good. 

Seguin’s agent is probably just sooooo bummed his client looks like he’s going number two.

Carolina Hurricanes: The Hurricanes will play in St. Petersburg, Russia this coming preseason. SKA St. Petersburg was the second-best team in the KHL regular season last year, which means the Hurricanes are going to get creamed by a team featuring Alexei Yashin(notes) and Sergei Zubov(notes).

I really, really, really, don’t want a KHL team beating an NHL team.  I’m already hearing more player-friends (it’s like being a student-athlete) drop KHL bombs, I don’t need those guys to have any more incentive to go over there.

Chicago Blackhawks: Team president John McDonough used his one day with the Stanley Cup to go to his boyhood home in suburban Chicago. Several hundred people showed up to see it. I mean him. Yes, they were all there to see him. John McDonough. And not an inanimate piece of metal.

Ron Artest’s post-game championship interview included a mention of his new single ”Champions” (only single?).  Well, it’s here m*****f****rs.  He proves the Cup is a big celebrity by saying “takin’ shots a vodka out The Stanley’s Cup.  Yep, that’s right, THE STANLEY’S.  Can I critique grammar in a rap song?

Colorado Avalanche: Goaltending coach Jocelyn Thibault(notes) has quit the Avs to be closer to his family in Quebec, or, perhaps more accurately, be farther away from Petr Budaj. (Linked article is in French. Deal with it.)

Not much Avs news, huh?

Columbus Blue Jackets: Sorry to all Columbus fans hoping Erik Gudbrandson would drop to the fourth spot. Everyone on the planet has him going to Florida at No. 3 instead.

What about Isles fans hoping he slips to 5th?  He’ll probably be there, right?  No?  Oh god, the Isles are gonna take Gormley aren’t they…. (he’s fine, he’s fine, kidding)

Dallas Stars: Mindblowing fact — The Stars have only drafted two defensemen with their last 18 picks. They didn’t take any last year. The last time they drafted a defenseman that developed into a regular NHLer, you ask? Matt Niskanen(notes) five years ago.

Even crazier Dallas Stars news?  Mike Modano is batting around playing with a different franchise next year.  Please, please say it ain’t so, Mikey.  Why do players do this to themselves?  Don’t they see how sad it is when other players do it?  As Wyshynski said, Yzerman did it right.

Detroit Red Wings: Here’s an understatement for a headline — Detroit area native Cam Fowler is “a likely first-round pick.” If he’s still around when the Wings draft at 21, every GM drafting after, like, No. 4 needs their head examined.

Yep, we’re getting Gormley.

Edmonton Oilers: Tyler Seguin got the grand tour of Rexall Place on Thursday. And unless the Bruins play there he will probably never be forced to go back, the lucky devil.

His tour itinerary: West Edmonton Mall, Rexall Place, West Edmonton Mall, get blindingly drunk at Hooters in West Edmonton Mall.  There!  Did you enjoy Edmonton?

Florida Panthers: The Bruins are apparently close to trading for Nathan Horton(notes). I’ll believe it when I see it.

Makes sense.  They have a kabillion picks and would, ideally, like to be “actually good” not “have a decent post-season and trick people into thinking they didn’t suck last year-good”.  I guess there was that matter of a 3-0 collapse to address….

Los Angeles Kings: The Kings are apparently about to hire John Stevens as their new assistant coach. The only thing holding up the deal is Dean Lombardi’s probably-pending contract extension.

aejakjhfrhrnrgohpaenhfjhjakdwhatever.

Minnesota Wild: As the Wild continue their efforts to bring back every player to play for the franchise that one time it went to the Western Conference Final, it has offered Brad Bombardir the new job of director of player development, which he may not take.

They’ve also offered the job of “worst jersey’s in the NHL” to themselves for the millionth year in a row, and have accepted the position once again.  Save for their thirds.  I like those.

Montreal Canadiens: Pierre Gauthier thinks Lars Eller(notes) has a very good chance to play for the big club this year. What that says about the Habs’ depth down the middle is for you to interpret.

Hear that Habs fans?  You traded Jaroslav Halak for a guy who probably could maybe play in the NHL next year.  Phew… I take back the bad-mouthing of that trade.

