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D-Baggery Transcends Race, Gender, Sexual Preference

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Yayyyyy, it’s my birthday week!

….you don’t get a whole week?  Eff that you don’t.  Gotta find something to celebrate.

So, I was born on 12/12 at 12:12.  Hence, I wore #12 everywhere it was available.

My birthday is now also the anniversary of a less awesome event.  This Saturday marks the one year anniversary of the slapshot that hit my face, which I may have mentioned, was about as fun as hanging out in the laundry room with “the sisters” in Shawshank.

So, I’m gonna have my “year-in-review” up on Friday - a recap of my journey to becoming an engaged blogumnist living in Arizona (Friday, because on my actual b’day, I’ll be cutting and pasting magazine letters into a vaguely threatening sentence to send to the guy who shot the puck), with some pictures.

*****

Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp's "VT Cup"

Hockey Greats Fantasy Camp's "VT Cup"

Follow me closely here: Some people are dicks.  All disabled people are people.  Therefore, some disabled people are bound to be dicks.  I’ll do a Venn diagram later.

I explained it like that because the sentence “some disabled people are dicks” seemed a little harsh to lead with, but it’s true.

Similarly, during the course of the “lay off the gay slurs in hockey” stuff, I realized something.  Some gay people, like straight ones, are entirely capable of being assholes too.

The less-than-desireables, of course, don’t take away from the fact that everybody deserves equality, regardless of our differences, but lets face it - in every group, there’s some people who’d rather trip you for a laugh than give you a stick of gum.

I found that little tidbit out playing disabled sports with my brother.  Here’s equal rights at it’s finest: It’s equally possible that this parapalegic deserves a face-punch as much as ’ol walkey-pants over there.  When you get to the point that you can say “go eff yourself, a-hole”, because a disabled guy is an a-hole, you’re really seeing past the wheelchair.

I’d show up to the court for wheelchair basketball all excited.  Just daydreaming… So cool that these athletes exercise as-much or more than most able-bodied people.  So cool that that these people are making the best out of their abilities.  So cool that – “Dude, you just ran over my toe again”.  Well then get outta the f***in’ way”.

“…Dick.”

Which brings me to some of my favourite stories of “true equality”.

(In my defense of the following, when Jeff, the bigger, stronger brother, got a hold of me, I was generally a pretzel before I could say “a-salt”.  I had about as much chance of out-muscling him as my kitten has of paving the driveway)  (….okay, fine, booooo salt joke).

Nice Isles jacket1) When we were kids, we sat across from each other at the kitchen table.  My side was against the wall, and Jeff’s side had stairs (going down) behind it.  When I was pissed at him, I’d push the table into him so he’d roll backwards towards the stairs.  He started setting his brakes at dinner.  High comedy.

2) We had an elevator in our house, from the deck to the downstairs, where our rooms were.  The outdoor elevator had a sensor on the bottom, so when we were fighting, I’d chuck a basketball under there so it couldn’t go all the way down.

Picking on each other and fighting is part of what being brothers is about.  Jeff routinely shot tennis balls at my junk, because it’s really funny when any dude gets hit in the junk with a tennis ball, and I couldn’t move fast enough to avoid it.  Well played, sir.

He’s just about the nicest, kindest dude in the world, and the guy has played his metaphorical two – seven off-suit like he’s holding aces.  And of course, on the rare occasions he was being a dick, I told him so.  And vice versa.

My point with all this?  I’ve learned from my experiences with the disabled community that it’s okay to say this:  Some of the member of the gay community have been epic-level assholes towards me throughout my attempt at minimizing gay slurs.  Lighten up.  Just because I wanted a major publication to correct an article they wrote that misrepresented me as gay, doesn’t mean I hate gays, and doesn’t mean I don’t get to point out when you’re being d-bags, just like everyone else.  Cause you know what?  A few of you are d-bags, again, just like every other group of people on the planet.

Can’t we all just get along?

*****

And for the rest of you that’ve been ever-so kind and polite towards me…

It’s my birthday week yaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Hockey Greats Camp, houseboat style.

...Annnd cap it with a postcard style pic. Perfect.

Comments

34 Responses to “D-Baggery Transcends Race, Gender, Sexual Preference”
  1. Firestorm says:

    Does wearing a Habs t-shirt constitute a solid enough reason for an “eff-you, a-hole”?

