The National (that nation being Canada) Hockey League

 

I’m amazed the NHL can’t get so much as a shift televised on ESPN.  They cover bowling, that spelling bee, dog show’s and pool.  And we can’t work out a deal to get a Capitals / Penguins game on ESPN 2 out of prime time?  Who’s doing the marketing for the NHL, the PBA?  They seems to be the only people benefitting from the NHL’s relative (inter)national obscurity.

ESPN would have to contribute zero to the process, just show the games.  Every single NHL game is televised somewhere, covered and commentated.  I bet you could sell these pre-packaged games to ESPN and the major networks, if only by re-opening dialogue on options for the 2009-2010 season. 

It’s official, they can no longer hold the lockout against us.  Baseball has had one, plus everyone seems to be catching that unfortunate bug in the air, steroids (wear a SARS mask).  The NFL can’t keep it’s players out of jail during the season (top stories: Michael Vick strangling dogs and Pacman Jones being photographed in more jumpsuits than an ’80′s workout tape).  The first 3 quarters of NBA games are as exciting as beige and Stephon Marbury’s attitude isn’t that far of an outlier from the common NBA demeanor.  I’m not saying it’s the best sport to watch, but I am emphatically saying it’s better than a substantial portion of what ESPN covers.

I bet the NHL could get ESPN to commit to a couple games in an email if they stated their case.  The quality of the game is up, fan interest is up, and it’s a tough era for ticket sales.  The problem lies in the stagnancy of the NHL leadership.  The US government is seeing change in policy with new leadership, and the NHL needs it too.  You know interest is under-represented in the US when I just spent 2 full months on the couch with a busted jaw staring at my idiot box, and the only thing I know about the NHL is Barry Melrose got fired and Ovechkin is sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

So!  That plan of attack.  Bettmann get’s the boot.  Who do we hire? (Put your hand down Melrose)  Is Brian Engblom’s hair available?  It seems to have things in order.  The new trend seems to be black guys.  Obama runs the country, Steele runs the Republicans and Tiger runs the PGA.  Should we call Jorges Laraque?  Who wouldn’t listen Gorgeous Jorges?  Hell, get Mark Cuban, I just want somebody with a little fire.  Bettman looks like a cross-breed between Droopy-Dog and Ziggy.  I’m just sayin, on the heels of a “hope and change” campaign in the US, I’m hopeful there can be change in the coverage of my beloved NHL.

    

Completely random tangent:  For those of you who grew up and made enough money to not eat Kraft Dinner anymore, I suggest “going college” one day and giving it another go (and I’d buy stock in Kraft and Campbell’s; dinner for 2 bucks can’t be all bad in our doom and gloom-conomy).  I had it today and man, was it good.  I even measured the proper amounts of stuff.  On the flipside, I’ve barely eaten solid food for two months, so a lunch review from me is like restoring the vision of a blind guy and asking him to describe the drive home.  I’m pretty sure the review  reads “5 stars!”.

   

Another random note: I found the picture of the bunny I wanted in my blog Every Blog Has It’s Day.  He’s second down, and loves garnish.

The Upside of Unhealthy Love

 

I love people who love sports.  A lot of people like sports.  But it’s those few die-hards that cross the line to “love” that makes watching fun.  And I’ve learned that it’s fun to be so committed to a team, or a game, or a program that if affects your mood for the night.  Sure, that means sometimes you get put in a funk on a night that could have been fun, but there’s nothing like your team winning on a night where people are primed to go out.

I learned from Keith Johnson in Utah.  I was always a sports fan, but I just watched, and picked the team I wanted to win any particular game with very little rhyme or reason.  Not KJ.  Red Sox, Giants, and UConn basketball, everybody else can burn in hell.  I lived with him in 07.  The Red Sox became World Champs, and the Giants won the NFL Championship.  You should see the video of him dancing on our coffee table after the Giants won.  He didn’t even enjoy the game, just sat there in silence, misery even.  It seemed inevitable that the Patriots would find some way to get it done.  He was so sick that the Giants were about to lose, and they were about to lose, that he didn’t even get up for the David Tyree catch, he was so certain it wasn’t really happening, or it was going to be overturned, something.

