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The ESPY’s, and Breakaways by Floating vs. Timing



I watched the majority of the ESPY’s last night before losing out to Bri and her DVR’ed Hills finale… whatever, shut up.  Anyway, I made a few notes on it.  So, without any ado, really, let’s launch into them!  (Oh, and some good news for you puckheads: there is a hockey blurb in today’s entry – the last segment.)

Makes SportsNation tolerable


Michelle Beadle bails Colin Cowherd out on a regular basis, and it was never more obvious than during the pre-show lead-up.  I get that Colin’s thing is being a bit ”unfiltered” who’s (A) not afraid to say anything and (B) will say anything contradictory to get a rise out of people, partially because he knows it’s not that hard to argue any viewpoint in sports.

But everytime he spoke it was like someone threw honey in the show’s cogs, and she kept having to swoop in and clean it up to get things flowing normal again.  She’s good at what she does.  For the record, I feel like Cowherd is someone I might like in person, but he greatly benefits from Beadle being around.


This morning I tweeted: Marisa Miller was so smokin’ hot at the ESPY’s last night I almost didn’t notice Chris Bosh’s shirt/tie combo. …almost.”  She’s a freak of nature, that woman.  But on the other side of things – who the eff is letting Bosh wear a red-and-white plaid shirt with a solid olive-green tie?  Individually they were nice, but c’mon, man you can’t do that.

Staff Sargeant Dignam thinks your family is dug into the Southie projects like ticks.


Mark Wahlberg’s movie characters are consistently ten times better than his real life personality, which, from what I can tell, full-on sucks.  He seems bland, over-confident and humourless.  Which KILLS me since I love him in so many movies, specifically The Departed.  And Marky, stick to your lines at awards shows.  “Tie Domi” at the NHL Awards was a massive swing-and-a-miss.


Ummm, randomly handing out unimportant ESPY’s during interviews?  That’s awkward, ESPN.  “And we’re here with Shaun White - one sec here lemme get this outta my pocket here ya go take that – who just won an ESPY!  How does it feel Shaun?”  Glamorous?


I’m a biased fan, but I thought Seth Meyers killed during his opening monologue, especially the Tiger bits (who, by the way, is five under after the opening round at the British Open.  Nice).  My question though – what’s with so many Grumpy Gus’s refusing to smile for jokes, even if they miss?  Half the “stars” seemed like empty shells. 

Stuart Scott, whatchu thinkin, boo-ya man?  What’s up in your head, Favre?  There would be some joke getting great laughs, and they’d cut to people who weren’t flinching til they realized the camera was on them.  Ohhh, you’re too cool, I get it.

Isn’t that kind of an insight into someone’s real personality?  Like, if I go to the Tempe Improv and the guy sucks, I can usually tolerate the jokes enough to humour the guy with odd laugh.  Even the bad jokes usually make me smile, at the very least.  But nope, not for half the ESPY audience.  Stone walls.  Like a King and his jester – MAKE ME LAUGH, BUFFOON!

Orbitz. Mmm, smooth. ...and chunky.


{HOLY TOTALLY RANDOM THOUGHT:  This just struck me – remember All Sport?  The carbonated sports drink?  Man, wasn’t that the worst idea EVER?  Oh god I’m so thirsty after that long run, just let me take this out of the fridge and crush OW! OW. Ow that hurts. 

Can’t believe that idea didn’t survive.  Or Orbitz, it disappeared too.  Geez, I guess not every great idea can make it.}


Right, the ESPY’s: I’ve got a real problem with advertising worked into my programming.  At least commercials don’t put on glasses with a fake nose and ask you to try Chex brand cereal.  Real commercials just go with: BUY CHEX BRAND CEREAL.

I could’ve done without plugs for Outback Steakhouse (while a funny-ish parody, it annoyed me), and even using Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink for telling people how to vote rubbed me the wrong way.  It probably shouldn’t, I dunno.


Soooo, we’re just gonna use some weird/mediocre musician for every song?  Thank you DVR, FF.