Nashville Predators: Long story short, the Predators are going to score 43 goals this year.

I’m confused by what Nashville is trying to accomplish this month.  The old “save money in the short term, get worse, and make none down the road” idea has never ever panned out.

New Jersey Devils: You’ve never seen someone so pumped to move to Newark as Jason Arnott(notes). I guarantee he’s been jamming Glory Days on his car stereo all weekend.

I’ve recently discovered that Devils fans actually exist.  From what I can tell, they have no idea how to react to this trade.  Their thoughts: “But…Kovalchuk?  Martin?  Is Arnott still good?  Is he old?  Are we paying him too much?  He was here for the Cup, and scored that big goal…. are we happy? Mad?  WTF JUST HAPPENED?”

New York Islanders: Alex Burmistrov, who will probably go in the top 5 next weekend, is confused, I think. Said he of his visit to Uniondale, “Beautiful place, that Long Island.” I don’t know how sarcasm works in Russia, buddy, but that can’t be right.

Weirdest part of the dig is…. Long Island is fahkin’ gorgeous, and I’ve lived some pretty places (BC, Alaska, Salt Lake City, for example).  It’s lush and surrounded by ocean, while Burmistrov is FROM RUSSIA.  Can’t blame the kid for likin’ it.  Well, except for Nassau Coliseum.  That place SUCKS.

New York Rangers: Wondering why the Rangers’ divisional opponents are making moves while Sather just sits in his office? It’s because his M.O. is to wait until after the draft to make his stunningly bad personnel moves.

His M.O. is failing.  How much longer can Rangers fans STAND this guy?

Ottawa Senators: Both Andy Sutton(notes) and Matt Cullen(notes) would like to stay in Ottawa but have basically been told they’re not a priority while the team tries to ink Anton Volchenkov(notes). Did you know Sutton was second in the league in blocked shots and eighth in hits last year? They should sign him.

Blocked shots, hits, and leads the league in including the word “expert” per sentence.  Because he wants to know: are you one?

Philadelphia Flyers: Danny Briere(notes) cost the Flyers $112,172 per point per game last season. Claude Giroux’s(notes) cost: $17,482. You knew that guy was a bargain.

I always love those breakdowns, like when Griffey gets hurt, and it works out to two million an at-bat or something.  Seriously I do – it’s fun to pretend the guy was like, at home all day, drove to the park, took an at-bat and his paycheck, and left.  It’s silly, but fun to be indignant about their whopping salaries.

Phoenix Coyotes: Much of the roster for the Coyotes is undecided for next year. Brilliant analysis: “The picture will become clearer after the draft Friday and Saturday in Los Angeles and the start of free agency July 1.” You don’t say?

Phoenix’s roster is a little more variable than other teams, but sure, that July 1st stuff kinda goes without saying.  Still waiting for my offer, Desert Dogs.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Alex Ponikarovsky is unlikely to return to the Penguins, not that you didn’t know that. Between the regular season and playoffs, Poni had 3-11-14 in 27 games, and it only cost the Pens Luca Caputi(notes).

I never saw PonikaBOOOOOOOO play until he got traded to Pittsburgh, and when I diBOOOOOOOOOO.  Man, was he bad in PittsBOOOOOOOOOOOO!  BOOOOOOPONIKAROVSKYBOOOOOOO!

San Jose Sharks: Fear the Fin believes that one way to increase scoring is to make the teams start on the opposite benches, meaning home teams have a long change twice a game instead of once. This is a colossally stupid idea.

My uncle who interned for Stan Fischler told me that Stan has had more than his share of ideas like this, and for the most part, they BOOOOOPONIKAROVSKYBOOOOOO!  (But seriously, there are plenty of fun ideas to bat around, but lets keep it simple.  College hockey is talking about calling icing on team’s that are short-handed.  Lets rein it in here.)

St. Louis Blues: Jaroslav Halak on why he works so hard: “I was born in May, and I am a (Taurus) so I’m really stubborn.” Oh Christ.