My Uncle Ken has been a fan of St. Johns basketball since they were, um, good.  I used to get St. Johns t-shirts for Christmas when I couldn’t have told you if it was a sports team or a religious figure.  These guys were clearly getting something out of their sick committments.  So I decided to make the leap.  And like some bad relationships, the good part is just so so good.

My teams are the Isles (shocker), the Jets (is it a problem that I like the Patriots too?  It’s tough not to love Boston sports), and the Mets.  It hasn’t been a pleasant ride recently with the Mets, what with the consecutive stomach punches they’ve dealt their fans in the last two seasons, but I’ve enjoyed the ride.  I always chuckle a bit when I walk into a deli in NY for lunch (which is daily when I’m there) and hear someone, in their best I-can’t-believe-that’s-not-a-parody-of-an-Italian, say:

“How bout the F#$%? Mets last night?”

When your team wins, it can change the whole mood of the day.  Have you ever been a part of a big group of people yelling at the TV and high-fiving?  On the togetherness scale it’s comparable to church.  Any game can be made interesting if somebody in the room truly cares.  People pick up on his energy and support him or her.  So why not be that guy?  Every time your team is on you can recruit new friends and fans, get into it, grab a beer!  I know I’ve got friends at home who are Canuck fans that truly care about the team’s success.  The difference, as a friend told me, is that no game makes you think  oh, oh this is good, oh, oh, this is bad more often than hockey.  The energy in a room full of true hockey fans is electric.

But the east coast is an amazing culture to root with.  The New Yorkers get a lotta bumps about being rude, but even when they’re nice it seems to comes off as rude.  I’ve found they’re no-less decent than my hometown of Kelowna.  In general it’s a smart, funny group that I really want on my team, even with having to listen to them pour abuse on Brett Favre like gravy on potatoes.

So I went from an ankle on board to the whole body, and I’ll be on the bandwagon through thick and thin.  When I move to Boston, I think it’ll be fun to argue with the mass-holes about both of our ridiculously over-budgeted teams.  I’ve got a Sox hat and a Green Monstah shirt, but not because I want the Sox to win, I just love the sports culture in Beantown.  It’s a young group of obsessive fans, and since I don’t hate the Red Sox (Yankees fans do that), they’re a fun group to drink with.  It’s a blast to have a sports conversation with people who know their stuff, and can personally call plays.

“Watch this, Strahan gets fired up after a pass down the field, he’ll go offside here”

TWEEET!  Offside.

Wow.

Go NY Jets-Mets-Isles!

You Should See How Fast I Can Blog

 

Whats with NFL hats, and why can’t they make a good one?  From what I’ve seen, the NFL is popular across America.  But it’s rare to see anyone under 30 who wears the hat of their favourite football team.  It would seem a hard hitting extra-macho game like football would have a lot of appeal to the young crowd.  Why then, has the NFL chosen to mirror the marketing technique of NASCAR, which from what I can tell is to recreate the experience of being at a rave, then stick that on the heads of its fans.  Major League Baseball sells hats by the bushel, largely because of their simplicity.  Nobody wants to walk around with flames on their head, with the exception of said NASCAR fans, with whom your safest bet is to not make a motion towards their PBR, and you’ll lessen the odds of them biting you. 

The New York Giants are the only team with a simple enough logo to work the MLB approach.  Put that NY on the front, put NFL on the back.  Make it blue.  Then sell the hat.  80% of people aren’t wearing baseball hats to represent their favourite team, they just want a good looking hat.  I wouldn’t worry about the other marketing practice of Major League Baseball, which is to make hats for thugs.  According to this crowd, the best hat is a flat brimmed arbitrarily coloured Yankees hat with the skyline of NYC on it.  Most of these will be stolen and not bought anyway, so think back to simple.  Face punch for that crowd.

In my life, I’ve owned (in chronological order, all pro-fit) baseball hats of the Pittsburgh Pirates, San Diego Padres, Baltimore Orioles, St. Louis Cardinals, and now, as I’ve gotten older and chosen to represent my favourite team, the New York Mets.  Which, coincidentally is the best style hat too, rock on orange and blue.  Random shout out to the Jays.

