Canadian Shake-ups, NHL Observations

 

Whether you love or hate Brian Burke, you have to, at the very least, admire how seriously he takes winning.  The man wants to win.  Like, right now.

There are simply too many players involved in the Toronto/Calgary deals to congratulate a winner.  But Burke knows one thing – players that are good-but-not-great are easy to come by.  You need the difference-makers to win, and Phaneuf is definitely one of those.

Toronto had nothing to build around when Burke got there, and the guy seems to be aware that nobody has ever won anything “by commitee” (the current codeword for “trying to win without talent”).  The Penguins win around Crosby/Malkin, the Red Wings win around Datsyuk/Zetterberg, so Burke is building around guys like Kessel/Phaneuf/Komisarek.  Not quite on the same level, but better than the cores of a few other teams (Havlat/….Kobasew?).

At least Toronto fans will have a few A- players (okay, B+) to cheer for while finishing out the year — for them, it’s been far too many winter months of cheering for a team of C+ guys without a Mats Sundin, Doug Gilmour or Wendell Clark.  (By the way, how insufferable will Toronto fans be if Burke manages to transform them into good…. which I suspect he will.  It’ll be like mixing crappy Flames fans with obnoxious Yankee fans.  Plus, about 55,000 people already have one foot on a bandwagon that would immediately collapse under the weight all the new “diehards”.)

By the way, worth mentioning – I think Matt Stajan is a really talented guy.  The Flames did well by themselves in picking up a quality depth scorer.  In fact, I think both teams made a smart move.

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I think DiPietro looks too bad on too many plays, too often right now.  I know he’s got rust to shake off; the guy hasn’t played goal in forever, but it looks worse than that.

I’m just really nervous about that big contract.  His numbers are fine, that’s not what stresses me.  I’m saying he just isn’t technically sound these days.  He doesn’t look balanced, his angles are suspect, he isn’t getting his pads flat post-to-post in the butterfly, and just doesn’t look like the old Ricky. 

Here’s to hopin’.

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Is Matt Duchene gonna be last years Steven Stamkos?  Just kill it the second half of the year and be a legit NHL stud by next year?  I say yes.

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If you’re the GM for Washington, don’t you go Brian Burke trying get a goalie for your team?  You can’t expect your guys to put up football numbers every night in playoffs, and those stupid, weak goals are just so disheartening.

Of all the stacked teams, San Jose really has the best total package right now (even though I like Chicago and Washington’s forwards better.  San Jose might have the best line in the NHL, but aren’t the best one through 12).  Nabokov is legit.

Happy February – it’s Superbowl week!  Your reward is an insider report on how TV news reports get made.

 

Western Conference Playoff Spots

 

The battle for playoff spots in the West is always a little more intriguing when some unexpected teams blow up and have good seasons, and this is one of those years.  Phoenix, Nashville and LA are all better than I expected, and I think better than the rest of the West had hoped.

So without really any ado, here’s how I see the bubble teams finishing up:

4th, Vancouver Canucks, 52 games played, 66 points

The only reason the Canucks get a blurb in the “bubble teams” section at all is their upcoming road trip.  They set an NHL record by being gone for something like six weeks, and playing 14 straight road games (Olympic preparation in Vancouver).  They’re 22-7-1 at home, but below .500 at 10-11-1 on the road this year.  If they survive the trip at .500, they’ll be in great shape.

{Only Washington, Pittsburgh and San Jose have scored more goals than the Canucks this year, and only New Jersey, Buffalo and Chicago have given up less.  Not bad, VanCity.  Not bad.}

5th, Phoenix Coyotes, 52 games played, 63 points

The ‘Yotes have played the majority of their games to date at home in the friendly confines of Jobing.com Arena (29), where they’re a dominant 19-8-2.  On the road, the Coyotes are an even 10-10-3 (23 games), sort of how your record is supposed to look.  With a third of the season left to play, they’re in position to push for a quality playoff spot.

Have you noticed a trend in the teams that are “overachieving”?  The Coyotes, Sabres, and Avalanche all have similar team builds, to some extent.  They’re fast over big, mostly young over mostly old, they’ve got great goaltending and most importantly, their top six forwards are almost all interchangeable as ”first line” guys.  Instead of the NBA method – pay one player to be your star and build around him – they all seem to be deeper teams without “that guy” to watch out for (the top two scorers from the teams I just listed are Tim Connolly and Paul Stastny, both below a point a game at 48 points in 51 games).

The Coyotes are going to make playoffs this year, but to have any hope of moving beyond a quick round one exit, they need to finish in 5th or 6th – 7th or 8th (versus San Jose or Chicago) would be hopeless.

6th, Los Angeles Kings, 51 games played, 61 points

The Kings seem fragile, don’t they?  Points are always easier to come by before Christmas, just like wins.  When Anze Kopitar has Ryan Smyth to help him out, he’s useful, but his production has seriously slowed down.  He just doesn’t seem like a guy who can get it done when his opponents key on him, they way the real elite stars can.  That says to me he’s not ready to be “the guy” on a team that needs one.  They’re good enough to win even with him struggling, so they’ll hang on to playoffs, but you certainly get the impression they aren’t headed the right direction.

7th, Nashville Predators, 51 games played, 61 points

I almost included the Preds in the group of “overachieving teams with the same build” from the Coyotes paragraph, but in the end, I didn’t think their Dan Ellis or Pekka Rinne deserved to be in the same class as Bryzgalov, Miller and Anderson.  Nashville could be the best team to miss playoffs this year… and I see it happening.

8th, Detroit Red Wings, 51 games played, 58 points

The depressing part for the teams on the wrong side of the playoff cutoff line looking in right now is, you’re not trying to catch Detroit’s 58 points, you’re looking at Nashvilles 61.  Detroit has played with half a team all year.  They’re the best coached team in the league, with some of the best names in the entire NHL in their dressing room (even with all they lost from last year).  The Canucks and Avalanche can start stressing now about which one of them is going to get unfortunately stuck in a (4) vs. (5) battle with Detroit.

9th, Calgary Flames, 52 games played, 58 points

What the hell happened to the Flames?  I feel like I fell asleep for an hour and they dropped a half-dozen spots.  Hmm.  1-8-1 in their last ten, with six straight losses.  By all logic, the Flames should be okay:  great goaltender, maybe the best defensive trio in the league, and a couple of guys up front who can score.  For me, the major difference between their offensive firepower and the teams “overacheiving” this year, is that their goal scorers aren’t young and energetic.  They don’t have that legs churning, relentless effort type threat right now – they’re scary in the “HolyCrapDon’tLetHimShootFromThereAWww.  They scored.” type of way.

