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You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression

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One year ago today, I proposed to my fiance.  Then that inconsiderate a-hole Michael Jackson went and died and stole our thunder.  Bastard!

Anyway, it’s been a great year, nice to have ya’ll along for the ride.  Love ya Breezy B.

*****

It’s draft day.  Ohmigod ohmigod.  A lot of us who need stuff to write about have been looking forward to this for a long time.  Taylor Hall to the Blue Jackets! Jason Spezza to the Yankees!  WONT SOMEBODY TRADE FOR TOMAS KABERLE?

So, for today’s special draft day installment of BB, I’m gonna do what I do best – get unnecessarily judgemental on undeserving teenagers.  The following are my initial thoughts on the personalities and public appearances of Team Tyler and Team Taylor, based on nothing but the cummulative 10 minutes of interviews (combined) that I’ve actually taken the time to watch.

***

(Team) Tyler Seguin

Oooooh boy.

Okay, so the picture is a bad start.  Let’s start on the right foot before we address that.

Of all the prospects being put through this weird guantlet of media misery, Tyler Seguin seems to be (by far) the most personable, intelligent, and comfortable.  I’d even say sharp and smart.  Annnnd somewhat aware that he’s those things.

As a guy who spends the majority of his columns begging guys to show the personalities I know exist from being in the dressing room, far be it from me to ask him to be anything but his engaging, outgoing, awesome self. 

What worries me, is when he reaches ”I’m finally good enough at the NHL level to stop saying all the right things” status.  You get the impression that, given an injection of truth serum and a shot of whiskey (redundant?), he’d be saying “For eff’s sake, how can you pick this Hall kid over me!  Look at his dumb face!  Look at my awesome one!  I got this!  SHOW ME THE MONEY!”

Of course, those aren’t his words, and he may be a very nice guy.  May be.

On the other hand, he may have his own last name tattooed on his triceps.  Oh, he does?  Oh my.  Let’s check the scoreboard:

Players I’ve played with that have their own names tattooed on them: Let’s say, three per team since junior, 10 years of teams, let’s say 30 guys.

Players I’ve liked that have their own names tattooed on them:  Let’s see, Ciocco, Tassone…. um…. Hart, don’t you have one?  Let’s leave it at three.

So, according to my math, that arm tattoo leaves a meager 10% chance that he’s a guy I’d like.  And if you enjoy my blog, in turn, like a 10% chance he’d be the type of guy you’d like.

This is some scientific shit right here.

{Note: I want to be wrong about this.  I’m gonna have to cover this guy for years, and like I said, he seems sharp.  Maybe he’s in that 10%!}

***

(Team) Taylor Hall

Front left

Good ol’ Taylor Hall is front left in that picture. 

And while I’ve made cracks about the guy before (I believe something about him endorsing oat bags, there was a “one-horse race for #1 overall” comment I approved, and as of this morning, I laughed at a ”Hall & Oats” reference), he really looks nothing like a horse.  Aside from being huge and powerful.  And looking like a horse.  There’s that.

In his interviews, he appears to pick up on jokes about as well as Duncan Keith picks up on “your speech is too long” music.  He seems slightly more interesting than white rice, but not in a “Benihana fried rice with a stick of butter, eggs, chicken and peas” kind of way, and more in a “this soy sauce makes this tolerable” kind of way.

That said, he also seems like a harmless, farm boyish Canadian with no desire to end up in the tabloids for dating other celebrites (like Seguin does here), as in, he’s the perfect fit for the city of Edmonton.  As a GM, you can be sure he’ll show up confident but humble, and put in a sincere effort everyday.  Yes, I gleaned that from like eight minutes of interviews.

Having seen Hall and Seguin play a combined zero shifts that weren’t highlights of goals, I’ve formed this opinion: he doesn’t look like someone I’d want to play.  He skates like an, um, Clydesdale.

*****

In other,  far less judgemental news, trades talks are like me as Kevin Johnson in NBA Jam – “theyy’re, HEATING UP!” (Too much coffee today).

So today’s the big day – picks, trades, chaos.

We’ll use the comment section to discuss trades as they happen.  In the meantime, you can join me on a day-long chat for Puck Daddy, held at Yahoo!’s “Buzzing the Net” (junior hockey blog).  I’ll be there, y’know, being judgemental again (9 am PST start).

*****

Have the greatest weekend ever!

For another Bri/JB picture, click here.

Comments

27 Responses to “You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression”
  1. Sandwiches1123 says:

    I am glad I follow you on twitter. I would have missed a reference to NBA JAM! Boy how I miss that game.

  2. ms.conduct says:

    “Look at his dumb face! Look at my awesome one!”

    I can’t keep their names straight because, being neither a Grease nor Bruins fan, I don’t really give a crap about them. So, I just call them Hottie and Dork.

    Hottie’s gonna be Kane 2.0, right? But with the actual looks to support the cockiness…

    But whatever. Jack Campbell’s the one I’m watching.

  3. jtbourne says:

    No idea, but he seems to think so….

  4. Joe G. says:

    Hall’s got that Frankenstein forehead shelf going. Must put quite a strain on his helmet. He’d give Eric Daze a run for his money in the Mr. Ed lookalike contest.

  5. Alanna says:

    I don’t think Hall is bad looking really, just not very photogenic. I do think it’s mean to make fun of a kid for his appearance though since there is nothing he can do about it. He could have the actual face of a horse and girls would still throw themselves at him ’cause it looks like he has a good chance to make it in the big show. God that kid has some moves and he’s tough as nails. I don’t know what to make of Seguin just yet. I reeeally like Cam Fowler and some team is going to be really lucky to grab him. Best playoff beard goes to Gormley. With facial hair like that at his age he is made for the playoffs. Impressive that he played so well with so little oxygen.
    Campbell needs to learn how to not be a shootout choke show….he was a disaster in the WJ’s.