    Man, Jeff, that you moves you way down the list of favorite family members…

  2. jtbourne says:

    I edited the “eff-you, a-hole” part out, cause I really don’t need another email calling me a “militant straighty”. Thought the watered down, “moral to the story” ending might be a bit classier. But yes, Jeff’s habs t-shirt bumps him into second on my “favourite brothers” list, and I only have one.

  3. Amy Jo says:

    Family photo…. with the necessary empty bottle to prove that they are, in fact, Canadian. Nice!

    Would a militant straighty take a Christmas picture with his fiancee and kitten (cuz you know you so are)?

  4. Mike says:

    Being a D-Bag transcends race, creed, color, gender, sexual preference.

  5. jtbourne says:

    Looooooove the comment Mike. My whole point in one sentence. Going to change the title of the entry.

  6. Mike says:

    Glad I could help! I find D-Bag and its variants my go to word. It is forceful, but not vulgar. Its acceptable at home, at the office. You can say it at Christmas dinner without starting a controversy. It’s almost the thinking person’s curse word.

  7. Dan n St Paul says:

    somewhat off topic, but Bourne, you seem to have a forest view of the world vs trees, and if you truly wanted to put some of your thoughts into action, ever think about coaching at the younger levels? Not juniors, but before d-bags become d-bags.

  8. Deirdre says:

    Ah but if he coached kids he’d have to deal with the parents…and d-baggery can definitely be learned at home.

  9. Travelchic59 says:

    Happy Birthday. Hope it’s a good week of celebrating for you.

  10. Pete L says:

    Congrats on the personal growth! Once you can see past the physically challenged part and drop the hammer on him for being a d-bag, you have arrived in the 21st century. If the guy wasn’t in a chair, he’d probably have just stepped on your foot again. True equality will be when you can actually deliver the face punch without guilt.

    Kind of ironic about the 12/12 thing. I used to think that July 11th was a lucky day ( you know 7/11), at least I thought that until I got hit by a car on 7/11. Shake it off and embrace the change.

    Oh, and once you pass the age of ten, you don’t get a birthday week anymore, sorry!

  11. jtbourne says:

    Birthday Question: My sugar-cookie loving friend loves free stuff too. In our hometown, Kelly O’Bryans offers a free birthday meal. In our hometown, there are two Kelly O’Bryans. In our hometown, he goes to lunch and dinner at separate Kelly O’s.

    Is said sugar-cookie-loving-cheapskate friend in the moral wrong here? Or simply a savvy birthday haver?

  12. Greg says:

    forget everything else…who’s the hot chick on the right?

  13. jtbourne says:

    Haha… you mean the girl wearing sunglasses to keep her huge engagement ring from blinding her? Not sure. I’ll try to find out. :)

  14. Courtney says:

    Birthday weeks are fine – my finace insists on a birthday month! And I think your friend is savvy especially with this economy

    Happy Birthday

  15. Pete L says:

    I keep thinking about that guy running your foot over multiple times. It sounds like your life is becoming a “Curb Your Enthusiasm” episode.

  16. Great article Justin. It really doesn’t matter what your place in the world is, if you can use it to take advantage of people you are indeed an a-hole. And if you think people aren’t going to call you out because you are disabled, you are more of a jerk.

    Mike, d-bag isn’t vulgar? You must have interesting Christmas dinners!

  17. SDC says:

    your points 1) and 2) of Jeff abusing actually made me lol. Well done.

    I will take the “savvy” nod from Courtney. Thank you ma’am. Doesn’t it just “grind your gears” to see me vindicated by your readers? You’re just mad because there isn’t a pacho aaaaanywhere near in-sight of you, and 12/12 is approaching ever so quickly.

    Great postcard!

  18. Madeleine says:

    This isn’t really related, but do any of you actually know what a d-bag is? Go wikipedia it. Just seems like a funny word to use as an insult.

    But yeah, great piece, and something most people are too afraid to say. Just because we’re all equal doesn’t mean some people are jerks. And people do need to lighten up; you clearly support the gay community, you just don’t want to be falsely identified as gay. Seems fair to me.

  19. Madeleine says:

    In response to Greg….forget everything else, who’s the hot guy on the right? ;-)

  20. mattycakes says:

    Ahh, nothing like a tennis ball to the junk to the pass the time. That was a favorite between me and my brother.

    I was also going to reminisce about the time I shot a street hockey puck that collided with my brother’s face (he’s younger, so he was always goalie) but I decided that would probably a hit a little too close to home for you.

    Have a great birthday week, and don’t let the d-bags ruin it for you.