10th, Anaheim Ducks, 52 games played, 55 points

This is the difference between the Eastern and Western conference.  The 10th and 11th place teams in the West are still really good (so are the Isles, but um, I just…. crap).  The problem is, they can’t all make playoffs, and Anaheim didn’t get off to a great start.  I don’t think they’re good enough to have a huge second half and make up for it.

11th, Dallas Stars, 52 games played, 55 points

I was waiting for them to end up in this spot in the conference, and here they are.  Dallas is a good team, but when teams like Phoenix and LA are good too, it toughens up their usually soft division.

12th, Minnesota Wild, 52 games played, 54 points

I don’t know a lot about Minnesota this year, and that’s not a good sign.  I do know when you’ve pinned a chunk of your offensive hopes on Chuck Kobasew and Andrew Ebbett, you’re in a whole heap of trouble (both are good enough players, but very shutdownable.  Yep, I can make up words on my blog.)  I guess their go-to guy is Havlat, I’m just not sure what else they’ve got.  I’m sure my oddly heavy Wild readership can fill me in on them, but from what I can tell, they don’t have a hockey teams chance in Phoenix snowballs chance in an oven.

13th, St. Louis Blues, 52 games played, 54 points

I’m sticking to my guns on the Blues, especially with the addition of Davis Payne.  They’ve got good top six forwards, good goaltending, and hopefully enough D to get into contention during the last few weeks.  I still think they’ll make a push.

 

Three Blurbs, Plus A Look At Canadian Olympic Rosters Part II & III

 

I thought I’d chuck out some vague, teaser-style sentences about what’s been taking up some of my time lately:

I’m working on a TV show with a couple producers – guys that’ve made more good movies than I’ve even seen.  Of course, if it doesn’t get bought, I (and they) make no money.  So, it’s a gamble, but it’s a fun gamble.  Like my pre-NFL season bet on the Jets to win the Superbowl.  REALLY, MGM, ONLY 22-1 ODDS FOR THIS SHIT?  Ridiculous.

(Much) More info to come in the future.

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So, I was made aware via Twitter (thanks to follower @mdamore4), of the following comment on Chris Botta’s highly read Islander blog “Islanders Point Blank”, written by the cleverly-named “orgaNYIzation”:

Cant wait for Gillie’s daughter and Bourne’s son to bear a son (and may he be a masculine son). If that kid get’s Clark’s size and toughness and Bobby’s speed and stickhandling ability..look out. Can we use a #6 this June and draft the future Bourne?

Yes.

I’m not sure if the bulk of my new followers are aware, but early (early) on in my writing days, I made this proposal to Islanders owner Charles Wang.  I’m baffled I didn’t receive some response (like “Haha, beat it kid”?), but the offer still stands…. Help pay for what can be a well-publicized, orange and blue wedding, and we’ll promise the Islanders the rights to our first born male.  Or female, if the girl gets all Hayley-Wickenheiser-times-two up in this biatch.

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 Next on my list is a hilarious website courtesy a couple of my high school buddies called “How Many Beers?”  It’s a pretty simple concept – a picture is shown, and commentors answer the age-old dudes-on-a-couch question…. “How many beers?”  If you don’t get what HMB refers to, don’t go to the website.  If you do, you’re liable to get a few laughs. 

I was the item for discussion yesterday under the heading “Something for the ladies…” – Again, and less subtley, it’s not a PG site, so those of you who read my site for kitten pics, maybe stay away.  Or go here.  The rest of you,  Check it out.

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I played hockey with a guy named Josh Ciocco – He’s an American guy from New Jersey, who captained the University of New Hampshire hockey team, and is now some sort of sports agent.  He wrote me with what I thought was a really good point:

Occasionally you’ll hear someone say “other countries are catching up to Canada in hockey”, or something of that ilk – his point (one a few other people have made), is that simply, no, not quite.  Whether the top Russians or top Americans go on to beat our top Canadians at the Olympics or not, how would a second Russian team look?  Or American?  It falls off pretty steep after the top tier.

Canada is so deep, he went ahead and made the list of what our second team would look like, and it’d be a medal contender for sure.  The fun part, is that he made the third team too (by the way, the point is to demonstrate depth, not argue about who would be on which roster).

Josh:

“For whatever reason, I like Canada’s team, but I dont love it. I actually really like the US simply because of Miller. Canada does have the best roster though, and it got me thinking, Canada would also have the second best roster. I mean seriously….”

TEAM NUMBER TWO

Jeff Carter
Marc Savard
Stephen Weiss
Vincent Lecaivilier
Martin St. Louis
Steve Stamkos
Brad Richards
Dustin Penner
Mike Cammellari
Wojtek Wolski
Jordan Staal
Ryan Smyth
Shane Doan

Jay Bowmeester
Dion Phaneuf
Mike Green
Brian Campbell
Ed Jovanovski

Marc Staal
Brayden Coburn

Steve Mason
Cam Ward
Marty Turco

“And because im bored and in class… If this was any other country, people would say they would be in medal contention – I present Canada’s third team.. (a little light in the pipes)”

Travis Zajac
John Tavares
Matt Duchense
Nathan Horton
Alex Burrows

Rene Bourque
Derek Roy
Andy Macdonald
Patrick Sharp
Matt Stajan
Simon Gagne
Daniel Brierre

Bryan McCabe
Michael Delzotto
Derek Morris
Kyle Quincey
Dennis Wideman
Dan Hamhuis
Rob Blake

Carey Price
Jose Theodore
Chris Osgood

Post your thoughts below!

Scott Gordon and Halle Berry (…No Connection)

 

So, I’m sure I’m not alone in periodically liking (or disliking) something for reasons that are unbeknownst to even myself.  When the Islanders hired Scott Gordon, a guy I’d never heard of, I liked it, but wasn’t sure why.  Let me try to explain it to myself:

Some owners hire coaches to give their fans the impression they hired a good coach.  You know, a guy with a name, something that won’t cause a huge negative ruckus.  This means you end up recycling coaches based on fame, not success, and before you know it, Mike Keenan is running your franchise.