Now, on to more pressing issues.  Why won’t the person in the apartment below me remove the pumpkin from their deck?  I mean, I’m not exactly concerned about the re-sale value of my apartment, but I am a little hesitant about what that thing may have growing in it.  Yeah, you heard me. PUMPKIN.  You know, Halloween, end of October, that gourd. The pumpkin looks like Carrie Underwood caught it cheating.  Maybe next team it’ll think before it cheats.  If you read this, person, please. remove. the pumpkin.

Charlie Kronschnabel, my college roommate and current Iowa Chop (I literally think ”Chop” refers to pork chop.  Pretty sure their mascot is a pig.  Well done, Anaheim) wrote me today and reminded of one quick story I want to share.  In college, I took a course in Learning and Cognition.  Our professor was going over speed reading, talking about retention, it’s usefulness, if it’s possible, and its general pros and cons.  He moved on, and had started going over the next topic for a minute or so, when from the front-middle of the room, a hand arose. 

Professor:  “Yeah, Dan”

Dan:  “You should see how fast I can read”

Professor: “…….”

Dan:  “……”

And that was the conversation.  What?  These people are everywhere in college, and I just want to know, who are they?  They aren’t kids who need something explained better, or have some input.  From what I can tell, their own ego’s have them thinking that the Professor isn’t teaching, rather, they’re having a conversation.  What kind of family supports random outburts like this?  I really want to know what the kid thought might follow.  Like, the teacher was going to pull out a novel, the kid was going to look at a page, turn it quickly, then look up and say, see?  It reminds me of ”Look what I can do!” from Stewart on Mad TV.   For four years we would occasionally break the silence with “you should see how fast I can read”.  Ha….  I miss that.

Superfluous Superbowl Stuff

 

My thoughts on the non-game related Superbowl proceedings:

First, Snoop Dogg on the pregame show.  It’s usually awkward watching old white men deal with Snoop (though he’s getting better at figuring out how to act, they never will), but today was great.  Snoop had quality insight on the game, and then freestyled an entertaining little rhyme after Mortensens prompt that he “do a shnizzle rap” (embarrassing).  Ditka attempted one after.  Good times.

The most prominent thought I have from NBC’s coverage of the Superbowl and, well, themselves, is that they need to STOP IT.  The plugs for NBC shows are absolutely awful, and none had any segueway into them.  Just right out of the blue, they’d launch into a panel of what appeared to be sports pundits, which then turned out to be Some Gumbel, Jerome Bettis and the actors from Chuck.  Haha, it’s a blend of comedy, action and romance, I can’t wait.  I’m boycotting NBC (until they show something I want to see again).

*****

Kurt Warners wife got a full on makeover since they showed her all the time during Kurt’s last Superbowl.  Thanks, from all of us.

 

*****

I flipped to golf at some point (that point specifically being when they cut to the cast of the Fast and the Furious 4, including Vin Diesel), and David Feherty was commentating on a player who was dressed in a particularily ecclectic outfit saying “It looks the boy covered himself in glue and headed through a thrift shop”.  Fehrety is on my all-commentating team as a starter.

Why, when talking about the NFL overtime, does nobody propose the college system?  It’s intensely fair, with a rebuttal opportunity.  If not that system, how about making it not sudden death, but a time limit (5 minutes?) maybe?  Or you need six points to win?  There is no way the current system will last, because coin-toss, three first downs, field goal, is not a fair indicator of the better team.

Sarah Palin had to chime in.  She makes me laugh out loud.  America LEARN from your mistakes.  Bush was a closed-minded, uneducated, under-qualified President coming into his first term (and possibly coming out of his last).  Can we please dismiss her now and find some other “front-runner” to lose to Obama in 2012?  Start grooming Bobby Jindal now, he’s your best hope. 

I can’t believe Journey is still eating off their old music.  I had never seen the lead singer until their performance today at the Superbowl.  Iced tea came out my nose.  Their music is tailor-made for an 80′s movie montage.

