Cinqo de OhMyGod, He’s Not Wearing Teeth On TV
Posted by jtbourne on May 5, 2010 · 36 Comments
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So, does Darren McCarty not have teeth, or does he just choose not to wear them? And as a follow up, which of those two things would be more messed up?
Suit, check. Shaved, check. Teeth, f**k it.
On the “doesn’t have them” hand, he’s just said eff it. I’m not doin’ the whole teeth thing. People know I played hockey, they know I was a tough, they don’t expect me to have any chompers. It’s a hassle, it’s expensive, I’m just not doin’ it. I don’t care if I’m an analyst with Versus. I’m not going through with it. (note: I actually like having him on the panel there. A little personality never hurt anyone.)
On the ”chooses not to wear them” hand, he’s completely socially oblivious. Because he knows enough to have the teeth, but doesn’t think TV is the right time to be wearing them. He’s gone through the whole procedure. Dentist appointments, fittings, root canals, who knows. But he deems national television an unworthy tooth-sporting event. I guess he didn’t think many people were gonna see him. After all, he is on Versus. BOOM! So if not then…. WHEN?
My best guess: He knows he looks better with them in, but they inhibit his ability to speak clearly. You know, without having a lisp or something. (Which probably just comes from getting your brain puchisized for free for a dozen+ years, but hey, I’m fine with blaming the teeth.)
{Random tooth tale: My college teammate got a new retainer-style front jib right before our road trip to Minneapolis. We went out that night after our game for his 21st birthday. Gets cross-eyed drunk (t-bombs at Brothers), goes home and pukes in the little hotel garbage can by the desk. The next day, he wakes up at 4:45 hungover as all hell and frantic about missing our 5:00 a.m. team bus. He throws his stuff together but can’t find his tooth. So he has to check, y’know? Nauseous and near-puking, he looks in the can and sees a glimmer of steel from the retainer of his front tooth. ….And plunges his hand in. GAG.}
*****
Sharks/Wingys
Last night the Detroit Red Wings blew a two-goal lead at home to the always clutch, unwaveringly relentless Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau. You just can’t beat consistency when it comes from team leaders. (“…well you should, cause I’m layin’ it on pretty thick.”)
Great goal.
Frankly, Jimmy Howard let them down. I don’t care how many great saves he made over the course of the night – the Shark’s first tally in the dying seconds of the first period was a terrible, momentum-swinging moment, and the goal line sneaker is, as usual, frowned upon.
For my money, Marleau wasn't NEARLY excited enough after scoring.
I swear to god, when it was 2-0 Wings I almost tweeted “Was there anyone out there who didn’t think the Wings were going to pump San Jose tonight?” And really, it still would’ve been a fair question. Didn’t we all think that the first game at the Joe was going to be an “oh yeahhhh, now I remember, the RED WINGS, right…” night?
But San Jose didn’t give up against a tough team in their home barn, and the big boys answered the bell when it was rung. If you’re a Bill Simmons reader, you know the value of them somehow having the “no one believed in us” factor (the same way the Coyotes did), despite being a one seed. That’s a dangerous combination, no?
Two things:
1) Sometimes when a team is down 3-0, you can pretty much stop watching the series. But with the reputations of these two teams (choking dogs, straight-up winners, respectively), doesn’t this kinda fit the formula for a series that could still get real scary, real quick, IF yaknowhatImean? I say the Red Wings win the next game handily, like, 4-1 or so, just to make even the most ardent Sharks supporter poop just a little.
2) In fairness, San Jose does look like the team who’ll be moving on, which makes me uber-excited for the Western Conference finals. Either series would be awesome (vs. Van or vs. Chi), because all three teams have fan bases and teams that can never seem to get over the hump, but deserve to. Looking into the future: I think I’d pick the Sharks to beat Chicago, but not Vancouver. I’ll explain when the time comes.
Pitt beats Montreal two-spit
Thus far, this series is only interesting for Penguins and Habs fans, which is probably somewhere near 50% of the total fans of the sport thanks to bandwagonners and traditionalists. Watching the Habs is like watching a cup-winning Devils team, only without the confidence.
And really, that’s it: Montreal is playing this well because they lack confidence (umm, and they’re smart), so that know they have to play the perfect team defensive game to have any hope. Whiiiiich they keep doing. So when they run into a hot (decent?) goalie, the mere 18 shots they’ve generated in two of the four games is simply not going to get it done, even with shutting down the Penguins high-flyin’ offense.
Just another Mexican-Alaskan spending the lockout in the ECHL
Sorry Habs fans, but you’ve got too much skill and talent on that team to be this boring. This isn’t who you are.
Last thought: How badly do you think Scott Gomez’s career highlight reel was squashed by being at his peak during “The Devils Years”? (Which is a memory that makes most hockey fans shudder). I may have said this before, but if I could pick any guy to carry the puck in on the powerplay, I’m going with him. He’s just so light on his skates, man.