I’d love to see more coaches with lower level success work their way up the ladder.  Mike Babcock didn’t get the Red Wings job based on his days as a player, he got it cause he won with every damn team he coached.  I think the game today is well-suited for a young coach who understands the more free-wheeling NHL (hint: defense-first is still your focus), and I wouldn’t be surprised to see the hiring trend in this direction continue (again, St. Louis hiring Davis Payne was exceptional – he’s doesn’t have Babcock’s NHL success yet, but I believe he’s got the same ability).

So good for teams that hire Davis Paynes and Scott Gordons – if Tampa Bay would do the same, they’d find out real fast what sort of team they’re actually dealing with.

Islanders are in a playoff spot in the middle of January, Rick DiPietro just got a shutout, and a 19 year old is leading the team in scoring.  And the Red Wings are currently in 9th in the West.  AND THE COYOTES ARE TIED FOR HOME ICE ADVANTAGE AT FOURTH.  I’m dizzy.  I need to sit down.

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I doubt many of you watch much ECHL hockey.  So far this year, I’ve watched zero minutes and no seconds, so I know where you’re coming from.

Well, the Victoria Salmon Kings (real name) scored a goal so ridiculous it ran on ESPN SportCenter yesterday.  Yeah, it’s that good.

The goal made me think two things – one, that at that level, there are a few kids that are going to be legit NHL studs mixed in with a few who’re going to be legit rec league duds (though not many, you’d be surprised at the quality).  What that means is, occasionally, someone gets burned so bad they should be forced to take their gear off and quit.  If that were the case, the Islanders Andrew Macdonald would’ve put entire teams into retirement during his months in Utah.

Secondly, it made me shudder at the sound of their goal song.  I was twice on teams that eliminated Victoria from playoffs, but when you’re on the wrong end of a game there, and that crowd gets fired up, it’s real easy to post a plus/minus that looks like Tiger got hot at The Masters. 

Oh, minus five, good hustle Bourne.

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Really, Dwayne Johnson… “The Tooth Fairy”?  I guess we can finally start calling him “The Rock Bottom”.

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I watched the Golden (Halle Berry’s) Globes on Sunday night, and thought it might be worth mentioning that I, like pretty much everyone else, love me some Ricky Gervais.  That guy is money.  Also, Halle Berry continues to defy human aging laws.  ———->

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Puck Daddy wrote an interesting bit on Mike Richards battle with the media.  The guy is the perfect captain for that team o’ douches. 

Here’s what sucks about how fun it is hating them: if they can get some GD goaltending (I feel like I’ve written that before), wouldn’t you not want your highly rated team to play them in the first round of playoffs?  If I’m Buffalo or New Jersey, I’m praying the Isles or Panthers sneak in.  I’d be interested to see the betting lines on them come playoffs, they might make for a sneaky round one money-maker.

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That’s all for today!  Sorry no Monday post – I was super busy watching FIVE STRAIGHT HOURS of Dexter with Bri. 

Burrowing With An Auger. Plus Ovy and Conan.

 

As we discussed in the comments section of yesterday’s blog, Alex Burrows had a chat with referee Stephane Auger before their game vs. Nashville on Monday night.  Supposedly, that chat involved Auger telling Burrows that he intended to even the score with Burrows who had embellished a hit in an earlier Auger-reffed contest.  You all know the story by now.

Refs and players talk with regularity.  It’s probably the least-seen relationship that affects the outcome of games.  There’s only so many refs, and over the course of 82 games and multiple years, you talk with, yell at, and generally get to know each ref and their tendency’s.

Some let you play, some call it tight, but in general, you know which is which in advance.  At the very least, someone will, and they’ll tell the rest of the team.

I frequently talked with refs because I was a perennial Lady Byng style player, and thus, had a good relationship with them (one college year I had SIX PIMS).  I have a hunch Burrows chats with refs are, in general, less genial.

For an abrasive player, you have to think it’s only a matter of time until you run into an abrasive ref.  And in turn, only a matter of time before you get red flagged, targeted, and penalized more.  Thats human nature.

We don’t know what happened – it wouldn’t shock me to hear that Burrows pulled it completely out of nowhere because he hates the ref.  He might be like Milhouse when he wants Bart to go home, so he yells “MOOOMMMM, BART’S SMOKING!”.  Whatever – it’s possible, but who knows what the real story is.

All I know is, I’m okay with the human element side of this story (wanting to stick it to someone who stuck it to you).  I’m okay with the way Burrows plays, but because of that, it’s only natural that a ref would be quick to give him an extra look.  What I’m not okay with, is calling something that isn’t there for revenge.  Plus, telling him in advance reminds me of a Bond villain explaining his plan to a captured Bond, when I’m screaming at the screen JUST SHOOT HIM.  IF YOU JUST FUCKING SHOOT HIM HE’LL DIE!

But there’s my point.  By playing the role of human sandpaper, you’re going to attract the refs attention more than anyone else.  Your penalties will increase exponentially.  That’s organic.  The moment any ref consciously acknowledges their need for a vendetta, the game’s aren’t being decided organically.  Auger is clearly at fault here, and needs to be penalized for even getting caught up in crap like this.  A ref is supposed to be above it all, supposed to govern fairly.  He didn’t.

Talk amongst yourselves.

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 Yesterday, Alex Ovechkin agreed to fight Steve Downie, but Matt Bradley swoops in.  It was the best thing I’ve seen in the NHL this year:

 

So many bad things can happen in a fight – if it goes well, you can break your hand, if it goes poorly, you can break you face.  You can land melon-first on the ice and get concussed.  There’s very few positive end results.

By Ovechkin squaring up to fight, it legitimizes his status as a guy not just running around and blowing guys up, but as someone who’ll actually answer the bell.

Better still, is that Bradley knows the last thing their team wants is for him to be legitimate in any category other than scoring goals.  And really, better Bradley be suspended than Ovechkin be hurt.  Ooooo, so old-school.

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 I love Conan O’Brien.  Admittedly, I’ve gotten away from watching his show since I’ve moved to Phoenix, because I go to bed before the sun sets half the time, but I still love when I can catch it.

It really does seem like Conan didn’t get a fair shake (seven months?) – if you didn’t hear, NBC is putting Leno back at 11:30 and wants to bump Conan to a later time again.  Conan isn’t having it, and has handled the situation like a pro.  I’m on Team Conan – check out his statement, and I’m sure you’ll join too.