Eh, that’s about as far as I got on the ESPY’s.  One hockey thing before I go….

For you rec leaguers (I think I just discovered that’s Canadian speak – beer leaguers?) that want breakaways, there’s a huge difference between floating/cherry picking and anticipating a turnover and flying the zone early.

All about the timing.

A lot of teams will have one or four players that are always “open” in rec hockey.  But you learn, after awhile, that when you move the puck up to that guy, he either has to stop to not go offside, stop to wait for help, or start from a stop because he’s been waiting for a pass.

This is exactly why coaches at higher levels preach that everyone come back low into their own zone and come up the ice together, and with speed.  Otherwise you get all discombobulated, with some guys not moving and some flying up the ice.  It usually ends up that the guy with the puck has to beat someone one-on-one for the rush to have any hope.

So then, the solution for those of you that still want breakaways, is to be in a responsible position in your own zone, but SEE that their guy is about to make a risky play, and f**king take off.  If your team doesn’t get possession, you can always turn around.  If they do come up with the puck, you’re moving while their d-men are flat-footed.

Don’t worry about looking stupid if you’re wrong.  Just go dude, take off.  Just don’t head out there and stop (or worse, not come back in the first place).  It’s all about timing, and you just have to guess when your team is about to take over before your opponent does.

I run this pic a lot, I know - it's my favourite on-ice one.


And last but not least…. sorry about eating up the next ten minutes of your day.  Try to stop watching this, it’s mesmerizing:

Via @bruce_arthur, via @ToureX


28 Responses to “The ESPY’s, and Breakaways by Floating vs. Timing”
  1. Kennedy says:

    I didn’t watch the whole show – was Crosby’s OT Oylmpics goal nominated for anything? I get it’s a US centred show – but how is Donovan’s rebound goal to just get a team into the round of 16 a better moment than Crosby scoring an OT winner in a game that meant everything to a country?

  2. jtbourne says:

    Yeah, it won some fairly “major” category (as far as any ESPY being “major” goes).

  3. derek_com says:

    my dad used to give me the greatest after practice refreshments for the drive home.

    he was all about the all sport. i finally had to stop humoring him and let him know i either had to quit drinking that, or quit playing hockey. i simply couldnt do both.
    so he moved on…

    …to giving me a gatorade and a pepsi.

    he may still be confused about the differences between carbohydrates and carbonation. you gotta love him.

  4. Cerenz says:

    As a goalie, I’d like to thank you for giving these clowns advice on how to obtain more breakaways. Breakaways = the lone reason I break so many damn sticks in rec league. Granted, you’re telling them how to do it the right way, but it’s still infuriating as most rec league games devolve into an odd-man-rush-fest after the first 10 minutes. Everyone realizes that the pace they maintained in the early stages is moronic, and anything resembling defense (which was suspect in the first place) goes completely out the window, and I’m left wondering if I should attempt to make this save and pull a groin for the third time tonight, or just get scored on for the seventh time. Bravo Bourne….

  5. Kennedy says:

    There was a “Things we Grudgingly Had to talk about on Sportscenter” espy? Awesome!

  6. jtbourne says:

    I continue to maintain my lifelong goal of irritating goaltenders.

  7. Matt says:

    Let me guess…you faked left, went right, then roof job? Nice.

  8. jtbourne says:

    Ha. I answer this whenever I run that pic – you’re right, but I didn’t go roof cause I had him sliding so far left. Of course, by not roofing it, I allowed him to kick his toe out and jam the puck against the post. Which he did. Nnnno goal.

  9. ms.conduct says:

    Also, on that breakaway thing? It’s quietly amusing for the opposing goalie watching you bust out of your zone in the hopes that you have your team and a puck closing in behind you, and then it doesn’t happen and you have to go back into your zone and muck around some more. Love to see the enemy spin his wheels. Also tells me who the hot shots are since hardly anybody at my level has that wherewithal.

    So… you know… snack on that.

    Sincerely, The Other Goalie

    Completely agree on the stonefaced audience last night. Solution? Get ‘em drunk.

