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Callum McCarthy: 7 Hockey Thoughts and a Lame Christmas Joke

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I was once the owner of a rather impressive mullet. I should probably bring that beaut back.

My name is Callum McCarthy, and I will be your host on Bourne’s Blog until Justin finishes his Christmas eating binge. This could be any time around March. There’s a distinct possibility you have absolutely no idea who I am, so for those who don’t know, here’s a piece I wrote for this blog explaining my hockey background.

You can follow me on Twitter or Tumblr, but preferably both.

Without further ado, here’s some hockey thoughts to kick you off. Enjoy!

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1. If Allan Walsh was my agent, I would have hogtied him and thrown him into a ravine by now.

Mr. Walsh, Marc-Andre Fleury already has a nickname; “Tank” does not rhyme with “Polak” and Michael Frolik’s name is not primed for any witty shortening (or lengthening, in the case of most Walsherisms) in the English language. Please cease these exceedingly odd campaigns with immediate effect. #PAVELECTRIC

2. I love Eric Staal, always have done, and I’m beginning to get the feeling that those neutral toward the Carolina Hurricanes (fans of all 29 other teams, then) have forgotten just how good this guy is. Like Crosby, Staal hasn’t had a decent winger since the dawning of time and still puts up a point per game nearly every season. He’s currently on pace for 85 points with 41 goals, and it’s incredibly likely that the vast majority of those 41 goals will come with very little help from anyone else.

I know it’s a well-plundered argument, but just imagine if this guy played for the Leafs? Actually no, don’t. He’d be clocking 47 points a season and having statues built in his honour.

3. Sami Salo’s wife is one hell of a patient wench.

4. It has recently come to my attention that I, Callum McCarthy, do not in fact share a name with the Minnesota Wild’s Cal Clutterbuck. “Cal” apparently appears on his birth certificate, meaning that the last three years of me thinking that my name was just about the coolest thing going has been nothing but an elaborate ruse.

I was going to put a picture of Clutterbuck with his moustache and a caption reading, "Boner Killer". But then I found him doing an RKO, and wrestling beats dicks.

Come to think of it, there are only two people close to me who have called me “Cal” with any consistency, and they happen to my mother and my girlfriend — not exactly an ideal pairing. I recently had to explain to the girlfriend that she should consider switching her handle for me, as I’m basically given a choice between thinking about my mother or Clutterbuck’s moustache every time I hear it. In certain situations, that is not what I want.

5. Patric Hornqvist was really good last season, so the Nashville Predators threw a load of cash at him to lock him under contract for three seasons. Now that he’s gone back to being a bit of a failure, the Preds have absolutely no way of moving him beyond waivers. Assuming their internal cap sits at $50 million a year, moving Hornqvist is impossible with so little space between them and the cap ceiling.

David Poile’s work over the past 3-4 years could accurately be described as “shrewd”. However, giving $3 million a year to someone who is streaky as all hell is anything but that in my book. #DUMBALECTRIC

6.Watching HBO’s documentary on the Pens/Caps road to the Winter Classic, it worried me as a Caps fan to see the dressing room so flat while Boudreau was bringing out the hairdryer. It seems that they’ve heard his foul mouthed rants that one too many times and that that particular technique has lost its edge, which is something incredibly worrying should the Caps find themselves down in a playoff series this Spring.

It seems that when the going gets tough, Ovie goes silent.

7. Speaking of the Caps, I think it may be time to withdraw them as Stanley Cup contenders. No, not because of their 1,000,000 game losing streak, but because of this apparent “change of direction” that is held to be so crucial by Caps management. After plundering all of their cap space into a skilled offense that can out-gun any team in the league, George McPhee and Boudreau seem keen to play a tighter, more defensive brand of hockey.

Should McPhee decide not to blow up the roster below the top line, that is going to take a long time to sink in for quite a few of his players. The trade of Tomas Fleischmann could be the first move of many by McPhee to try and get this roster ready for the physicality of playoff hockey, and to me, it’s a panicky move. It may take another two seasons of partial rebuilding for McPhee to get the roster he wants to play a complete brand of hockey, and it will be a minor miracle should the Caps go all the way whilst attempting such a tactical transition.

I’ll expand on this in a column tomorrow.

8. Finally, a non-hockey thought. I currently work full-time in a supermarket so I can buy a load of shit that I don’t need, and the only things I am hearing at the moment are Christmas songs. As a result, it has become apparent to me that nearly every Christmas song sung by a female is about sexually pleasing Santa/Santa being sexually pleasing.

In lieu of this discovery, I have penned a Christmas tune imaginatively titled “Santa’s Juicy Pump Action Yoghurt Rifle”. Ke$ha’s going to sing it, and I’m going to be fucking rich.

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Tomorrow’s edition of Not Bourne’s Blog is a proper column! So yeah, let’s still do that. See you tomorrow!

Comments

5 Responses to “Callum McCarthy: 7 Hockey Thoughts and a Lame Christmas Joke”
  1. LaurenceB says:

    Welcome back…
    Good piece of writing, thank you!

  2. MIke says:

    Nice one. Pretty tame until that song title which got a LOL from L.A.

  3. HockeyPhool says:

    Nice work, Cal!

    …lum. Welcome back to Bourne’s Blog!

  4. SDC says:

    haha, it’s impossible to avoid what your mother/girlfriend/grandmother/any-female-in-your-famly have selected to refer to you as. They’ve made up their mind and they’ll never change it. Get used to being Cal around them; in their eyes, that’s the only name you have, and ever will have.

    The Caps’ offensive downgrade/revamp is just so boggling to me…. I mean, scoring is still good, right? To win games, you still have to score more times than the other team, correct? You had a group of guys that did this better and more often than anyone else in the league, and then…. told them not to. And what Cup were they ever hoping to win??

  5. Steve C. says:

    “…Not Bourne’s Blog”…hmmm…that just might work!

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