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 What’s your drug of choice?  I hope it’s not acid, cause the following LT video would EFF. YOU. UP.

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After watching the Islanders/Red Wings game last night, I think I might have taken my first step onto the Josh Bailey bandwagon.  I was impressed.

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Lane Kiffin left Tennessee for USC, and UT fans reacted with class.  Sorry, did I say class?  I meant they rioted.

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Also, *yelling* “What was I supposed to say honey?” —- I’m overjoyed with the return of my lovely fiance.

Mark McGwire is Really Really Muscley

 

Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids, and I have trouble working up any sort of furor over it.  I’m supposed to feel personally offended, right?

I love people that tell me they stopped watching hockey after the strike, but they still watch baseball.  Which, I might remind you, is a sport that sprinkled a strike in between games featuring players deploying varying levels of unadulterated cheat.

It was a well choreographed admission by Team McGwire though.  Blow it all up on one day (the anti-Tiger method), talk to every news outlet on the planet, address it, then let us get overexposed/numb again and forget.  Also, don’t admit steroids helped your stats, because, they obviously didn’t.

 

On the upside, baseball fans, you can sleep easy knowing that Sammy Sosa wasn’t using, and if he was, he speaks too little english to give a Bob Costas exclusive.

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 I heard Curtis Joseph is announcing his retirement today (from not playing?).  I gotta say, I was a big fan.  One of those goalies that you can’t really explain why you like him, you just do.  I also unabashedly rooted for Kelly Hrudey and Glen Healy, which made it doubly cool when both got hired by HNIC.   

Anyways, good on CuJo, even though it was paiiiinful to watch him try to steal paychecks from teams at the end of his career (or as it will officially be known starting in 2011, “Osgooding” a team).

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So, Alex Burrows has scored twice since I started writing this sentence, I think.  Here’s his stat line from his last three games: 9100 G, 0 A, for 9100 PTS.  Okay, it’s just eight goals in three games, but still, you’re impressed.

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If you’re feelin’ like reading a good ol’ Bourne column, check out my latest for USA Today!

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MORE MCGWIRE, THEN AND NOW

 

 

Goaltenders, and The Crazy People Who Write About Them

 

Bourne’s Blog Fantasy Hockey League is a breeding ground for gambling glory.  And now that I’m not under the scrutiny of the NCAA, I like to participate in occasional frequent as many bets as humanly possible (as an aside, NCAA, I frequently played and lost poker with your scholarship money.)

Last week, I beat the tarnation out of fellow hockey writer “Ms. Conduct” (An epic 5-4 lashing).

Ms. Conduct, fittingly, is crazy – fittingly, that is, because she’s a goaltender, and writes about them.  Since this is not my area of expertise, I am collecting my winnings in the form of a day off from blogging, while she discusses the goalie position with you.  If you like her stuff, you can check out more on her site here - main focus on the Minnesota Wild, goalies, and the Houston Aero’s.  Oh, and Barry Brust.  She also writes for InGoal Magazine.

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I suppose there are worse fantasy hockey bets to lose than having to write a blog post. I mean, it’s what I do anyway. My orders are to write about goaltending, which is good because I don’t know anything else, but I don’t have one big, consecutive thought on anything in particular, so I’m just gonna dive in and wander around.

First off, did you catch Tim Thomas let that goal in during the Winter Classic because he was busy giving Scott Hartnell the business for tripping him a few seconds earlier?

One of the first things I learned about myself when I started playing goal last year was that I’m one mean effin’ goalie. You should see the looks of shock I get from these guys I play. I guess because there’s a pony tail hanging out the back of my mask, I’m supposed to be demure.  Oops, guess I missed that memo, boys!

So, I get it, Timmy. That curly-headed punk slew footed you and needed to pay for it. But seriously, how do you lose focus that badly with the puck moving furiously in your zone? I’ve certainly done it but I haven’t been playing (and learning those important lessons about maintaining composure) for 20+ years like Timmy has.

On one hand, if I were a Bruins fan and they‘d lost because of that, I’d have thrown my CHOWDAH at him.

On the other hand, it kinda makes me feel better about myself as a newbie goalie. Even the Vezina winners have their amateur moments. It’s kinda always how I feel when I watch Vesa Toskala.

Oh, Tosky. I know, he’s an easy whipping boy, but his game is starting to become a serious fascination for me. So much that when fellow Wild blogger, Elise, from 18,568 Reasons Why was making maple leaf cookies, she even made a Vesa Cookie and sent me a picture. How righteous is that?

He really doesn’t seem like that bad of a goalie technically. I‘ve seen worse guys in the NHL in that respect, but he never ever EVER gets a friendly bounce. EVER.

It’s like, all goalies have their bad nights where things just don’t go their way. But EVERY night is a bad night for Toskala. And I find myself watching Leafs games where he’s in net just to see what manner of monkey-poo-fling the hockey gods have in store for him, and subsequently, Leafs fans.

It makes me feel better, because often he’s scored on in ways that I’m scored on. You know, a little floater that bounces on top of your pad and some hack whacks it in like a freakin‘ tee shot. Or you leave a tiny gap to the post that the shooter lucks the puck into. Or some a-hole dumps it in on net from the opposing blue line and it takes a funny hop into the net. Augh!

Anyway… Toskala is fun to watch for all the wrong reasons. Not sure what he did to become karma’s court jester, but it’s stuck to him like glue.

But that does bring me to something else I’ve been mulling lately. I went to the Kings vs. Isles game in Kansas City during pre-season. I was super excited to see Nathan Lawson, because Justin had sold me on his big time puck-playing skills with a bonus potential for the brand of crazygoalie I so enjoy.

And while I did enjoy him, it was Jonathan Quick in the other net who captivated me and still does. And I can’t figure out why.

Normally it’s Gambler Goalies that I love to watch. The ones who don’t hesitate to skate out well past the hash marks to play the puck or poke check. The ones who, when a scrum develops around the net, are drawn into it rather than taking the puck for a quiet skate in the corner. The ones who hold that glove save out a couple of beats longer than necessary just to remind you who‘s your daddy.

But I think the bottom line is that some goalies, like Quick, just have “it” regardless of their style of play, and people can see “it” but can’t necessarily put a finger on “it.”