Things I’ve enjoyed:  Zero gravity (they cut to an astronaut), Olbermann being kinda fun, Costas being smooth, NFL coaches sounding normal cause they weren’t defending their own team, Seth Meyers thoughts,  Brian Williams personality and my last minute decision to bet on the game, taking the Steelers minus 7.

Things I didn’t enjoy:  Bruce Springsteen’s interview in the pre-game show (does everyone go through a crazy phase or something?), Sarah Palin, Bill Belichicks current haircut.

Okay, game time!

Wordplay

 

Today I placed some premiere Superbowl bets.  One of my wagers is on who the Superbowl MVP will thank first (I didn’t take God because I don’t think the Cardinals will win, therefore Warner won’t get the Mic).  Other bets placed include what colour the gatorade dumped on the winning coach will be (orange) and an over/under on John Madden food references (I took the under on 1.5 and immediately regretted it).  How great is that?  I couldn’t damn well figure out who to put my money on, so I opted for the ridiculous bets.  I plan on fully enjoying the game.  Another offered category was an over/under on the amount of times they show Kurt Warners wife.  Curious that they seem to do this so much.  I mean, I get it if they’re hawking Mrs. Tiger Ohmygodshe’shot, but Mrs. Warner?  I mean… Kurt has a trophy wife too, but apparently it wasn’t first place. Ohhh, that’s not fair, I kid.  Plus, that joke is a blatant rip-off from Steven Wright (“the weather here has been crazy, it’s like the earth is bipolar”.  He’s got some great one-liners).  Anyways, the fun for me on Superbowl Sunday is going to be rooting for orange Gatorade and for Madden to keep his love of fried foods suppressed until commercial breaks.

How about David Justice this week.  In  regards to steroid accusations, he recently told a reporter: ”thats a bald-faced lie”.  Bald-faced?  Maybe he feels that lies from a shaven face are more vicious than ones from a bearded man?  How did he feel about the ”Mission Accomplished” part of Bush’s tenure as President?  Would it have hurt less had Grizzly Adams been standing under the sign?  HommeeeRunnn.

Sure, people in sports say ridiculous things (and they all have to pay royalties to Sean Avery when they do).  But what rattles me is how often people use sports metaphors that don’t seem to go as planned.  One of my  favourite songs by The Postal Service is “Nothing Better”.  But it drives me hair-pulling insane that in trying to stop a girl from leaving him, he says “And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net / In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry”  Tending … goalie… quarter… wait.  What?  What sport could he possibly have been thinking of?  Sports have lingos.  The soccer field?  Call it a pitch.  You call a segment of a baseball game an inning.  And you describe a guy like Troy Aikman as queer as a football bat.  There’s a few terms to know, thats all. 

Even a great writer and sports fan like Mitch Albom stumbles occasionally.  He recently wrote a wonderful article in Sports Illustrated on Detroit fans (and the city), describing them as scrappy, hard working fighters (I assume he’s referring to the remaining population, while the rest ambled to a town with people, jobs and sunshine).  In describing the  hockey passion of the city, he says something along the lines of  ’what other entire city erupts when that blue light goes on?”  Every single reader in Canada just went “the goal light is red, bud”.  This is the stuff that I’m going to be yelling when I’m wearing that really nice jacket my kids got me, you know, that stark white one with the buckles, straps and funny sleeves?  Alright, I’m done ranting.

Lastly, I’ll just say that Chris Berman is one of the best sports personalities left on television (with Skip Bayliss as the worst).  He’s the most level-headed, entertaining mediator in football, earning him a spot on the 21st century’s all-broadcast team, with nominations to Ron McLean of CBC, Bob Cole and Harry Neale of Hockey Night in Canada (both have made every all-broadcast teams from the 1840′s to present) and Dick Vitale of AnythingHeSaysIsFunny.  I spent a little time in the Idaho Steelheads booth with a banged up knee this year as the colour guy, and it’s a blast.  I got good reviews, but I don’t think I was making any of the greats nervous.  Plus, Vitale sets the bar so damn high.  Get a load of this guy:

My vote for worst Dicky V was George Karl’s high-pitch rendition.  But come on.  This guys a legend!  Random shout out: Neal DeGrasse Tyson for another awesome interview on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  He’s the Dick Vitale of Astronomy.

