A Completely Batshit Crazy Blog Entry

New Puck Daddy: In honor of Taylor Hall’s first goal, a discussion on the Art of Redirecting the Puck

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I LOVE this character on Family Guy

As per the headline, this is gonna sound batshit crazy, but hear me out.

So, here what I want when I die:

I want there to be some sweet afterlife where the-god-of-your-choosing has a huge stack of lists.  Maybe they’re digital, that’d make more sense for saving space, actually.  …Come to think of it, I bet he’d have sick technology.

I want those lists to be about every human that’s ever lived, and contain something similar to ratings from an NHL video game, so we can see what we were given to work with in our lifetimes at EVERYTHING. 

Like, maybe I was given the most jai alai talent in the world, and god’s gonna be like “Aw, DUDE! How could you not have tried it ONCE, you’d have discovered your gift in a second!  There was this one time, this guy was going to invite you (shows a clip of a guy going to ask me to play jai alai) and look!  He sees you pick your nose and turns around.  You coulda been the best, man.”

(Seinfeld: “it was a scratch!”)

Maybe there’s some guy in Africa who would’ve been the best hockey player in the world, but just never got the chance to play.

You were useless. Just truly an embarrassment.

Then I want there to be the real lists, that show how we stack up all-time at the things we actually did partake in (and not just sports). 

Like, am I in the top five percentile of people who drive well with their knees?  Where do I rank in total-time-in-the-shower?

The third and final set of lists needs to be some sort of percentage ratio thing that shows your total-potential-achieved. 

As in, maybe I was given bottom-ten percent writing ability, but given that I made a living at it, I maxed it out.  Which gifts did I waste most?

It’d be fun just to have the raw data.  Ounces of beer consumed?  Most burgers nommed?  Gimme the digits here, who rode the most elephants?

This guy here, this guy's got LISTS. /Gruden'd

I want to die, meet this guy, and have him be like. “Check. This. Out, dude.  Complete, comprehensive lists.  You were a fucking HORRIBLE volleyball player.”

…See. I told you it was going to sound batshit crazy. 

But still. ….I just really wanna know where I rank in all-time total-feet-I’ve-thrown-a-baseball, total-times-hitting-enter-on-a-keyboard and a million other things.

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Moving on here….

Go read Bill Simmons column on the Miami Heat, Lebron and Wade, and what he thinks is going on with that team.  I know you’re “sick of hearing about the Heat,” but they’re intensely interesting, and this is the best article I’ve read on where they’re at.

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And now, your moment of zen.  After Seguin scores…. 

Holy Wars

Thank God the Baltimore Ravens didn’t win the AFC Championship game.  Do you realize what would have happened?  Catastrophe, thats what.  I don’t mean catastrophe in the hyperbolic sense like “ohmygod Renne Zellwegger’s dress at the golden globes was a catastrophe”.  I mean like, tsunami’s and hurricanes would have wiped out Tampa Bay.  Haven’t you thought of this?  It’s God’s two favourite teams.  You can’t make Him choose between his two favourite sons (after Jesus).  I think he would’ve called the game on account of thestadiumdoesn’texistanymore (worse than hail).  If Kurt Warner thanks Jesus one more time I’m gonna be like a one man tsunami all up in his business.  Hi-yah!  I just can’t take it.  And the Ravens have Ray Lewis.  Ray tends to thank God though, and Warner Jesus, so… I’m not exactly a priest/minister/pastor/reverend/father/padre guy, but I think that that final would have pitted Jesus against God, and what a grudge match that would have been!  Talk about “smash-mouth football” hey, Tom Jackson? (Say it again Tom, and see what happens.  Yeah.  Hi-yah! to you too)   And after the game, they could all brush the mud off, have a laugh, and tend to the flock.  And by flock I mean Ray Lewis’ 6 kids with 5 women.  (Hypocrises 5:2 “For he whose team I cheer for most may have great success; spread the word of my name and thy shall be acquitted of all murder charges)

Breaking news from Trisha Takinowa for Canadians:  The NFL is really great.  I know the CFL is a lot of fun.  I like the Roughies and Lions, which means I’m a fan of one quarter of the league.  I like my odds of my team doing well.  But this league has a whole bunch of teams from all sorts of places.  It’s pretty cool.

Dear The Entire United States:  The NHL is really great.  I know you’ve got a lot going on.  And with global warming, you’re pretty much out of places that can have ice (PS. please slow global warming.  And then call China and see if they want to too.  Maybe it’ll be like the bridge thing.  Look, Canada jumped!).  But you can make ice indoors with fancy machines.  I have a selling point, wait:  White guys can be good at it too!  It’s a fast, tough, smart sport (with exceptions) that rewards quick thinking and decision making along with athleticism.  I think that’s where you’re getting things messed up.  I know you like to call a play and have a commercial break.  But it’s pretty exciting to watch if you can figure it out.  Try it on for size again, there’s some Crozvechkin kid that’s supposed to be rrreally fast.

*Post blog afterthought.  Does Kurt Warner really play for the Cardinals? They should move the Vatican and be the Vatican Cardinals, and they wouldn’t even have to sign a new QB.  When God makes final judgement on what play to call next, white smoke comes outta that little chimney over there.