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Chris Chelios: Double U. Tee. Eff?

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{Qualifier: the author of this blog respects the career and accomplishments of NHL great Chris Chelios.  But, you know… come on now.}

Okay, let’s talk about this:  Does he need money, or hate his family? 

Give me a third possible reason for why he’s still playing, and know that saying “for the love of the game” will get you called an idiot.  Unless of course, you’re right, in which case I’ll call him one.  Someone’s gettin’ called an idiot here.

Can I get a review from someone who actually got to watch his game last night? 

I only saw the ESPN highlight package like a lot of you, where they mispronounced his name (like he hasn’t been a Hall-of-Famer since the early fourties), showed a clip of the bad-bounce-off-his-leg goal, a clip of a bad pinch/slow chase, and then ran his “dash one” stat line before moving on to an extended segment of women’s Div. III bowling or whatever it is they prefer to cover.

You know what stat-line I wanna see?  His pension.  What does 26 NHL seasons (x) ”lots of money” pay out when you retire?  Probably still “lots of money”, right?  He played during the financial glory days.  ….and the decade before those glory days.

Also from the “things I want to see” file, is him sharpening knives on his 100% rawhide leather face.  But I doubt they’ll show either of those things.

Twitter blew up after Chelios finally re-cracked the big leagues.  And why not?  It must have been so exciting for Mr. Chelios to get a chance to play at the same level with NHL heroes of his like Rob Schremp, Carlos Gunnarson and Vern Fiddler.

Here’s a few of finest #CheliosIsSoOld jokes Twitter folk were dropping:

#CheliosIsSoOld he tried to block the shot that killed Lincoln.

#CheliosIsSoOld when he was a kid, rainbows were black and white.

 #CheliosisSoOld That the Thrashers are changing the name of their arena to the Jurassic Center.

 #CheliosIsSoOld his first call to the NHL was delivered by a burning bush.

  #CheliosIsSoOld He has a bowl of Werthers Original at his locker, just in case the kids stop by.

 #CheliosIsSoOld that he himself was the greatest thing before sliced bread was invented.

and my personal fave….

#CheliosIsSoOld that his last hip check was at the Orthopedist’s office.

Ahhhh, classic.  Just classic.

*****

How much has the one-timer been revolutionized by Ilya Kovalchuk, Alexander Ovechkin, and most recently Steven Stamkos? (Who, by the way, should be just about ready to drop the “n” and go with Steve.)

A one-timer used to be a way to shoot while the goalie was moving, so there’d be more holes to hit.  But guys couldn’t knock precise one-timers of the post-crossbar elbow like they can now, even as recently as a decade ago.

First off, these guys wheelhouses are about half-a-zone big, compared to someone like myself, where, if the pass isn’t exactly one inch ahead of the direct center of my one-time stance, somebody is getting hit in the neck.  They can pure the thing from anywhere.

And if the person passing puts it ahead of them, and slow enough that they can adjust, holy-good-night-crap-bricks, they damn near put it through the goalies chest with that little bit of all-star-contest-skate-into-it speed.

It’s going to become a standard feature of every new prospect from here forward, like power windows.  If you can’t bomb the one-tee, you can’t score goals.

{Semi-tangent:  Remember how great it was in the NHL 90-whatever games, that you could hit pass-then-shoot, and it’d pass the puck to the best choice guy then bomb a one-timer?  Every goal was a one-tee.  Back-hand slapshot, top corner…. it didn’t matter.  There was no other way to score, unless it was 93, in which case you could just skate across the crease and the goalie would get stuck on the post.}

Disclaimer: the maker of the following vid seems to be pro-Ovechkin’s slap shot.  Call it a hunch.

 

Definitely.

 Really, just go have a YouTube party watching those guys shoot.  I may add more later in the day.

 

*****

TGIF – Have a great weekend everyone!

Comments

13 Responses to “Chris Chelios: Double U. Tee. Eff?”
  1. St. Cloud Gopher says:

    Thanks for keeping me entertained through the first 2 days of the Minn. HS hockey tourney.
    Just to pimp some stuff, we’ve had local legend Tom Saterdalen with is (5-time state champion coach of Jefferson HS) and Reed Larson, who, crazy enough, played with the Gophers before signing with Detroit after he was suspended for direct contact with a WCHA official. He’s 53 (Larson) and still scares me.
    (By the way, we had Langevin last year, but not this time. Bummer.)

  2. Jhett says:

    I though tthe funniest part about what Sportscenter was saying about Chelios was that he has played more than twice the amount of games as the Thrashers franchise! Wow.

  3. Steve C. says:

    He’s still playing………..wait for it………..for the love of the game!

  4. Frank says:

    Justin, you need to put a warning at the beginning your blog instructing people not to drink any beverage while reading it due to a choking hazard caused by bouts of laughter…..very funny today. My sinus cavity hates you……

    If any of you have not seen this yet, I found this news article very amusing…..

    http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_14644093/

  5. Stamkos for the Richard Trophy? Gotta be up there for the Hart if Tampa make the play-offs! What a difference a good coach can make – Tocchet has helped this kid flourish!

    I nearly choked on my coffee when I heard Sport Centre was going to have Barry Melrose tell us who would (and wouldn’t) make this years post season….

  6. Rudy says:

    Chelios ain’t playing for the money. He’s earned $50 mil since ’89 and he played 7 or 8 seasons before that. Plus his bars here in Detroit are packed mist of the time.

    http://bit.ly/aTueRn

  7. Will77 says:

    I like “Chris Chelios is so old, when he was a kid Gordie Howe wore a Chelios jersey”

    Maybe his wife nags him all the time, so the last time she said “Chris, go bring the garbage out to the curb”, he decided a curb in Atlanta would be ideal.

  8. I heard Chelios told his wife he was just popping out for some milk and has been gone ever since

    It was just after the Leafs won their last Cup…

  9. Neil says:

    “if the pass isn’t exactly one inch ahead of the direct center of my one-time stance, somebody is getting hit in the neck.”
    that and “holy-good-night-crap-bricks” cracked me up
    Am I the only one who thinks Chris “Danza” Chelios f-cking rules for grinding out another NHL season in the modern era at 48? Or is this just an Atlanta Thrashers ploy to sell tickets that Chelios should be ashamed of being a part of?

  10. Jeff K says:

    Ovie can shoot sure…. but how much street-er-I mean ice cred did Weber get for putting it THROUGH the net?

  11. Ohio says:

    Okay so Chelios is and American and you don’t like him Bourne. Chelios is the man and you should be happy he didn’t get moved to Phoenix because he would probably run off with Bri. Because she woule probably rather date an old NHLer than some ECHLer who never made it. PERIOD

  12. Ohio says:

    an*….would*…excuse my typos I get a little upset when anyone takes shots at Chelios!

  13. P. D. says:

    Ohio why don’t you go take a long walk off a short pier you eThug. Don’t come on here and say something about a guy’s soon to be wife just because he made a funny blog entry about a guy who should probably hang them up. I know it’s the internet, but try to keep family shots out of it. Are you related to Chelly or did he save your cat from out of a tree or something? And as far as the dig about JB “not making it”, at least he tried and can look back on it fondly. Unlike you, last picked for every school yard game.

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