Another goalie who has “it” is Matt Climie, who plays for the AHL Texas Stars. His style isn’t particularly unusual, but he’s just got this… way… about him. I’ve interviewed him and he’s not a particularly imposing guy off the ice, but on the ice, he looks 6’7”. And he’s just zen personified in net. Completely opposite of my favorite style of goalie, but I can’t tear my eyes off of him. That is “it.”

Finally, a question for Bourne‘s Bloggers: In a recent article, Marc-Andre “I smile a lot because my lips don’t fit over my giant chiclets” Fleury said, “I’m not a hockey player, I’m a goalie.”

The context was in initially trying to get a date with his current girlfriend (of 8 years… put a ring on it, Flower, for shit’s sake), who said she wouldn’t date a hockey player.

But it got me thinking. Some goalies really do seem like hockey players and some goalies seem like goalies. No offense to goalie goalies of course, as I‘m 100% in that group. On my game nights, I don’t even think of it as “going to play hockey.” I think of it as “going to play goal.”

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I do kind of think of certain goalies as more hockey players and others as pure goalies. One of our goalies in Houston, Barry Brust, is one such goalie. He’s one of my all time favorite tenders, but I also think he could strap on the player gear and play out with pretty reasonable success.

But what do you think? Is there a difference in attitude or toughness that would put goalies in separate buckets like that? Do skaters think of goalies as hockey players? Or are they like kickers in football (except way more important, better looking, and can actually get in the Hall of Fame)? Let me have it.

Lundqvist as Bond, Slam Dunks as Athletic Feats

 

I’m now accepting votes for which sport has the worst highlight package.  Specifically, which sport has the most redundant one.

I used to think it was baseball – diving catch, double play, home run.  Home run, diving catch, double play.

But, I mean, basketball…. right?  OH, HE SLAMS A DUNK!  THE DUNK HAS BEEN SLAMMED! 

THAT 6’7″ ATHLETE WITH A 40 INCH VERT AND THREE FOOT ARMS PUT THE BALL RIGHT INTO THAT TEN FOOT HIGH ORANGE CIRCLE!  HIGHLIGHT OF THE NIGHT!  NO, THE WEEK! THAAA DECAAAAADDDDDDDE!

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I love me some Billy Guerin, but how will we ever know when he’s done being useful?  I mean, he’s never going to lose that great shot of his, and 3/4ths of the time he’s on the ice with Malkin or Crosby.  He could be effective until he’s a hundred with those linemates, so, that’s like, um, 27 more years of guaranteed effectiveness from the guy.  Not a bad break at the end of your career.

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It’s rare that an analyst will get worse as he gets more comfortable in front of the camera, but then, Kevin Weekes is a true pioneer in the field.

I know I tend to talk about the sports analysts I dislike rather then the ones I do (guys like Ron Mclean, Bob Cole/Harry Neale, Kenny Mayne, Scott Van Pelt, Johnny Miller, Chris Berman/Tom Jackson etc.), but come on.  This guy is trying way too hard.  I’m not sure who he’s trying to pattern himself after, but I have a hunch it’s Don Cherry.  And that’s a sad, sad state of affairs (“Pay attention to this part right here, kids…”)

Describing the Coyotes play just now, he said “they really prevailed tonight”.  God I hate him.  After LaBarbera’s post-shootout win celebration, he went with ”I didn’t know he played the guitar!”  This guy isn’t good for my blood pressure, or the wear and tear on my mute button.

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So, is Henrik Lundqvist auditioning to be the next Bond in those “You are watching the NHL Network” ads?  Why is he the only human in the NHL selected to do those ads in a suit?  He should be selling cologne, or planning an art heist or something.  Christ Henrik, even Brosnan didn’t take himself that seriously.

 

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What are the odds Jason Spezza still plays with action figures alone in his room?  They’re possibly Ninja Turtles, and he’s definitely making sound effects for the imaginary explosions. 

 

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It’s rarely okay for reporters and commentators to use the nicknames of players, simply because they don’t know them “like that”, so it comes off as sort of desperate.  Dude interviewing Bobby Ryan asks him if he knew he needed to step up in “Getzy’s” absense. 

Whatever that dudes relationship with the Ducks and “Getzy” may be, he only knows surface-Getzy.  He wasn’t there the time he killed a hooker in Vegas, or the time he sent his twin brother on a date for him, or the summer he ate HGHios instead of the “Cheer” ones he eats now.  Use his adult name, sir, this isn’t the locker room.

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Happy Wednesness friends.  It’s spend your IKEA/TARGET gift cards day at the Bourne compound.  I’m thrilled.  For those of you who didn’t catch my Hockey News column yesterday (on slightly crazers hockey parents), you can click those crazy coloured letters and your fancy internet machine oughtta take you right to it.

UPDATE: Canda’s Olympic team was named.  I will now commence standing on guard for thee.

Relationships in Sports

Yesterday was awesome.  It was just one of those rare, things-are-going-great days.

On top of that, I dug up a good half-dozen topics, a few of which are column worthy.  Let’s attack the rest in a happy awesome Thursday party edition.

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First, here’s some shit I’d straight up dance alone to.

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Sports to Writing Done Right – Paul Shirley

 

I’ll keep it short after yesterday’s marathon, promise.

After reading Paul Shirley’s book, I got in contact with him about the road from player to writer.  We’ve exchanged a couple emails here and there, so I thought I’d do a little email interview with him for the blog.  The following are a few excerpts from that:

(For those of you who don’t know, Paul spent some time on four NBA teams before playing all over Europe, hence the title of his book “Can I Keep My Jersey? – 11 teams, 5 countries and 4 years in my life as a basketball vagabond“.  He now writes for ESPN and runs Flip Collective.com)

I’m not fully sure on your playing status.  It sounds like you kinda wanna play/kinda don’t?  Only if the right thing comes along?

 
That makes two of us who are unsure.  The summary is that I’m staying in shape and open to the possibility of joining a European team for some part of this season.  Sadly, no one has put me in charge of one of those teams, so I have no way of knowing when or where that might happen.  I do know that I’m not willing to play in outposts or border towns, making my farewell tour the “No More Outposts” Tour.  I don’t think it will look good on T-shirts.

 

Are you able to be a fan of basketball, what with knowing what you know about how it’s run, how certain guys play/act, etc?