  21. Tom Curran says:

    Your buddy goes to Kelly O’s twice in one day?
    You need to schedule an intervention and place him on suicide watch R.F.N.!!
    A Slazenger in the junk………ahhh the memories!!
    Enjoy YOUR birthday week Justin!!

  22. Simone says:

    Kudos go to your sugar cookie-loving friend for disproving the notion “there’s no such thing as a free lunch”, and getting a free dinner to boot!

  23. Kerstin says:

    >>Can’t we all just get along?< <

    Just a simple NO.
    Everywhere human beings meet there will be a-holes included.
    Independant from gender, color, country, body, talents, how they tie their shoe laces...
    Good thing: In most cases you can ignore those people with a little bubble over your head stating "Yeah... whatever...go ahead but I know it better and let you die in all your dumb blabla.." ...
    The famous "Just-Wave-And-Smile-Effect" ;-)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_B23QGCEmA

    Btw: HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEEK :)

  24. Paul says:

    Why is that you don’t allow gay people to defend themselves on this website? I am just curious. Why is it if they try to defend themselves to you and you don’t allow their comments? Or, you make fun of them and call them names and also encourage others who agree with you to also call them names like ‘assholes’? I have been trying to defend myself as a gay person to you and you will not allow the comments though.

  25. jtbourne says:

    Paul – the only comments I’ve ever filtered have been some of the hateful anti-gay or anti-straight ones (yes, I did receive some of those). I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but re-submit it, and I’ll happily approve it if it’s acceptable.

    Your personal email to me yesterday (I assume it was the same Paul) was an “eff you” loosely vailed in a language of faux-politeness, and it took most of my effort not to respond accordingly (I’d agree with about one of your ten points in the email. Lets just leave it at “we disagree”). So submit your comment, and that’ll be the end of that.

    …I just have to add. How you’ve managed to read my thoughts on equality for homosexuals, and misconstrue it as “me ecouraging other people to call them assholes” is such selective listening (reading?) it’s infuriating. So, moving on… (and you should too). This is a sports-first blog.

  26. Paul says:

    keep at as sports-first blog then and leave gay people alone now.

  27. JeffB says:

    Damn basketballs!

  28. JeffB says:

    p.s….the tennis balls in the junk were a great source of fun.

  29. Brother of a gay kid says:

    {Bourne’s Blog note: Sigh… yup. These are my readers.}

    So let me get this straight, no pun intended, you take offense to a gay guy calling you a ‘douche bag’, which I have to agree with, and finding it offensive that you find being called ‘gay’ wrong and in need of an apology after you have spent your entire hockey career calling gay people ‘faggots’, ‘queers’, ‘homos’, ‘flamers’, and God knows what else, probably harassing gay people you see in public with your teammaters or calling them ‘faggots’ to each other. What you did, and who you are as a man is paramount to some gay guy calling you a ‘douche bag’ and finding you offensive for needing a fucking apology for being thought of as ‘gay’. Your priorities are fucked up buddy and if you were any kind of man you’d understand a gay person who’d be pissed off at you for taking offense to everything about you.

  30. Paul says:

    @ Brother of a gay kid

    Thanks. Exactly! And, by the way Mr. Bourne, homophobic men are usually gay themselves, which I think you are both. You ping off the charts with gayness!

    (Hopefully this gets through!)

  31. Kate B says:

    Happy birthday!!!!

    (From another 12.)

    :D :D

  32. Kate B says:

    Yo, and Paul? Stop speaking for me.

    I’m here because I play hockey and what the locker room’s like means something to me. Justin put himself on the line in a massively public way for me and for a lot of other people.

    And seriously? Insulting someone by calling them queer? Really? Yeah, way to represent, thanks.

  33. Richard says:

    So hang on, Bourne puts himself on the line by changing his ways, admitting his shame at how he’d behaved as a kid, *condemning* homophobia in hockey and causing some fairly major media coverage of it as a microcosm, and you jerks show up attacking *him*? What the hell is up with you? Just an old-fashioned Internet troll?

  34. Madeleine says:

    Richard, you took the words right out of my mouth.

    I’m a big supporter of the gay community, but I get tired when people are called homophobic because they don’t want to be called gay. If a man is straight, he has the right to take offense to someone sayong something false about his sexual orientation. I think it’s very clear that Justin is NOT HOMOPHOBIC, and to say otherwise is to discredit all that he has done with his coverage of the topic.

    So shame on you Paul and Brother of a gay kid.

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