And lastly, a friend just sent me this link.  Now here’s the best speecher in America.

Aw, Sidney. You're A Good Boy.

 

I figured it out Canada.  I know why hockey isn’t being embraced by the rest of the world (read: the United States).  Personality.  Thank God Ovechkin showed up, he’s given our game a chance.  The problem started with great ambassadors to the game like Gretzky.  Sure, the Gretzky trade to L.A. was probably the single biggest influence in bringing the game to Americans, but it wasn’t his playing or his personality that damped enthusiasm.  It was his level of class.  

It didn’t do harm in his era, because there was still a volume of loud mouth entertainers playing at the same time (Tiger Williams used to ride his stick.  Actually.  That happened).  The  problem became that kids grew up idolizing Wayne and in turn were speaking with respect about their opponent and modestly about their own contributions. I respect Gretzky’s public persona, and wish we could sell that game to the US without a little unnecessary flair, but I’m not sure it’s possible.  They love that stuff. 

Kids wanted to be Gretter.  And our parents wanted the same.  Whaaattt a wonnnderful example he set.  Cordial, polite and professional, he simply achieved the highest goal:  Win.  Facts and polite smiles at every turn.  Other leagues have their biggest stars saying the most obscene things and creating sub-plots fit for theatre (Slapshot reference: how about the implied storyline that never develops any farther then “He’s been living in semi-seclusion in Northern Quebec, Andre “The Poodle” Lessard…”).  These sub-plots are everywhere in hockey, but they exist behind closed doors.  Frankly, the media isn’t savvy enough to dig them up.  I think the guys covering the NFL wiretap the room or something.

But take Sidney Crosby, Gretzky’s protege.  What a player.  Whether you think he’s the best, or a baby, or whatever, you can’t deny that he’s good.  But he’s the last thing the NHL needed.  A superstar saying the right thing.  Sean Avery wasn’t a fair representation of the NHL (though he was of himself), but, man.  ESPN couldn’t get enough of this guy.  I literally didn’t know Mats Sundin played for the Canucks until I got home on the weekend.  But I knew how many pinstripes were on the suit Avery was wearing at his internship for Vogue.  I knew his dating history, his slightly effeminate manner for an agitator, and could have diagnosed him with a psychological condition. 

If Mike Comrie would say”I could care less that we lost, I’m going to Hannah Montana, er, Hillary Duffs birthday party tonight”, like he’s actually thinking, people might follow our game a bit closer.  Everyone in America cannot wait to hear what Terrell Owens says after he finishes a game with 1 catch for 8 yards.  It’s a soap opera.

(I enjoy both the hat, and that the clip helps my case at the start, in the middle, and to finish)

And thats whats lacking in our game.  We don’t need constant rule fixes, highlighted pucks or outdoor games (but those are great, keep those going).  The teams and the league need to stop worrying so much about bulletin board material.  You know, those apparently motivating comments like “The Islanders defence sucks” before you play the Islanders.  You know what?  The Islanders defence does suck.  Just because they know that you think it, doesn’t mean they can stop anything. 

This black-balling of flair from the game may be the NHL’s biggest turn-off, including Gary Bettman.  Coaches love to warn their team about the evils of disrespecting your opponent in the media and how it’s going to give them fuel.  It’s just not true.  Plus, you can respect your opponent and still say something interesting and relevant into the microphone can’t you?  Hockey definitely leads major sports in regurgitated answers.  Phrases like “gut check” are nauseasting.  I used to think it was because hockey players aren’t that smart (they aren’t), but I reeeeeaaalllly don’t think basketball or football players finished with higher GPA’s.  But it’s just not necessary to be so wary of what we say.  Never once in my career have a I thought “I can’t believe Steve Defenceman doesn’t think our team can score.  I’m gonna score so many more goals now to prove him wrong”.  I was already trying to score. 