 
I’m only a fan because it’s entertaining to see players and coaches I
knew on television.  Because I’ve seen behind the proverbial curtain,
and understand that the NBA – like most things in life – is wholly
about turning a profit, the childlike glee that others are able to
affect when they watch a basketball game is remarkably absent from my
face as I sit in my basement and watch the Warriors and Clippers
bastardize the game.

 

You get one consequence-free face punch.  Who’s your recipient?

 
Bono.  I really, really liked U2 growing up.  Now I really, really
don’t like U2.

Want more Paul Shirley?  You can check out his weekly (mostly music) column for ESPN here or his newest non-sport based writing venture, Flip Collective.com

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On Friday, I did a little entry on Chad Brownlee.  We caught up yesterday, and apparently things are going even better than I originally thought.  His single cracked Canada’s Top 25 country chart, and he’s meeting with a few people about being a full-time singer/songwriter.

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And last, the Islanders Josh Bailey has gone seven full games without recording a shot on net, as I tweeted yesterday (info provided by Isles beat bloggette, Katie Strang).  I’m sure you’re looking for some insight and analysis on what that’s like, what’s going on in his head, why the struggles… just something from a players angle.  Here’s what you get:

That’s just really, really effing awful.  I mean… the guy plays a regular shift.  I’m sure he’ll have some bright spots along the way, but man, as an offensive forward, if you aren’t even generating hope, you might just not be good enough.  Not saying he can’t get “there”, but I’m telling you, there’s no “yeah, but’s” that make that stat better.  It’s brutal.

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 Check out my article on playing sick for USA Today!

Chad Brownlee – From WCHA Captain to Blossoming Musician

 

A couple pre-Brownlee thoughts: “Andrew” wrote me about the etiquette of throwing rib shots in a fight.  Short answer?  Swing away.  It’s not MMA, but you’re trying to hurt your combatant any way possible, as long as that “way” is by bashing him with a fist.  So, bash some ribs.

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I’m aware that you can get a good sweat going in like, three minutes.  But all these machines that promise you can “get ripped in just 11 minutes a day” don’t mention how you have to live the rest of the day to achieve that. 

Obviously, that’s assuming you’re grilling chicken breasts and eating salad for the entirety of your daily intake.   So then what’s the qualification you need to declare a “length of time” for you using the product?  I mean, if you were eating chicken and salad and drinking water all day you could work out NO minutes a day and see results.  So are the people selling these machines just picking arbitrary numbers?