  10. Sioux in the Cities says:

    So as much as I like Drew Brees and apprecieate what he’s done, how did Jonathan Toews not even get nominated for Best Male Athlete? I mean Olympic Gold, Best Olympic Forward, Stanley Cup, Stanley Cup MVP. What more can he accomplish in that sport!? Mike Commodore was ranting on Twitter yesterday, and I have to agree. Thoughts?

  11. Matt says:


    Agree on Toews, but really…it’s ESPN. I’m shocked that the Olympic final got best game. It was certainly deserving, but ESPN blows.

  12. Pete says:

    i once lost a bet and had to drink a 16oz cup of chew spit. seriously.

    anyway, that’s just what drinking that orbitz stuff was like….

  13. AiH says:

    This might be the first time I’ve see a blog mention Marisa Miller and fail to provide a photograph for reference. I’m not sure what to think or feel at the moment. You flipped my world upside down J.B.

    I think I might have to take a break from your blog for the rest of the week until I clear my head and get my bearings back.

  14. Deirdre says:

    Love the video and totally shared it. You’re right – a well wasted 10 minutes :-)

    As for the break-aways. I don’t think I’ve yet seen a true break-away in the rec leagues. I’ve seen lots of forwards get away from the tired “defense”…but as those defensemen have been playing like secondary wingers it’s not surprising.

    Let ‘em come. I’ll still stop ‘em with my flashy glove hand :-P

  15. Sherry says:

    Where do you find these vids Bourne? Very cool.

  16. dirk says:

    always go top shelf jb! :)

  17. Shane McDonald says:


    Came across your site after meeting your father here in Kelowna. Great articles and insight.

    Would be interested in chatting with you further. I did some pro bono design work (tickets for the charity hockey game) for The Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp after meeting Bob and your bro for his charity event at Sturgeon. Curious if you are going to be in town for this years installment?

    Drop me a quick email if you get the chance. I am a web and graphic designer working out of Kelowna. I do the majority of my design work doing customized WordPress and blog sites and would love to hear your feedback.

    Feel free to drop me a message at Keep up the great articles.



  18. Mike says:

    As a beer leager defenseman, to all the wingers (and especially centers) who bail early and look for that hail-mary pass, suck it. Except for that one time out of 110 that I hit you in stride at their blue line from our own goal line… That’s pretty sweet.

  19. Megan says:

    They should’ve just shown Chris Bosh’s reaction to Will Ferrell’s skit the whole night. He was LOVING that shiz.

  20. Marc says:

    I’m gonna go on record and say I loved All Sport and if it was possible to go back in time and bring fresh All Sport back with me I would. And a case of crystal clear pepsi to boot.

  21. MattyJ says:

    As a defenseman, if you are on a breakaway, or you *think* you’re on a breakaway, or you’re open for any pass for that matter, for God’s sake don’t wave your stick in the air. Put it on the ice.

    Waving your stick in the air will guarantee that I’m not passing to you.

  22. Miriam says:

    Your picture made me go back and see if I had taken any pictures of you during the “orange season”…and I definitely only have two. What a shame.

  23. Richie says:

    On ms.conduct and MattyJ’s points, I always have a chuckle when captain stick-waver/floater gets the pass zipped to him, fails to control it/possibly falls over..Reason # 10,032 why he’s probably a douche.

  24. caps says:

    Mattyj – Oh I’m passing it to them.
    If they are calling for the pass with their stick at shoulder height, guess where the pass is going to be?

  25. rdh29 says:

    I’ve never read anything about Marky Mark’s personality, or ever thought to for that matter but a few years ago he was in Toronto shooting The Shooter. While on set Wallberg struck up a coversationwith my buddy who was a cop on set. Wahlberg asked where he could rent some ice for pick up hockey to take the Canadian crew. He ended up renting some late night ice in downtown T.O and also invited my buddy. Always thought that was pretty cool of him.

  26. AdamSea says:

    This video seems to last way longer than 10 minutes

  27. jtbourne says:

    rdh29 – Well then. That is pretty cool.


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