Hmm, interesting insight.  Maybe they traded him cause he’s completely braindead.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Count Vinny Lecavalier among those excited to have Steve Yzerman around. He mentions that Stevie Y is “an honest person,” a description he probably would not give some of the other people that have come through the Lightning organization of late.

Vinny’s gonna have a good season, I’m calling it now (he should for 10 million dollars).  So is Tampa.  They’ll be in the playoff hunt WITH THE ISLES.

Toronto Maple Leafs: Here’s one hell of a spin — The Halak trade was good for the Maple Leafs. Really softens the blow of not having Tuukka Rask(notes), I’m sure.

What softens the blow of paying JS Giguere seven million dollars?

Vancouver Canucks: The Canucks might trade their first-round pick. They do need several more mediocre defensemen.

Right, their d-corps is a stable of ”yep, he’s a good player” guys, without a single Keith/Seabrook/Campbell/Pronger/Carle/Hamuis/Timonen.

Washington Capitals: Sorry Shaone Morrisonn(notes), you’re out.

Based entirely on the fact that your parents did a stupid job of spelling your name.

Comments

28 Responses to “FJM’ing Lamberts Links – Again.”
  1. Danimal says:

    THANK YOU! this breaks up the work day nicely.

  2. ms.conduct says:

    Hmm, I’m a Taurus and stubborn, but man, I hate to work hard. I’m more mule-stubborn than Halak-stubborn. Hee-yaw. Wait, that’s a donkey.

    Wild’s jersey’s are the worst in the league? Have you SEEN Florida? Palm trees, Bourney! PALM TREES ON A HOCKEY SWEATER! It hurts… it hurts…

    *sniff*

  3. jtbourne says:

    I did the NHL, bloggers, and sarcastic assholes everywhere a disservice by claiming a team has worse jersey than the Florida Panthers. I humbly submit my apology.

  4. Trevor says:

    Are you saying it’s a “one-horse race” for the 1st overall pick?

    Sorry, terrible line, but I had to say it.

  5. jtbourne says:

    Haha, that’s an AWESOME line. I’m tweeted that, ASAP.

  6. Nadeau says:

    Niedermayer is expected to announce is retirement at a press confrence today that or they are bringing chelios to anaheim to play with him and set a record for oldest D pairing ever

  7. kitten fister says:

    Your getting Gormley, and sucks to be you(on draft day)

  8. kitten fister says:

    If CBJ take him, I QUIT!

  9. AiH says:

    I don’t know but why Gormley from Prince Edward Island just seems to fit nicely with Long Island. Meant for each other I guess. Or potato farming. Perhaps both?

  10. KForbes says:

    What’s wrong with Gormley?
    I watched this kid for the past two seasons and he’s legit.
    Plus with Danny Flynn coaching him in Moncton, isn’t his arrival in NYI a given?

    Alex Burmistrov isn’t really a definite top 5 guy either…
    I believe he has something signed that he has to go back to Russia for a year or two after this season…
    Which will likely scare teams away.

  11. jtbourne says:

    Nothing wrong with Gormley – great player great fit. You just hate getting the guy called the “unsexy pick” as a fan. Doing it right is great if you’re a coach, if you’re looking for entertainment (and I am), it’s fun to get a guy who’s a little more electric.

  12. Ken says:

    Thanks for sticking up for LI. I was as perplexed as you when I read that yesterday. LI is a beautiful place (just unbelievably expensive to live there). Although if all you saw was the Coliseum and the surrounding area, I guess you may think otherwise. That’s why the Isles take these kids away from there and show them the real LI.

  13. Dougie says:

    Taylor Hall’s headshot looks like one that Roloff kid off of “Little People Big World” on TLC. Everytime I see Hall on tv I change the channel thinking my wife switched it over to TLC on me.

  14. AiH says:

    If Burmistrov was planning on playing in the KHL it seems odd that he came to Canada to play Juniors.

  15. jtbourne says:

    Check out his quotes on Islanderspointblank.com – he’s not going to the KHL. Been making fun of it.

  16. KForbes says:

    Interesting on Burmistrov…

    HF interviewed him earlier in the year and he acknowledged that there was an agreement in place between him, Barrie and Ak Bars to have him play his draft year in the OHL and then return to finish his contract (one or two years) in Russia before pursuing his NHL career.