Please, coaches, Gary Bettman, team captains… loosen up.  Let the fans see a little of that passion,  and a few of those storylines that stay buried.  I promise it will be more fun if they notice that right from the drop of the puck #17 has been clipping #22 in the mouth with his elbow everytime they line up for a face off.  I promise if will be more fun if more people notice your game.  Enough Sidney.  You’re a good boy.  You’re a good boy.

     Okay, maybe we could use a liiiittle censorship. 

I haven’t seen an NHL highlight in the US since that clip.  Loosen up boys.

Presidential Ibloguration

 

Cindy McCain is hot.  I don’t think anybody would disagree with me here.  I used to see John McCain in years past on the Daily Show or wherever else he was allowed to be himself and he was an awesome guy.  I distinctively remember thinking “man, that’s one Republican I could get behind” (please keep in mind this was years ago, before they attached the marionette strings – sidebar – did anyone else think that McCain moved liked those wooden characters in the Canadian Robaxacet commercials?  I guess Hotel Hanoi will do that to you).  He was smart and funny, and actually, pretty liberal.  One great thing about Canadian politics (it sounds like there aren’t many these days) is that the choice stretches beyond A or B.  You would think in a country with 304 million-ish people, the US would like to extend their selection beyond 2.  The country is divided, sure, but not into two groups.  McCain was forced to act like he held every Republican belief even though he winced when he lied because that was the group that happened to pick him.  But wow, was that a digression.  Cindy McCain is hot.  Does anybody feel bad for John out there?  He doesn’t have to deal with the stress of this country’s recession, he just got even more stupid famous, he’s dumb rich, his wife is crazy hot, and he owns so many houses he can’t tell you the exact figure (7)… the man is gonna be fine. 

How exciting is it that Barack Obama is taking over?  It just seems it should be a given that the President be smart, but it’s been 8 years.  He’s very smart.  With great social skills, and energy.  He seems to have wonderful core values (thanks for the buzz word, CNN) and his wife is unbelievable.  If you ask me, she’s more likely to be the first female president than Bitterly Clinton.   

It’s just an amazing time in the US and they really needed something positive like this here.  It’s like when you’re sick and you start your course of antibiotics.  They won’t kick in right away, but you really hope to see some positive changes before too long.  And when you do, feeling that little bit better is going to feel a whole lot better.  It’s a proud day to be an American, because enough people got over bigotry and bitterness to elect the right person, despite his skin colour.  He won the election handily, and was black.  It would have been a run away if he wasn’t (Slavery isn’t coming back Georgia, catch up).  The smooth transition of power is not a given in every country in the world, and it’s a pretty special day for democracy, not to be corny.  Things are going to be tough the next little while in the US, with ripples up to Canada, but it feels good to know that the man in charge is really going to be trying.  Trying, like that was too much to ask from Bush.

Bush.  It almost seemed like Bush was that kid you tried and tried to teach to do something, and when the kid couldn’t, he got frustrated and gave up entirely.  He was CLEARLY underqualified (the guy didn’t even get good GRADES.  He didn’t excel at anything, actually.  How did this happen?  How did he get any votes?), but once he was elected, he got the only job you can’t be fired from.  The only boss-less (the public is his boss, blahblah yeah, nice hire.) job in the US, and this guy knew it.  He  just played around his whole life, the ultimate life of privilege, and it was nauseating to watch.  “I’m a ranch-hand, ya’ll” YOU’RE FROM CONNECTICUT!  Breathe… breathe…. okay…. okay.  It’s over Justin… It’s over. 

 (I picked a nice image of him, because we’ve all seen the other ones, and it seemed redundant)

Today, I’m going to the oral surgeon to get the wires on my teeth replaced with rubber bands, enabling me to open my mouth for the first time in 40 days.  After I make a quick stop to buy a rake to remove the fur from the inside of my teeth, I’m going to make my first stop at the gym to sweat out some toxins (not that my organs care, 6 weeks of antibiotics, painkillers, and nausea medicine have hardly blackened them, I’m sure).  Then I’m going to come home and watch CNN in sweat pants and get swallow food with some texture (still no chewing).  Either way, Its a happ-happ-happy day people.  Rejoice!