*****
That’s all for today people. Join me at 1PM EST on Puck Daddy’s site for a playoff hockey chat. I’ll be saying things like “oh big time”, “but that’s just not true” and maybe even “arrrriba!” Don’t miss out.
The floor is now yours to discuss McCarty’s teeth.
I'm a hockey player turned writer. After playing for Alaska Anchorage in the WCHA (NCAA), I carried on with an NHL tryout (New York Islanders in 2007) before spending a couple seasons in the AHL/ECHL (last year was 2008-09). My father, Bob Bourne, won four Stanley Cups with the Islanders in the '80's, as did my fiancee's dad, Clark Gillies. I'm now the web editor for theScore's hockey blog "Backhand Shelf."
Yeah, a lot of us Habs fans are kinda mystified by that too. Why did Bobby G. put together a team of small, fast, skilled players and then hire Jacques “Wowsy Wowsy Woo Woo” Martin to coach them?
As a Sharks fan: (1) I agree with you about Marleau not wanting to celebrate his goals that much. But it does make when he does show emotion all that more special! (2) agree that if any team has the reputation to come back from an 0-3 deficit, it’d be the Red Wings. Just because only two teams have ever done it doesn’t mean a third one won’t come along this year, (3) funny, but I’d pick the Sharks to beat Vancouver but not Chicago.
In defense of defense:
I might just be a crazy person, but I’ve never quite understood why it is that “defensive hockey” equals “boring hockey.” Speaking as someone who’s never played (and so I might just be wrong about this), it seems to me that playing good, disciplined defensive hockey takes a lot of skill. I was a fan of the Devils in the mid-90s, because I was in awe of their ability to shut down high-scoring teams (at the same time I liked high-scoring teams like the Red Wings). Now, even though I’m a Pens fan, I am seriously impressed with the Habs’ ability to get sticks in shooting and passing lanes, to force turnovers in the neutral zone, to block shots, and the like. The Habs play smart: their ability to anticipate the play is really impressive, and so, to me, anyway, that’s exciting. To put it another way: I love watching Crosby hit the turbo button, split the D, and score a goal while falling to the ice. But I thought it was just as exciting last night when he anticipated a pass from beyond his own net and went sliding across the ice to break up the play. Both are great hockey plays and so, I think, both are exciting.
Regarding McCarty, I’d venture a guess that Versus requested he take them out for their show, for show. Or, probably, what you said.
How awesome is P.K Subban? That is all.
McCarty probably lost his teeth in Vegas!!!! BOOM!!!! and The wings need to atleast push it to seven and Zettersyuk needs to be dominant so my hockey pool wont be a complete write off!!
I was watching Versus very late last night and couldn’t figure out if McCarty didn’t have teeth or just had a hell of a gap. Thanks for the enlightment.
I so wish Versus would go announcers that were worth listening to! Most of the guy look like deer in headlights. Did you see how awkward Mike Keenan was? Now with bleeding gums murphy on TV.
Similar thing happened to me with my fake tooth retainer. I was sick one night and was using the toilet to “read a magazine” then had the urge to throw up and puked into the toilet. Needless to say I got a new retainer. Whenever I drank too much in college my firend would hold it for me when I threw up…kind of like a girl holding another girls hair. Makes for some good laughs now though.
@Sioux:
Hilarious. And on behalf of Justin (and channelling Bill Simmons): Yes, folks, those are my readers…
Oh, also, forgot to mention. I had to give a speech in class the next day. Luckily it was my speech to entertain, so with my buck teeth, my teacher told me to just tell that story and I’d be fine.
Agree that defensive hockey =/= boring hockey, though it certainly doesn’t help a team’s case is someone wants to claim boredom. But then I’ve cut my teeth as a hockey fan on a couple of teams that set the bar for defensive play.
In fact, I kinda hate the Habs, but their smart defense (even from that hack Pouliot!) are things that make me fall for a team so… I hate to admit it but those little squirts are kinda growing on me. Which means they are DOOOOOOOMED because I’ve run every other charming team out of the playoffs already.
Sharks are just lucky I can’t take a team from California wearing teal seriously.
Why do you have so little faith in the Hawks? If they were playing a group of 80 year old former Hockey players, you would pick them over the Hawks. Throw me a bone once in awhile!!
Crosby Walks into a bar and asks for an “Ovechkin”… The Bar Tender says whats that… Sid Says a White Russian with No Ice and No Cup!!!
Gee, ms.conduct, the Bruins are charming! Tuukka Rask, David Krejci, Vladimir Sobotka, Johnny Boychuk… charm galore. :-0
“Sharks are just lucky I can’t take a team from California wearing teal seriously”
LOL agreed ms. conduct!
I agree, the Habs are boring to watch right now and they’ve managed to make two of the most exciting teams in the East into fairly boring shows. Still, gotta give them a lot of credit for taking a knife into a gun fight and doing pretty much the only thing they can do to win, and doing it well. I can’t see them beating Pittsburgh because they aren’t as one-dimensional as the Caps but in my opinion the Habs have already made it clear they can theoretically do to Pittsburgh what they already did to the Caps.