  6. Joe G. says:

    It is mean, but as Justin can attest to, anything we say is probably nothing compared to the ball busting he probably already has gotten and will get from his teammates in the locker room. I’ve heard some just god awful, cross the line comments made in locker rooms, but you develop pretty thick skin over the years.

  7. Anna S. says:

    I think we can agree that Hall is not photogenic. Very not photogenic. Anti-photogenic, if you will.

    But the dude scores crazy goals, and puts up very sexy points on the board. I’m not a fan of any team that is likely to draft him (heh heh, my team won the Stanley Cup, what did your team do lately?), but given that prejudice, he’s still the top guy I’d grab if given the chance. My team won’t be given that chance, but hey. I can still say he’s a good player.

    Hockey talent doesn’t depend on looks. Extreme talent can make a really ugly guy sort of hot (see also: Pavel Datsyuk). And if I was a fan of a team that was getting Hall, I couldn’t be happier.

  8. mikeB says:

    reaching back to yesterday the futurama eps were pretty good. #2 better than #1… More Zap > Less Zap

    they are online at ninjavideo.net (or at least were yesterday afternoon, before they went on tv)

  9. airborne moose says:

    “gee george, i just wanted to shoot the puck george. i didnt mean to hurt the little defe-defen-defe-little guy in the way george. George, can i shoot the puck now?”…..or would the coach be asking hall…”stomp twice if you understand!”

  10. neil says:

    Somebody at the pub the other night pointed out that if you gave Taylor Hall a good wig, a little make-up, and a shave, he’d look like Topanga from Boy Meets World. Ok it was me. There’s some serious photoshop potential there.

    So pumped for Futurama’s return, I agree MikeB, episode 2 was a lot better (thank god, because I found #1 to be pretty weak and not very Futurama-ish, and it was a bit tough to take as the first step of their epic return).

  11. Goody says:

    Today, Hall is one step closer to the NHL… one step closer to losing the cage and the prospect (hope) of having a Duncan Teeth er… Keith like opportunity of being able to pick a new smile.

  12. josh ciocco says:

    As soon as I read the title of this blog I feared the worst… I figured we haven’t played on the same team since 02-03 so you may have forgtten…obviously not the case…here is my reasoning, I wanted a tatoo, I’m italian- italian boot with my name in it-whammy! Ok, I haven’t gotten a tatoo since, young and a mistake. If your over say 21 and get the name tatoo then go ahead and label him a douche…

    On a not so defensive note- seguin is the real deal and the better player of the two. Hall has done to much not to justify going 1, and if edmonton doesn’t take him they will hear about it. With that being, if seguin played another year in the OHL hed have over 120 points (hall is a 91, seguin is a 92). I am biased because I work with an agent , and that agent happens to represent tyler seguin. He’s a good guy and has the swagger u love to see JB…

  13. Alanna says:

    Goody, FYI they don’t wear cages in the OHL.

  14. JIllian says:

    You really need to add a like button to the comments section… if that is even possible because Airborne Moose’s comment made me laugh so hard I almost fell out of my chair… I am sure I will be still laughing about it in an hour.

  15. Char says:

    Poor Taylor. He really isn’t that bad-looking; it’s true – he’s just horribly non-photogenic.

    As for Seguin, I’ll forgive the name tattoo because:

    “Me and my dad always talked about it. I was 16, I wanted a tattoo. Something meaningful. I always want to wear my heart on my sleeve. Family, heart, passion, all that stuff. So I decided to get it on my sleeve,” he said.

    Some guys get family crests, coats-of-arms, whatever. He gets his family name. I think that’s kind of sweet, actually.

  16. Chris w says:

    I have met Seguin several times(I am a Plymouth Whalers season ticket holder) and he is a legit good guy. I have a 4 year old and 9 month old sons and the 4 year old always gets excited to see him because Tyler always treats him like he is his buddy, and he is geunine about it. You can always tell when it is fake and it is real and it is definately real!

  17. jtbourne says:

    Nice! Thanks Chris w

  18. Nathan says:

    Mr. Bourne, doesn’t your fiance ever ask/tell you to wash that grease streak (upside down Hitler?) off the underside of your bottom lip? Or is she part of the problem too? She seems just too sensible to have such poor judgement.

  19. kitten fister says:

    Nathan, you mean his nut duster?

  20. jtbourne says:

    MAN I’m sexy.

  21. Nathan says:

    The following comment may have possible maybe been sort of edited.

    Nah, you are Bourne. And honestly, I spend most of my time dealing with my own insecurities anyways. Can you send me some pictures of your pretty girlfriend? One of those must be super-neat to have!

  22. Nathan says:

    Hahahaha!!

    And I hope we’re sharing in the irony ;)

  23. jtbourne says:

    Haha, well done, buddy.

  24. Christianson10 says:

    Haha i laughed so hard at what you changed Nathan’s post too…Also laughed pretty hard at the gross violation of your second picture with Bri

  25. Char says:

    Bruins get Seguin – I am so psyched for rookie camp it’s not even funny. :-)

  26. Sioux in the Cities says:

    Get excited about Brock Nelson, that kid is a stud!

  27. Madeleine says:

    Hahaha, nice linked photo.

    Since the Leafs gave up any chance of an interesting draft pick, my only interest in this draft was which team got which hot kid. Of the five in that photo, Erik is the hottest, then Tyler, then Cam, then Taylor, then Brett. I’d love it if the kids were ranked based on eye candy appeal. :)

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