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Onto the good stuff.  A couple ex-teammates/WCHA boys have had some recent success, albeit in different ways.  Yesterday Matt Zaba (Colorado College) got called up to the Rangers from Hartford, so major congrats to him.

~~~~~

 

One of my closest friends (despite the male tendency to never pick up the phone to chat without purpose), Chad Brownlee, has had an interesting career path. 

We were junior hockey teammates for a couple years with the Vernon Vipers.  There, we managed to be two of three guys that made it from training camp in ’01 to our BCHL title in ’03.  Chad’s about a year and a half younger than me and was our team’s captain, largely due to the fact that he worked insanely, nauseatingly hard at everything he did.

He was drafted by the Vancouver Canucks (his favourite team growing up in Kelowna, BC), and earned a full ride scholarship in the WCHA, with Minnesota State @Mankato.  After battling through more than a few shoulder problems, he ended up wearing the “C” once again, and was a rock solid defensive piece of some pretty good teams in Mankato (see teammates: David Backes, Ryan Carter).

When we were in junior, Chad started playing guitar.  I remember him learning at the back of the bus, and me wanting to bust off some of the strings and choke him out.  He could always sing, and certainly wasn’t afraid to at any occasion.

Well, Chad spent a year playing in the ECHL, hating his life, and realized hockey wasn’t exactly his only passion.  He quit, and decided to fully throw himself into his music, which by then was an impressive free concert to hear anytime he decided to pull out the ‘ol gitfiddle.

Ironically, Chad realized his dream of being on the ice for a Canucks regular season home game last night – singing the national anthem.  His music career really is taking off - You can check his stuff out on iTunes or Facebook Music.  Even though it’s *gag* country music, it’s truly incredible to hear music like this come from the donkey I played hockey with.  Very proud of the guy.  Writes his own music, plays guitar, the works.  Enjoy:

Personally, I suggest clicking “next” a few times to get to “Carry On”, but this first one is a nice little vocal showcase too.

 

Thanks for reading folks.  Have a great weekend!

 

Friday Free-For-All

 

So, Steven Seagal: Lawman is a real show, huh?  I’m getting a kick out of TV just mailing it in right now.

They’re like, eff it, people just want to stare at their TV and call other people idiots anyways (whether it’s CNN or MTV), so make “Jersey Shore” a show.  And yes, let’s do more seasons of The City and Hills.  MTV, you’re just so good at sucking, any new suggestions?  Bully Beatdown? Tough Love?  It all sounds great.  Get ‘em made.  People will hate it, then watch anyways.  Why?  Because there’s nothing but crap on any channel, dipshit.”

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Readers from earlier this year know I’m a sucker for golf majors.  Like, during The Masters, I have a no-leaving-the-house rule on the weekend. If Tiger somehow botched my weekend with his whole debacle, he’s got bigger problems than a shattered marriage and tarnished public image.  I’m flying to Windemere to finish the job his wife started with that nine-iron.

On another Tiger note – if you’re the girl, are you crazy to let that phone message out, knowing what it’ll do to his wife and family?  Or are you crazy to not accept the money?  Do you have zero obligation to not chuck him under the front wheels of the bus at that point?  I guess bangin’ a married guy sort of eliminates any chance you’re concerned about his wife, huh?

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Looking for reviews on Bud Lights “Golden Wheat”.

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Okay guys, it’s time to talk. 

Bad news….  Most of us are over the mustache thing. 

Sucks right?  They were such a gold mine of humour for so many years.  But too many people are in on the joke now.  And like mullets, some people still rock them despite our culture’s obvious penchant for verbally abusing the owner, so those people can still be the butt-end of a few cookie-duster barbs.  But for the most part… it’s over.  Someone tell George Parros (and I suggest you do it nicely).

(Sidebar – we all agree he rocks the ‘stache just so he can get somebody to talk shit, and thus give himself more chances to justify his role on the team as a fighter, right?)

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So I got thinking, in the wake of Tiger sleeping with more people than Ambien… who are our holy saints now?

Here’s the best of what we got left.  Top three.

Third Place: Albert Pujols (as Deadspin pointed out)

It’s amazing that his name hasn’t come up in any steroid allegations for two reasons.  One, he’s built like from-ten-years-ago never-that-popular cartoon character Johnny Bravo.  And two, during the steroid era, all he’s done is hit the stuffing out of the ball, every year, consistently and politely, while winning MVP awards.  But it’s baseball, so I’m less inclined to care (Go Mets!).

Second Place: Lebron James

The homie’s still only 25, but for a man with stature like his, the slate is pretty damn sparkly.

First Place: Sid “I’m taking over Tigers ‘most boring athlete’ title” Crosby

If you found out Sid was up to some dirt, you’d be floored, wouldn’t you?  Anything beyond a speeding ticket from the guy and I’d be completely befuddled.  The carefully cultivated image, the boring-but-proper interviews…. he’s Tiger, minus the mystique.  He really does seem straight up bland.  By the way, is he still living at Lemieux’s, does anyone know?  That’s officially well past acceptable if he is.  Hey, wait a second… maybe Brendan Burke will have some support soon!

[*Note - Blog has been up for two hours, and I've already been dominated by two reader suggestions.  Joe Mauer and Peyton Manning should definitely be on that list.  Or a longer one, at worst.]

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Frrrrrriiiiiiiiiidddddddaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy!  And I’m ready to admit it’s almost Christmas.  And almost my birthday.  And still 70 degrees here.  All of which, you may have noticed, are great things.  So have a wonderful weekend, peeps.  Lookin’ forward to the comments!

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{RANDOM LIST: TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

5. A Christmas Carol
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
3. The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
2. It’s a Wonderful Life
1. Christmas Vacation}

The One With Josh Ciocco

 

My favourite comment of yesterday didn’t come on the blog, but courtesy my fiance.  I was grabbing a quote for an upcoming article via text from a guy I respect and admire, and she dropped:  ”Did you just send a smiley-face to Bill Guerin?” on me.  Man, when you put that in context, it really does sound inappropriately fruity.

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Commentor “Mike” asked a question about gear, to which I responded that a few of my thoughts on gear (on style, really), can be found here from about ten days ago on hockeyprimetime.com.  After explaining to him that I wasn’t a “gear bitch”, the term used to refer to guys who always need their gear fixed, new, changed or something, our trainer (PD) from college backed me, and the rest of my college class up here (especially Mark Smith, right Peeds?  That guy would’ve used a field hockey stick if that’s what you gave him.)

In keeping with the style and gear theme, the following is a great comment from a former teammate in Josh Ciocco.  But first, let me give a you quick bio on the guy:

Josh and I were both right wingers in Vernon.  Josh was probably the toughest 5’10″ (generous?) hockey player I’ve ever played with, and he could play the game too (in fact, if I recall, you didn’t love the fighting part?)  I was probably the softest 6’2″ (generous?) hockey player you’d ever seen, but I could play too (thank god).  The University of New Hampshire liked us both.  They flew me down to tour the campus.  Apparently, for their right winger spot, they wanted 5’10″, tough and talented, as opposed to 6’2″, talented and deathly afraid of violence (nah, it’s cool man, we almost made the frozen four in Alaska too, enjoy the scholarship).

{Semi-tangent here, for Josh – the one game they came to watch us both, I hit you with a breakaway pass in overtime for the game winner (lacrosse play), and you had a scholarship there within weeks. The “donate” button is on the right.}

He became the captain there (oooo congratu-frickin-lations), played pro, blah blah.  Where this is headed, is that it’s nice to find a good bitching partner.  There’s a bitching club on every team, really.  They get really big when the coach is an ass, or the team is losing.  It’s cathartic, like therapy.  And Josh and I could bitch like no other.  In fact, when we met in a pro game four years later, we went out and did the exact same thing.  But anyways, here’s how the world of gear and style went down at UNH:

“At UNH, my roomates and I played bad style poker for like, three weeks. We would play blind hands of poker, if you won, you were out, the last one in, or the “loser”, would have to have some sort of bad style in practice the next day. We would have one loser for each game, and we would play multiple games for bad style. You hit the nail on the head with most of them, but these were the topics we went with…Tape your tuuks black, Full tuck on the jersey, neck guard or turtle neck, socks pulled over the heels, klima tape job on the stick, and no tape on sock-shin pads so they’re falling all over the place. Sometimes there would be multiple losers, im laughing here picturing Jacob Mcflikier take to the ice with black tuuks, a fully tucked jersey, and socks over the heels…..On a side note, you know how you write notes on the whiteboard to the trainer and sign your number under it? example, “Can I please get a new stick, thanks, 14″ I used to love writing the note, “can I please get a neck guard for the game tomorrow, thanks, “someone elses number” good times.”