Interesting little article about the Kostitsyns that includes a very telling exchange between Sergei and Price: http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=320542
eeeuuuwww I was just waiting for dinner to come out of the oven and made the bad decision to read the comments. All the pukin stories made me lose my appetite…thanks peeps!
The Habs are growing on me, too. I’m a sucker for an underdog and a gap toothed smile.
I love good defense. A flurry of blocked shots gets me screaming like a crazy person…maybe that’s because I tend to root for the underdog and my team of choice is generally fighting for their lives. What is WRONG with me?
You’re weird.
If you’ve left a comment on this blog that says “I like defense”, that was for you. You. Are. Weird.
what’s with all the crazy quilt gravatars all of a sudden?
“Sharks are just lucky I can’t take a team from California wearing teal seriously”
Too bad the Ducks dumped the eggplant before they won the Cup.
That would have been sweet!
I totally agree with PVergiliusMaro a great offensive paly is great to watch, but a great defensive paly is just as great to watch. Just a s a great save is great to watch.
I love it when an offensive guy hops over the boards and the opposing D thinks “crap, here they come” but to see Lidstrom, Chara, Pronger, Volchenkov, hop over the board and watch the opposing “O” go ( crap now we’re never getting into that slot again” or “crap he’s gonna block every shot I make” is just as amazing…
Basically I get twice the enjoyment out of the same game as those that only wanna see goals scored… :p
Great defenseman are positionally sound and rarely have to recover. So if “wow, he stood in just the right place there!” Gets you off, more power to ya!
The other d-man we love and place on a pedestal (orr, coffey, bourque) were offensive dynamos.
But it’s not just standing in the right place–there isn’t a lot of standing in hockey. The ability to move with the play, to stay with something that’s developing at rapid pace on the ice, is impressive. And when it isn’t skating, it’s falling–I agree with minnesotagirl71 that shot blocking is exciting (if nothing else, the potential for blood is high!)–or hitting, or grinding along the boards. Defensive play happens in a small smaller space than flashy offensive play–no doubt about it–so it’s not as obvious. And good defense shuts down those long stretch passes and odd man rushes. I don’t disagree that defensive play shuts down some exciting offensive play. But if a team gives up a lot of odd-man rushes and the like, don’t we say that they aren’t playing well? So good defense has to be part of good hockey. And I like to watch good hockey.
We place offensive D-men on a pedestal in part because they show up on the score sheet, and so their names are mentioned a lot in recaps of the game. Consequently, those are the names that people know. Defensive D are unsung heroes; it’s harder to quantify what they do, so they don’t get written or talked about as much. That doesn’t mean they aren’t awesome.
Hey, s’okay to be weird buddy.
Run with it.
There are too many goalies(myself included) or goalie appreciaters among the Bourne faithful to not expect a love of smart structured defence.
I’ll just assume all pro-defense comments come from people who are drunk.
In an unrelated story, I’d kill for the Isles to get Volchenkov this summer. (read: I know you need it, and I value it. I just don’t think skilled players choose to be “defensive specialists”, so I don’t glorify it. That, or I’m drunk.)
The thing is, I don’t think good defense has to mean boring hockey. There’s a lot of excitement in seeing two teams go back and forth and create a number of great chances that are broken up by smart defense. It’s chances and pace that make for an exciting game, not just scoring. A 2-1 game with a lot of up-and-down play, hitting, tough battles, and guys laying out to break up plays? Awesome. And that menas that when the shots come, it’s because the offense made great plays (Versteeg’s goal off the pass in game 2, as you pointed out JB). And then on top of that, if the keepers are sharp you get all of that plus a fantastic save and guys flying around for rebounds and putbacks.
If I’m drunk, then I’m drunk on the Lord’s Own Hockey, my friends.
Plus I’m with Richie – I really appreciate it when my guys are doing well in front of me.
Ahhh, tequila sunrise, good choice this morning my friend.
Wait… are all my readers goalies? *searches for a long belt and a high place*
I’m weird – I own it.
But did anyone see the Wild kill off a 5 on 3 penalty at the end of March? Same three guys on the ice for the full two minutes – Koivu, Burns and Zanon (playing with a broken ankle = Cyborg). Who can watch that and say defense is not exciting?!
http://wild.nhl.tv/team/console.jsp?catid=842&id=64362
Ohhhh my goddd stop this. Defense RULES.
Ohhhh my goddd stop this. Defense RULES.
Anyway, final note: our wires are crossed here: Good team defense (Montreal in playoffs = boring) vs. great individual defensive plays, like breaking up a 2 on 1 (which come with bad team defense = not boring).
Rob Scuderi FTW
Rob Scuderi FTWTF.
Proud to be weird, drunk, and a lover of (team!) defense. Also, loving this blog.
You couldn’t have been more dead on about game 4 in Detroit Justin…