It Bloggles My Mind.

 

Are you over the NBA slam dunk yet? I cannot believe that anybody is still impressed by this. I mean, these guys are huge.  There’s a lot of huge people in the world.  This league has selected the very best athletes of the very huge. Hugesketball. And we’re impressed that they put it in something high?  Slllaaaamm Dunk!  I’m not trying to take anything away from the NBA (it wouldn’t be fair, what with all those soccer players out there… and leagues that begin in “W”), but this sport seems to have an odd quality.  It seems to be the only sport you can beat.  In a way, you can beat the game like when you had that cheat code for Super Contra (left-right-left-right-a-b-b-a, was it?)

There’s is no physical way to overcome a golf course.  Nobody gets to begin the hole a lick closer than the next person. Sports like hockey, football and soccer are played against other players, on a surface with the goal on the ground.  But in basketball, we could literally see the day where some monster has arms that go above the rim, and he stands there and sets the thing in the peach basket  (note: that guy looks like a Hobbit beside Yao).  Scouts who judge a players potential seem to use a sliding scale of size and talent.  For every inch you drop below seven feet, you need to be a half point better on the talent scale to make the NBA.  A 7 footer needs a talent rating of about 4/10 to make it. If you’re 6’11″, you better be at least a 4.5. You say you’re 6′ 10″?  We’ll take you as a 5, sure.  You could completely phase out the need for talent if you were tall enough.  I think it’s possible. At least the guys trying to stop Giants running back Brandon Jacobs  (6-foot-4 and 267 pounds) can grow with him.  That poor lil orange circle, however, cannot.

Basketball is a wonderful sport.  A ton of fun.  Out on the playground, and in the gym, there is a huge basketball following, including myself.  But for the elite of the elite, the most monstrous of the monsters, the game has become silly.  I’m starting a campaign to raise awareness for all you NBA players out there.  You looked ridiculous when you celebrated that dunk just there.  There was nobody in your way and you’re 6’6″ with long arms and a 40 inch vertical.  Celebrating needs to have some correlation to the difficulty of the play (listen up, NFL safety’s. As Bill Simmons pointed out, if the guy you’re covering drops it, you don’t get to face the camera and wave the “nu-uh” finger)  You did well for your team, you can celebrate, don’t get me wrong.  But did you really just flex?  Growl?  You’re the best -insert player name here-.  You’re the f@#$ing best. (That was Kevin Stevens, and one of the classiest men in hockey, Bryan Trottier assaulting Brian Bellows.  Ha…now that’s classy.)

 

 We would love to dunk.  We dunk on our nephew’s Fisher-Price hoop.  We dunk on the lowered hoop that neighborhood kid’s family owns. We dunk our garbage. I like to see some dunks mixed in to my NBA game.  And I don’t want the rims at 12 feet (is 10.5 out of the question?) I just want youuu tocalmtheFdown.  Proof that a slam (ps, is there a sporting term more lame than “slam dunk”?) anyways, proof that a slam dunk is as easy as convincing someone that  “PC” has lost the war of advertising versus the Mac (Bill Gates is Justin Long’s bitch), is that we have a contest to see who can do the most stuff in the air before the dunk.  Human beings have a max hang time of like, a second, and this task is so mundane that these guys have time to spin, switch their ball hand and switch the pocket they carry their ridiculous roll of money in.  The term itself has become synonymous with not difficult.  “Is that guy going to use our company for the job?”  “For sure… It’s a slam dunk”.  As in “there’s no chance of it not happening”.  A kicker going for an extra point in football is more likely to miss than the guy going for a dunk.  And during the Steelers game, I tried to bet a buck during live betting that the kicker would convert, and my return was 3 cents.  And to this, Sportscenter devotes 6 spots out of every top 10.  “Ohhh!! That one’ll be on a poster! I wonder if he’ll sign it for himhahaha” HAHAHA!  Ha.

                                 (SHE DUNKED IT!)                                                    ((I LOVE that the female commentator chips in about 2/3 of the way through and goes “BOOM!”))

                                        

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