    I know prior to this season, Dmitri Kulikov had to buy his was out of his KHL contract (which had a similar CHL clause) before he could join the Panthers. Perhaps Burmistrov has done the same thing.

    AiH: it’s not as much about wanting to play in one place or another as it is honouring contracts. Burmistrov wants to play NHL hockey, that much is clear just by talking to him. But if he does have an existing contract in Russia, which he did earlier in the season, then that might delay his jump to North America.

  17. Deirdre says:

    The ‘canes blog had an open discussion on whether they should take Brett Connolly…or whether he’d even be available by the time you got to the 7th pick. I feel badly for the kid, but he’s got hip issues at 18, how can any team seriously be considering him a good investment for their 1st pick?

    Am I wrong here? If yes, I’d love to know why.

    I expect a KHL victory and a new decade of Russian players flooding the NHL (and I’m ok with that – but I did grow up a Red Wings fan so it’s expected).

  18. Char says:

    Deirdre, I think there’s a difference between hip injuries and issues. From what I gather, Connolly had an injury, tried to come back from it too early, and hurt his other hip. But it’s not like it’s a genetic condition or that sort of thing. At least, that’s what I gather. He’s supposed to be a great player, pretty much in the same class with Seguin and Hall.

    The comment about Russia vs. Long Island piqued my interest, so I looked up Burmistov’s home town: Kazan. It’s a World Heritage site, and a very pretty city: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kazan,_Russia

  19. wychwood says:

    What softens the blow of paying JS Giguere seven million dollars?

    I’m guessing that “not paying Toskala four million dollars to suck worse than anyone else” might help? *g*

  20. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Much of Minnesota is craving hockey talk and we get a comment about a guy who already works for the Wild and may not want to change his role with the organization and an insult to a jersey that battles the Red Wings every year for the highest annual sales. (I hope the worst jersey in the NHL comment was about their road whites – I don’t think people buy those anymore. Love the home reds and the thirds.)

    I miss hockey games…real live hockey games…sigh.

  21. jtbourne says:

    ….And worse still, you think they sell because they’re nice! :)

  22. minnesotagirl71 says:

    Well – they certainly don’t sell because the team is GOOD.

  23. Jeff says:

    Ehrhoff’s a better d-man than Hamhuis, Carle, and Campbell easily. Same w/ Salo, but he’s always injured.

  24. mikeB says:

    @ Jeff

    I’ll give you Carle. But I’ll take Hamhuis and Soupy in a heartbeat. (Salo isn’t that good. The Canucks could use his salary in much better ways)

    Matt Carle was probably dangled for Hamhuis and denied. Ryan Parent is going to good. Really good. While Carle is only going to be average, or above average.

    Brian Campbell can skate and shoot and pass. And Erhoff can only do one and a half of those things (shoot and half skate).

  25. ChrisB says:

    All the Canucks d are soft like little throw pillows…
    Isn’t durability an important trait for a defenseman? Ask Duncan Keith if you don’t think so?

    Campbell is a super awesome puck mover and started playing more physical and better defensively when he started losing ice time to Sopel (I would take him before anybody on the Canucks) Sopel, I mean
    don’t diminish soupy because he is the overpaid 3rd best d man on his team. (what an embarrassment of riches)
    Carle had quite the quick career turnaround and played like a man in the postseason. Not something I could say for anybody on Vancouver… Instead of making fun of Vancouver’s defense (too easy) let’s make fun of the glaring weaknesses up front or in goal or behind their bench… ha ha
    Anyways who is gonna get Versteeg or Big Buff? You know quality hockey players

  26. JIllian says:

    Thanks for these FJM’s! Gives me a good laugh in a long day.

  27. Simone says:

    Really, what’s up with Lambert’s dig against Lon-guy-land??? I think maybe his mind was still stuck in Newark since his spiel on the Devils was just before the Isles comments…

  28. Sioux in the Cities says:

    Won’t have to hear about Byfuglien anymore, Bourne. He’s been shipped to Atlanta:
    http://sports.espn.go.com/chicago/nhl/news/story?id=5320715

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