That was a priceless move, the requesting of something for someone else.  “A smaller cup, 18″ or for a right-handed linemate who can’t score “left-handed stiff-flex Sakic curve, 17″.

And last, from the Ciocco files, a testament to both of our getting older (and his getting whipped):

I love animals.  I frequently run animal pictures on my blog.  Josh’s girlfriend’s dog (why aren’t you two crazy kids married yet?  Would you ask her that for me?) is in a cute contest, and is giving the money to charity.  Something about fighting animal cruelty, I forget.  Rest assured it’s a real one (or maybe it was “the human fund”…).  Third prize is $500, second is $5,000, and first is A MILLION STUPID CUTENESS RELATED DOLLARS.

This is Merlin the Puggle:

If you think he’s cute, and I do, follow this link and give him your vote!

 

The Tapas Meal of Blogs

 

Just like my high school locker used to get so jammed that I’d eventually have to do something about it (in which case I’d almost always track down a slice of mystery meat or a piece of well-aged fruit), it’s time to clean out my “to blog about files”.  I’ll keep each thought as short as possible, and promise to discard the molding orange-esque ideas I jotted down while drinking because “it seemed like a good idea at the time”.  Enjoy.

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My thoughts on the start of the new NHL season will run in the USA Today on Tuesday (and online), so hold your horses on that.  We’re talking about other stuff today (though I will say – retro-ish Flames jerseys?  Those were sick).  If you do want to read a piece of real hockey writing I’ve done, my article on the Coyotes struggles in Phoenix ran in the Arizona Republic today, and you can find that here.  (Good chance you’ll get a kick out of reader response on that gem).

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A kind word:  Congratualtions to Joe Sakic, the consummate professional, the sneaky scorer, and the future hall-of-famer.  Joe was my favourite player growing up (especially after Lemieux retired… Dad, you were okay too), and the guy did everything the right way.  The images of him scorching the Americans in the 2002 gold medal game are forever burned into my memory-machine (low blocker to make if 5-2 was vintage Burnaby Joe).  I hope he finds happiness after his playing days, he deserves it.

                                                               *****

Great Seinfeld line -  “If I’m the best man, why’s she marrying him?”

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Occasionally, I’ll leave the TV on and forget about it.  When I come back and realize the show has switched to something mind-numbing like NASCAR (see also: poker, leagues that start with W, games that end in “occer”), I panic and run to the remote to hit the nearest button, for one main reason:  I’m afraid I’m giving that show additional ratings that might make them show that “sport” more.  Please, please don’t put more of that on TV…

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Anyone else feel like Crosby winning the Cup saved us years upon years of bitter interviews, like the ones Mickelson used to give before he ever won a major?  Like, there would always be that seething undertone of “F you, I’m trying”, until he actually won?  I think winning a cup early is gonna be great for his long-term likability.

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From what I can tell, dealing with a dentist in the US is a little like dealing with a used-car salesman.  It’s so different than Canada.  Both times I’ve gone here they try to up-sell me to the point of taking swipes at my oh-so-sensitive feelings.  Before installing the crown on my front tooth: ”Do you want us to put it in crooked like your teeth are now, or why don’t we just take out your other front tooth so we can put them both in straight.  It’s only another $1200.”  Oh is that all?  Fak.  I thought they were straight.

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Every fan who actually watches football has taken their turn verbally abusing the “prevent” defense the second their team is trying to stop a last-minute drive (or “pree-vent”, as I hear so often in the US of A).  I just don’t get it.  Teams go the whole game, get in a position to win, then decide that the only part of the field they want to leave open is a 15-20 yard pass.  Oh, is that all?  Smart defensive scheme, Lebeau.  Four of those, field goal.  Yeah that prevented a lot.

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I lived in Alaska for four years, home of the conceal and carry (as in, you can legally conceal and carry a registered gun on your person.  Lord knows who’s carrying one).  Thanks to local legislation (sidebar – is it weird that John McCain is still relevant here? He’s the frickin’ Senator from this state), you’re now allowed to carry guns into bars in Arizona too.  And good thing.  How else were drunk people going to kill the people that they hate?

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Steve Shutt, on relationships:  “Women wish their man would change, and men wish their woman wouldn’t.  It’s the fundamental problem in every relationship”.  He’s been with his wife for about 50 years or so.

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Tiger Woods won the Fedex Cup, and the 10 million dollars that goes along with that, putting him over the BILLION DOLLAR MARK in career earnings (with endorsements).  Maybe he’ll spend some of it to get his teeth de-whitened.  It’s like staring at a solar flare.

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 Overtalkers, too much information people, you just aren’t welcome in my world.  People who answer un-asked questions drive me banana’s, and deserve a lecture.  Never, in any social setting, should “My sister is moving to Boise tomorrow” come out of your mouth if the person you’re saying it to DOESN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HAVE A SISTER. 

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I’ve always been an avid “Get Fuzzy” fan (newspaper cartoon), but a new one is making a push for my heart - Pearls Before Swine.  It’s really funny and dry, with the sort of jokes that end with a period and a straight face.

*****

The Phoenix Mercury are in the WNBA finals – and I recently had to change my article from saying the Coyotes have ”the star power of the WNBA” to “the star power of an indie film” because the Mercury are getting almost 10,000 people to their games in the finals.  I was shocked, til I heard the reason:  Their coach, Steve Kerr (go ahead, say it: Steve Kerr is their coach?), apparently bought SEVEN THOUSAND OF THEM  and gave them away. 

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I’m guilty of this, but it’s still a good point:  Why does saying ”having said that” void what you’ve previously said?  “Michael Vick is a criminal who’s made poor decisions, blown his money, killed countless animals and has no respect for anything – having said that, I think he’s probably a pretty good guy”.  No.  You did say that, so the last part of your sentence obviously needs a quick re-evaluation. 

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Has anyone ever said “When I first started in this business, my goal was to…” and finished it with an honest phrase?  There’s not a person on the planet who started a business to “make a pizza with all sustainable ingredients” or “to help people borrow money with comfort and trust”.  Businesses get started to make money.  “When I first started in this business, my goal was to not go tits-up in the first eight weeks”.  THAT, I believe.

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Phew.  Felt good to get all that off my chest.  Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you’re enjoying the start of the NHL season. Don’t worry, my fantasy hockey team is already on the road to greatness!

The Good Kind of Media

 

In regards to a few commentor debates in the past, the most relevant video I’ve ever seen just showed up in my facebook inbox.  This came courtesy a dear friend, Christina Aaron -- thanks Chris!

‘

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Okay haters, the following comment is officially void: “I used to watch SNL when it had ________ on it -- back when it was good“.  It’s time to give it another chance.

Kristen Wiig might be the funniest person on the planet at this point.  She was damn near the only funny part of “Knocked Up” (as the station exec. implying Katherine Heigl she should lose weight -- without actually saying those words).  Below, she’s rocking her semi-frequent role as “prominent travel writer, Judy Grimes” from SNL’s season premiere.  Sorry you have to slog through a commercial:

 

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 As possibly the last fan of Brett Favre (despite my protests to his return), I thought I’d run the “highlight of the weekend”, possibly sponsored by Bengay:

‘

Just another great comeback orchestrated by Brett Brettersons

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Okay, one last vid for the day.  I’m a closet “homestarrunner.com” fan.  I realize there’s no cool way to say that, so I thought I’d just run the second (of 15) “teen girl squad” videos and let it speak for itself.  These cartoons are priceless.  If you like this, you’ll like the rest.  They just get better.

‘

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And I’ll follow that up with a little depth.  I’ve always been a major sucker for piano.  This one, “Hometown Glory” by Adele, is currently in heavy rotato in the car.  Simply put, it’s beautiful. 

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I thought some stuff like that might make your Monday better.  Always helps me!

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